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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 19/10/2014 18:40

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

OP posts:
Earsareconstantlyringing · 23/10/2014 09:39

Go name, go name!

It's a little worrying that he's suddenly asking all these questions, but I'm guessing he must work with people who take half-term off to spend with their kids so it's on his radar.

Keep your wits about you. Just a few more hours...

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 23/10/2014 09:53

I know, thanks Bobtail, it threw me that he turned it around into suspicions about my motives and after he'd gone I wondered if I'm behaving transparently. I don't think so, but I was spurning his advances again last night and managed to get permission to head off to bed at 9.30pm (Wow!!) I was going to come on here from the safety of my room, but ended up crashing out instead!

Yep I'll just keep it all about finances when he calls.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 23/10/2014 09:57

Yes that is right Ears, he's been asked at work if he's taking it off which is why he brought it up - and he wants to as well - actually he probably should so that he can thoroughly clear all his shit out of here - don't know how he's going to transport it all though as I'll have the car with me. He'll have to switch on his brain and work it out for himself which will be tough for him.

No lemony, thankfully Sol 1 will have no more involvement from now. She lodged my original papers back in August and that was that!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 23/10/2014 10:17

are you going straight from school tomorrow Name?? Just hoping that it all goes OK and he doesnt get suspicious and take tomorrow off work.

Plans for Christmas sound like a good line to take regarding the time off- its perfectly reasonable and costs money, and its not that far away - have in mind something you might say you want to do/buy thats a bit special.

Do you have a plan for today in case he DOES take tomorrow off - he seems to have a habit of taking the odd day when his suspicions are raised - can you surreptitiously get stuff out of the house today/pack some emergency clothes and store them somewhere so that you can just go off and do the school run as normal should it all go awry? If you have a local train station they often have lockers that you could use to stash stuff, or would rotti/WA let you take stuff there today? I think you need to do as much today once he has gone to work as possible.

Perhaps you could fake a playdate after school tomorrow with a mum friend he doesnt like so there is no chance that he offers to come with you. mention it in passing today - something to celebrate the end of term? a really girly princess tea at their house or something similarly unappealing for him.

NettleTea · 23/10/2014 10:21

Also if you are out today if he calls, you could be at the doctors getting something for that terrible cystitis that you have gone down with - no wonder you have been feeling so awful the last few days. You can say the hospital are testing the sample and doctor will get back to you tomorrow to make sure they give you the right antibiotics before the weekend (I know Ive just had this - there are some infections which dont respond to the regular antibiotics so they need to wait for the tests to come back before they prescribe) That should keep him off your back tonight and explain the last few nights too......

brianbennettfan · 23/10/2014 10:25

Wishing you well again, name. It is bound to make you feel nervous when TC is acting all suspicious. Just hang on like grim death to your nerve lovely and take each hour as it comes. Really good idea to talk about money worries for Christmas, probably a conversation that is being had in countless households at the moment. Yes, keep your wits about you. Hope your departure tomorrow goes smoothly. GO NAME! GO NAME! GO NAME! Flowers

ZombiePartridge · 23/10/2014 10:30

Name, I have been catching up with your threads (saw the first one but life intervened and lost track) and am very, very impressed at your resolve and fortitude. I am now going to make a very odd-sounding suggestion.

Bake a cake this evening.

It's not the sort of thing that a person who's just about to leave would do, is it? You can say it's for a friend's celebratory half-term playdate (as nettle suggested) and faff about weighing stuff and washing up and generally dithering in the kitchen so you don't have to evade his clutches on the sofa - also, having a cake in the oven usually makes me twitchy and all 'is it done yet?' so might serve as a good excuse for twitchiness. Then tomorrow morning, you can get the butter/icing sugar/icing bags etc out on the counter (very visibly) so he can see them there before you take the girls to school. This will also work as a reason to be out today - you needed to do a supermarket run for ingredients.

Then, tomorrow afternoon, just before you leave to collect the girls from school, ice 'I AM DIVORCING YOU' onto the top of the cake.

Then leave.

You can forego the icing bit if you prefer and just take the cake with you to your parents' house for the girls to ice themselves while you have a cup of tea and a minor nervous breakdown Grin

Anyway. Just a thought!

Zazzles007 · 23/10/2014 10:35

Bake a cake this evening.

I love how everyone has gotten so creative in making suggestions so that Name can stay out of Twatty's clutches Grin.

Alicebannedit · 23/10/2014 10:49

And don't even think about doing all that washing up? Grin

Seriously though, I think nettles suggestion of being prepared to leave today if needs be is a good one.....

