DH refusing to have the snip

[snipsnipsnippysnip]

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

I do agree that communication is the key. So actually I wouldn’t describe this as “doing his bit”. OP, maybe you should talk a lot more to him about your own feelings. You may have been minimising (to him) the effects on you of two difficult pregnancies and the sheer horribleness of contraceptive drugs that mess with your psychology. You may be taking for granted that he “gets” just how serious it has been for you, but maybe as part of “keeping going” yourself you have been covering some of it up from him, just how bad it made you feel. So maybe rather than trying to tell him that what you’re asking from him is only a small thing, “doing his bit” and “easier for a man”, when to him it seems like a big thing, “being less of a man”, you should emphasise just how dreadful it’s been for you and how you really, really, can’t face any more of it. Give him a chance to be the big man!

And if that doesn’t work then maybe give marriage counselling a go. This kind of simmering disagreement can be corrosive (especially to your sex lives!) and it’s better to find a way to sort it out rather than seething silently (or digging in and refusing sex).

I think something like 40% of PG are unplanned!

Abstaining from PIV if neither of you want more children and neither of you want to use the available contraceptive methods is valid; any kind of sexual blackmail from either party is not (whether it's about this subject or eg I'll clean the house for a blow job)

Lol YS. I'm not convinced that abstinence is healthy in an otherwise sexual relationship. You seem to be going to extremes now :)

Rather than that it's clear that they need to talk. She needs to express her feelings and he needs to come clean about his reticence.

As many as 40% - wow. Anyway, must get back to dusting, I'm on a promise

Abstinence from PIV isn't abstinence from orgasm!

I'm not going to extremes - if both sides find contraceptives have disadvantages which outweigh the benefits of PIV, what other solution is there?

I doubt many people do choose that - most probably use condoms if nothing else works for them - but it is an option. Another, of course, is a balance - have a lot less PIV but have condoms to hand if the urge strikes.

I will withhold sex if my DP doesn't get a vasectomy after I've had this baby (currently 32 weeks). It won't be malicious on my part but purely out of being terrified of becoming pregnant again. I wouldn't trust a condom not to split and for medical reasons sterilisation and hormonal contraception aren't good options for me, although I have used the pill etc in the past and suffered the side effects.

Luckily it was my DP's idea that he would get this procedure done after seeing how unwell I am. I would terminate if I got pregnant again and he doesn't want to put me in that position. He is terrified of medical procedures and needles, and the fact that he has researched this himself and offered this solution has strengthened our relationship.

I would never coerce anyone into a procedure they didn't want but since I would take the physical risks of PIV I wouldn't be having sex anymore and make no apology for that.

If the contraception choices available, are unappealing for the woman, due to the side effects they cause, it is perfectly reasonable to refuse PIV sex. This isn't a matter of punishment, more a matter of preventing pregnancy.

Had my DH not been happy to have a vasectomy, we'd have run into trouble with our sex life, simply because the other options were doing more harm than good. I didn't have to persuade, cajole, blackmail or in any way pressure him into doing it. He knew it was the right thing and did feel that it was a perfectly reasonable expectation on him after what I had been through. It was his expectation of himself as much as mine of him.

Sex is a very important part of our relationship and abstinence would have been unthinkable, but PIV sex would have become a very rare occurrence had we not agreed a long term reliable solution to prevent pregnancy.

Whilst no man should be pressured unduly into having a snip, by refusing, the woman is pressured into taking responsibility for contraception and the option of refusing PIV sex is seen as unreasonable on her part. Condoms may or may not be, a good long term solution.

I do agree that they need to talk and that his excuse is a cover for deeper misgivings.

Hmmmm I think the whole "withhold" syntax is extreme. Don't adults talk any more - surely it shouldn't get to that fractious point?

As subsequent posters have posted - when discussed their OPs have been more than willing.

There are lots of dynamics at play here, the basest of which for any man considering this op is, "can I see myself being with this woman for the rest of my life so forego the ability to have kids with someone else if it doesn't work out?" ( reversal had mixed results).

Any man, no matter how much he is in love will have this pass over his mind at some point in the decision process.

Grown up discussion with professional mediation is the best solution. He has to want to have it (as I and others did) not feel forced - that will fester over time.

Grown up discussion with professional mediation is, of course, the best solution. Both parents have to be open to that approach though - so how do you suggest the OP (and others) gets to that point when the lines of communication have been effectively blocked by the claim that a vasectomy will make him feel less of a man?

There also comes a point when the thought of fathering children with another women becomes irrelevant and unwarranted, and the primary thought becomes "I am too old/have no desire to add to my family" -that will be addressed during the pre-op counselling stage. If you haven't already got to the point mentally, then I would suggest there are other dynamics in your relationship which need to be considered.

In my experience, having had two births, both extremely medically traumatic, I didn't want any more children.
I asked EX H to get the snip, he'd heard that it came with a whole host of problems and long term pain, and he refused. I went on strike.
(Taking the pill and coils etc are not an option for me as I react very badly).
And I honestly thought I'd done my bit, which on reflection was a very immature attitude.
Two years we did not have sex.
Two Years!!!
He left and got someone pregnant immediately and has since had another child, so can I just say going "on strike" didn't work for me!
I'm left with all the debt and the wrecked body and he is happily sowing his wild oats, but I think we would have split up anyway.
Maybe you need to have a good chat with him about both of your options?

