Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Jux I am sure he's just like the rest of these twats who think they are the masters of the universe and he doesn't give up hope that I will finally see sense. He suggested to have a legal contract for future cohabitation. Did I hear wedding bells? I think a contract for future cohabitation is called 'marriage'. But I don't think this is what he had in mind and I did not care to ask what he did have in mind. Probably some deluded contract that included that I am not allowed to issue non-molestation and occupation applications, no matter what, as he cannot be expected to not pester, harass and threaten me. I think now I understand the true meaning of this message. It was in preparation for 'reconciliation'. To be honest, I never really saw how vile he really is. He is just so much worse than I ever thought he was.

Yes, as has been said, suicide threats are the last desperate measure to regain control of you - it works quite well on some women, sadly.
No, he wouldn't have mentioned it at all in the reconciliation emails - it's not the same "step" in the process. Try for reconciliation, and WHEN you rebuff him, THEN he might suggest it. Or not. But he might. He might instead revert to threatening you or your DC instead - along the lines of "well if I can't have them then no one can".

These people are not rational, they're technically sane but not rational! All they can think of is their own selfish wants and desires, and no one else at all counts or matters in the slightest. His current top desire is to hurt you as much as he can - keep that in mind.

You cannot seriously expect me to agree to an indefinite non-molestation condition? This was supposed to prepare me for reconciliation and to know what to expect. So I would have to agree to molestation.

So why do you think they are technically sane, Thumb?

Karen, Karen stop engaging. You are still letting him dictate the terms. CSA now as it's better than nothing, there is a site called entitled to that tells you what benefits you can get.
I hope you have applied for child benefit. From point at which you are unemployed DCs should get free school meals.
Please don't worry about having to apply for this stuff. You've paid into the system, so now is when you need to get something out of it. Go to Citizens Advice. The German system is as far as I know theoretically is very different to UK one, but as an EU citizen you and the DCs get benefits under the UK system.
Am I right in thinking that Germany still doesn't allow dual citizenship, which is why DCs don't have British citizenship.
But it really doesn't matter, don't let Toad wrong-foot you on things.
Please look at non-mol order and the penalty notice that goes with it. Act on that if necessary.
I don't think there is much to be gained from trying to prove Toad is "mad". As far as contact goes, it will be wishes and feelings of DC that will be decisive. In the end court is there for DCs and to make decision in their best interests.
Try to compartmentalise everything. If he has broken the non mol and you get it enforced i.e. he has to face a penalty for breaking it, it will be jolt things into action.
And employment issue is legally separate so that needs to be another strand and again separate from sorting out DCs/house/CM/any joint finances.

Technically sane because they aren't insane. They have control, they choose to behave like a giant knob. Their brain chemistry is not disordered, they just believe they have a right to behave entirely as they like with no thought or care for anyone else, including the Law. They are above the Law. The Law only applies to mere people, they are not mere people, they are special. This is not insanity. It is their belief. But it is not rational either.

I have a friend who has 2 certificates to prove he's sane (he needed to be tested twice, apparently) - but if you met him you'd have doubts! He's not nasty, but he does seem a bit crazy at times. And yet, still sane.

Someone close to me was a bit like Toad. When his partner left him, he ranted and railed for a while and then eventually told her he would have her back if she apologised.

He had NO INKLING that it was not up to him. It simply did not compute because in his mind, he was in charge, he was desirable, she was misguided, etc. How we all laughed when she relayed this conversation to us. He was SOOOOO missing the point.

She is now happily seeing someone else after several years of finding her way emotionally and building up her independence including keeping a good job.

dunfightin it's hard to give up trying to understand. But I do not let this influence any of my actions or decision. It's just difficult that I have spent so many years with this utterly despicable person. I just try to come to terms with this by kind of hoping that he has may be some mental disorder to find an excuse for how someone can be so vile.

But this does not influence any of my decisions.

I am getting child benefit and for everything else I can apply on Monday morning at the earliest, because I am still receiving my salary at the end of the month. I have paperwork from CMA and ACAS ready to send off. I have to phone the council to see if I will have to pay council tax and how much.

I will receive statutory redundancy payment. But just that. Does that affect any of my entitlements?