Still keeping everything crossed for a safe exit - unMN xxx

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 23/10/2014 10:55

Thanks Nettle, thanks Brian - brill ideas and tips there Nettle - think I'll do that - get the car ready, put a bag in the boot - he never uses the car in the week - I'm worried about tomorrow and if he takes the day off - I don't think so because I know he's got a lot on at work but he has done it in the past hasn't he.
The play date idea is a great idea if he's here - I'll just go then early, about 3 (they come out at 3.30) and I'll also make myself scarce in the day with '

Ooh mid posting there and he's just called - worried about us, he's so tired, he was going to make sure he was paid for the week off and maybe lose a week of his holiday allowance in place if it when he signs his contract in November! But most of all 'I don't want to lose my wife and family babe'

So I said 'I'm sorry I just get so worked up about finances especially with Christmas just round the corner, book some time off, you need a break blah blah blah'

Christ almighty!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 23/10/2014 11:00

Oh cross posts there sorry!!! Lol at the cake idea Zombie haha!!

I actually did that once when he had an annoying friend of his stay with us for about 4 weeks - he was insufferable and so I got right into baking to avoid him - even though he kept coming in the kitchen with offers to help haha 'right H's friend, get your pinny on, this cake is a 2 man job!!'

I'll have a think but it's looking likely he'll be at work tomorrow!

OP posts:
Losingmyreligion · 23/10/2014 11:03

Christ. Nickers and nighties and any meds in the car. You'll be at you mum's so can always wash and rewash clothes. Sorry but I wouldn't put it past him to check the boot, or if not that, your wardrobes. Nearly there. You're sure of your path. Spat coffee at the genius "I am divorcing you" icing suggestion.

Alicebannedit · 23/10/2014 11:07

Well name if you get drawn into a web of lies you just have to do the needful to beat the spider at its own game. Uncomfortable it may be, but you know now it's absolutely necessary for survival.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 23/10/2014 11:10

Haha I know Losing! Mmmm tuck in H!
Just thought - the bloody hamsters. If he was here tomorrow I couldn't carry two cages out past him plus all their gubbins that goes with them for this mysterious play date (actually pissing myself laughing manically as I typed that - the stress of this all lol!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 23/10/2014 11:12

Absolutely Alice, thank you - this is a very surreal moment in my life but one that countless women have been in - I may look like the most cold hearted scheming bitch but I don't care - I've gotta do what I've gotta do - end of!

OP posts:
Zazzles007 · 23/10/2014 11:15

I'm with Alice on this - its about survival Name, you do what you need to do. We are all behind you Thanks.

Outflewtheweb · 23/10/2014 11:17

Well, I have missed a lot (been on hols). You can't let the hamsters foil you now!

Ideas about the hamsters, people, come on! Can they be in the car already or would he notice they were gone?

Amazing progress, by the way. Gosh, you'll need a few stiff drinks when all this is over.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 23/10/2014 11:23

Ahh thanks Outflew!! Christ yes, I'll be hitting the wine full force at the safety of my mums tomorrow night!

I really don't think he'll be here tomorrow but I think if he was I might get myself 2 carry cases for them and just sneak them out leaving their cages behind - I can then buy everything again at bloody huge expense and then sell it all when I'm back!

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 23/10/2014 11:24

Well put it this way...in years to come if you were to say "I couldn't leave that day because of the hamsters" people would think you were bananas.

So at the risk of sounding like a cold hearted monster - if you have to leave them behind then thats what you have to do. And I say that as someone who once had a hamster (RIP Phoebe Trotter)

ZombiePartridge · 23/10/2014 11:27

A big tupperware container with holes bored in the lid and duct tape holding the lids on. That'll do for a short excursion in the car, plus they will fit in a reusable shopping bag.

Alternatively, do they have those exercise balls that go on the floor? Put them in one each - job's a good'un.

ALTERNATIVELY alternatively, find a friend who you can dump them on at short notice and promise her the moon and stars for doing you such a great favour - tell her you'll be away for half-term and don't really want them with you.

NettleTea · 23/10/2014 11:27

do the hamsters need their teeth filed?? I know we have degus and we have to get them snipped every so often. If so a trip to the vet after school run might do it?

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 23/10/2014 11:28

Kidney infection. Makes you feel like shit, exhausted, aching, but not life threatening or serious enough to need someone at home keeping an eye on you. Takes hospital tests to diagnose properly so a bit of a wait.

I agree that you need to find a safe place to stash some emergency supplies. Sleepover for one of the girls is a good excuse to pack a larger bag - my dd takes a week's worth of supplies Grin

Nearly there. KOKO but be careful.

Alicebannedit · 23/10/2014 11:28

name I left mine a long time ago, and the reason I gave was 'abuse by neglect'. I still stayed on for 2 yrs after I had said I was going and during that time he tried to be everything I had needed him to be, but it was too late by then because I was dead inside. Although the parting was fairly amicable in the end, when I left it did feel very surreal, as you say, and for several days afterwards I felt horrible, horrible, but later relaxed into an overwhelming sense of relief. My daughter a couple of years down the line said I had done the right thing.

NettleTea · 23/10/2014 11:29

or a friend who will come and collect them after you have gone and look after them til you come back.

but yes, the tupperware in a bag trick works with hamsters. It would probably even work with a cat if you needed.....

1FluffyJumper · 23/10/2014 11:33

. ...cat I a Tupperware box Shock