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Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

257 replies

snipsnipsnippysnip · 22/10/2014 17:53

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

OP posts:
Johnogroats · 24/10/2014 12:40

DH had it done about a year ago....having "not got round to it" during the 7 years since DS2 was born. I got too old to take the pill, then had condom disaster. Ended up with iud which gave me horrendous periods....he got the hint.

He had balls the size of melons for a few days, but was fine after a week or so.

Owllady · 24/10/2014 12:48

Just carry on using condoms and stop feeling angry about it. He doesn't love you any less because he won't have it done :)

Mine won't either and I had my last child at 29 so he's got a long way to go until my menopause.It's up to him and not worth getting stressed over imo

tootsietoo · 24/10/2014 12:53

Have only scanned the whole thread, but would you consider the Mirena Coil? They reduce or get rid of your periods and there is only a very small amount of hormone released into your uterus.

I'm in exactly the same position as you. However, I have always known that DH would be too much of a wimp to have it done so never banked on it. I also agree with others that you can't ask anyone to have a medical procedure that they aren't willing to have - I would not expect him to ask that of me. But I understand the feeling that he SHOULD be willing!

ShelaghTurner · 24/10/2014 13:01

I had this exact debate earlier this year, no more children wanted, both detested condoms with a passion, hormonal contraceptives not good for me. We agreed on a vasectomy - he did too, wasn't brow beaten. He went for the consultation and came back with an appointment arranged for me to see about a mirena, which I now have.

My depression has nosedived, I am covered in teenage spots and yes I do feel resentful that he was too much of a coward to go through with it. And came home pleased as punch that it was down to me yet again. Childbirth isn't a trade off but there has to be some give and take in a marriage and I definitely feel like all the giving has come from me.

thetoysarealiveitellthee · 24/10/2014 13:12

Id never ever put DP under pressure to have a procedure done that he didn't want to, unless it was essential for his health.

Men cannot physically have children so its irrelevant that "you have done your bit". And I have known 2 men that have had this procedure and have suffered horribly - my Dad had to go back in to hospital 4 times and still suffers the complications nearly 15 years later and my friend and her DH haven't had sex for nearly 7 months after his procedure.

If you are not willing to consider it, so the two of you can discuss the pro's and cons of each of you having it done, then the subject should be closed and other means explored.

One way I have tried to reason this out in my own mind, in case me and DP ever have to have this discussion, is thinking about circumscision - I know its OT but the principles are the same - do I agree with forcing someone to have a procedure that they may not want to have done? No. And there was my answer.

foreverdepressed · 24/10/2014 13:25

I'm quite shocked at the number of women who think this is about 'taking turns' and 'doing his bit'. It is absolutely not. His body, his choice, no ifs or buts.

He is also willing to use condoms and as long as he takes responsibility for his I can't see the issue. And as others have pointed out, getting "the snip" is not without long term risks either.

stressed39 · 24/10/2014 14:29

Took me 3 months to feel normal on Cerazette. (mini pill) Cant take the other re migraines.
Tried everything.
Fine now.
Its great actually. No period.

carlsonrichards · 24/10/2014 15:52

So why put up with it, Shelagh? Make an appointment with the FPC and have it removed. The only other options you have is a copper coil, a diaphragm or condoms.

If none of those appeal, you tell him you cannot have PIV sex.

I wouldn't find anyone who disregarded such serious side effects of mine too unattractive to shag, tbh.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/10/2014 16:08

So its fine for women to suffer mood swings, hideously painful periods, migraine, depression, an increased risk of breast cancer, but anything with any risk must be immediately dismissed for men?

Misogyny alive and well I see...

We are waiting for the all clear from DH's vasectomy now, he had it done by a GP who does several a week in a small theatre at his practice.

FWIW he did see it as 'his turn' having seen me go through two less than straightforward pregnancies and two c-sections, he wanted to do his bit so that I didn't have to go on hormonal contraception which doesn't agree with me.

Reading this thread i'm immensely glad that I'm not married to a selfish arse who thinks that keeping his 'manhood' intact is more important than my emotional and physical wellbeing, and our sex life and marriage.

carlsonrichards · 24/10/2014 16:23

Exactly, Ali. Why would you even want sex with someone who disregarded how miserable side effects made you?

DayLillie · 24/10/2014 16:24

For those of you thinking menopause will solve your contraceptive problems, it is not all that straight forward. It is not something that happens overnight. When your periods finally stop (and they can come and go for a while) you are supposed to use contraception until you have been period free for 2 years (or 1 if over 50) Contraceptive choice becomes limited due to age and menopause symtoms.

The happiest people seem to be those whose OH has already had a vasectomy, or those who are happy with Mirena and can use a bit of extra oestrogen gel/patch with it.

