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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

257 replies

snipsnipsnippysnip · 22/10/2014 17:53

We have decided we don't want any more children and so need contraception. We currently use condoms which are OK, but I prefer without (and DH has admitted that he does too). So I would like another solution. I can't take the pill (sends me rather hyper and emotional), which means I don't fancy any of the hormone enhanced/ based products. I have very heavy periods so the traditional coil is no good either.
I have had 2 very medical pregnancies and although I know I could be sterilised, I feel that as this is a bigger operation for a woman it would make sense for DH to have a vasectomy.
The problem is he doesn't want one. I understand he is an adult, free thinking and his own person, but as much as I know this must be his choice it is royally pissing me off.
His only reason is he feels like he would be less of a man, which OK I understand, but frankly I think he should just find a way to get his head round this.
He is quite sure he doesn't want another child (with or without me!) and apart from this we are very happy.
I suppose I see us as a team and on this front he's not doing his bit. I didn't want to do all the medical crap to have our children, but I did it as it was the only option (I know he couldn't exactly put his hand up). I feel that I don't want yet another procedure, I've done my bit, now it's his turn.

Help me get my head around it because now every time we DTD I feel really cross.
I should add I've talked to him about this 3 times in 3 years and feel like I've given him space to think although last time it ended in a big row.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/10/2014 11:33

Neverknowingly, yes, DH and I had laughed at a friend's DH who refused. We both thought he was a selfish twat.

We don't think that now.

If your DP is still in pain, has he ruled out an infection? If not, tell him to get back to the GP pronto.

Shedding · 23/10/2014 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gen35 · 23/10/2014 12:15

Is anyone else surprised that the serious consequence rate of 10% is so high for something so many men have done? No idea how it compares to other operations but seems like something that should have been improved upon...

Original poster
snipsnipsnippysnip · 23/10/2014 12:18

Thanks all, it has def helped me calm my reaction to read all your responses and experiences.

OP posts:
30somethingm · 23/10/2014 12:18

I have been thinking about having the snip (came to a conclusion about children a month or so ago), although I am single.

I am less worried by the reported short term side effects than by the mixed reports of increased atherosclerosis which leads to heart disease, as well as the increased risk of Prostate Cancer. I am struggling to understand how the Prostate is affected by the snip, given that semen will still be produced from it, albeit never to mix with sperm?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/10/2014 12:19

My DH nearly fell over at a wedding when another guest [a GP] mentioned he was heading off to have the snip a few days later. His wife was at home with newborn DC3. I think it was the casualness of it that really threw him, as though he was just off to the dentist for a filling.

It's really tricky. I haven't asked DH as he is under 40 and has a history of prostate cancer in the family. There appears to be a small correlation between the snip under 40, and an aggressive form of the cancer. Once he turns 40, if the menopause is no-where in sight for me, I'm happy to ask though. It's not the condoms, but the risk of failure that completely kills DTD for me.

It sounds fairly simple in that you both have to just deal with the condoms if the alternatives are not viable for either of you. I guess it really comes down to what happens if there is an unwanted pregnancy and the risks to you and the baby. If they are high, then I would say HIB quite U not to have the snip. If it would be medicalised but low risk and a third child would not be the end of the world for you as a family, then carry on as you are.

Neverknowingly · 23/10/2014 17:16

John he is actually off to the docs now. I feel quite guilty. he did this in part because I did not want the copper coil again (hormone free option for women) No particular reasons as I had no problems with it - just seemed like the time for a more permanent solution. In retrospect I wish I had just had it!

Glad this has helped snip. Your DH's reasons may sound a little foolish but they may well be masking some more serious worries and I expect that only good can come from perhaps having some sympathy/understanding of those in your discussions.

DistanceCall · 23/10/2014 17:44

Have you considered using a diaphragm? It's what I use on a regular basis, and find it much easier and convenient than other methods. When I lived in England, you could get it for free from the NHS.

arsenaltilidie · 23/10/2014 18:03

Advice to your partner is to dump you.

You cannot force someone to undergo surgery.

