How much do you know about your husbands finances?

[Wowthishurtsalot]

And if he was very much 'my money is mine your money is yours' despite earning more than you would you be having words with him about it?

My husband earns twice what I do - more by virtue of the fact he works more hours than me than anything - and his argument whenever I try and raise the subject of a joint savings venture to, say, repair the bathroom or save for a holiday, is always the same.

"I'm not stopping you saving up for it but my money is mine and I don't ask you how you spend yours so stop asking me how I spend mine"

I will admit to throwing a strop at our last discussion about money as I'm sick of his attitude. Is his or mine more usual?

What type of things does he spend his 'pocket money' on OP?

Of course he doesn't want anything to change....

Everything.

He got himself so far up shit creek you couldn't even see the river and I now run every aspect of our finances.

How is he funding the family? You're paying 50:50 on daily expenses and covering all irregular expenses AND providing part-time childcare.

So he pays 50:50 despite earning more, but he doesn't pay for holidays or things you think 'needs doing' but he doesn't?

In at case I would just book your holiday for yourself and kids and leave him behind. For good.

Presumably you doing childcare for free enables him to work the long hours he does...

OP - Have you any idea at all what his money is going on?

Our finances are pretty much joint.

Both of our salaries (I earn more than DH by about £700 a month) go into the joint account. Our mortgage, bills and savings come out of that account, including £250 each into our own personal bank accounts. We can do with that what we wish (in my case getting my hair done, buying clothes, meals with friends etc).

We have two savings accounts, one where £300 a month goes into it and the other is a Xmas savings account where £50 a month goes in. But both of those are in my name, for no other reason than I set them up on a whim and set up the standing orders. But I LIKE having full control over them. DH was terrible with money when we first got together and I cleared off £4k of his debts from his life before me. So it's important to me to know exactly what is happening with our money.

You definitely need to get this sorted as everyone else has said. He's behaving like a single man!!

OP, I have no problem with the separate accounts thing, if it works for the couple concerned but for those people for whom it does work, it's fair based on their respective income.

If your situation was fair, then you'd be paying a percentage relative to how much you earn towards the holidays etc and he'd be paying the rest because he earns more. To expect you to pay 50% when he earns more than you is appalling. It sounds as if punish you for not working full time and having had the children.

And as for the bathroom etc? Does he only use the garden hosepipe for washing? No, he uses the bathroom so he can pay for some of the upgrade. Does he stay at home when you go on these holidays? No, he comes too so he should pay for it too.

I don't think he views himself as married with a family. He is a single man who shares a house with a woman and children that he just happens to have fathered.

It doesn't sound good at all.

*he is punishing

We have 3 accounts: Mine, His, Joint.

We pay into the joint account proportional to our pay (both work FT). Roughly I pay one-third to his two-thirds. Child benefit goes into joint account too. That pays for household bills including childcare. It gets reviewed every September with the result that his contribution usually increases.

He usually pays for "big ticket" items such as holidays, cars etc. Really big stuff (such as work on the house) we split one third/two-thirds.

I know pretty much about his finances: he is a saver. I am a spender. I think 3 accounts are a particularly good idea when there are different spending habits.

Totally unacceptable situation.
Were you drunk when you had the tattoo on your forehead?
I'd be changing this or he'd be changing his address.

My I was married to someone and was expected to pay for all the holidays, work on house etc I wouldn't be taking him anywhere.

What a tight arse.

Everything. As he does about mine.

We have a complex situation involving a number of accounts. If he was looking to know the balance of any of them, bar one (and I have a pretty accurate idea of what's in it as we discuss it, usually with the paperwork in front of us), regardless of who's name is on them, he'd probably ask me first as I have a rough idea in my head.

If I fall off my perch, he's buggered - he asked me who our energy provider was last night. I do all the operational management of our lives.

I work part-time and even if I worked full time, DH would still earn substantially more than me (he's ten years older than me and has a senior management job) but if he started trying to play that card, we'd fall out pretty quickly.

I don't know how you actually pay your mortgage, do you transfer a set amount to his account or does the mortgage payment come out of your bank account.

If you transfer to him then simply reduce the set amount you transfer, it's obviously more of a problem if it's the other way around. You then need to have a conversation stating that you expect him to contribute 80% towards the mortgage and pay for repairs. Unless you tackle this now then I can't see how your marriage can realistically survive his pettiness. If he refuses and cannot see the unfairness of your present set-up then you will have to play hard ball and gradually remove him from family life starting by just cooking and cleaning for yourself and the kids

you insisted on cutting your hours

This might be it. If do insisted on cutting hours not a chance in hell would I be upping my contribution.

If we had a sensible discussion and it was right for the family to cut down hours then not a worry I'd fund it. But if I was told that do was cutting hours and I needed to suck up the shortfall....not happening.

anna because he's happy to not have a holiday whereas I feel I need one, even a day trip, he hates going out or doing anything as a family - whether that's true I don't know but it's certainly how it feels!

I've tried standing my ground with the cars but he will simply shrug his shoulders and say 'fine we won't go then'

More fool me for trying to keep our family doing things as a family Eh

More than DH does. He leaves our finances to me - we both have access to all of our accounts, and he takes what he wants, when he wants. TBF we both do. We also work together and I have the greater handle on the business finances.

It works for us.

OP, can you just confirm that I have understood your posts correctly?

He earns twice what you earn, because he works full-time and you work part-time.

You can only work part-time because if you worked full time, all childcare costs would fall to you as he would refuse to contribute to paying for the care of his children.

He can only work full-time because you do the childcare of his children for free.

He refuses to pay towards joint expenses such as holidays or bathroom repairs, but is happy to benefit from these things when you pay for them from your much-smaller income.

He freeloads by benefitting from using your car/petrol rather than using/paying for his own car/petrol.

And then he says "I'm not stopping you saving up for it but my money is mine and I don't ask you how you spend yours so stop asking me how I spend mine".

In what fucking way is this a partnership ?

Sounds like you'd be better off living away from him, least then you'd be getting court ordered maintenance for the kids and possibly yourself! What a mean selfish person he is!

whereyouleftit that's the size of it, yes

I know everything about the family finances as I control and manage the finances and do the admin.
We don't believe in his n her finances its just family money.
dh is the sole provider as well.

Your dh doesn't sound like he's a family man, I'm not sure I could trust somebody like this tbh.

We still have our own bank accounts but both of us know what is in each others account. It isn't our own personal money though, our name is just the one on the account iyswim

And his good points are?
Im sure he must have some or you wouldn't still be with this dick.

I'm a Sahm and have been for 5 years and all the money is our money. I have complete access to his bank account, we now have a joint bank account which his wages get paid into and I have my own personal account where my tax credits/Carers allowance get paid into. All the bills get paid from his account. My phone bill gets paid from my account and we both can buy whatever we like within reason. We only have an old car that we both drive so fuel comes out of family money.
I have three kids, one with SN so me going back to work isn't an option at the moment. We are both working equally hard at home and outside it so we both benefit from the money coming into the house.

How is he funding the family if everything is split 50/50?

His attitude is awful. I don't think it really matters how you 'manage' the money one account, three accounts, whatever but you need to start from the basis that everything is family money.

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Jesus. How can you live with such a twat?