How much do you know about your husbands finances?

[Wowthishurtsalot]

And if he was very much 'my money is mine your money is yours' despite earning more than you would you be having words with him about it?

My husband earns twice what I do - more by virtue of the fact he works more hours than me than anything - and his argument whenever I try and raise the subject of a joint savings venture to, say, repair the bathroom or save for a holiday, is always the same.

"I'm not stopping you saving up for it but my money is mine and I don't ask you how you spend yours so stop asking me how I spend mine"

I will admit to throwing a strop at our last discussion about money as I'm sick of his attitude. Is his or mine more usual?

Whoops meant to add, I know that's strong but really for me this would be intolerable.

DW and I don't keep tabs on each other's spending, although we both put into a joint account for joint expenses. However, we are both savers, so we know we can trust each other to be sensible. We don't have children and we married quite late in life. We have discussed what money is kept where so that if one of us dies, the other will be more informed. I couldn't live with having to discuss every purchase, which is one reason why I never wanted the enormous expense that is having children.

(Don't want to go too much off topic, but handcream, why are you concerned? Do you feel that position is unfair to the person working out of the home and earning a salary? Not offended, just curious.)

I' m not even married, but we live together and anything to do with house repairs or holidays is discussed beforehand who's paying for what. We earn around the same, but I don't think that's the point here.

He's saying he wouldn't pay for childcare- I assume they're his children?!
He's having his cake and eating it. If you wanted to go back to work then that's your choice-he is earning so you don't have to, yes but you're also NOT earning as much, so he can!

It's meant to be an equal partnership adapted to what suits you both individually and as a family.
The car thing would utterly piss me off, too. You are being a mug, and he's being financially abusive. This needs to be sorted out.

What does he do with his money?

I'm not married yet but my fiance and I know about each other's finances. When we get married next year, we will both pool our incomes (despite one of us earning twice as much as the other), set aside money for bills, holiday savings, house maintenance etc. and then anything left over will be divided 50:50 between us as personal spending money for us to use individually as we wish. We've already agreed this in advance. I do think we might have some disagreements about how much we need to save for holidays etc. (he's happy with a week's all-inclusive in Spain; I like more expensive exotic holidays.) But hopefully we'll discuss it like reasonable adults and reach a compromise.

I would find your situation totally unacceptable and intolerable. How on earth is childcare your responsibility only? Are they not his children? I think mumsnet is sometimes too quick to shout "abuse" but I do think you are being financially abused by this man.

You are 100% right to be unhappy with the situation.

Everything.

Joint accounts, joint savings.

It's me who runs the accounts etc, he would have no idea on a day to day basis how much money there is!

In my first marriage, I didn't even know how much my ex earned, he wouldn't tell me. I had my own account and I'd get child benefit put in it, and I could buy groceries etc on his credit card. I'd never be that way again.

We have joint accounts mostly but I have some money of my own that I don't spend. But even so we hardly ever agree on what jobs need doing so nothing much ever gets done because it usually ends in a row.

I know everything about dh's finances and he knows all about mine. We have our separate accounts but dh pays all the bills and we use the money in his account first (he earns much much more than me) and my wages r used mainly for savings or if we use all of dh's wages for some reason. I always seem to have dh's card as that is the account used the most. The money we earn belongs to both of us despite the seperate accounts. I buy what I want, as does he, although we discuss it if either of us wants to buy something more expensive. Your situation does not sound healthy and your dh sounds like an arse tbh.

Why am I concerned? Because 50% of the people on this thread will break up/divorce. There are lots of threads where women state they are allowing their partner to earn lots of money. Its a very dangerous asumption and as I mentioned before I have never heard a man say that his money is his partners money as she has allowed him to work the sort of hours he does and climb the corporate ladder.

He certainly wont be saying that should they split up...

I know everything about my DH's finances. All the money he earns goes into our joint account. And he certainly says it is as much mine as his because I have been a SAHM and wife which he considers is a major factor in his career success.

BadLad you remind me of something - we got married in the Catholic Church so were obliged to attend a pre-marriage course. One of the exercises was based around discussing finances. DH and I were blown away by the number of people that had clearly never had the discussion! We knew entirely our attitudes to money before we got married.

The funny thing is, in the time we've been together, he's become profligate, and I've become tight which is a complete switch.

I get concerned too when people say I earn nothing or hardly anything and all money is pooled and is equally belonging to each of us. And it doesn't matter who earns what. It will matter if you split up. A lot of women are financially vulnerable even if they are married or living with high earners.

I know nothing about my stbxh's finances. Other than he earns about 5 times what I earn. He pays the mortgage, I pay for all of dd's needs including holidays that he never joined us on. He always got angry and aggressive when I tried to discuss finances. Hence the stbxh bit.

If you want another example.
We share it all more or less and I know every penny he has and vice versa.
From the day we married we had a joint account. We each had some savings accounts too as singletons and kept these. We have a joint account now- into which DH pays all his salary, I pay in around 50% of mine and the rest goes into another account for my tax- an s/e.
We each have ISAs and stock and shares - DH puts in his bonus and I put in left over cash from my business account.
ALL our outgoings come out of the joint account.
If we want something 'big' and need to take it out of our savings accounts we either split it 50-50, or work on the basis that H paid last time, so now it's my turn.
He earns 10x what I do, and we have never had a cross word over money in 30 years.

My SIL is in a dreadful position, she is SAHM and her DH is a very high earner.
The mortgage and car are completely in DHs name as are all savings. SIL doesnt even have a bank account, her name is on his credit card that is it. She has no access to any cash at all and everything she needs goes on to credit card. Her DH then checks the statements and questions everything, eg. Why she had spent 30 in asda? For food obviously!!
She cant even buy her 3 year old DS an ice cream when the ice cream van comes because she has no cash at all!
She isnt allowed to buy things (even essentials!!!) for herself or DC-who is also his child!-without prior consent from DH which she doesnt usually get.
Makes me mad just thinking of the financial abuse she is suffering.

well she's a fool to have allowed life to happen like that.

This is your brother's wife you are talking about?

Oh no this is my OHs sister!
If my brother carried on like that he would get a short sharp slap

I hate reading about men who are financially controlling.

It puts their partners in such a foolish position, having to negotiate and ask for money.

It is a dick head attitude, I would not stand for it.

Yummy-it's abuse, maybe she feels she had no choice.

Lucy, it's abuse. Is there anyway you can get her to see that? These kind of stories (and they crop on MN remarkably frequently) make me want to cry.

I am the high earner. But DH has the exact same access to our money as I do. He's also far more likely to keep an eye on our joint account than I am.

Also, as an aside, I came home yesterday and Dh had bought DS a somewhat expensive sweatshirt because DS had fallen in love with it. I was THRILLED because when he first became a SAHD he felt he had to ask my permission to spend more than £5. I am so pleased it's not like that any more.

when you are in a marriage or life long partnership then all resources should be joint imho. my DW and I have only just got a joint account but ever since we moved in together we've been totally open and collavborative about our ins and outs. I must say I find it strange when couples have separate finances or one person looks after the money with the other completely in the dark.

Your husband is lying to you.

He is not funding the family. You are.

I imagine the manual labour involved in keeping your family ticking over falls to you.

He would be worse off if you divorced him, quite considerably in fact.

It was a unilateral decision on his part to keep so much of his salary for himself and let you pay for essentials, but you are a grown up. Make decisions which are correct for you as a family, also unilaterally, (its worth repeating you are an adult).

Also decide if he is a good enough husband to you. If he is he will concede a change. If not...

Good luck. x