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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 19/10/2014 18:40

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 28/10/2014 11:46

Hmm spoke to Rottie, she hasn't heard from him. Also I can see he hasn't used his bank card since Friday. Plan is to call Rottie on Thursday afternoon to talk next steps and I have updated my PO again.

I didn't know what to say when Rottie said she hadn't heard from him so I said, oh that's good I suppose, and she said 'is it?'

My mum thinks this is tactics again from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 28/10/2014 11:47

Thanks everyone by the way Thanks

OP posts:
whatdoesittake48 · 28/10/2014 11:49

Dont forget that some weekend transactions don't show up til Monday. Butcheckthe account to make sure he isisn't transferring money out.

BeyondPreparedForHell · 28/10/2014 12:05

I'm concerned that someone has advised him to change the locks, batten down the hatches and stay put. Where would that leave you then?

Although even if he did do that, at least it would make his lack of concern about the girls crystal clear. Silver lining :)

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2014 12:09

Could he have gone on a 'woe is me' bender over the weekend? Your mum may be right, perhaps he thinks if he goes silent you'll contact him to see what he's doing.

I agree with keeping an eye on the bank account.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 28/10/2014 12:15

Hmm not sure. I think if he had gone on a bender I would have seen it in the bank statements - same with paying to see a solicitor?

You might be right Beyond Confused

OP posts:
Ilovefluffysheep · 28/10/2014 12:18

Thats what I said about a Plan B name - you need to discuss with Rottie exactly where you stand if he decides not to leave the address in 7 days. I know you said you were going to take your Dad home with you, but after being no contact all this time, the last thing you need is to turn up home only to find twatchops there. Even if he does then leave, I think the contact will be constant like last time, as he will think that as he managed to "persuade" you to let him home last time, it will be the same this time.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 28/10/2014 12:28

Yes agreed Fluffy, thank you Thanks Rottie has all the stuff she needs to do the orders on him so I think that would be her next step - I think she might also phone him maybe. I don't know.

I will just stay here next week as well if that's what it takes - the last thing I want is to see him - I will also ask for police presence on returning as well Confused

OP posts:
Itsfab · 28/10/2014 12:37

You have changed your whole mind set and know you do not have to jump to his tune. He however is a bit behind and still thinks he is the boss. Therefore, imo, he could quite easily have decided to do and say nothing to see if you panic and worry and phone him, negating the instructions from the solicitor...

If there is any chance at all he could have harmed himself then you should alert someone.

You can not live in limbo so you do need to discuss with your solicitor what the next step will be should he not make contact with her.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 28/10/2014 12:48

Yes thanks Itsfab - I think I would have been contacted by now by one of his family if they couldn't get through to him.

I'm going to try and ignore it. I'm scheduled to call Rottie again on Thursday afternoon to talk next steps.

OP posts:
augustusglupe · 28/10/2014 12:55

Hi Name, haven't posted for a bit, but just wanted to say that knowing his previous form I agree that he could just be ignoring everything, carrying on as normal and just thinks you'll be back after half term and he will work on you and talk you round. I mean maybe not, but whatever he's doing, it will definitely all be part of a plan in his head. He knew he was meant to react to Rotties letter and so did nothing.
From what you have said about his job and the reaction to the divorce papers, he thinks he is God and has no respect for authority atall and just does what he wants. I even find the staying out all night really odd!
I really just expect he's disregarded Rotties letter and is carrying on as normal.

augustusglupe · 28/10/2014 12:59

Just realised I've repeated myself a lot but you get the gist Grin

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 28/10/2014 13:17

I do get the gist thanks Augustus! Grin
Right I feel a bit better now - I was nervous for a bit there - still am a little but I've got Rottie and the police - I'll be alright whatever happens Thanks

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 28/10/2014 13:38

I expect he phoned his own solicitor on Mon morning and was told not to do anything until they had looked into things & seen the paperwork. So he might just be waiting to see his solicitor before he contacts Rottie. Or is that too normal a response for Twatchops?

Persephonepool · 28/10/2014 13:52

If he has any sense he would have contacted a solicitor who will tell him he is being divorced by default if he does nothing. He may be doing something he may not. Who knows?
If you hear nothing by the weekend I would be very careful about going back to the house. Stay put until you know you will be safe.

