Help to end an abusive OW non-relationship

[SelfLoathing]

I already hate myself so please don't attack me; every thing you would say I already have said to myself. But I need some help to get out.

I have been having an affair with a MM. I am single. I have never been an OW before. He is vile and emotionally abusive. Typical behaviour is extended silent treatment/cold shoulder/no contact after either any period of time when we've become more intimate (I don't mean sex, I mean more emotionally intimate/close) or if I ever disagree with him.

For some reason (I can only think it is sexual), I am obsessed with him. He is so self confident and successful. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. In other circumstances, I would say I was in love. But I can't be "in love" with someone who behave so unpleasantly can I? It's just an infatuation.

The pattern of our "non-relationship" is intense periods of him being very charming, taking me out, seducing me. Then something happens and he disappears. sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Then he re-appears and does it all again. When he wants (to have sex I guess) he is so charming - but it is super nova charm like I've never seen. It's all so focussed and directed on me and I keep falling for it. When I am with him I have the best time ever, we have tons in common and he makes me laugh.

It has taken a massive toll on my self esteem. I think he was originally attracted to me because I was attractive and self confident. I have put on masses of weight (comfort eating) and feel like no one else will ever want me. It's tiny things - like comments about my thighs being "a little bit too fat"; minor belittling of my achievements, acting like I'm amazing then disappearing. I know I'm not the only OW he is sleeping with.

I want to break this cycle and break free of this. It's not a relationship; it's not even a proper affair. But even though it's destroying me, I am so infatuated/ obsessed with him that I'm scared that I can't get out. & will fall back into the cycle.

I know this will sound ridiculous - because it obviously is - even I don't understand why this particular man has a such a fatal hold over me. I honestly don't get it - maybe it's an addiction to sex hormones or something. If I read this post I would just say "grow up and pull yourself together and go no contact", which is fair enough but I've tried this so many times, and some how he always weasels a tiny chink open and gets back in. His charm is extraordinary.

But I hate it all. I hate that he is married and has a wife. I hate I am part of that cheating. I hate what he is doing to my self esteem. I've come to loathe myself when I used to have it all. I wish he loved me and valued me.

My will power is so pathetically weak with him. Pathetic is the right word. How can I get out of this cycle?

it's not like crystal meth fgs

I beg to differ on that. A dynamic like this is highly addictive.

I married someone like this. I adored him, worshipped him; utterly dazzled by him, he was my light. I was so seduced I lost consciousness of my selfhood and basked in him. I was utterly seduced to the core.

You seem to be the same; so under his spell that when he is not present and seducing you with an impossible seduction, you are in shadow, you don't exist.

I honestly don't think jogging along with holidays, work, hobbies (ffs! how sickenly lifeless they are in comparison to his dazzling, life-giving, light!) etc is going to touch this: it is in a whole other league.

FrancisdeSales has it (previous page) - go back and read her post again. Sorry to be bossy but you're in trouble here and it's essential you get onto this. He has no consciousness of your selfhood, only how you reflect on him. He is able to mould himself to you so close, a hair's breadth, the perfect fit, to perfectly disarm you. His perfect mimicry is why you 'have so much in common and get on so well'. He reflects you back to you because he has no him to show you. I'm sorry to tell you he does the same with everyone - you probably wouldn't recognise him if you saw him blasting someone else with his impossible charm and seduction. He feeds off others, sucking out the soul to feed his ego (which is never sated btw). Your aquiesence is the drug he seeks, but tires of easily, hunting around for the next conquest (which never satisfies).

So far so chilling - i am not exaggerating. I'd say the Freedom Programme is an essential port of call - a basic, a first base. Then, perhaps 'Men who hate women, and women who love them'. Read anything and everything by Lundy Bancroft. Get into therapy - no excuses, you need it and you will need it in future: do your research, interview prospective therapists; find out what therapists do, the different disciplines; seek therapists who work with abuse victims.

You will end up a husk, as I did, if you don't get on this now - though for me the pain became so immense that the spell began to break: these types suck your life out of you, literally, it's what they do (said that already - it bears repeating). Your light is already significantly dimmed, your eye trained on your master: nothing else means anything or matters, only him; you loathe yourself because he loathes you - curiously, it isn't personal.

I'd like to do the polite thing and say I hope I haven't shocked you, but I do hope you are shocked. Because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about. It's going to take significant application to release his grip on your heart and mind, you have to accept that and stop dilly dallying while your life dribbles away.

springydaffs

I just read your post and will go back and re-read slowly but this bit:

I married someone like this. I adored him, worshipped him; utterly dazzled by him, he was my light. I was so seduced I lost consciousness of my selfhood and basked in him. I was utterly seduced to the core

describes exactly how I feel about this man - not withstanding all - and all I could think was I'm SO jealous that you got to marry the man you felt this way about.

