DH refusing to have the snip

[snipsnipsnippysnip]

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

Yes, it would be fascinating to know that the actual, real world pregnancy risk is when, say, using both a diaphragm and male condoms. There's not enough information out there about combining different methods.

I am agog at people who think he should do anything like this against his will

I don't think anyone is suggesting that a man should do it against his will, more that he should be open to the idea and look at the facts, rather than making up some pathetic excuse about it making him less manly!

I think the point my friend's dh was making re the sex demands is why would he do something as drastic as that without knowing it would be worth it.

So he equates 'worth it' with blackmailing his wife into having sex with him at least twice a week, whether she wanted to or not?

He sounds an utter delight

I think he has a reasonable point!

But I would never want my dh to have a vasectomy against his will. Or even if he wanted it. We never know what the future holds. I hope we are together forever but maybe we won't be. I wouldn't want to rob another woman the chance of a family if she ended up with dh, due to my death or any other reason.

I bet Wildpoppies friends DH was joking. Its the type of thing my DH might joke about and my DH is always respectful and considerate.

"why would he do something as drastic as that without knowing it would be worth it."

Why,what contraception were they previously using?

I tried a Mirena coil, for contraception, I have never (touch wood) had troublesome periods. It was fantastic contracpetion. I got spots all over my face, shoulders and back and felt too unattractive to have sex. My libido displeased overnight so was never inclined to have sex. My depression intensified tremendously so sex did not appeal. And I bled enough to need light days tampons despite their giving me yet more hormones to make it stop.

Then I found out about 15% of users report negative side effects like these.

It is not a magic bullet and, though they will tell you it's fine to use even if you have experienced negative side effects on progestin-only contraception,if you are one of those people, proceed with caution.

You find it reasonable for a man to blackmail a woman for sex?

I do hope that he was 'joking' and that he has developed a more mature sense of humour since.

I'm incredibly lucky not to have got anyone pregnant in nearly a decade and a half.

Or it turns out that you are infertile?
But it is possible that your partners were on the pill.

In early relationships and casual sex encounters it's always best to use a condom anyway.

When it comes to preventing an unwanted pregnancy, there has to be some expectation from each partner, that one or the other, will take responsibility for contraception.
It's not all the woman's responsibility.
I took the pill for years, that was my choice but I had to accept that it came with potential health risks. The advantages made it worthwhile until I got to an age where I felt the risks were increasing and no longer acceptable to me.
All forms of contraception come with various advantages and risks (such as pregnancy).
Vasectomy is no different. It has clear advantages but it does come with potential risks. It is as reasonable for a woman to expect a man to expose himself to that risk, as it is for him to expect her to expose herself to the inherent risks of alternative contraception.
In a relationship, this is an area of joint responsibility. Of course no-one should be forced or coerced into anything, but everything should be open for discussion and a complete refusal to consider an option, should be justified.

Yy Wine.

Hmmmm personally I was very happy to have a vasectomy but I did it outside of a relationship knowing my own mind.

Even in my mid thirties with two kids the private doctor spent almost as long trying to make sure I was ready than he did with the scalpel.

Any surgery is personal, has risks and shouldn't be taken lightly. Any pressure on others to take risks with their own body isn't akin to a loving relationship IMO.

Pregnancy risks a women's body and hormonal contraception also carries risks.

Look, I don't think anyone should be pressuring others into surgery, and I acknowledge vasectomy comes with risks. But it is not possible to have risk free PIV and this never seems to be acknowledged. Even condoms can split, come off etc.

Perhaps I could have been clearer.

Of course pregnancy has risks as does hormonal contraception. As someone who had prior used condoms for 4 years having discussed such with my partner it's about communication.

Surgery has a certain finality (given hit and miss reversal) so both parties need to be ready.

Back to PIV having risks, if folks aren't mature enough to accept the risk facing the consequences of their (see above options) actions then they shouldn't be bumping uglies.

Open communication not pressure

Sorry, Oxy, that wasn't specifically "at" you

No probs YS - on reflection thought I hadn't been clear anyway.

