Help to end an abusive OW non-relationship

[SelfLoathing]

I already hate myself so please don't attack me; every thing you would say I already have said to myself. But I need some help to get out.

I have been having an affair with a MM. I am single. I have never been an OW before. He is vile and emotionally abusive. Typical behaviour is extended silent treatment/cold shoulder/no contact after either any period of time when we've become more intimate (I don't mean sex, I mean more emotionally intimate/close) or if I ever disagree with him.

For some reason (I can only think it is sexual), I am obsessed with him. He is so self confident and successful. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. In other circumstances, I would say I was in love. But I can't be "in love" with someone who behave so unpleasantly can I? It's just an infatuation.

The pattern of our "non-relationship" is intense periods of him being very charming, taking me out, seducing me. Then something happens and he disappears. sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Then he re-appears and does it all again. When he wants (to have sex I guess) he is so charming - but it is super nova charm like I've never seen. It's all so focussed and directed on me and I keep falling for it. When I am with him I have the best time ever, we have tons in common and he makes me laugh.

It has taken a massive toll on my self esteem. I think he was originally attracted to me because I was attractive and self confident. I have put on masses of weight (comfort eating) and feel like no one else will ever want me. It's tiny things - like comments about my thighs being "a little bit too fat"; minor belittling of my achievements, acting like I'm amazing then disappearing. I know I'm not the only OW he is sleeping with.

I want to break this cycle and break free of this. It's not a relationship; it's not even a proper affair. But even though it's destroying me, I am so infatuated/ obsessed with him that I'm scared that I can't get out. & will fall back into the cycle.

I know this will sound ridiculous - because it obviously is - even I don't understand why this particular man has a such a fatal hold over me. I honestly don't get it - maybe it's an addiction to sex hormones or something. If I read this post I would just say "grow up and pull yourself together and go no contact", which is fair enough but I've tried this so many times, and some how he always weasels a tiny chink open and gets back in. His charm is extraordinary.

But I hate it all. I hate that he is married and has a wife. I hate I am part of that cheating. I hate what he is doing to my self esteem. I've come to loathe myself when I used to have it all. I wish he loved me and valued me.

My will power is so pathetically weak with him. Pathetic is the right word. How can I get out of this cycle?

The only way out is to stop. No-one can do it for you. He sounds horrid and you sound completely reeled in.

You need to find something to do/distract you from falling back into the same patterns. Block him in every way you possibly can.

What would force you to stop is telling his wife. She deserves to know and it will mean it has to end. But you say he is controlling. Is he abusive to you? Do you think he is to her? If that's part of it it's a different issue.
Change your phone number. Block him on social networks and ignore any contact he tries to make.
Start doing things for you. Do something positive that will make you happy that has nothing to do with pleasing a man.
Other people will/do find you attractive. There are men out there that you would like just as much that would have a loving, respectful, honest relationship with you. He has broken your self esteem cleverly so you think he's the best you can do. He's not, he's using you and hurting many people. That is not someone anyone needs in their life. Work on your self esteem. Maybe some counselling sessions to help you see why your self esteem comes from men.

You've answered your own question really. You have to stay out of contact. This man hates women. He hates you and his wife and probably a few others besides. For you he is an obsession borne out of your lack of confidence and insecurity. You think he's the best you can do for the present. Maybe you think it's a contest and, if you are a terrific mistress, he'll leave the wife. I don't know. But you are being used and it's a sad waste of your life to carry on.

It'll take effort to drop him. Obsessions are difficult to stop. However, you also have a major trump card at your disposal if he ignores your wish to stay away.... and that is to reveal his secret.

Seek counselling, improve your social life, fill the empty spaces and resolve to keep him out of your life. Good luck

"Then something happens and he disappears. sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months."

Either his wife is suspicious (and he wants to allay her suspicions) or he has more than one mistress and like the thrill of the chase of the new.

And of course he's charming. He wouldn't be able to be such a shit if he wasn't.

Yes, you need to go full NC.

What can we do to help you with your resolve?

Can you describe how he last weaseled his way back in? You write as if you are helpless to prevent this, and I'm sure the more you resist him the more he goes on the charm offensive, but the fact is he doesn't 'somehow' end up back in your life, you choose it.

So talk us through it, and we can help you with a strategy to combat it.

I also favour the nuclear option of telling his wife. That will break the magic spell forever.

Thank you for all your replies.

What would force you to stop is telling his wife. She deserves to know and it will mean it has to end. But you say he is controlling. Is he abusive to you? Do you think he is to her?

I think his wife knows that he is unfaithful. This is based on a third party telling me she'd caught him before. I don't think he is abusive to her but frankly I don't know. She is hugely wealthy and although he earns a lot too, I don't think he would put that in jeopardy. Anyway I wouldn't tell his wife, as I think that would be selfish for me to do. If she doesn't know, it would hurt her unnecessarily. If she knows about his previous, then it may cristalise a crisis. That's not fair for me to do. She doesn't deserve to be hurt and they have a young family.

