New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

[thenamehaschanged]

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

Weird is right. Can I ask Name - does this bloke have any friends - close platonic friends that is? People who like him, as a mate?

it's just that my ex (who I've mentioned before reminds me so much of your H) had no proper friends. Business acquaintances yes, close family, and family friends (who were sort of his friends by default, but no actual close mates he'd talk to, hang out with, share social activities etc with. He knew a lot of people, and had a 'close' family (although they were all fucking weird as well!), but no best buddy or even a few 'mates'.

well yes and no Font - he is the same in that he has loads of business acquaintances and is well thought of through work, and his family are also very close and fucking weird! We didn't have mates though as a couple - any we did have were through me.

He does have a few close mates though but they are from childhood and all live back where he comes from that he sees occasionally but they're not real in the sense that what H projects to everyone, even them and his family is a false image.

H doesn't actually like anybody, or himself. He feels a duty to his family I suppose, and to their family friends - but anyone else is just there to be used for his own gain.

Yes agreed Twink!

And it's those close mates of his from childhood who have all used prostitutes, are all narcissistic, cheating bastards with strings of failed marriages and relationships behind them. His 'Best' Friend is an utter twunt.

but anyone else is just there to be used for his own gain

Oh wow - bloody hell - I could have written that. That is exactly like my ex - everyone (including me) had a use, a purpose.

From the moment you first started posting here - all those threads ago I could see the similarities.

Let me tell you Name - 10 years on I don't have a single regret about getting shot of the fucker. It's been tough financially yes, but other than that, life without him is a thousand times better than it ever was with him and it will be the same for you and your girls I promise!

Thank you Font!! I remember your posts about No Contact and that's where I am at the moment.

Feel like I just want to know what's going on today, I guess because the weekend's over - but certainly not that I actually want to talk to him, no way!!

And that fact, that they are all the same these men - with their using of people and projected false images is just mind blowing really!

Utter fucking freakshows, the lot of them!

Yep .. from the moment I decided to get rid, I never spoke a direct word with him again (that's face to face or by phone) and haven't in 10 years.

Wow! you have my respect Font - a lady who knows her mind!

I knew about the past midnight call but meant not calling all evening or to have said he'd be out compared to his propensity to call name throughout the day... suggests something to hide on his part. And whatever it was he may think name found out!

Wow! you have my respect Font - a lady who knows her mind!

I knew it was the only way I'd ever get free of him. He was the most mind bending manipulative arsehole and my confidence was absolutely shot to hell. Like you I'd try to assert myself and 'fight back' from inside the relationship, but it would always be twisted and manipulated and events rewritten and spun to the point where I didn't know if I was on my arse or on my elbow most of the time. He just wore me away until I was a shadow of the woman I had been when I met him. I thought he was unique .. until I saw your thread!

When I read your post about the morning you made your getaway, getting the hamsters in the car, looking up and down the road, expecting the hand on the shoulder ... I remember that feeling so well. Just the panic and fear they engender. Someone only had to knock on the front door, or the telephone ring and I'd jump six feet in the air. My nerves were shot to hell.

I knew the only way was to pull up the drawbridge - ensure that there was absolutely no way he could 'get' to me, either directly or via other people. Numbers changed, all lines of communication shut down apart from one email address reserved exclusively for him. I told everyone if any of them tried to pass on messages, or discuss him/our relationship etc. with me they'd get shown the door and they did. I just refused to discuss or engage, with him, or with anyone connected with him or any intermediaries.

He sent me letters and CDs and shit - I just slung them in the bin unopened. He tried pretending to be a business customer to get my phone number .. but luckily I twigged it was him. And emails, unless they related specifically to kids/money (first line in I could tell) - were sent to trash unread and unreplied to.

It's not as hard as you think tbh - just a refusal to engage. As soon as you start 'listening' and 'talking' you are back to square one again - and like you, I knew I couldn't go back there. I knew I wanted out, and this was the only way.

It worked and I've not clapped eyes on, or spoken a word to the fucker since! .

