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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

257 replies

snipsnipsnippysnip · 22/10/2014 17:53

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 22/10/2014 19:02

It comes down to the fact that as long as he is happy to accept a contraception failure will mean another baby he can refuse to do it. Ask him what he would want to happen in the event that the condom failed (and they do) especially considering that you presumably cant take the MAP or use a copper coil as emergency contraception.

If he says that he would want you to have a termination then he is a selfish shit who is happy for you to go through that but not go through a simple procedure that could prevent it happening in the first place. If he says that he wouldnt be thrilled but would accept that you (as a couple) are having another baby, then I think you have to accept his reasons.

But....it would piss me off too. H is of the same mind and although he hasnt said as much I think it is partly fear of being less of a man and partly because he is terrified of any kind of surgery/medical intervention.

ouryve · 22/10/2014 19:02

The average age of menopause is 51.

My mum was done and dusted by 40. I'm still chugging along with all sorts of perimenopausal symptoms and an increasingly erratic cycle at 45. My mum was sterilised, though, which is probably what made that difference. We both started our periods at just turned 11.

PlantsAndFlowers · 22/10/2014 19:10

I can see his point. My DH suggested getting a vasectomy and the thought just made me shudder (I imagined I'd see him like a eunuch.)

I think it's a bit off to be cross with someone for not wanting surgery.

MajesticWhine · 22/10/2014 19:17

The idea of going to the GP together is a good one.
My DH refused to have the snip, (having earlier promised he would). This pissed me off, but I got over it, and now I have a copper coil. It hasn't made my periods any heavier, if anything a bit lighter, although they were a bit weird for a while.

Topseyt · 22/10/2014 19:19

I see both sides of the argument here, and you can't force him into surgery he doesn't want.

However, his reason for not wanting it is a bit awry, although not uncommon amongst many men. It is vasectomy, NOT castration. If he were being castrated then his masculinity would more than likely be affected because removal of his male plums would remove his main testosterone production plant. Vasectomy only severs the vas deferens tube. Otherwise, it removes and adjusts nothing. He would remain as male as ever.

Playdoughcaterpillar · 22/10/2014 19:20

Consider IUS? Very low local action of hormone, not as likely to give you the hormonal side effects as pill or injection etc? And no periods! Woo hoo!

scaevola · 22/10/2014 19:22

"At least with vasectomy they have a look to see if there are any sperm there."

Recanalisation can occur, even years after the operation. First symptom is pregnancy. The newish Essure female sterilisation (which does not require a general) is probably safer.

Surreyblah · 22/10/2014 19:25

I am in a similar boat, down to the pregnancy history/injections, DH's reasons are different, but I feel differently, since at the end of the day it's his body, and vasectomy isn't risk free.

I actually have sterilisation scheduled but don't feel can go through with it, going to cancel because am scared of general anaesthetic, infection, further surgery and pain!

Moreno coil? I hated it but it reduces or stops periods, might be worth a try.

Mammanat222 · 22/10/2014 19:27

I understand the annoyance. My OH is pretty much the same... not that we've seriously discussed it but he is known by friends and family as "glass balls" as anything remotely to do with that area makes him break out in a cold sweat (he can't watch anyone get hit in the groin, even the "fake" stuff like wrestling makes him wince and he even worries about DS knocking his bits etc, etc

However I don't see a point when I'd ever force / blackmail him into having surgery he truly doesn't want - regardless of how crappy his reason is.

Us women are very quick to use the "my body, my choice" argument but surely this should extend to men as well?

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 19:32

About 15% of women have negative side effects on Mirena IUS. If you are sensitive to progestin- only contraceptive, give it a swerve.

I had it for 10 months and never stopped bleeding.

Bogeyface · 22/10/2014 19:35

Slightly OT, but I went fucking crackers on Depo Provera (sp? the injection). It was like I had had a personality transplant. I dont get PMT ever, but I had it solidly for 6 months on the the injection, after being talked into trying it a second time because they were sure it would stop.....yeah right.

Does that mean I wont suit Mirena?

