DH refusing to have the snip

[snipsnipsnippysnip]

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

Bear in mind that some studies have shown vasectomies to increase Prostate Cancer. Perhaps he doesn't want that risk?

his body his choice.

my husband had this done last week. He is in a lot of pain a week later. you cannot and should not assume that this is an "easy" option. I only know one other person who had this done and he also suffered a lot of pain.

additionally my DH was all for having the OP but even he came out of his pre-Op with serious reservations as the Dr did a good job of making him think through all of the consequences of going through a permanent change and operation. He was quite angry with me when I criticised a friend's DH for refusing to have a vasectomy and I actually now accept that I was being unreasonable.

I do think you need to change your mindset on this on OP, it comes across that you are completly pressurizing him to get the procedure done. Fwiw this is not something i woukd ask my husband to do ever. If it was me who who was concerned about accidents etc and i didnt like using the form of contraception then i would have the procedure myself. Sod the carrying children bit as other posters have said we are the only ones that can do that anyhoo. Even as a team marriage effort, its his body and his bits it really is up to him what he ultimatley chooses to do.

I'm in the same boat a bit.

Unexpectedly pregnant with DC3...I always said I wanted five but not even eight weeks into this pregnancy I feel well and truly done. I am willing (eager really) to adopt in the future but I don't want to be pregnant again. Ever.

He is saying he doesn't want the snip. He has his reasons. I'm irritated, but...I can't force him can I.

Sapat For me it was because I didn't want any more children. I am allergic to latex, so can't use condoms*. Do not want to take the pill for ever, Mirena coil caused shocking side effects & gave me an infection. Dr dismissed other hormonal contraction based on past experiences.

*I live in Australia where it seems latex free condoms are as rare as hens teeth. Before being sterilized I looked in (& asked staff) lots of pharmacies, over 20 in my immediate area for latex free condoms. Was told the same thing "they aren't popular and we can only buy in bulk, so unless you want 400, we can't help" I tried adult stops, supermarkets, sexual health clinics! I even tried online.

Nothing.

I get "his body, his choice" but the consequences go to you in form of pregnancy and potentially, a termination. So it's not clear cut.

It's his choice but it's fairly selfish to make it solely based on his emotional attachment to being a "real man".

It's fairly selfish of the op to expect her dh to have it done though. It's not a tit for tat thing, at least, it isn't in my marriage. And I have been through an unexpected pregnancy & termination. Still, I didn't think it was fair to force my dh into having it done.

You could also say it would be fairly selfish of op not have it done too.

It's up to him but I think it's a good idea to go to the doctor together and discuss the options. I understand that it's not a simple issue. I can't use hormonal contraceptives and can't stand the heavy periods with a coil. I'm also wondering what to do. My dh has probably spent 0 seconds worrying about contraception since we've been married, so it's not fair if that's the way you look at it, but I wouldn't ask him to have surgery if he didn't want to. Actually I'm quite sure he wouldn't want to at all so I've never even thought of suggesting it. Maybe we should discuss it!

My dh had the snip about ten years ago with no side effect (in fact I know quite a few men who have had it done and none have said they had any issues). Having said that he would get it done shortly after dd (our second) was born he then pissed about for a couple of years and I found it quite stressful. It certainly didn't do our sex life any favours.

For me the rationale for the guy taking the action isn't so much to do with pregnancy and birth but more to do with the fact that in the majority of relationships the woman is expected to take the birth control with all the side effects that entails. To me then it seems fair that when there is an equal choice between male and female sterilisation it is time for the guy to step forward.

I do understand where you're coming from OP. Excluding pregnancy, I've been on hormonal contraceptives since I was a teenager. I don't trust condoms. The prospect of having my emotions messed up by artificial hormones until menopause is depressing. We BOTH agree we don't want another child right now, so why is it always my body on the line? I'd love it to be DH's turn to take responsibility and put up with crappy side effects.

But at the end of the day, its his choice, no matter how frivolous the reasons.

Have you tried any other hormonal options? The pill sends me mental as well, but i've found both nuvaring and mirena to be much more manageable.

Hopefully they'll come up with a male contraceptive (other than condoms) soon.

I see al the 'his body his choice' comments and I agree. I also agree with the women whose choice is to not get pregnant and not use hormonal contraception. As I surmise most of them have up till now been 'in charge' of contraception maybe it's time their menfolk stepped up to the plate.

OP I am actually with you on this one. Luckily my DH came up with the idea before I did - I too can't have hormonal contraception and let's face it condoms are fecking horrible.

It was very minor 'surgery' done at the GPs not hospital and DH was back on the rugby pitch the following week!

It has done absolute wonders for our sex life.

To the person who said 'it's akin to mutilation' you are uninformed, ignorant and disrespectful.

I can understand OP's feelings, but I do feel very strongly that it would be wrong to force or emotionally blackmail a man into having a vasectomy if he doesn't want one, just as it would be wrong to pressure a woman into getting sterilizing against her will, no matter how much the decision might make sense from a purely logical point of view.