EdithWeston · 24/10/2014 16:29

"So its fine for women to suffer mood swings, hideously painful periods, migraine, depression, an increased risk of breast cancer, but anything with any risk must be immediately dismissed for men? "

Bit of a straw man? I don't think anyone has said that.

What they are saying is "his body his choice", and I would champion "her body her choice" just as firmly, whether reasons to reject tubal ligation were good, bad, inadequate or weird. No one, of either sex, should be forced or pressured into unwanted surgery by their spouse.

Titsalinabumsquash · 24/10/2014 16:38

I love how people will go on about women's rights to decide what happens to their body at all times (as they should do!) but when it comes to a man wanting the same, he's selfish. Wink
Double standards are alive and well for some it would seem.

Fwiw. I'm planning on getting sterilised during the birth of my fourth and final child in May, DP isn't sure he's done having children but I very much am so I am choosing to prevent it.

carlsonrichards · 24/10/2014 16:41

So he envisions a time when he might dump you to get another child then? Sounds like a terrific relationship Hmm

SirChenjin · 24/10/2014 16:41

DH had the snip after a surprise DC3 - best thing he/we ever did. I'm with Ali on this - DH saw it as 'his turn' after years of the pill for me and 4 pregnancies. I can understand not wanting to have surgery if there is a good reason why you shouldn't have it. I cannot understand not wanting surgery when there is no other reason than you would feel less of a man.

In this case, the only 2 solutions are to abstain or continue with condoms. Neither are ideal.

Titsalinabumsquash · 24/10/2014 16:53

I don't see it as him thinking about one day dumping me to have more kids, no.

If after this baby I fell pregnant, he'd be ok with it, he loves children and a big family, he wouldn't request we purposely have anymore but he'd gladly welcome any surprise babies.
He's not making the decision to stop having children, but I am so it's up to me to see to that.

If however something ever happened to me or if our relationship did break down then why shouldn't he have more children with a new partner if that's what they wanted?

KidLorneRoll · 24/10/2014 17:02

You absolutely cannot force someone to have a medical procedure - which doesn't come without risk - if they don't want to.

If, after (preferably) an adult discussion about it, the bloke doesn't want to do it - for whatever reason - that's his choice, and you just have to work around it.

YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 17:16

Yy Ali.

Look, agree you can't make him do this - but many contraceptive methods used by women also impact their health and increase disease risks - breast cancer, depression etc links to the pill and the coil.

I think it's because this is a one off procedure and hormonal methods are ongoing that the risks for hormonal methods get minimised.

Can you stick with barrier methods - condom or diaphragm?

SuchSweetSorrow · 24/10/2014 17:18

I want my DH to have it done. He thinks it's the best option so has agreed but isn't overly thrilled. BUT he of course acknowledges that I had a difficult pregnancy with twins (hyperemisis for the whole of the pregnancy) and the pain that comes with having a huge twin bump and recovery from a bloody painful emergency c-section. I also had the contraceptive implant previously for years, which I will not be doing again.

I have done my bit in my opinion.

SuchSweetSorrow · 24/10/2014 17:20

Also, he really does not want anymore children. He is very certain on that, unless I was desperate for another (I'm not).

YonicScrewdriver · 24/10/2014 17:23

Titsalina, I don't think it's selfish per se, responsibility for contraception is heavily skewed towards women.

When the male pill finally arrives, if a woman takes the Pill for 10 years, is it selfish for her to ask her DH todo the next ten years (or vice versa)?

vodkanchocolate · 24/10/2014 17:30

Hello, I am in the same position!! Neither of us want surgical both both know we do not want anymore children 5 is enough Grin. We dont like condoms and always avoided them if we can.
Cerezette is the only one that I dont have a reaction to from what ive tried but also the one that has failed on me twice!!!

After birth of my youngest I tried injection which also didnt really take to so went back to cerezette but the thought of getting caught again was very daunting. I had always been against having a coil but my periods had got very irratic so for that reason I recently had coil fitted. Its taken a bit of the stress of it away for a bit but im not sure about after. I am open to get sterilised as a last resort but would rather not. Would love my husband to take the initiative to get the snip but I cant see it happening, I wont be pressuring him though

AskYourselfWhy · 24/10/2014 17:50

I know being sterilised is surgery but it's so quick and, for me at least, so painless that it really isn't worth agonising over.

I'm sure there must be some people for whom it doesn't go as well but its a very minor op.

Graining · 24/10/2014 18:03

We had a deal that I would have 2 babies, DH would have the snip.

When it came to it he was petrified, so I got sterilized. He's a wuss and I'm tough.

Nothing more to say really.

scaevola · 24/10/2014 18:06

"but its a very minor op"

It's often (but not invariably) done under local, but (according to NHS pages) has a 10% chance of the serious complications. And, the bit that I find most worrying, if it goes wrong there are no treatments available (unless you can self-fund a reversal, and that doesn't necessarily relieve chronic pain).