Fontella · 28/10/2014 14:05

*Hmm spoke to Rottie, she hasn't heard from him. Also I can see he hasn't used his bank card since Friday. Plan is to call Rottie on Thursday afternoon to talk next steps and I have updated my PO again.

I didn't know what to say when Rottie said she hadn't heard from him so I said, oh that's good I suppose, and she said 'is it?'

My mum thinks this is tactics again from him.*

He hasn't exactly had a lot of time to contact her though has he? He only got the letter Friday - difficult to appoint/see a solicitor over the weekend. Then you said she was off yesterday anyway.

Even if he was able to see a solicitor yesterday (but he'd have to find one who was willing to see him same day), it's going to take time for him/his solicitor to formulate a response, and that letter made it absolutely clear he wasn't to attempt to contact you direct.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 28/10/2014 14:15

Good point Font - although she did ask him at the end of the letter to contact her to let her know what he was doing. I don't think I C&p that bit on here last night.

Thank you Persephone, yes I won't be going back until I know I'm safe.

Thanks shelby, that would be a dream scenario but yeah probably too sensible for H!

Right me and the girls are off to my friends for the night - I'll be back on a bit later!

Thanks
OP posts:
JuxtheDaemonVampire · 28/10/2014 15:16

Have a good time, Name. You need a decent break.

I think he's just ignoring atm, but I don't think Rottie will allow him to do that for long.

tribpot · 28/10/2014 15:34

Suspect the lack of activity is intended to make you worry he's done something foolish. Ignore.

FantasticButtocks · 28/10/2014 17:15

As that's the friend he hates, beware of him thinking you are there and turning up or watching her house...

FantasticButtocks · 28/10/2014 17:19

Not meaning to panic but as he doesn't know where your parents have moved to and he thinks your friend is a bad influence...he may just assume you are hiding out at hers, so be careful.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/10/2014 17:32

I would like to reinforce what fluffysheep said about a Plan B, and maybe a Plan C and D as well.
It may be that he will not cooperate at all, perhaps an attempt to become completely invisible to you (along the lines of black and white thinking).
Or some sort of extreme and distorted interpretation of "do not contact you" to include anyone associated with you (including Rotty)?...That's what you asked for, that's what you get...however redefined by him.

A Plan B may involve evicting him from the family home.

A Plan C could be to rely on your folks for a longer term to be able to establish a place of your own. Be open to things like it being a possibility of you never returning to the family home (except to retrieve personal belongings) and the girls changing school again (they can adapt to the new normal).

Think about what you could do without getting anything from Twatchops as a worse case scenario...Plan D.

At the end of the day, imho, I would fall on the side of being very pleased with the silence, rather than be bothered by it.
FlowersBrew

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 28/10/2014 17:32

Is it possible to prove he's received the letter? Was it sent in hard copy as well as email?

Fontella · 28/10/2014 18:04

Good point Font - although she did ask him at the end of the letter to contact her to let her know what he was doing.

But how could he contact her? Was she there over the weekend? You told us she wasn't there Monday, and it's only Tuesday now.

He got the letter Friday - he might have got a solicitor's appointment yesterday (Monday), but I doubt it, unless he found one that was willing to see him same day.

I'm not defending the bloke, but he gets a letter on a Friday and because he hasn't responded by Tuesday, everyone is saying it's a tactic, or he's deliberately ignoring.

Given what was in that letter .. he knows the only way he can communicate is via solicitors so he's got to find one, have an appointment, formulate a response, get a letter written and emailed or posted. He might not have even got a solicitor's appointment, let alone anything else.

You've been planning this for weeks - having consultations and appointments and so on - he got the letter out of the blue on Friday. Taking the weekend out of the equation - that's a couple of 'working' days only since the letter was delivered. You don't even know when he actually read it. Could have been late Friday, Saturday morning - who knows?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2014 18:09

You've probably already thought of this, but have you considered what you'll do with the girls when you return to the house. I mean, it's probably better that they NOT be with you until you & Dad know that the coast is clear.