The reason he's given isn't the best one, but I think that when it comes down to it, even "because I don't want to" would be a good enough reason. It might be a relatively minor operation, but it can have serious unwanted side effects if you're unlucky.

Having said that, the suggestion for both of you to go and talk options through with a GP sounds like a good one. It may be that your DH has some other underlying worries about the operation that could be cleared up with discussion. But if he still doesn't wasn't to have a vasectomy after that, then you'll just have to stick with the condoms.

My husband feels the same and in his case it's code for being frightened. I understand and respect that and would never emotionally pressure him to feel differently. My DH is a lovely bloke and for him to say this would mean he really has a problem so I'd never coerce him or belittle his feelings, I'd certainly never get angry and I struggle how anyone could feel that way about somebody they love and respect

We have always gone to the GP together to discuss contraception and I now have a mirena coil which he also came to the appointment for. I know some don't get on with the mirena coil but it's been perfect for us. No dreadful moodswings as I had with even the mini pill (it was a long period of trial and error to discount the various pills) and no periods either. It'll last me 7 years for contraception so one change of this and I should then be into my menopause.

It is nothing what so ever to do with stepping up!

Male sterilisation can have devastating effects. One guy on here has told how he had to have further ops & is still in a lot of pain sometime on.

Many people assume it is easy, without side effects, but it isn't! He needs to be 100% aware of all the post op issues & happy to take those risks.

I read of one man who cannot have sex anymore, as getting an erection is excruciatingly painful.

So no, he shouldn't have to 'step up' if he doesn't want to.

It is ultimately his choice but he is definitely being unreasonable IMO.

Why is it ok for the op's DH to say no to a vacectomy but not reasonable for her to say no to sex to avoid an unwanted pg?

The analogy with pg and childbirth isn't irrelevant at all. If we had married and I had changed my mind and said I didn't want children because I didn't want to put my body through it, he would have been perfectly entitled to say it was a deal breaker and walk away. Nobody would be saying to him that it was my body and he should just accept my decision. He couldn't force me but nobody would be telling him that if he loved me he should just find another way to be happy.

And yes, occasionally men do suffer side affects, even long term side affects but they are rare. Pregnancy and childbirth can cause both short and long term side affects too. You don't hear many people use that as a why all women should avoid it.

Who said it is unreasonable to say "no" to sex? ultimately if this is not being done manipulatively to force his hand then abstinence is a perfectly reasonable form of contraception to consider. my friends DH has said that he is quite willing to consider this or condoms.

it does not matter how many anecdotes there are of people who have had no problems. there are also anecdotes of situations where problems HAVE arisen and more importantly there are statistics. And where it does go wrong it can be a huge problem. The risks should not be dismissed just because they only crystallize for some. Even in our case where there seems to be a minor problem it has cost us nearly £1k in lost earnings and probably spoilt our planned half term break. We (I) was far too blase about this procedure.

I'm not dismissing the fact that some men have problems. I'm just saying that pg and childbirth also cause many long term affects yet it's rare for people to say don't do it, I know someone who lost bladder control/is mentally traumatised/stitches didn't heal properly etc.

Oh and a pp did suggest it was selfish and unreasonable to abstain.

And no-one would suggest that a woman who was afraid of pregnancy or childbirth should be forced into it or ridiculed for not wanting to go through it.

sorry x-posted. missed that. I agree of it (abstinence) is a tool to manipulate and pressurised. Not if it is a genuine option or even the logical result of no other options being agreeable.

No but if she posted saying she thought she'd lose her body and identity posters would be saying it's your choice but... Very few people would post saying, it's not a simple option all these horrible things can go wrong. Find another way to be happy oh and your DH should just accept your decision if he loves you.
I just think people are aware there's risks involved but they know most women are fine and the benefits are many. I see a vacectomy the same way. If my DH refused and I found myself pg I would have a termination and that would be the end of my marriage.

In the same positon here, I was properly annoyed as I did see it as unfair given all things I've been through but when I read about the 10% chance of long term negative consequences I accepted it - that wasn't dh's reason but I wouldn't have an operation with that failure rate if it were avoidable. I do think slightly less of him though, if I'm honest, his reason is that he just doesn't want to do it, probably scared and I just have to accept it. I'm terrified of having a dc3 though, we could never cope...

My husband has had the snip, I don't want kids at all and I see him as more of a man not less of one for taking charge of the contraception as like you I do not want to take the pill, as I don't agree with sticking false hormones in my body.

I haunt these boards I'm afraid. DH had a terrible experience with his.
Knowing what I know now, I would never pressurize any one to have one.

I would agree that your DH's reasons sound ridiculous and that would annoy me, but you have to think, 'if I do pressurize him and it goes wrong' - what then?

Threads not boards! Doh.