From what I perceived from my ex, it felt as if they thought of our actions as their punishment of sorts. As in our normal reactions of being angry at them and then forgiving and forgetting, only this time somewhat "over the top" or unusually harsh.
They really don't seem to grasp that it's permanent.

A few months after leaving exH and reporting him to the police and so on, he showed up at my door with a big smile, possibly assuming I'd take him back. I think I did get the "I forgive you" email at some point. Along with "I have never threatened you" and "I will do so and so" (threats) in the same email.

Karen I know what you mean regarding trying to understand. I too cannot give it up, because everything would be explained if H wer diagnosed with something real (ie a really horrible hopefully fatal brain tumour). Unfortunately in the absence of a diagnosis you are doing the right thing-- cutting contact. I've spoke to our GPs on numerous occassions and they cannot help. But they did call it domestic abuse.

BTW I can relate to Toad taking an active dislike to your home country, my H is like this (I am from the USA and hear no end of anti-american slurs) and it's pathetic, they should be celebrating the culture of your other country. Hope your kids are learning German now, it's great to be multi lingual, I wish I were.

They really don't seem to grasp that it's permanent. Quite. And everything else you said. This is why he is still living in a hotel, which made things even more unnerving, because he is not setting up home i.e. ready to move back in. This will get worse over Christmas, expect. I fully expect him to try and turn up with a big hamper, yet more red roses and champagne. This would not be the fist bunch that goes into the bin, but we would of course not open the door, but phone the police instead.

Re. suicide, we are not quite there yet, but he emailed me to inform me that he is going into hospital this afternoon.

I remember thatsnotmyname - has your DD got her American passport now? This type of attitude is hugely traumatic for the children and they develop a complex about their home country, especially if it's Germany.

He's going into hospital? Nothing trivial, I hope?

I hope your dc are learning german; my arse of a dad wouldn't let my mum teach us her mother tongue, said it was rude to speak it if not everyone in the family did.

Then he ran off with a young girl and left her.

It's probably trivial. ptumbi

Same here. Toad does not speak any German, so we were not allowed to speak it. No contact with my family allowed for the same reason. He still stood behind me when I was on the phone to my parents to supervise me.

Re. suicide, we are not quite there yet, but he emailed me to inform me that he is going into hospital this afternoon.

Yes, it's part of the poor me act.

As for not thinking it's permanent, my exH left most of his clothes at home and got offended when I returned them. In bin bags. They were mostly old and didn't fit him anymore, anyway.

I put it all into the loft. In bin bags too. It's mostly brand new, unworn and Ralph Lauren.

Ebay them.

I think you should run a sweepstake on what he gets diagnosed with

also we could think up suitable reactions for you "oh that's great, I've kept your life insurance up to date"

I would ebay his stuff or just get rid.

What, he hasn't asked for his clothes?
And he asked for the lego?

Or whatever toy it was.

Not allowed, Jux. It's all in the 'schedule of chattels' down to the last tablespoon.

He asked for the Scalextrix and the train set. He will keep the Scalextrix (racing cars) but he will let the children keep the train set. He bought it and it belongs to him. Nothing I can do about it.

No, he bought new clothes. I saw it in his form E1.

I hope this is all going into a report for the judge; keeping the Scalextrix because he paid for it, leaving expensive clothes behind and buying new (in contrast to your clothes which are how new and how expensive to start with?), living in a hotel for how long?, stealing your belongings (valuable expensive cutlery etc). I really hope that there is a way of fully comparing his life and yours and the children's, both while you were all inhabiting the same space and since He hasn't been. Not forgetting the initial thing of him telling ds you were going to die..... All of it. Every single bit.

There probably aren't enough trees.

You'll get a single person discount on council tax, if you haven't already applied. Can you get to CAB and do as much googling as you can re benefits and redundancy pay.
NB do you know the name of hotel he is living in? It may be necessary to have dates and name in case he tries to claim he is living at home or moved out later than he actually did, though I guess date of non mol order will be sufficient.
And to add to your list, find out what to do re any seasonal antics beforehand. You could phone 101 and ask as, not surprisingly, they get very busy with domestics over Christmas/New Year.