OP stated in her OP that her DH was happy to have no more kids.

If DH died tomorrow, I would still have time to meet someone and have another child. I could make the decision that I don't want to readily enough right now. As it happens, hormonal contraception works for me so I don't need to, but if I didn't have that choice, I could still make the decision.

I don't really understand what you mean by "fractious" point - whether it is withholding or opting out of or whatever - if there is no suitable contraceptive method, what other options are there?

Hmmmm and reading some of the strong posts below makes it only more apparent that this is a complex issue not to be captured under the broad umbrella of "doing his bit".

It's clear that for things to have got to this impasse then there are wider issues in the OPs relationship when it comes to communication (from both sides).

As a man having had a vasectomy and also supported non-hormonal contraception using condoms for many years prior I thought it useful to have the other perspective. Seemingly not, we've become entrenched in semantics when the issue at hand is clear.

Someone has to compromise - some tough decisions have to be made. That's not a one sided process. I don't defend the man's seeming belligerence but I do in part understand it.

I'll leave it there before risking being burned at the stake

I am wondering if it is the person who feels the most strongly who should have the op. I would have liked more kids but it was too dangerous. DH was adamant he didn't want any more so he had the op. Partly because it was a more minor op for him but it was mostly because he didn't want more children.

I hate the phrase "withholding" - if I choose to opt out of something I enjoy because I think it may be harmful to me, I'm not withholding anything.

Keep telling yourself it's about semantics, Oxy. It really isn't.

"I'd hedge that most here wouldn't exchange the end result irrespective of the road travelled"

I might start a thread seeing if those with two or more DCs were medically able to have their DH carry one child, if they would.

You keep trying to ignore that biology makes unprotected PIV an uneven risk game, Oxy.

For me the road travelled is so awful that if I will never do it again regardless of the end result. And I would be celibate if that is what it takes. I'm not obliged to compromise when it comes to my physical and mental health. And Oxy, the consequences of PIV are entirely a 'one sided process'.

Sorry, Oxy, I don't mean to get at you and I do think you've taken this seriously in your own relationship; it's just that this isn't a jokey subject where the alternative forms of contraception affect so many women's health and where pregnancy is dangerous - all the risk is to women and you seem to be making light of that.

Mirena made me lose hair, feel sluggish and put on weight. A few days after removing it I felt like new!

For the avoidance of doubt. I think I've covered what has been asked since in earlier posts.

A grown up chat between the two most affected people is what it needed. Both with cards on the table expressing their fears etc etc and coming to an acceptable conclusion.

If this isn't possible then they should part ways. Whether the topic is vasectomy or any other - the basic point is there. If you can't both communicate then there is little hope.

As has been posted below by others. Removing sex (for whatever reason) isn't beneficial to either party and will invariably lead to mutual frustration and wandering eyes.

The crux is folks - as protective of your bodies as you are (given the risks of childbirth) the man has a right too. If he is not willing to make the choice that his partner wants he isn't wrong. It's his choice.

So, I sincerely hope that the OP and her DP work this one out jointly with both their interests/needs/fears addressed and they have a happy future.

I can't see any point in merely repeating the same stuff again.

What happens if you split up and he meets somebody else who wants to have children ?
Would this be part of the reason for his refusal?

YS I'm not making light of pregnancy nor the side effects of hormonal contraception on women. Let me be clear on that.

If he cares for his partner and sees a long term future with her then he should look at vasectomy. If he has any doubts then he should not. The ramifications on the relationship may be severe but that doesn't remove the element of choice.

The decision to make yourself infertile isn't something made whilst chomping down your cornflakes. That's my point :)

So folks, put the pitchforks down. I'm not saying that women should be forced to be endless child machines because of head in the sand men. I am saying however that the language of withholding infers a lack of mature discussion and is likely to end in frustration.

Again, to sum it up, they need to talk - make some choices and live with their outcome.

No one is chasing you with pitchforks, FGS.

And if her DH wishes to leave her and have sex with someone else, he'll still have the contraceptive issue.

Wow, so excitable on here. YS, relax - you'll give yourself an ulcer. I was being frivolous with the pitchfork remark.

OK - honestly final post on this.

1. If his partner left to be with someone else then yes, he would have the issue. He would have the choice to (outside a relationship) have a vasectomy as I did or have a relationship with someone else either happy to have kids/more kids or have no issues otherwise with contraceptive solutions available.

1. He may be perfectly happy with non PIV intercourse for the future you are correct. Forgive my possible romanticised view that PIV intercourse and the associated intimacy has been important in any relationship I've been in. I may admittedly be in the minority.

I really don't see what you're taking umbrage at in what I'm saying. You are defending the woman's choice - I am similarly defending the man's

Again. I hope the OP and her DP come to a solution that works for them!