DH refusing to have the snip

[snipsnipsnippysnip]

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

Using condoms long term is absolutely fine

Oops, AYW, I assumed you were talking about vasectomy, but just realised I might have got that totally wrong (want to blame but it's still a bit early)

"When the male pill finally arrives, if a woman takes the Pill for 10 years, is it selfish for her to ask her DH todo the next ten years (or vice versa)?"

Ask, never. Insist, perhaps. To suppress sperm production takes much greater hormonal interference than to alter menstrual cycle enough to suppress ovulation once a month, so side effects might not be comparable. And of course if he had D&V or misses enough pills to risk restarting production it could be months before the ampullae are fully clear again.

Have expert surgery to have your tubes tied

yes but most of those contraceptive methods for women can be reversed fairly easily. A vasectomy less so if at all.

Thanks JohnER. He's got some anti-biotics and actually (with the help of some tighter tightie whities) is feeling a bit better today.

Never, in this case, the DH isn't fussed about having the future children option closed off.

Of course, no one should choose sterilisation until they are happy with that.

Shelagh - it was out of order for your DH to return with you booked for a coil in his slight defence, I do understand him changing his mind at the pre-ope as it unnerved DH a lot and they also suggested that I consider the coil and that we wait and make sure that DC3 did not die of cot death No excuse for forcing the onus on you though.

Yes, I was thinking in terms of reversing any unpleasant side effects rather than the contraceptive purpose.

My DH didn't want to have a vasectomy so we continued using condoms. And I got pregnant with DS3.... DH went for his vasectomy 5 months after DS3 was born

If I had medical problems as you describe, OP, I'd get myself sorted - for my own convenience and comfort. It's a bigger operation yes, but it's not an enormous one either.

If you husband doesn't want to have a vasectomy then he shouldn't be 'made to'. I really don't subscribe to the 'I've done my bit' thing; it's not a competition or scorecard as some think.

Both people in a couple are responsible for contraception. You might prefer condom-free but perhaps that's just not an option. What else have you considered?

"When the male pill finally arrives, if a woman takes the Pill for 10 years, is it selfish for her to ask her DH todo the next ten years (or vice versa)?"

why would only one person be taking the pill at a time, surely if neither wanted children both would be taking it?

Female sterilisation is more likely to fail than vasectomy. 1 in 200 compared to 1 in 2000 my c section surgeon told me. She also told my dh it was 'his turn' as my scar had ruptured and future pregnancy would be high risk. Dh had always said 'no way' up to that point but changed his mind. Recovery did take a bit longer than anecdote suggested and he was in quite a lot of pain the fiest week. I am glad that I gave him the chance to opt out on the day, the guilt if I had pressurised him would have been terrible. He jokes that there is no way he could afford more kids if he ran off with someone in the future!

Same reason as why only one is taking it now... only one needs to be unable to produce sperm/get pregnant.

fruitpastille... That is very unprofessional of your surgeon and absolutely none of her business. How would you feel if the situation were reversed, that a male surgeon had applied some pressure to you?

I reckon that medical advances will mean that it's possible for men to carry babies to term in future - and I can just hear the outcry from some women who revel in the 'it's your turn' crap when they can no longer treat pregnancy and giving birth as a feminine occupation.

Lying

But the female pill is not 100% effective, so why would you take the risk of it failing?

Why do women take the risk of using that method now then? Some women use it as their only form of contraception.

I got a non surgical procedure called Essure - it has been truly fab and no worse than a smear.

I got mine on the NHS for a variety of reasons.

I don't really understand why it's not more used, as it means no surgery for anyone. Well worth a look into for all those debating who should be snipped.

Some women do use it as there only form of contraceptive but some don't, why do some women insist on multiple forms of contraceptive?

Its a circular question.

BoneyBack, why don't all men whose wives are on the pill use condoms as well, by that argument?

Why doesn't OP get sterilised and her DH get a vasectomy?

Women are not supposed to be on the pill for more than 10 years continuously - you may or may not know that - which is why I picked ten years.

Most couples judge that one effective form of contraception is enough, in case the answers to my post aren't obvious.

Mirena coil is great and sorts out heavy periods too. Definitely worth a try IMO.

Yoni

The first response was sufficient, thanks :)

I spotted your circular argument pits after my first, so thought perhaps it wasn't.