How much do you know about your husbands finances?

[Wowthishurtsalot]

And if he was very much 'my money is mine your money is yours' despite earning more than you would you be having words with him about it?

My husband earns twice what I do - more by virtue of the fact he works more hours than me than anything - and his argument whenever I try and raise the subject of a joint savings venture to, say, repair the bathroom or save for a holiday, is always the same.

"I'm not stopping you saving up for it but my money is mine and I don't ask you how you spend yours so stop asking me how I spend mine"

I will admit to throwing a strop at our last discussion about money as I'm sick of his attitude. Is his or mine more usual?

Wow- seriously whereyouleftit hit the nail on the head. without your contribution he couldn't afford the lifestyle he has. you'd be better off without him.

And this is why I needed to write it down and ask for other people's views because I didn't know if it was something to get upset about or not

Evidently it is!

He hates going on holiday or even out for the day as a family. If you stand your ground over which car to take he will say "fine, we won't go then".

I think finances are the least of your worries in this relationship.

OP that doesn't sound healthy to me but I am by no means an expert. Surely holidays and house repairs/renovations are joint expenses even if you do have separate finances.

FWIW I know everything 100% about our finances. We have 3 accounts effectively the household/family account and a 'treat' account each but they are all offically joint accounts either of us can access at anytime. I also keep written track of every thing, even spent pennies in the corner shop, in a folder on our bookshelf.

I'd be snooping around looking for details of his savings/investments etc OP. If you ever decide to split I believe these savings etc of his will be assets of the marriage.

I couldn't have children or a marriage with someone who financially abused me like this.

He sounds awful!

I'm a sahm. We have joint everything. We also have an equal amount of spending money. I wouldn't put up with anything less - indeed financial inequality is one of the main reasons I left my first husband.

Yes, this absolutely IS something to get upset about. He is a self arse, and the current arrangement means that you are completely subsidising him!

FWIW, I consider our financial arrangements to be fairly usual:

• all incomes paid into a joint account, from which all joint/family expenses are met (including holidays and house repairs)
• monthly standing order paid to sole accounts for personal, non-joint, absolutely personal spending. Standing orders are for an equal amount.

But then I'm married to a man, not a fucking leech .

This sounds awful. I am of the opinion that couples, particularly with children, should be 100% shared. But even if you choose to have separate finances, then it should be split fairly.

Putting aside the finances for just a second, I'm also concerned that he doesn't seem to have any of the same goals, interests or aspirations as you? You value time as a family and holidays - he couldn't care less. You value having a nice home, that works well etc - he apparently would be happy to live in a pig stye. Etc.

To ask the regular MN question - what are you getting out of this relationship OP?

Is the house in both your names?

I couldn't stand for this.

There is so much pooled resources in a marriage - emotional, financial, physical, time-wise... why allocate finances so strictly (not that the allocation seems fair) when everything else is shared?

As people point out, keeping your finances separate is hugely beneficial for the party earning more.

DH earns hugely more than me. But he wouldn't have earned any of it if I hadn't fed him, did his laundry, raised his baby, rung his mother, provided emotional support, a clean home to live in etc. I work longer hours than him if you include all the housework and getting in the middle of the night for the baby. I feel absolutely entitled to half our total income (although we don't see it like that - everything is shared).

Dh is a high earner,I don't work. We share everything, it's not 'mine and yours.' I wouldn't have it any other way.

Oh and he sounds like an arse OP

I always get concerned when women say that being a SAHM enables her partner to earn the salary that they do and therefore his salary is by default hers too.

I have NEVER heard a man say that.

I earn hugely more than DH (about 4 times). We have a joint account and that is it. We used to have separate pocket money accounts but since we had DCs all the surplus disappeared so that god rid of that problem!

It would not seem to be a partnership if we didnt know each other's financial position.

"fine, we won't go then"

This isn't about money. This is about how he views his wife and how he with any conflict. Has he always been so passive agressive OP? because that's how he sounds to me - I can't have what I want so I'm going to make sure you don't get it either.

deals!!

I know everything - we have separate accounts but I see all his statements and I usually have the debit card. I pay the bills and his money is our spending money. All the savings accounts are in my name. But we are married, so everything is owned 50/50 and neither of us want for anything.

You are being taken for a mug and contributing more than your fair share.

I don't know DH's finances to the penny, but I know approximately what he earns, which bills he pays for (most of them) and that after doing so he has about 200 per month left which he uses for petrol, lunches and incidentals.