I still tend to think that he, as all bullies do when challenged, has slunk into a dark corner for now. That's not to say that he's going quietly, just that right now he's so stunned he doesn't know what to think. In his mind not only was he a 'perfect husband', but you were a woman who 'knew her place'. He's probably reeling between 'what the hell happened' and 'I KNEW she was planning something'. And if he has twunty mates, rest assured they are stoking the fires of his 'righteous anger'. Gag!

It's the silence that drives you mad, isn't it? You've made your definitive move by leaving, now all you can do is sit quietly until he makes his countermove. I know for me, after YEARS of always trying to gauge my ex's moods & read his facial expressions to determine my every action, when he was finally gone I think there was an extra element of anxiety for awhile. I couldn't figure out what he was going to do because he wasn't there to 'read' iyswim. But, I soon got over it!!

Feel like I just want to know what's going on today..

Please, please do not do this to yourself. As Fontella says, pull up the drawbridge and try to get yourself out of his orbit, mentally and emotionally.

You have to make a huge effort to consciously disengage.

The only things that have significance as far as his response goes is whether he has found a solicitor and whether he has drained your joint account. You are going to find out in due course.

What is on your own agenda for today matters.

It's the silence that drives you mad, isn't it? You've made your definitive move by leaving, now all you can do is sit quietly until he makes his countermove

That's what it is Pond thank you! Don't worry Mathanxiety there is absolutely no way in hell I would contact him and I haven't given him and how he might be feeling any thought at all - I'm just curious as to what happens next - it was more Rottie being off today that threw me because last night I was thinking, right Monday morning, new week, let's look at my phone finally and see what Rottie has to say.

Fontella thank you for that - this is what I'm going to do - absolutely no contact, none with his family and I don't want to hear about anything he is saying or doing.

How are your Haribo Hamsters doing, name?

haha the Haribo's are fine thanks Itsfab blissfully unaware of what they've been through!

Don't let the silence drive you mad, Name.

That is what I am driving at.

Ahh I know Mathanxiety thank you and absolutely noted!

Have you had a good day, today?

It's been a bit cold in our neck of the woods, and dh has been jumping up and down as the plumber was supposed to be here at 2 to fix our boiler. Luckily, the man arrived 20 minutes ago. Why is it not possible to find a Corgi plumber who actually comes? This chap is the 5th or 6th we've tried.

As it's half term, do you have some days out planned to stop you twiddling your thumbs waiting for developments? Also good for cementing relationships with your children (not that you need to, but a bit more never goes amiss).

Why is it not possible to find a Corgi plumber who actually comes?

Jux!! Don't tell me his name's Gregg haha

I've had a nice day thank you. Very relaxed, some reading and general chilling out. My DP's took the kids out for the day, tomorrow I'm taking the kids off for a night with 2 really good friends, one who I've mentioned earlier in my threads has been an amazing support - it was her texts to me that H read that time when he discovered I'd seen a solicitor and safe to say he made it very clear that I wasn't to see or speak to her anymore - it was actually her he was worried about me texting when he demanded my phone that time.

The kids are really happy, i'm relaxed...just bliss, utter bliss!!

So good to hear you are relaxing into yr new life

Thank you Mariposaazul

My mum's amazed he hasn't tried to call since Friday so I'm really hoping that he has sat up and took notice of Rottie's letter. I might copy and paste it here actually!

Ooooh please do!! But you may want to check with her first! Things like that (when they are good) tend to be cut and pasted all over the internet!! You don't want Rottie to see her letter copied over onto some other website!

Of course, you can always paraphrase.

Such as:

"You will refrain from any form of contact with my client. All communications must be through my office"

Paraphrase:

"Dude, just shut the fuck up, don't even think of contacting her!! If you want to wag your stupid tongue, you go through ME, bitch!"

Rottie's letter. I might copy and paste it here actually! I think we all realise Rottie is a woman with style - so it would be very interesting to read her letter and absorb a bit more of it! If you do paste it here, it might also provide a yardstick for others to measure the professionalism or ineptitude of any solicitor they engage for similar work and support.

Glad you and the children are having relaxing times after all the trauma of the getaway. I'm sure those hamsters will benefit from the change of atmosphere, even if they can't quite put it into words!!

Cross post with pond - I tend to forget we are open to the rest of the world, despite the support that has come in from all points of the compass! Good advice as usual