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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much do you know about your husbands finances?

161 replies

Wowthishurtsalot · 16/10/2014 11:12

And if he was very much 'my money is mine your money is yours' despite earning more than you would you be having words with him about it?

My husband earns twice what I do - more by virtue of the fact he works more hours than me than anything - and his argument whenever I try and raise the subject of a joint savings venture to, say, repair the bathroom or save for a holiday, is always the same.

"I'm not stopping you saving up for it but my money is mine and I don't ask you how you spend yours so stop asking me how I spend mine"

I will admit to throwing a strop at our last discussion about money as I'm sick of his attitude. Is his or mine more usual?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 16/10/2014 16:43

I always get concerned when women say that being a SAHM enables her partner to earn the salary that they do and therefore his salary is by default hers too.

I have NEVER heard a man say that.

Well I don't think he would word it precisely like that, but yes my husband would say that. He could go off to work knowing that home and children were sorted and money has always been ours.

AdoraBell · 16/10/2014 16:43

Lucy can't your OH give their brother that slap?

OP

Even as SAHM I know everything about DH's income and spending. The income and any savings are in joint accounts as that's family money and we each have personal accounts for fripperies. Everything for the family and home is paid for out for out of the joint account.

Currently money is tight enough that we need to check with each other before buying something but that's temporary and just to avoid going overdrawn and incurring charges. And it's a two way thing, I'll tell him DDs need X so I need to spend Y and he'll ask if we can afford a couple of work shirts after bills and groceries.

We each have a car and other than the odd wibble about money for petrol his only concern about me keeping the fuel topped up is so I don't run out. At weekends or for trips we use his car mostly.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 16/10/2014 16:45

Op, your husband sounds like someone I could absolutely not be around I'm afraid.
It's certainly far from a usual or 'normal' way to carry on.

Finance wise, we have always had a joint account - everything goes in there and everything comes out of there. All savings are joint too.

When we were newly married and new parents we didn't have much spare cash at all, so we allocated ourselves equal 'pocket money' amounts for each week which came out of the joint account after bills paid.
We haven't done that for years though, now we just take what we want, when we want from the joint account - we don't check up on each other's spending either.

Apart from the finances, he sounds awful anyway tbh - does he make any effort wrt you or the children?

Twinklestein · 16/10/2014 16:49

OP if WhereYouLeftIt's summary is correct, then you're being shafted.

I don't know if it will be possible to stand up to him now after all this time, or whether he would be able to change anyway, but this is not on.

firesidechat · 16/10/2014 16:49

Why am I concerned? Because 50% of the people on this thread will break up/divorce. There are lots of threads where women state they are allowing their partner to earn lots of money. Its a very dangerous asumption and as I mentioned before I have never heard a man say that his money is his partners money as she has allowed him to work the sort of hours he does and climb the corporate ladder.

He certainly wont be saying that should they split up...

I see what you mean handcream but we've been married 30 years now and he is a decent man. Being a sahm was important to me and a risk (I didn't see it that way) that I was prepared to take. In my case I wasn't walking away from a high flying career either.

handcream · 16/10/2014 16:56

In my parents time the man filled in the tax return for the FAMILY. He had to know what his wife earned. My DM never found out what he did earn....The house was in his name, she would pay for holidays and food.

Its laughable now but it was the law.

I am warning women not to live in denial that if they break up it will all be Ok because years ago they agreed when they were in love they agreed the women would stay at home...

yummypickledeggs · 16/10/2014 17:05

I don't know what you are on about handcream.
The law says that in the event of divorce the starting point is 50-50.
Negotiations take place around need, children, earning power and length of marriage. some women end up with 70-30, or 60-40 of all the assets based on need and a lost career.

hairylittlegoblin · 16/10/2014 17:10

We have shared finances. I work part time, he works full time. DH was having a conversation at work about overtime where everyone in the group (both male and female) expressed the view that even if regular finances were shared then your overtime was your own because you were the one at work for the extra hours. DH replied that his was shared because me being at home enabled him to work the overtime in the first place.

This is the attitude you need if you are going to compromise your career for the good of your family.

OP your husband is a selfish idiot. Is he aware how much it would cost him in childcare alone if you dropped down dead/walked away?

TheComeToBedEyesOfMrTumble · 16/10/2014 17:12

Handcream - "before I have never heard a man say that his money is his partners money" - this is exactly what my DH says, and we have half our families savings in each name (can't have joint accounts) perhaps you don't know that many reasonable men!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 16/10/2014 17:14

That's all very well in the event of the eventual divorce Yummy but there can be a very long spell of marriage breakdown / separation, sometimes lasting years in which time a financial abuser can totally screw their former partner. And many people aren't married in the first place.