Can't preach good communication then fail making a post ;)

Since he says it’s about feeling like “less of a man” you could argue on his own ground. Doesn't manliness mean protecting the people he loves most? Sure, there are physical risks to him, and sure, he may feel like less of a man if he can’t father children. But equally there are physical risks to his wife if she does it and she may also feel less womanly if she can’t have more children. His wife has already put herself through a lot physically for the good of the family, she doesn’t begrudge it because only she could do it and she believes that if he could have done it, he would. She’s done the womanly thing and she has nothing to prove.

Now here is something that he could do as a man, to protect her and care for her. So what kind of man expects his wife to make their sex life more pleasant and protect herself from unwanted pregnancy and contraceptive side effects, by having an operation that he could just as easily have himself? How exactly does wanting his wife to do it for him make him more of “a man”?

Wowzer! Manhood being called into question for refusing to have a vasectomy.

That's a bit extreme.

Oxy, I don't think that's what PP meant - OP's DH said he didn't want it done as he'd feel "less of a man" - PP was countering that with some arguments as to why it might be a supportive/manly thing to do.

It's amusing although not to be unexpected on a mainly female forum.

I'm unsure how the joy of pregnancy, childbirth and the close maternal bond can be hoisted up as doing the woman's bit (I know that's a romanticised view and there are equal problems/pain/discomfort).

Firstly, us men can't carry children but we're usually there and active participants in the conception. That's physically as involved as we can be- we can't toss a coin and choose to have the next child. So the 'doing your bit' argument it's both ways

In my case, I supported my family so my wife could stay at home with the kids whilst I worked harder to supplement income. Not romantic but manly all the same. That was my practical role.

So - for the OP to be embittered when sleeping with her husband because she feels hard done by is a bit of an enigma. He couldn't have done much more (unless he was a lazy useless feck).

So - background aside we're back to the point that if he doesn't feel comfortable with surgery then he shouldn't be pressured into it in the same way that the OP shouldn't. Motherhood isn't an immediate moral credit in the vasectomy stakes!

When I was comfortable I made my choice. We're i pressured or felt pressured I'd have refused.

"In general, surgery for pelvic organ prolapse is relatively common. It is estimated that 1 in 10 women will have had surgery for prolapse by the time they are 80 years old."

Just one of the common complications post pregnancy - (and I know not all such surgeries are on women who have had children.)

I do not feel any more closely bonded to our children than my DH, and we shared work and childcare throughout. But your wife provided childcare support whilst you provided financial support - both need to be done and each couple divides it differently.

Childbirth wasn't a joy, it was painful and, in the case of my second, frightening.

I don't want to play top trumps with you, as I've already agreed that no one should be pressured into any decision about their body.

How do you find the DH's argument, which doesn't seem to be about risk or reluctance to go through surgery, but about him feeling "less of a man"?

Actually I was wondering about the OP – her anger with him is specifically sexual, as if she feels that whatever he may say, he isn’t stepping up and acting the man. I wasn’t really making an objective claim about who’s justified, more trying to nail down some rather slippery feelings about it. I know that a lot of men - my own DH among them! – do see their masculine role as protective. And maybe the OP – who’s had quite a rough time with reproductive stuff – would like to feel protected.

I didn’t say he was being lazy or useless. Perhaps cowardly.

YS - I have never said that childbirth was a walk in the park. I'd hedge that most here wouldn't exchange the end result irrespective of the road travelled ;)

The difference is - having children is typically by choice (and perhaps in the event of an unexpected pregnancy and the wtf moment) wanted. It's unfair to compare it to a non maternity related procedure.

Won't play top trumps and hats off to you for finding a teamwork solution which worked for you as did we. Teamwork. Communication. Mutual needs met. I like it.

I suspect the DH masking deeper uncertainty or fear with that poor excuse. What I do know however is that silly posts such as those suggesting withholding sex (not from you may I add) are infantile.

Open and honest communication is what's needed.