So my DP hit me tonight ...

[coolbeans]

... And ain't that a kick in the head. Or the hip, which is where he punched me.

Sorry; gallows humour.

I do not even know why I am posting. It is the shock I think.

Our youngest was having a toddler meltdown and DP was busy complaining about how I was handling it. In a temper, I said: "You know so much, you should take him!", and thrust said child at him. He didn't catch him and ds fell. My partner punched me. Really hard. And then snarled at me that I should stay away or it would get worse.

we have been together 15 yrs.

I had an horrible childhood. It was all gymkhanas and public school on the outside and beatings and abuse behind closed doors. I had years of counselling and my therapist said one of my problems was that my thresholds were too high.

But being hit. that is one of my lines. I had years of it. I am not going there again. I have worked in DV. I know the script. If I don't walk away now, the likelihood is that it will happen again.

He hurt me. It fucking hurts. I don't understand how ths is my life. He is acting as though it is all of my own doing. Not a word of apology. The fucker.

Sorry for typos and incoherence - too much wine has been drunk to numb how unutterably awful this is,

Alt walk away. Please

You have turned this thread from one where the OP might have received support and advice about leaving a relationship which DC were going to witness this again... into one which blames the OP and a complete bun fight has gone on with you determined to be seen as the saviour of children. Maybe you have a background here. So does the OP. Cut everyone some slack and walk away so that people who can offer support can help the OP

Some things that makes DV sufferers stay are the thought that people won't believe them, will blame them, will blame them for the DC being in that situation. You've demonstrated nicely how that could pan out

This poster needs to tell people about this to get perspective and support. What has this thread taught her?

Bloody hell, 9 hours after I last looked at this thread, Altinkum is still ranting on. Feel sorry for the OP who started this thread for support and has had it hijacked.

I couldn't give a fuck if I'm right or wrong. I think we can all see that....

Can none of you picture how you might 'thrust' a child down onto a sofa next to an adult and expect the adult to 'catch' the child, ie grab hold or put an arm out, and if the adult doesn't, the child might slip off or fall over?

Actually, no.
My foremost concern is always to make sure my child is safe.
Which was why, for example, I left home with DS and my purse. Which is why I happened to be within reach for exH to attack me on the street. Because my most and foremost concern was and is my child.

I do think the OP needs to take a long and hard look at herself in relation to the children. Exactly because NO violence is acceptable, including in relation to the children.

Then she needs to take a long and hard look at her OH and act to protect herself and her children from his violence.

But do not gloss over that the main victims here are the children, and that's both in relation to their father and their mother.

Because she is a woman and because she suffered DV afterwards, does not take away her responsibility to care properly for her children.

OP, this was the first instance of dv. The doors are open now. You must sober up (literally and figuratively) and face what happened as much as non emotionally as possible.
Follow your head and not your heart on this one.
You are a victim, yes.
But you also have two little ones who need at least one parent who is on their side.

You know what? COOLBeans needs a safe and supportive place today to be listened to . This thread is not it. She is bruised, emotionally and physically, and in RL has no one on her side to help her through the next few days.

Alt and Lewiji, you have made your views known over a span of hours. We can presume that CoolBeans has read your points. She is probably going over and over ways in which she could have made it all different. Violence makes people doubt themselves and takes away their courage and voice .

Please, let's follow the advice Women's Aid give to friends and families of DV and make a safe, non judgmental space for the OP to get some support over the next few days.

Thinking of you CoolBeans. Not an easy day.

CoolBeans hope you are ok today. If you haven't been scared off Mumsnet altogether, maybe you should start another thread. This one has gone really weird. I'm surprised no one else seems to have read your posts like I did - that your DH chose deliberately not to take hold of the child to make a point. Some massive jumping to conclusions going on based on a few misused words. I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed from this thread.

Morning coolbeans-hope you managed to get some sleep & aren't leaving your thread due to the unhelpful posters continuously repeating themselves.

Hope you are all ok this morn.

Have you had any thoughts about next steps as yet? Can you get some time today to talk to some IRL?

Thinking of you x

Wow what a thread! Completely barking Altinkum and not helpful in the slightest. I haven't read the Ops posts as her being in immediate danger and needing to get herself and her kids out.

I can completely understand her having a few glasses of wine and trying to process what happened. Back off and show some support instead of judging and focussing on the fecking alcohol. You're making me want to pour myself a large glass and it's not even 9am yet.

Hope you're ok OP and will come back to this thread.

I have seen lots of judgemental posts on other pps, criticism or other pps points of view and lots of pats on the back.

IMO, support here should be both in relation to the OP's actions as well as in relation to the dv she suffered.

I don't think is properly supportive to say she is ok to do as she pleases with the children (I don't thrust my laptop and hope someone else catches it) and she is fine to drink as she pleases with children in the home and a dv partner.

So, let's hear the actual useful advice.