I'm not saying parents shouldn't SAH, but they do need to look very carefully into the implications of a split.

Tutt · 16/10/2014 17:19

We have separate accounts but he earns way, way more than me, he also pays for everything.
He leaves his bank card in my purse and if he needs cash he asks, we have a business account that we both have cards for but I never use it, just check that account as and when I need to for the books etc.
My account is mine to do as I choose BUT I save so if there is anything big (car/holiday etc) we'd like there is the money there.
Also have a joint savings account that he transfers money to from his current account.
I couldn't live with someone who was selfish and didn't share!!

MLP · 16/10/2014 17:28

This doesn't sound remotely like how marriage finances should work. We have a SAHM (who never had a high salary when working) and a relatively high earner. All money is pooled. No separate accounts, so all bills paid out of joint.

Sign off from both on significant expenditure and reasonable flexibility for both on minor stuff. Needs good communication and shared goals. It allows for freedom to buy rugby tickets or go for a girls' night out respectively without any questions.

yummypickledeggs · 16/10/2014 17:29

I'm not saying parents shouldn't SAH, but they do need to look very carefully into the implications of a split.

well it sounds as if you are saying women should always work- because otherwise they could end up with no money.
This is one of the reasons why it's better to marry because then there is some protection for women.

If a woman shacks up with a man , doesn't earn anything herself and they split up then she's allowed herself to be in a very silly position.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 16/10/2014 17:35

No, I'm not saying that, but they do need to make sure they have access to the family money, not have it all controlled by their partner and not have it all in joint accounts which could be cleaned out. Any savings should be split, SAHP should claim child benefit in their name etc. It is indeed better to be married for more protection, but divorce isn't immediate and they need to be able to access money in the event of the relationship breaking down.

yummypickledeggs · 16/10/2014 18:00

I agree with all of that but how many SAHP could afford to support themselves for up to 2 years while waiting for a divorce? They'd have to get a job.

PurpleWithRed · 16/10/2014 18:08

You are married. At some stage in the ceremony did you both say "all that I have I share with you" or similar? He is breaking his marriage vows. In law all your possessions are jointly owned, as he would soon discover if you divorced.

handcream · 16/10/2014 18:15

It's not ok if you are married to think you will be alright. Your ex partner will not be happy if you say you still want to stay at home. You will have been out of the job market and nowadays that isn't wise.

You really think you will get over 50 % really.....you only have to look at the lone parent thread.

You can probably guess that I am not keen on SAHP. You leave yourself very exposed

handcream · 16/10/2014 18:17

Marriage vows! Dont make me laugh. No one thinks well I promised this so therefore I better live up to it....

handcream · 16/10/2014 18:18

I could clear a joint bank account in minutes and so could DH.

Hulababy · 16/10/2014 18:20

DH earns much more than me - way more than 10 times more.
But it is all shared money. Infact, for tax purposes, a lot of the savings and investments are in my name, and not his.
We both have cash cards ad credit cards to the same accounts, and the accounts are in shared/joint names, as are things like the mortgage.

DH would not be in a position to earn the amount he now does if I have not been willing to alter the way I work, and be around more for DD especially when she was younger.

We are a partnership, and a family team. We don't do his and her money.

Sickoffrozen · 16/10/2014 18:21

Don't know, don't care. I earn enough to keep me happy and couldn't care less if he has more than me. We split bills etc 50/50 ish. We both earn ok though so money is never really something we need to look at often as debts all paid off, house done up and no major outgoings. He does his thing, I do mine. That's the way we like it.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/10/2014 18:24

Not much. I only found out recently due to the child benefit changes how much he earns and it was about 10k a year more than I thought.

Don't know how much he has saved but then he doesn't know how much I have either.

Jackiebrambles · 16/10/2014 18:28

I know everything. We plan everything together and see the financial advisor together.

We share a joint account and a joint credit card.

He has his own current account and so do I but I know what he earns, and he me.

What are you going to do about it op? He sounds fucking horrible :(

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 16/10/2014 18:38

Everything is shared/joint. Even though he earns double what I do. No secrets.

OP your DH is a selfish arse Sad

Letthemtalk · 16/10/2014 18:43

I'd save up for my own holiday and leave the miserable bastard at home