DH refusing to have the snip

[snipsnipsnippysnip]

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

if he left he could still use condoms (as he is now) so he wouldn't have a contraceptive issue.

Wow, so excitable on here

Patronising git.

Oxy, I've tried hard to be polite to you and treat your posts seriously; since you haven't bothered to do the same, I really don't see why we should all be appreciating your alternative view on this or whatever you said in your earlier post.

Boney, both the OP and her DH dislike condoms. I expect the outcome will be that they continue using them and that they don't split up. But they are a less reliable form of contraception.

Wow. Last I saw this was a forum for men and women - least when I registered it asked.

So defensive :)

Anyway, good luck OP, I hope it works out for you both.

"As a man having had a vasectomy and also supported non-hormonal contraception using condoms for many years prior I thought it useful to have the other perspective. "

You posted this; I assumed you therefore meant "a male perspective" as you'd identified that most posters on this thread (and indeed on this site) were female.

Oxy, your perspective seems to be that the woman withholds sex as some kind of strop because he won't do what she wants him to do. I don't believe that it the reality at all. A woman stops having PIV sex because the risk to herself is too high. The risk of pregnancy or side effects from alternative contraception are not something that can just be ignored. If a couple can't get past an issue like this then there probably isn't much hope for their relationship, but both parties are responsible for that. The woman in that position did not choose to with hold sex as a free choice, he left her no alternative.

Wow - still so patronising

OP, you can't really decide that another autonomous adult must or must not have surgery with it's attendant risks. I totally understand your fears around female sterilisation, I wouldn't recoomend it to anyone given my experience.

It is perfectly possible to have a full and varied sex life without PIV sex. I find it really odd that an adult male is incapable of understanding this. Until I read that we have to calm down dear. Nice to see you posting Mr Cameron. Not sure I wanted to know so much about your sex life, but hey... hardly our fault you're not very creative

I was sterilised 8.5 years ago. Took two days to recover then I was fine. I'm now 46 and still no signs of either menopause or pregnancy.

Do people really go around making decisions with,'If we split, I need to have the option of sprogging more with more people'? I've only been married once, no live-in partners. It would not occur to us to think like this.

I agree carlson. It has always struck me as a very odd way to think. Especially the pp who felt that if her man had the snip and they split up, it would be unfair on any future partner he had.

I don't get the need to procreate with every 'partner' and would not be able to afford it. And then, there is just telling the other person, 'I was sterilised. There will be no children.' And then the other person can decide.

Again I have only been with DH and we are married, we don't make big decisions with an eye to 'if we divorce.'

There is death, yes, but the odds of that are not great when you are relatively young and again, aside from wills, pensions, insurance policies and the like, not something we go around basing big decisions around.

He had the snip when he was in his mid 30s because he never wanted more children. And my death, our divorce, one of our children's deaths (which did happen) won't change that.

I guess if you are of the thought, 'I need to procreate with another person' and you can afford support for all your children, sterilisation is not for you.

Completely agree carlson. DH had the snip at 45 after a surprise arrived in the form of DC3. He/we had got to a point in our lives when there was absolutely no desire to continue to procreate, for a number of different reasons. Ultimately, of course, it was his decision, but it was based on conversations about what was best for our family and marriage at that time - not what might or might not happen with theoretical new partners after a theoretical divorce who might or might not want him to father more children.

What an odd way to make major life decisions.

So pleased that ultimately it was his discussion after some mature grown up discussions working out what was best for all concerned

Perhaps such a comment or suggestion on here is better received by a woman. Heaven knows - as a man I've tried the same and failed ;)

His decision I meant :)

You've failed for very different reasons

at Sir

Lol at the tag team :) Amusing.

Always a good thing to be able to laugh at yourself

Oxy, have you discovered Threads I'm On yet? It's really nifty.

Lol and both bite. Tsk tsk.

I had it done instead of my needle phobic husband. It was no big deal and I personally would rather be the one having it done anyway. Sounds mad I know.