Work on your self esteem. Maybe some counselling sessions to help you see why your self esteem comes from men.

I hadn't thought about this but I think you could be right. Counselling seems to me to be an area rife with charlatans and people who do more damage than good. How do I go about finding a good one?

What can we do to help you with your resolve?

I don't know. This is why I was posting. This is why I feel so weak, and bad and desperate for help.

I know you won't tell his wife, but all this nonsense about not wanting to upset her life is just stupid. Better to know your husband is an absolute arsehole, I say.

Look up BACP website for a qualified and affiliated counsellor.

OP, you're very articulate, insightful and thoughtful - that is clear to me and I don't even know you! The people you meet in RL will appreciate your qualities, so don't think for a minute that you're not worth knowing.

Plenty of good advice above. The only thing I can add is that if you can think of him as a barrier to you living a full and happy life, instead of a charismatic and sexy man you will be taking a huge first step. (I'm imagining that the angst of your current situation isn't allowing you to interact fully with anyone who isn't him - whether as a friend or a potential partner.)

Go no contact. Change your details so you know he can't contact you. Please don't be complicit in destroying another woman's world.

You are in control here, you can stop contact/responding to this man but you decide to anyway even though he causes you untold misery.

He does not respect you. He does not trust you and I certainly don't think he loves you. But if you stop contact with him you can find a man who will love and respect you.

Stop feeding your own misery.

Good luck

a long time ago, I had an affair with a wealthy, successful MM who had many other women too. It was like a competition which one he would take on business trips with him, who would get the crumbs of his spare time etc. He was charming and could pretty much talk or pay his way in and out of any situation.

I thought because of his wealth and popularity it made him an exception to all the usual "affair" rules, because he just seemed to be able to have whatever he wanted, and his DW - from what I saw - seemed to accept the fate of being cuckolded so I felt I had no value.

What made me eventually get over him was improving my own life - and in the same vein - my own self esteem. I realised all the freedoms I legitimately had that he didn't have. I started online dating and going on dates with other men. I didn't prefer them to him, but I persisted with it because it opened up my very narrow view of how I thought things were for me (that crumbs from him were the best I was ever going to get.)

I also took quite an extreme option and turned off my phone, bought a pay as you go phone and told my work, family and close friends the new number. I only used that phone for a month, and by the time I checked my old one I felt a little more detached from the affair. Also I found the usual missed calls and texts from him and realised that he just continued in the same old pattern whether or not I responded, whether or not I jumped to his tune or ignored him.

What I am saying is - any part of me that was afraid of breaking free from it was instantly calmed by this. He just wanted what he wanted and he continued to demand it. No disasters happened if I didn't respond to the usual tricks or I didn't jump to see him when he gave me a small window of time in his life.

I also started having therapy. Reduced income therapy for £20 a week and it really helped build my self esteem and work out why I enter into these dynamics with people.

In your last sentence you said you wished he loved and valued you. You have to love and value yourself then you will find that his dismissive, belittling behaviour towards you will stop because you won't tolerate it.

It has to come from inside, you are worth more than this

Would a healthy dose of contempt help, OP?

You say: 'His charm is extraordinary.'

I think I speak for everyone on this thread when I say 'he sounds like a wanker'.

It isn't unnecessarily hurting his wife for her to know. It's more selfish not to tell her imo. Would you what to be in a marriage based on a lie? At least if she knows she can make an informed choice about the rest of her life instead of being strung along.

All it is, he is a challenge.
He poses that 'Alphaness' that feminist deny women love but most women secretly love.

If you are honest with yourself, you secretly want him to declare his undying love for you. In that it proves you are desirable and can obtain a high status man.

To him you are just a a shag, he is merely just NICE to you when he wants a shag but then is back to his normal self assured arrongant self when he is done with you.

From the way you are not sure if you love him, Its probably not him you want, but you like the challenge.
Once you find someone you love, you will know.

When did you last speak to him?

Personally, I loathe 'alphas'.

Give me a grateful beta any time.

I was a wife....I wish someone had told me. X

Go cold turkey. Change your sim & number. Read books about self-esteem. EXPECT it to be hard at first.

When I escaped my x, the reason it was hard despite the fact that he was horrible to me almost always was because my identity had become wrapped up in his opinion of me, so I was never at peace unless I battled to gain his very temporary and or grudging approval. It was a constant battle.

You can step out of that.