What about if you break up and his next GF want to have children.

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 18:09

Yes, because it's so healthy to live for when you find another bit of a one to procreate with. Hmm

Original poster
snipsnipsnippysnip · 23/10/2014 18:25

arse you've missed your calling, you are lucid, clear thinking and can clearly read.

OP posts:
minipie · 23/10/2014 18:39

Reading with interest. I am pg with DC number 2 and final. We both really dislike condoms. I don't want to be on hormonal contraceptive for another decade or so (having already been on it since 18)given the side effects/cancer risks etc. I have always assumed the snip was the obvious post DC answer.

however I must admit that (much like the OP) I wasn't aware of the risk of side effects for the man. I will have to do some more reading.

Does anyone know, is the skill of the surgeon relevant, i.e. can you reduce the risk of side effects by going private to a top surgeon?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/10/2014 19:07

I think, if it's an option, getting it done in hospital with people who perform surgery all the time might be better than having it done at the GP's who are just doing it to 'keep their hand in'.

I think there are two different methods: If there's an option, I'd go for lazer.

Neverknowingly, hope DH came back from Docs happier. It's tough isn't it... I'm now quite anti all non necessary invasive surgery as you can imagine.

minipie · 23/10/2014 19:10

GPs do this? Shock Good lord I would never have thought that. It's surgery surely?! Well that might explain the statistics (I know I'm jumping to conclusions but am just really surprised).

MrsHathaway · 23/10/2014 19:15

The GP who did DH's snip did so in a little theatre above the surgery. He does six or seven a week. He doesn't do the more complicated ones, but by golly he does a lot of routine snips.

minipie · 23/10/2014 19:27

interesting MrsH... more research required I think...

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/10/2014 19:45

NancyJones

"And yes, occasionally men do suffer side affects, even long term side affects but they are rare."

1 in 10 isn't rare.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 19:49

My DH won't either and I would not DREAM of making him. How could I? It's not on. It's his body.

We use the rhythm method. At my age (42) I know my ovulation the moment it happens. We are very careful and it has worked for us for 6 years now.

AskYourselfWhy · 23/10/2014 20:01

His reasoning is shite but it's up to him. My DH was nervous about having it done and it was tricky to schedule it in due to his heavy workload so I had my tubes tied. I loved the fact it was instantaneous!

I was knocked out for 15 mins, the keyhole surgery took 7 mins and it hardly hurt. I think they gave me painkillers at the time but I didn't need to take anymore. I was home a few hour later. It was so easy.

I am always a bit Confused at people who think that 'the men' should do it because 'the women' do childbirth. I find that is a silly approach. You should be doing what is best for both of you and you should be working as a team. Iykwim
I loved the fact that we could immediately stop using contraception.

DollStar · 23/10/2014 20:16

I agree with ask. It's easy for a woman to have it done - there are studies that show it can cause early prostate cancer if the guy is predisposed to it. I had it done as I wanted to take charge of my own fertility.

It's not a 'tit for tat' scenario.

AskYourselfWhy · 23/10/2014 20:36

One plus for me having it done rather than my DH was that my DH was extremely grateful Wink.

I think other people can find it more painful but for me it just felt like period pain for a day or so.

Original poster
snipsnipsnippysnip · 23/10/2014 20:47

I'm now just debating having beater my bad temper...

but hang on early menopause has been linked to female sterilisation, that is also linked to lots of health issues.

Oh bugger, perhaps we'll get a 'rabbit' and a rubber doll Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
snipsnipsnippysnip · 23/10/2014 20:47

Beaten not beater!

OP posts:
30somethingm · 24/10/2014 12:14

I have read more on the Prostate Cancer risk.

Vasectomies increase the chance of lethal, aggressive Prostate Cancer, but they have no proven effect on the likelihood of developing the low grade version of the disease.

Hopefully RISUG gets some more testing, as the temporary blocking of the Vas Deferens would definitely be preferable, as one could unblock once one's partner is past her fertility window.

Aussiemum78 · 24/10/2014 12:20

And the pill increases the risk of breast cancer....