OP, I hope you are ok and managed to get some rest last night. I'm sorry that the thread went but please don't be deterred by that. Lots of people will want to want to support you and listen to you if you need to process things in your mind. If you come back, or maybe start a new thread for a fresh start, they'll be there to listen, chat, or give advice.

Hope this morning is at least a calmer one for you all .

I think, thank God, that most people on this thread have understood what the OP was trying to tell us happened last night.

And then we have victim blaming, inventing stuff the OP never said (anyone else have the image of a child hurled across the room like a bloody rugby ball? Far more exciting for some to turn it into that than what actually seems to have happened, a child handed down (albeit roughly) to Dad who was sitting on the sofa but didn't bother to get hold of him so he fell ONTO A CUSHION) and quite frankly manic rantings from someone who is either a) completely off her face (whilst accusing the OP of being a virtual alcoholic) b) projecting to the point where one feels almost sorry for her and wonders who the one needing help round here really is.

CoolBeans, thinking of you and hope you are ok this morning

What a clusterfuck of a thread - MN at its worst when it can be so wonderful towards vulnerable people

I’ve read the full thread this morning and I wasn’t going to post for obvious reasons. However, so many people have been so very kind and left lovely thoughts and sent nice PMs that I feel I should.

I was also all set to write a long and impassioned defence. And then I realised, I really, really don’t have to.

I will say this: My children are fine, thank you. I’m not going to address the absurd interpretations of events that some posters have posited. I’m quite sure I can’t change your minds about what an abusive drunken sot I am, so I won’t bother.

I do not know how to move forward today. DP slept in spare room and I couldn’t even look at him this morning. Eldest son and DP have now gone off to rugby training. I’m going to make play dough with the little one and then we are going to go conker hunting. Does they actually keep spiders away? Here's hoping.

My hip really hurts which is an unpleasant reminder, and I can't think straight. Please don't be surprised if I don't post straightaway. Or at all.

OP needs to leave this situation. When a P starts punching someone, there is no going back.

However she does need to find ways of dealing with her own temper which I have no doubt relates to her awful childhood, unless of course her problems relate more to this relationship?

My concert too is with the children. One who could have been injured and one who has witnessed unacceptable violence.

Once the line has been crossed then it always gets worse. She needs to ask her P to leave and to report this to the police.

Bloody hell, this thread

Really shitty situation OP. I hope you and Dh are able to talk it through.

*Dp

Morning OP, good to hear from you.

Have a nice time with your son.

We are here, when, and if, you want to talk.

And if you don't, then some will have to get their kicks elsewhere, won't they? x

Do, not does. Though I quite like how that sounds.

OP, your head must be all over the place this morning. On a practical note, if there is any bruising, take a picture of it. That way you have proof if you decide to prosecute - or if he decides to gaslight you.

I hope you're OK.

Nope, conkers don't keep spider away, sorry. I wish they did - mahoosive house spiders here.

Have a nice day - it all sounds fun.
Apart from the DV situation.

Would you consider phoning WA and talking to somebody there? To help you get your head together?
IME there is no coming back from punching . So very sorry you are having to deal with this.

Morning OP

Take time to process what's happened - we're here if you need to talk through it.

Hi OP,

Do you need to get someone to look at your hip? A walk in centre or something? And can you tell WA? Better to be on the safe side. And as someone said further up, it will be helpful in the long run if you have documented your injury.

What he did was despicable. It would be the end of the relationship for me.

OP - I have no advice, except that you know how the odds are stacked if you stay. I just wanted to send a lot of hugs and good vibes. Good luck.

It is highly possible all OP did was get frustrated with both her ds having a tantrum and her DH criticising from the side lines. I think that what happened afterwards is much more important and is the first priority, not things which happened before. If there was anything that needs attention, OP sounds like the kind of person who will reflect on that as needed, and try to make things better. Without accusations from people who were picking apart her words, with better timed and non-hectoring advice on here if she wants. Also in her own time, as long as the dc are ok, and I saw no reason to think she was not calm and looking after them. She needed a place to recover from shock last night, and to deal with the bigger problems that happened as she was leaving the room. That doesn't mean any other issues, if they exist, will be forever ignored. It just wasn't the time and place.

If she hadn't been chased off perhaps she would have been able to share more with us. It seemed that the children were settled in bed and she was not drunk (she had a bit of wine for goodness sake).

Marrog I do think from what we've heard it could have been that, yes. Or at least being so caught up in continuing to have a go at OP that he just ignored DS to follow her.

OP, you know what went on and I hope that after all this you can find a safe place to talk to supportive people in RL and on here .

Hi Coolbeans, have you taken any paracetamol/ibuprofen for the hipo? It should help to not swell up as much.

I really think you should try and get in touch with Women's Aid - tel. 0808 2000 247. They will do 'your thinking' for you and advise what is sensible.

They will also be unjudgemental and help you to process the shock and make sense of what has happened.

Do you think you'd want to report what has happened?