Help to end an abusive OW non-relationship

[SelfLoathing]

I already hate myself so please don't attack me; every thing you would say I already have said to myself. But I need some help to get out.

I have been having an affair with a MM. I am single. I have never been an OW before. He is vile and emotionally abusive. Typical behaviour is extended silent treatment/cold shoulder/no contact after either any period of time when we've become more intimate (I don't mean sex, I mean more emotionally intimate/close) or if I ever disagree with him.

For some reason (I can only think it is sexual), I am obsessed with him. He is so self confident and successful. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. In other circumstances, I would say I was in love. But I can't be "in love" with someone who behave so unpleasantly can I? It's just an infatuation.

The pattern of our "non-relationship" is intense periods of him being very charming, taking me out, seducing me. Then something happens and he disappears. sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Then he re-appears and does it all again. When he wants (to have sex I guess) he is so charming - but it is super nova charm like I've never seen. It's all so focussed and directed on me and I keep falling for it. When I am with him I have the best time ever, we have tons in common and he makes me laugh.

It has taken a massive toll on my self esteem. I think he was originally attracted to me because I was attractive and self confident. I have put on masses of weight (comfort eating) and feel like no one else will ever want me. It's tiny things - like comments about my thighs being "a little bit too fat"; minor belittling of my achievements, acting like I'm amazing then disappearing. I know I'm not the only OW he is sleeping with.

I want to break this cycle and break free of this. It's not a relationship; it's not even a proper affair. But even though it's destroying me, I am so infatuated/ obsessed with him that I'm scared that I can't get out. & will fall back into the cycle.

I know this will sound ridiculous - because it obviously is - even I don't understand why this particular man has a such a fatal hold over me. I honestly don't get it - maybe it's an addiction to sex hormones or something. If I read this post I would just say "grow up and pull yourself together and go no contact", which is fair enough but I've tried this so many times, and some how he always weasels a tiny chink open and gets back in. His charm is extraordinary.

But I hate it all. I hate that he is married and has a wife. I hate I am part of that cheating. I hate what he is doing to my self esteem. I've come to loathe myself when I used to have it all. I wish he loved me and valued me.

My will power is so pathetically weak with him. Pathetic is the right word. How can I get out of this cycle?

Coming into this a bit late and have NCd for this.

I was in a very similar position a few years ago with a MM. He swept me off my feet, sending me poetry, declaring undying love, talking about marriage and children etc. It was so intense that I thought it was for real. He lived in another country so we didn't see each other much.

Our affair went on for 2 years and by the end of it, I was an emotional wreck with a drink problem because of his bullying and controlling behavior. He destoryed all my confidence and belief in myself. At first it was "because he cared so much about me and want the best for me", but this later turned into "because I had to do what he told me". He took offence at random tiny things he considered slights and refuse to speak to me for weeks, arrange to meet then find some fault with me so he could cancel. I was expected to basically be on call for him whenever he chose to ring and if I wasn't I'd be subjected to hours of emotional battering as he picked apart my whole personality. He did whatever he liked but I had to do whatever he told me. It sounds pathetic but he chipped away at my confidence and independence in so many small ways and in the end I was terrified of how he would react. I just wish I'd known about MN back then because I might have been able to identify his behavior and get out sooner.

There's loads more but I don't want to hijack your thread any more than necessary. Eventually, I finished it. He obviously went mad because it wasn't his decision, and there were all kinds of threats and harassment. From then on, I ignored any calls, blocked him on messenger and facebook. It was difficult at first but I hated myself for falling for it and I hated him for what he'd done to my life. Every now and again he would try and contact me and I just ignored it totally. I am a lot better now but not a day goes past when I don't regret ever getting involved with him.

selfloathing, I cannot emphasise enough that you need to find the strength to cut this man off from your life. If he tries to get back in touch, ignore it. The first couple of days will be hard as you write scathing emails in your head but after a bit you will realise that the best "fuck off" to him is no response at all when he snaps his fingers expecting you to come running.

Good luck and I hope you can move on.