I agree. Nothing like a beta man! They are much better.

arsetide it's definitely not 'a feminist thing' to be drawn to that type of man It's a low self-esteem thing, being drawn to 'alpha' men. (Not all alpha men are selfish and domineering, some are just really confident). It' s like if a woman is uncertain of her own identity or right to have an identity she wants to be around another stronger identity, that would mask not having an identity of her own I guess. But a feminist (and most feminists are made not born, well they have an identity of their own, not an identity of 'feminist', just Them Self. The Identity of being sure who they are adn being happy with that.)

A woman with a strong sense of her own self will not be drawn to a controlling or domineering type.

thepoorlobsters

I thought because of his wealth and popularity it made him an exception to all the usual "affair" rules, because he just seemed to be able to have whatever he wanted, and his DW - from what I saw - seemed to accept the fate of being cuckolded so I felt I had no value.

This sounds very like this guy. He looks good, has charm, intelligent, success, wealth. He does get to do whatever he wants. It's not quite as bad in terms of women competing to go on trips, but I definitely feel I have no value because he treats me so badly.

The weirdest thing is that one time I bumped into him unplanned and he introduced me to the person he was with in the most glowing terms. It was as if he was proud to know me - boasting of some career successes I had had. Frankly, I was amazed he'd even registered let alone act like this was a good thing. I had just been interviewed on television - when I'd showed it to him, he'd just pointed out things I'd done wrong and started going on about another woman he knew who worked in television.

ofcourse

^You have to love and value yourself then you will find that his dismissive, belittling behaviour towards you will stop because you won't tolerate it.
It has to come from inside, you are worth more than this^

I realise that my self esteem is rock bottom. Normally I'm not like this at all - or at least never used to be. My best friend said to me "if one of your friends treated you like this, you'd never let them get away with it. I'd be scared of your reaction." I don't know how I got here.

But more importantly, I don't know how to get out. My weight is a big issue I think. I feel so grotesquely fat and repellent. I do need to lose weight as I have been comfort eating.

arsenal

All it is, he is a challenge. He poses that 'Alphaness' that feminist deny women love but most women secretly love. If you are honest with yourself, you secretly want him to declare his undying love for you. In that it proves you are desirable and can obtain a high status man.

I agree his Alphaness is very very much a draw. & I agree I'm stimulated by a challenge.I think there is also a part of me that wants to be him or to have what he has, so the next best thing is having him. I do want him to love me but not because it proves I can obtain a high status man. I think it's more because somehow I've got into a situation where I feel like his approval really matters, that if someone that amazing thinks SO little of me, I much be really, really sh.it.

itsbetterthanabox

When did you last speak to him?

We are currently in a cold shoulder cycle. I last spoke to him two months ago. I saw a friend of his the other day in a bar which has caused a re-activation of my obsession about him. I've literally thought of nothing else but him since I saw the friend.

So actually right now it's not a problem. He's not calling or emailing or anything. In fact it could be that I'm asking about a non-problem. I may never hear from him again. Maybe my question really should have been how can I stop obsessing about him.

Noctambulist

Would a healthy dose of contempt help, OP? You say: 'His charm is extraordinary.'I think I speak for everyone on this thread when I say 'he sounds like a wanker'.

Not sure it helps exactly but you did make me laugh. Thank you.

optimist1

OP, you're very articulate, insightful and thoughtful - that is clear to me and I don't even know you! The people you meet in RL will appreciate your qualities, so don't think for a minute that you're not worth knowing.

Thank you so much for this. It was very kind. I feel so down that this means a lot.

Alpha males, by the pure virtue of being alphas, are to a man, pricks. And I for one find them nasty and manipulative.
Op, listen to the wise ones, cut all contact with him. He will not suddenly realise that you are the best thing in his life. Sorry, but he won't. Let him fuck his own life up, but stop him doing it to yours.
(On a more pragmatic subject, if you aren't the only one, get yourself down the. GUM clinic.)

It's not really a challenge though OP, a challenge is something that requires hard work but gives a reward. This isn't a challenge per se, it's self flagellation. You are basically rejecting yourself. You are not quite good enough you think. You don't quite deserve 'it'. So you seek out somebody who will compound your low opinion of yourself. And he's reacting to that, like, who is he to disagree....

There's nothing wrong with being single until you raise your bar. It's hard for a while you can believe it in theory and still be sucked in by wankers. It nearly (only nearly thankfully, I pulled away in time) happened to me when I could see it all rationally but still felt that proving myself to a wanker was proving myself.

I read some really good books about assertiveness, and self-esteem and self-confidence. And even, a light hearted book by sherry argov with the ludicrous title 'why men love bitches'. It does make you think though. It's actually not about what random men love, it's about you loving you. That's what I took from a book called 'why men love bitches!'.

the reason it was hard despite the fact that he was horrible to me almost always was because my identity had become wrapped up in his opinion of me, so I was never at peace unless I battled to gain his very temporary and or grudging approval. It was a constant battle.

100% this is where I am.