I know that's fu.cked thinking. But the fact that was my first thought shows where I am I guess.

I'd like to do the polite thing and say I hope I haven't shocked you, but I do hope you are shocked.

No. I'm not shocked. It makes a lot of sense.

I think I understand this on a fundamental level. This is my problem. On an intellectual level I get he is a soul sucking, mirroring, manipulative man . but on an emotional level, I worship him in the off -the -scale way you describe.

I think it is a "I need your approval and want you to care for me" thing.

The fact he is so rejecting destroys me.

I also respond to the competitive side - I want to win. I want to beat him. I want him to love me.

I'm so rubbish. Who would want a woman like me? I'm in love with a man who I haven't spoken to for over 2 months who when he sees me acts like I'm amazing but then can not speak to me at all and not care.

It all HURTS so badly. Not in that "I'm dumped" kind of way; more in a "get out of my sight I hate you" kind of way.

I honestly don't think jogging along with holidays, work, hobbies (ffs! how sickenly lifeless they are in comparison to his dazzling, life-giving, light!) etc is going to touch this: it is in a whole other league.

Yes. I get this totally. This is (sadly) exactly how I feel.

What broke the spell for you?

If you knew the impact on me of marrying him, the disabilities I battle with even now, you wouldn't be jealous. But I know what you mean.

The pain broke the spell. 'Immense' doesn't cover it.

It HURTS in a soul obliterating way. No small thing.

Ffs, get into therapy. Find out the gap in your psyche that gained him (diabolical) entry.

I'm sorry to hear that springdaffs. And feel bad for asking.

I feel like I'm in a cult that I've been turfed out of.

I did a lot of research on cults when I finally, hallelujah, praise be, got free (but I paid the price, AND HOW). Ours was a cult of two: leader, proselyte. Sounds like yours has a fair few proselytes. Just think, all those women fat and loathing themselves and pining and locked in competition, just like you.

Don't feel bad for asking. I'm spelling it out in the hope you'll wake up. I'm not going to stand by and watch another woman slip into hades, eyes a-dazzled.

But how does one man get all these acolytes?

He's got to be exceptional to do this right?

I'm not going to stand by and watch another woman slip into hades, eyes a-dazzled.

I'm trying to work out how I can get Pedigree Chum shipped in for Cerberus. Because then he might like me.

He's got to be a psychopath.

Poor dog.

Night night zzzzzz

Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts about a man I was involved with for nearly 20 years on and off. I felt exactly as you do now.

I finally managed to stop loving him after 20 years of believing he was my soulmate, 'the one'. I will tell you how I did it.

I had therapy for 2 years. I was still seeing him, and used to think 'but you don't understand!' when the therapist talked about him
But
The therapist lent me a book about narcissists (sp!). II read it and realised that this man was a narcissist, he had every symptom. Gradually the scales started to fall from my eyes!

I realised that this man didn't keep returning to me because underneath he really loved me if only he realised it. It was because I let him. He wanted sex and I was willing to let him in my flat at midnight so he could have it. I was willing to drop everything for 2 hours of his company. I was willing to reply to his 'sexts' when he fancied a wank. I dodn't mind that he was married so he could use that as an excuse. All of this fueled his narcissism.

Go to Waterstones and get a good book on narcissism. Get one that therapists would use to diagnose the condition, not pop psycology.

Start therapy. Single people can go to Relate. That might be a good place to start, as it might put your mind at rest that the therapist is good.

This wont be a quick fix. It took me perhaps 6 months from my realisation to finally fall out of love with him. When I ended it he suggested one last shag. I said it wouldn't work anymore, the spell was broken. Because the great sex all came from me, it was because I was with my god who I wanted to please and adore and bloody worship! That was why it felt like an out of body experience. It was all wrapped up with loving a narcissist. I bet it would have been pretty mundane sex had I allowed one more time.

This man will keep returning to you while you let him. Read the book you buy today and it will tell you why. My man came back to me once after 7 years once- again because it was easy and because he could NOT because really he loved me back.

I wish I could remember the name of the book I read! It was small and part of a series on phycological conditions and was written to aid diagnosis.

I really really hope this helps, because my heart goes out to you, it really does. I know what hell you are living with.

For me the only way out of a similar situation was to take enough shit until my heart was properly broken. I had some fantastic counselling at the end of the relationship which has left me feeling amazing and self confident. I had got into the previous relationship when I was extremely vulnerable and put up with feeling like I was constantly in the wrong for far too long. No contact is the only way to go to.

Thanks for your post Loveka.

I am pretty sure this man is a narcissist to be honest. Everything I've read about it chimes with him and his behaviour.

It's interesting what you say about how you felt coming from you. I'd not thought of it like that.

I think from reading all this that I probably need to see a psychotherapist. I need to make the leap to do that I guess.

