DH refusing to have the snip

[snipsnipsnippysnip]

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

Pits = post

DH announced he was getting the snip and wouldn't hear of me having the op. He said I had done my bit with the ECS, scar repair and 2VBACs and the GP said it was a bigger op for me and refused to do it. To be fair I wasn't completely serious and asked for other reasons.

DH was sore for a few days and it was worrying when a testicle went rather dark but he was then okay and sex is nicer without condoms though we were used to them as used them for 12 years prior.

Less of a men is a ridiculous argument but you do have to listen to any other reasons and see if you can calm his worries. You both have choices.

I'm surprised at the failure rate of female sterilisation compared with vasectomies - considering that there seem to be lots of warnings that any pregnancies resulting from a failed female sterilisation may be ectopic then it's definitely something to consider.

...Not that I did

Op I haven't read all the posts. I see more than a handful of men per yr wanting reversal.
If your periods are already heavy it is likely to continue and worsen so you could end up both being on some form of contraception so would make a vasectomy a waste.
I am definitely in the camp his body his choice but it is an easier op for a man if the will is there.

Surely it is down to the individual as to what they do to their body?

As a man, my life expectancy is lower than a woman's, so personally I'm extremely worried about having a procedure done that increases the likelihood of aggressive Prostate Cancer. That doesn't mean I would try and tell another man or woman what they should or shouldn't do, even if they were my partner.

During the 24 years of this study, 12.4% of those who had had a vasectomy developed prostate cancer, compared with 12.1% of those who hadn’t.

www.nhs.uk/news/2014/07July/Pages/Vasectomy-associated-prostate-cancer-risk-small.aspx

Some background info.

@YonicScrewdriver. My GP says that there is no increased risk of benign Prostate Cancer, but there is with Aggressive Prostate Cancer.

I was offered a sterilization when I had my last (3rd) c-section. The male registrar at the ante natal clinic told me it was a better option for me than a vasectomy because vasectomies required follow up to be sure and in his opinion, as a man, you couldn't trust men to be that conscientious! His frankness really made me laugh! I think if you really don't want any more children, take it in your own hands. Do what is right for you. The real problem that I know there is not much NHS funding for female sterilization which is so damn unfair.

m.jco.ascopubs.org/content/early/2014/07/02/JCO.2013.54.8446.abstract

"Vasectomy and Risk of Aggressive Prostate Cancer: A 24-Year Follow-Up Study.....Conclusion Our data support the hypothesis that vasectomy is associated with a modest increased incidence of lethal prostate cancer."

The study was pretty large

Forget about the surgery as it might destroy your marriage. You see your DH thinks he is going to be a less man after it and if you do it then you will be a less woman to him. He might not be excited by you anymore and that would be it. It is of course pathetic he thinks like that.

The NHS page I linked is referencing that same study and does indeed show a modest increase, as per the quote I posted.

Conversely (in comparison to that 24 year cohort study), a meta analysis shows there is no link between prostate cancer and vasectomy www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19593998

I liked the cap when I was fertile.

DH having the snip, was the biggest boost to our sex life.
The lack of hormone contraception and the zero risk of pregnancy, made a huge difference to our sex drives and it has been fantastic ever since.
'Less manly' is a very long way from my DH's experience!

Yes he is an adult and free to choose but I do think that in a marriage, when the woman has been through childbirth and possibly years of hormonal contraception, the man should give it serious consideration. I would have been unimpressed if my DH had objected to it, but despite being nervous he knew it was the right thing to do.

Not read all responses but tbh I am agog at people who think he should do anything like this against his will.

I have two friends who have been in same position. One dh suggested he would do it against his will but only if he was guaranteed sex twice a week to make it worth it, and friend refused. Thought that was, not sure right word, thought-provoking.

What if you and kids die and after a suitably long mourning period he meets someone else and wants more children?

Or if you leave him and he meets someone who wants kids.

Or if he leaves you.

Wild, OP has stated that those are not the reasons for her DH saying no.

Your friend with his "sexguarantee" does not sound like a nice man.

Your friend's 'd'h sounds like a complete arse wild

I had a vasectomy after our second child. Just seemed the right thing to do. Hardest part was having groin height toddlers running around past op.

And boy did our sex life take off afterwards. We put this partly down to the pill having depressed my wife's libido and partly down to the complete lack of worry around a further pregnancy.

10 years later and we're still going strong.

Yy lost. A very high proportion of women have never had a significant "non pill" sex life.

One to ponder!

OP, this might be useful in assessing different contraceptives
www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html?_r=0
It outlines failure rates with long term use for each option- some of them are pretty dismal.

Very interesting LBH. It is a statistical model I see. I have used condoms (as a man) my entire sexually active life and I'm now in my early 30s, so I guess I'm incredibly lucky not to have got anyone pregnant in nearly a decade and a half.

30, were none of your partners on hormonal contraception as well?

I've had short relationships where I wanted to keep using condoms so didn't mention that I was on the pill!

To my knowledge, they weren't YSd, but I guess they could have been - they would have had to be pretty good at concealing it though and some of them were lying to me if indeed they were on it.

To be fair I also change condoms if I feel one is close to splitting.

Yes, 30 something, its a statistical model based on studies of one year failure rates. 10 year studies don't exist, except for sterilisation and the coil (because few women use the same contraception for ten years straight). The typical use category is fairly broad- most people fall somewhere between typical and perfect use.
I still think its an interesting tool though. If nothing else, it highlights how important it is to make sure you're actually using your chosen method of contraception correctly!

I also think it is an interesting tool. Would be amazing if one could calculate risk using a combination of different methods - could be a neat online tool and much more fun than doing a manual, probability calculation a la Maths GCSE style for each combo!