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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So my DP hit me tonight ...

312 replies

coolbeans · 18/10/2014 20:54

... And ain't that a kick in the head. Or the hip, which is where he punched me.

Sorry; gallows humour.

I do not even know why I am posting. It is the shock I think.

Our youngest was having a toddler meltdown and DP was busy complaining about how I was handling it. In a temper, I said: "You know so much, you should take him!", and thrust said child at him. He didn't catch him and ds fell. My partner punched me. Really hard. And then snarled at me that I should stay away or it would get worse.

we have been together 15 yrs.

I had an horrible childhood. It was all gymkhanas and public school on the outside and beatings and abuse behind closed doors. I had years of counselling and my therapist said one of my problems was that my thresholds were too high.

But being hit. that is one of my lines. I had years of it. I am not going there again. I have worked in DV. I know the script. If I don't walk away now, the likelihood is that it will happen again.

He hurt me. It fucking hurts. I don't understand how ths is my life. He is acting as though it is all of my own doing. Not a word of apology. The fucker.

Sorry for typos and incoherence - too much wine has been drunk to numb how unutterably awful this is,

OP posts:
MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 19/10/2014 00:10

Altinkum in all your pointing out what the OP has done, you've forgotten the part where he's the one that punched her and snarled at her that if she didn't back off, it'd get worse.

I'm sure you are supermum and have never done anything wrong, aren't you?

lornemalvo · 19/10/2014 00:10

I don't know why everyone is acting as though asking the OP about what she said she did in her original post, before she changed it to just setting him on a cushion, means condoning her DP punching her. We are all in agreement about the punch. No reasonable person could think the punch was okay. They need to change things in their relationship. They either need to end it or to seriously work on it and his violent behavior.

There is nothing wrong in pointing out that the OP should not throw her child. She maybe didn't but her first post reads as though she did. I got the impression she and her DP were both in a bad temper and both violent, he towards her and her towards her child.
The OP knows what really happened so if she accidentally typed that she thrust her child at her DP who failed to catch him and he fell on the ground when she meant to type she set him on a cushion then she will know this and will just take advice about her DP. If she did treat her child roughly she will maybe have a think about not doing this again. I would not think it nothing if my DH thrust my youngest at me in a temper and I didn't manage to catch her and she hit the ground. I would not punch him but I would be livid and I would expect him to realize it was not acceptable.
But anyway we all agree the DP has crossed a line that he cannot gloss over.

Altinkum · 19/10/2014 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClashCityRocker · 19/10/2014 00:12

And yes, I think beavingtons post is on the nail, in my humble opinion.

But, I also think that there were posters on the thread who were deliberately misconstruing what the OP said. I had to check I wasn't in AIBU for a moment.

beavington · 19/10/2014 00:12

Altinkum you are just being ridiculous. How can you predict what you will do when you are in total shock and a boundary has been crossed by the person you trusted most in the world.

NeolithicBiscuit · 19/10/2014 00:13

Hi, hope you are feeling a bit safer. This must be so hard to take in. I had something similar.. partner (15yrs and father of 3 our dc's) suddenly became furious with me if children complained about having hair brushed or squirmed when taking medicine etc....he suddenly seemed to think I was hurting them. One night he punched me hard on the upper arm ( result huge black and blue bruises). I was so shocked I didn't report and a bit like OP, I knew about DV and should have acted but couldn't believe it had happened. It wasn't being beaten up or being pulled around by the hair or anything you see on TV as DV so I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't tell friends either, feeling too embarrassed. It turned out to a big warning sign.... he was unhappy generally, and left soon after anyway. However,not registering the issue (or a couple of smaller ones that followed), meant that when we split up, I didn't qualify for legal aid so couldn't settle finances etc in court. But the most worrying thing is I have since had similar violence towards me from one of my children who witnessed the attack . Ex-partner has gone on to show occasional violence to new partner..all this from no previous history.

I would say to OP, try to tell a RL friend tomorrow so they can support and help you think through your next steps and even in a way to challenge you to to act if it is repeated. Otherwise you can end up almost accepting that it has happened without doing anything constructive about it. A friend who was once in a similar situation reported it straight away; her partner was interviewed by the police, they also had counselling, it has never happened again and they and family are still together. Whatever path you decide to take, please get some support, this isn't your fault.

Altinkum · 19/10/2014 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oakmaiden · 19/10/2014 00:14

But worra - the OP has NEVER said her son hit the floor? She said he ended up on a cushion?

rootypig · 19/10/2014 00:16

an upset child was thrust forward and hit the floor

you're just making it up now!!!!

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 19/10/2014 00:19

Agree with behaving ton and clash. Relieved that altinkum has gone.

Op is there any chance that you're still there? If so please take care of yourself and your lovely dc's hopefully tomorrow you will be in a better place to assess the whole situation. You have a working knowledge of dv so hopefully you will be aware of the support available to you even if you decide toe stay with DH.

I agree with others (and yourself) that his lack of remorse is concerning. Maybe he is in shock too? If you decide to leave it will be hard but there will be support there. If you decide to stay I think it is important that your DH recognises that what he did was not ok or justifiable, this may involve some therapy. It's early days but I'm sure you know that relate do family therapy that may also help your DC to voice their concerns.