I know he doesn't love me and can't love me. But I want him to like me and not treat me in this terrible way.

tobery

For me the only way out of a similar situation was to take enough shit until my heart was properly broken.

I'm sorry to hear that. My heart has been broken repeatedly.
I get that it takes to rock bottom to get out though.

But how does one man get all these acolytes?

He's got to be exceptional to do this right?

No, he doesn’t. All he has to do is trail the bait. Many women will not bite at all and many more will take one bite and spit him back out as soon as they get a taste of what he’s really like. But that doesn’t matter to him because a few women will be hooked and those are the ones he’ll keep stringing along.

Think of him like one of those Nigerian email spammers. They’re not specially clever are they? Most people know those emails are a con and ignore them or add them to their spam filter. But a few vulnerable people get caught. And a few vulnerable people is all it takes for a spammer to make a living.

A therapist or counsellor could help you build a better real-life spam filter

Insofar as he can like anyone he probably does like you! When I left mine he bemoaned the loss of his best friend. Narcissists think that everything revolves around them; everything has to be done on their terms- so true 'liking' is not really possible for them. They haven't set out to be this way, in a sense when they behave badly it is not personal to you at all. They don't see anything wrong with disappearing for 3 months then turning up and expecting sex, because that is what they want in that moment.

When I dumped mine I told him I had had very deep feelings for him all those years. He said 'of course you did, I always knew that. I knew you'd always want me' in a really matter of fact way. That sums it up- in his world using someone is not wrong or hurtful, it's a way of getting what you want.

Oh and the other thing is narcissists are the hardest to 'change'- they think problems are everyone elses fault, others need to change not them! They will not even accept they are narcissists.

Mine also had other mistresses. He contacted old girlfriends etc to try and get a shag. He told me it was a numbers game. He saw nothing wrong with this.

Really wise words from everyone on here, some of it has hit (especially the "mimicry" point) home with me in a surprisingly strong way about a previous relationship, so thanks for that.

The bits you say about just wanting him to like you though, or wanting to look at him and feel ok. That's probably not going to happen ever. The key is to avoid that being a problem by:

a) accepting that he can't like you properly, any more than a snake or a scorpion can like you properly. He only understands using and hurting. Stop wishing for the absurd and impossible and start putting the responsibility for the "not liking" where it belongs - with HIM, the inadequate, subnormal sod. You are FINE and nice and have feelings. You're the decent, loving and loveable one.

b) accepting that you will probably never look at him and feel completely normal, and you just have to work around that by not seeing him or hearing about him as far as possible. The relationship that I mention above - I occasionally have to see or hear of the person, and even years later when this happens I still feel a sickening mixture of affection/betrayal/hurt/desire/anger etc etc name your emotion. It would be great of that didn't happen but it does, and it may never wear off. You just have to cope around it by not letting those feelings trigger you into damaging yourself, and limiting how often you have to encounter him.

I suppose that's the positive of being broken by cured of him: I never look at him and feel any kind of draw or flutter. Revulsion and trauma, yes, but no attraction of any kind.

Mind, I think knowledge goes a very long way to breaking the spell.

There was no knowledge of narcissism when I went through it (it's everywhere now). Except, at the very tail end, when I'd already, hallelujah, praise be, left him , I found a site by somebody called Sam Vaknin, himself a narc. At last I had found something that ticked all the boxes. Also have a look at Melanie Tonya Evans' site, op. A bit woo sometimes (but so what, we need every possible help).

I'm aware that my posts are unremittingly bleak and doom-laden. There really is no hope when it comes to narcs, unfortunately; there is nothing good or positive to be said of it.

He said 'of course you did, I always knew that. I knew you'd always want me' in a really matter of fact way

I think this man would say the same about me. But he'd be right.
Depressing.

accepting that you will probably never look at him and feel completely normal, and you just have to work around that by not seeing him or hearing about him as far as possible. . . It would be great of that didn't happen but it does, and it may never wear off

God this is even more depressing. Generally I can avoid him but because we work in the same field, occasionally I run into him unexpectedly.

Springydaffs - I will check out Melanie Tonya Evans.

I really want to STOP want him to love me/like me/want me. It doesn't seem to be wearing off. I haven't seen him or spoken to him for just over 2 months now and he is still all I think about. First thing when I wake up, last thing at night, all day basically.

It will wear off, but you will have to work on it. I know just how you are feeling now I was exacly the samr, thought of nothing else for about 3 years. Imagine how you will feel when your mind isn't taken up in this way, believe me it will be such a relief.

Start with a bit of reading abour narcissists. You need to want to have therapy to start it. I got so fed up with my obsession I just had to do something about it!

As this is a relationship problem Relate will help you. If you work in central London there is one on Harley Street that can be visited at lunchtime! They are in every town though.