I worked partime and he earned more than twice what I earned. We pooled resources.

I work full time now and earn about 50% more than him. We pool resources.

We're too lazy to bother setting up joint accounts but we both have access to funds when we need/want them.

Like whereyouleftit I'm incredulous at your DH's selfishness. He's more like a lodger than a partner.

Ours are actually almost completely separate, but it is all regarded as family money, there is no secrecy, no mine and yours, DH is by far the higher earner but he gives most of it to me for the household account (which I manage) and we both have similar amounts of savings, pensions etc, spending money. We discuss larger spends, but there is no element of one person controlling the other or being unreasonable about things like holidays, cars etc.

We have totally separate finances but we work as a team. I am the higher earner (and not due to his supporting my career), had a mortgage etc before we met. I've basically covered everything I used to but we both believe the house is our joint future. He works away a lot and covers his own expenses for that. He's paid for all holidays.

We both have similar personal spends but a key difference from you is we have most of our interests in common. DH is about to be unemployed so I'll be paying for both of us but we will still want to go to things together, replace clothes etc. My car is tatty but we wouldn't have one of us in a good car and one crap.

I have a lot of sympathy for the higher earner not wanting a joint account and I am going to find it hard to see my personal spends reduce but the key is that we want to spend time with each other and share interets. You don't seem to have that and to me that is the point of being married.

Marriages are all different, so financial arrangements differ also!

DH and I pool all of our resources - and I really mean everything. I even nick his jumpers .

I am not working at the moment due to a physical illness. DH is the sole breadwinner. However, I am able to write so I am doing 80% of the work on a book that will appear in both of our names. It will hopefully help DH in his career, as well as enabling me to start in a new area when I am finally better (which I hope I will be one day). I do more of the housework, cooking, shopping etc than he does. The trade is a very happy one and I hope mutually beneficial.

We pool all finances, and make all financial decisions together. As far as I can see, we make our money work a lot harder this way. Our priorities are very similar, and neither of us minds a fairly straightforward way of life. We have only ever argued about money once when DH uncharacteristically spent 600 quid on a pair of designer sunglasses and I was a bit .

I have to admit that it works partly because I am more self-denying in material terms than he is, but then I value having the time to research and read and write more than he does, so I get my satisfaction in other ways!

I do most of the research, decision-making and admin around savings and investments, as DH is a bit hopeless with such things. I always run everything I do by him.

We have various accounts but every penny is joint and so are all assets. We go through phases of one of us earning hugely more than the other, mostly because of career twists and turns and occasional relocations for one job or another.

Tbh if you are planning to stay together until you die (which is what we plan) and you want to enjoy retirement together etc then I don't actually see the point of separate finances. And if you do split, presumably whose a/c the money's in at that moment is not really the end of the argument anyway?

I know all about DH's finances and he mine. We've just sorted out our pensions and savings so I know where that is and whose name it's in. When I wasn't working he covered everything without a thought.

I suggest you start invoicing him for your household services including chores and childcare and for use of your car.

He's utterly selfish and doesn't seem engaged in family life in any way. I've never said it before but I'd LTB before he took any more from me.

Herethere i agree about LTB, the way he is carrying on is simply outrageous

He is just so mean.

DH and I have been all money in the one pot type finances since just after we were married. I had a huge increase in salary and I would have been so much better off but doing all the fun stuff on my own is no fun. We pay all bills from the joint account and then we save a bit and have an equal amount of spending money into our personal accounts. It works for us. I control it because I do the admin but it is agreed. I think it's fair.

You do sound very mismatched on quite a lot of your posts OP.

If you wanted to know whether his approach was normal/reasonable I think you have a fairly resounding answer!

In our family it's all joint, I manage it though. When we have savings they go into the name of whoever it makes most sense to put them into at the time. We have at points both been the main earner. Everything comes out of the joint and normal purchases are made as well feel like, larger ones are discussed. I keep an eye on it so it's me who says if we are doing OK or if we need to try to rein the spending in a bit.

I would guess that we spend similar on ourselves.

I wouldn't be able to live in the relationship you describe, I'm sorry to say. I know everyone is different and relationships are different but for me personally, from what you describe, I couldn't do it and I wouldn't want to.

What would happen if you said "fine" and just did the day out with you and the kids and left him behind / booked a holiday without him? I'm interested although not suggesting you do that as I'm not into "games" and if I were you I would be having one last ditch to make him behave like a reasonable adult and then if not telling him to fuck off.