The issue of "thrusting" your DS at DH Possibly requires exploration, only you know but in terms of prioritising I think it's more important to make sure you and the children are safe.

maras2 · 19/10/2014 00:22

altinkum and worra You are usually my most 'looked up to'posters.WTAF has gone on tonight that you both sound so unlike your usual selves? Sock puppetry perhaps? Mumsnet has been rather odd recently.Perhaps It's just me spoiling for a row but I'm not usually a fighty sort of person.Ah well tomorrow's another day.

sinequanon · 19/10/2014 00:22

Whatever you decide to do about this once your head is clearer, pls go to A&E to get your injury checked and recorded.

WorraLiberty · 19/10/2014 00:22

But, I also think that there were posters on the thread who were deliberately misconstruing what the OP said. I had to check I wasn't in AIBU for a moment.

Now that's something we do agree on! Smile

But I think I've read so much protection/bias/misconstrued posts on both sides of this debate, that I can only hope the OP can make sense of them all when she wakes up tomorrow.

There's a lot of food for thought here and I don't envy the OP for having to weed through all our opinions, and then deciding what she might think.

Either way I'm off to bed now, but I'm sure we can all agree that it's an awful situation all round. Toddler tantrums can bring out the worst kind of stress in everyone.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 19/10/2014 00:25

Altinkum

But she's the one drinking and she's the one in a temper and she's the one whose thrust her child to a adult and subsequently fell.

And he's the one who punched her, and warned her that she'd get worse if she didn't get away from him.

WorraLiberty · 19/10/2014 00:25

maras I have no idea what you're talking about...sock puppetry? Confused

But either way, I need to get to bed.

You might want to read my posts properly or you might already have done that and still come to that weird conclusion.

I don't know, that's up to you obviously.

Night all.

Glittermud · 19/10/2014 00:26

Quite right worra!

NeolithicBiscuit · 19/10/2014 00:35

Sorry for long post above, guess what is really striking a chord is your partner suddenly becoming critical of your parenting....all children are exhausting sometimes....any parent can get tired or ratty as a result but in a good relationship the other takes over. To be critical of your handling of the tantrum, then not take the child from you when you pass it, then punch you, then threaten you, shows that your partner is working against you, not with you. So his behaviour is violent, unreasonable, unpredictable. This is the big alarm bell here for me. Please act tomorrow if you can.

Altinkum · 19/10/2014 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lornemalvo · 19/10/2014 00:48

Did I miss the bit about the OP getting really drunk? I thought she said she just had some wine. I can't see what is wrong with that. A lot of people have a glass or two after their DCs go to bed. A little bit of wine does not make you drunk. Her DP has hit her. She can have a glass of wine if she wants.

PercyHorse · 19/10/2014 00:51

I can't believe that this is a MN thread. The victim blaming is vile.

Altinkum, read back through what you've posted. I would be ashamed to be you.

Lweji · 19/10/2014 00:54

Sorry for typos and incoherence - too much wine has been drunk to numb how unutterably awful this is,

Yes, it is awful, but some of us have managed to go through the awfulness without getting drunk.
And without thrusting tantruming children at our partners even though they were being arses.

OP, you need to make conscious decisions and that involves protecting yourself and your children (from your partner and from yourself).

He clearly doesn't give a shit about his children or his wife and should be removed from the family home.

NeolithicBiscuit · 19/10/2014 01:03

Forgive me I'd wrong but sounds as if Alt is posting from an objective position here.... but for the actual OP, this is her own partner, out of the blue, suddenly hitting her and takes some getting to grips with. And it does sound as if there was some stress already going on and adrenalin running high over the toddler tantrum. Even after being punched (and unhappy events in childhood), she probably cannot leap to see him as 'the abuser' and to feel she and her children are unsafe all in one night. She did not say it was a drunken row, just had some wine afterwards which I think is perfectly understandable, though obviously not to point of incapacity. If he continues to threaten tonight, she sounds sensible enough to leave if needed.

beavington · 19/10/2014 01:04

Fair enough altinkum, i dont know what youve been through and i apologise. I do think that judging by OPs history and the work she does in dv that she is probably behaving differently to how she ever imagined she would, because she is in a state of shock. I am more sympathetic because I imagine I would be the same (but hopefully will never have to find out for sure), just totally dumbfounded and finding it difficult to make a huge decision straight away. I dont think your posts are supporting or encouraging her to do what you think would be the right thing, but just lots of intimidating abuse.

Corabell · 19/10/2014 01:08

Altinkum, if you are so concerned about the children perhaps you shouldn't be so vile towards the OP and drive her from the thread and her source of support - which could help her PROTECT HER CHILDREN FROM WITNESSING DV EVER AGAIN.

OP, please get RL help and speak to woman's aid over the phone. You didn't deserve the punch and your own abuse in childhood may mean you have not noticed other red flags from your partner in the past.

NeolithicBiscuit · 19/10/2014 01:13

And I would guess that if the child landed on a cushion when it slipped during the handover, that it was done over a sofa or chair and though the op thrust the toddler at her partner to hold (as I'm certain we've all done), possibly the partner did not play his part in gripping the child quickly or firmly enough I am not making excuses but I just cannot imagine thrusting to mean throwing a child at someone.