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 19:38

The problem with Mirena is, if you are one of those who gets side effects, and they lie and say no one does, they fob you off for months telling you it will settle because they don't want to take it out.

twizzleship · 22/10/2014 19:39

I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy
It is NOT a bigger operation for a woman than a man - i feel you're just looking for excuses to force him into doing something he doesn't want.

here's some info from: www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception-guide/pages/female-sterilisation.aspx#female
"A mini-laparotomy involves a small incision, usually less than 5cm (2 inches), just above the pubic hairline. Your surgeon can then access your fallopian tubes through this incision"

queenofthepirates · 22/10/2014 19:41

Oh course this is the quid pro quo for carrying children. A simple snip is a fraction of the effort we put into carrying and then labour not to mention the breastfeeding.

Tell him to man up and get it done, real men don't put their wives in danger of an unwanted pregnancy.

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 19:42

DH had a no incision vasectomy. So that would mean a bigger op for the female.

Also, it increases risk of ectopic pregnancy should it fail. You can die from that.

Chunderella · 22/10/2014 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surreyblah · 22/10/2014 19:48

My GP removed the mirena straightaway when I asked, sounds like was lucky there.

I was offered tube removal, which reduces risk of pregnancy/ectopic.

scaevola · 22/10/2014 19:49

I thougt there is no such thng as a "no incision" vasectomy - did you mean "no scalpel"? There is one small incision only for that.

The risks of vasectomy tend to be underestimated, and the risks of female sterilisation over-estimated.

But the main point, that no spouse should insist their wife or husband has surgery for whatever reason, isn't connected with relative risk.

It's a fundamental principle of bodily autonomy.

OP's DH is happy to use condoms (the only other method available for his sole control). He's not shedding responsibility, just rejecting surgery.

His reasons sound crap. And better communication might lead to a different outcome.

But whatever he's thinking - it's his body, his choice.

CheersMedea · 22/10/2014 20:00

Tell him to man up and get it done, real men don't put their wives in danger of an unwanted pregnancy.

I'm honestly shocked that someone would think like this.

"Real men" don't just do what they are brow beaten into EVER - but especially when that involves surgery that makes an unnatural alteration to the body when they don't want it.

Frankly, if my husband did some thing that that when he didn't want to because I forced him into it I would regard him as a total wimp and not a real man at all.

Fortunately, it is not something I'd ever ask of him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/10/2014 20:07

From what I last read on this Long-term testicular pain affects around one in 10 men after vasectomy.

His body his choice.

"Tell him to man up and get it done, real men don't put their wives in danger of an unwanted pregnancy."

Emotional blackmail is always a good way to destroy a relationship.

Original poster
snipsnipsnippysnip · 22/10/2014 22:55

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, it's helped to calm my temper a bit.

twizzle a doctor told me it's a more intrusive and serious operation for a woman so I took it to be a fairly well informed assessment. I'm not looking for excuses, so I will revisit it. Having said that I suppose I would resent doing it slightly.

Chunderella, we'd never have a baby without me taking medication. I'm very fertile, but I suppose he also knows there wouldn't be a baby. Shit, that makes me feel sad again, but I don't think he's that calculating.

I'll concentrate on adult acceptance and a bit of research!

OP posts:
Hatespiders · 22/10/2014 23:11

I too was sterilised many years ago. It was a 'day procedure' with a general anaesthetic and keyhole surgery with a laparoscopy (two tiny stitches) and no pain. I can honestly say it was as easy as pie (and I'm quite a coward!)
I agree with the idea of going along to your GP or clinic together and getting all the information. But please don't completely discount having the op yourself; it really was so straightforward in my case.

wideboy26 · 22/10/2014 23:17

I didn't like condoms and I didn't fancy the idea of my wife taking hormones for the rest of her reproductive life. Neither did I like what I heard about the side effects of iuds and the diaphragm was such a gooey mess. So I had a vasectomy 25 years ago. A few days of discomfort (really nothing more than that) and removal of a big worry for both of us. Sex was no different - if anything, better for the lack of worry. It's a real shame your husband can't see it differently.

Sapat · 22/10/2014 23:39

I don't understand why people get sterilised tbh, for me it is akin to mutilation. I guess I would never take fertility for granted, and I don't like non-essential operations.

Adarajames · 23/10/2014 01:03

Bogey - I went psycho with the injections, but merina coil has been great! Very light periods having had years of so heavy can't leave the house curled up in ball screaming in pain level, to so light and pain free I don't even realise it's arrived at times!