Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Oh, how wonderful! He has finally stopped ignoring your multiple pleas for him to return to the family home! He has given in to your desperation to have him back in the family fold! He is prepared to forgive you and reconcile!

Wanker.

I think nothing.
Toad wants to engage you. He shouldn't even be contacting you.
Ignore it.

I nearly choked on my bourbon biscuit. Reconciliation? After all this? .

lweji - voice of reason in amongst all this falling about laughing/revulsion/panic...

I don't suppose your solicitor would reccomend any response! Really how can he even propose such things in light of injunctions keeping him from contacting you? Was this proposed directly to you or via his solicitor?

Is he emailing you? I thought he wasnt allowed to. Or did this gem come through his solicitor?

Karen, you need to regroup.

Ask yourself the following, and give yourself the following answers. Don't just read them off the page, really realise they are true answers.

Does Toads 'desire' to reconcile mean anything? No. Not to you, not to the courts. Even if he was a perfectly lovely man, you can leave an unmarried relationship whenever you like for no reason, and even married relationships end in divorce if one party wants out.

Do you need Toad's permission for anything? No. Nothing. At least not much.

Does Toad get to dictate the terms of this situation? No. The courts do.

Do you have options? Yes. Even if your solicitor is not able to field every letter or email, she can give you guidance on your approach overall in lots of ways.

Could you report every email to the police as infringement of the nonmol? Yes.

What was the phone call today that was a bad result?

This man has been violent to you and both you and your children are terrified of him,. There are no circumstances under which a reconciliation is possible. Don't even engage with it.
And do see what can be done to enforce the non-mol order - this man should be under threat of arrest every time he attempts to make contact with you or the children.

I can't quite tell if your ALL CAPS is panic or not. It might be that you are just slightly hysterical at the ridiculousness of the man, but it has come across to me at first that you are freaking out. You don't need to freak out.

Karen, when it comes to it, claim for every penny you can, every single penny. You have kept the streets of Britain Toad-free for 14 years saving UK Womankind from a fate that doesn't bear thinking of, utterly selflessly. Whatever you get you've earned it and IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

If I could, I'd hand over our taxes directly to you tomorrow.

this man should be under threat of arrest every time he attempts to make contact with you or the children.
This

I understand you have sort of keeping it quiet to see if you can work around him, but it's going to court, so hit him with the full force of the law.
He's messaging and harassing you because he has suffered no consequences so far.

Plus, as a victim of harassment you could claim compensation if it goes to court as a case.

We have decided to simply ignore this and put it on the pile of emails 'reasons to request mental health test'.

Phase I am not focussed. I phoned the tax office or whatever they are called to inquire about job seekers allowance etc and I got immediately advised not to cheat when making a claim.

Karen, they just say that to everyone. It is standard.

What have you been doing with the kids after school today?

Thank you, Phase, for trying to bring me back to normal. They had clubs this afternoon, so not much time left, and they wrote letters in German to their grandparents to thank them for paying for our half term trip to London. My parents are already paying the equivalent of CM per month. This has to stop.

Got another crazy ranting email from Toad, as I was just about to turn the laptop off. It's of course great evidence for his contact application that will never happen and goes on the 'bonkers' pile, but his mad ramblings make me shiver.

On the bonkers pile is a great way to think of it. Every sentence can be seen as more evidence.

In some ways, that is scary too, of course, but in other ways, does it take away their power? They have no basis in reality. He might as well wear a tin foil hat.

I really wish you a good nights sleep.

A lovely visualisation that I use sometimes is imagining myself in a hot air balloon tethered to the ground by lots of ropes. I cut through each rope in turn, allocating it one of my worries (money, job, mad old ex, ballet kit unwashed, whatever). Some ropes are thicker than others, and take a lot of sawing through, but eventually they all snap and off you go.

See, this is why exH's email messages go straight to a folder that is normally out of sight. I only check them when it's time for contact for confirmation, and even that is by necessity.

Yup, the bigger the bonkers pile, the more leverage you have in court. Hope you had a good night's sleep.

Thank you, SolidGoldBrass. I actually did have a good night's sleep. Probably growing a thicker skin.

I sent a final warning to Toad, as we do not continue to negotiate out of court, there will be no need for emailing back and forth. So one more insult and his email address will be blocked and no more contact will take place. He will then have to find someone to email me on his behalf, if he needs to discuss the house or access to the children. This will be delegated shortly by myself to a someone else, ideally a social worker. He can then insult the social worker.

On Monday, he will receive a letter requesting him to pay CM, followed by a letter from ACAS regarding unfair dismissal. He has written to me in several emails that I should have expected to be fired, because I left him. I wonder what the tribunal will think of this.

I have worked through the online tax credits etc calculator and provided that Toad will pay CM we should be ok in the interim, if he doesn't I will immediately make an application to leave the country. In Germany, my unemployment benefit will be 90% or so of my previous salary in the UK, as it's EU and still German unemployment benefit rules will apply. I checked with the Embassy. So, as soon as we set a foot into Germany, we will be better off. Plus, I will receive housing support and child benefits. I have seen some interesting jobs in Berlin, too. Toad can be forced to pay school fees for an international school. He can afford it.

So, whatever happens, there is a fallback strategy.

You sound much more positive today. :)

Glad you have a plan and back up plans.

Yes, you're sounding more focused now, pleased to hear it.

TBH, your "shouts" around Toad wanting a "reconciliation" sounded more like screams when I read them...

This is my take on it. He doesn't want a "reconciliation" - he can feel that he is actually finally losing his hold on you, and he's trying any way he can to get you back under his control. A "reconciliation" is a euphemism for "trap" in his book. If you were in any way inclined to think that it might be better for the DC to have 2 parents together, and you really believed that under it all he was a decent man who was just misunderstood (see many of the abused wives' threads on here), then it might work - but you don't believe that because you know what he is and how appalling that is. You don't have any rosy glasses about how he would be fine and lovely again if only you did as you were told - you know him for what he is.
It's a last desperate ploy to gain the upper hand - and once you dismiss it, expect him to become even more nasty, and possibly more dangerous. :( (not trying to scare you, just to warn you). He might even try the "I can't live without you, if you won't give us another chance, I'll just kill myself" - correct response is "if you feel that way..."

Pathetically, I started watching 'The good wife' on Netflix and kind of overidentified with the key character, now planning to re-enter the corporate world after working with Toad for 14 years.

I am still labouring away at my CV, not having much confidence.