The reason he boasted about your achievements in front of other people was to make him look good and to control you by being grateful for his crumbs of attention. He is the classic narcissist, he puts you on a pedestal to feel good about himself and then tears you down

I never thought of it like that. All I was thinking was "wow! you actually registered something that you had belittled and now are telling people how impressive I am". It was weird but in a sad way made me happy that he'd actually got the point that there are things about me that are awesome. I know that's dumb.

Misstaples

He took offence at random tiny things he considered slights and refuse to speak to me for weeks, arrange to meet then find some fault with me so he could cancel. I was expected to basically be on call for him whenever he chose to ring and if I wasn't I'd be subjected to hours of emotional battering as he picked apart my whole personality.

This is very very familiar to me. Although less the hours of emotional battering, more just = absolute silence, ignoring me.

Thank you for taking the trouble of naming changing and sharing this with me. it's good to feel others understand. If you have any advice about how you turned the corner, please do PM me.

And while I am about it, please can I say a massive THANK YOU to everyone who has responded to this thread with comments and advice. I've tried to reply to everyone but if I haven't, I've still read it all. I'm unbelievably touched and moved by how supportive everyone has been. I was expecting a wave of "you are an OW you deserve to burn in hell". I am so grateful for all the replies I've had. Everyone has been so kind and gentle with me.

I just wish I was out of this mindset of thinking he's like some sort of God. Even when I can rationally see he doesn't love me or value me, I still feel at core obsessed with him and things like seeing his friend bring it raging back to the surface.

What I want more than anything is to be able to look at him or think about him and to actually see and feel "this man is unpleasant and cruel and I have no interest in him"'; whereas the reality is that although a rational part of me knows this, it just does not compute. It's like "input crap" = "output: love/lust/worship/obsession". It is very upsetting how a part of me registers that my feelings are irrational but I still feel like I love him.

It's also so dumb how I got to this point of feeling like his approval of me, his even just liking me (forget about love) is the be all and end all. I still keep thinking "if I do x [fill in the blank: lose weight/achieve more/act cooler/act more interested etc etc] then maybe he will like me/love me/just be nice to me".

I know this will sound ridiculous - because it obviously is - even I don't understand why this particular man has a such a fatal hold over me.

You've built him up into some kind of prize, the only power he has over you is that which you give him. Would you regularly see girl friends who came out with the injurious comments he does.

Your self esteem will only continue to spiral down whilst you are involved with this man.
End it. You don't even need to tell him you are ending it. Change your phone number, block e-mails, ignore calls regain control over your life and emotions.
This is a self destructive situation, you know that, the sooner you cut him off dead the sooner your life will pick up.

I still keep thinking "if I do x [fill in the blank: lose weight/achieve more/act cooler/act more interested etc etc] then maybe he will like me/love me/just be nice to me".

Sorry if this sounds harsh... but you know this won't happen right?

Someone who treats you decently will treat you decently. This is based on their personality and moral code. Not on how much you weigh or what you have achieved.

I confess to being perplexed as to how you got into this way of thinking about a man, who as others have said, sounds really most unpleasant.

He sounds a charmless jerk. Write an ad " wanted, alpha male, must be player and very selfish etc"

Is that what you want? No. You don't really want him, it's just comfort somehow. Look at all aspects of your life, one by one, and get busy one step at a time. Fill your time.

Ignore him. If he texts you or contacts you, ignore him. you sound very nice. He, on the other hand, doesn't. He is going about his day and not caring he is fucking you over.

I had one of these and one day, when he came over, I said " what do you want? Because it's clearly not me. Is this fun for you? Really, I think it's enough now" and he spluttered a bit and said his stuff and I just looked at him and said " yes, but it's all rubbish, isn't it? Now, please just go" and he did.

When we have sex chemicals are released from the brain to bond us with our partner. Unfortunately that can mean it is possible feel bonded to someone who doesn't have our best interests at heart. It sounds like you have bonded on a strong physical level as well as an emotional one. That's maybe why it makes no sense but you still crave his physicality and presence. The only route would seem to go Cold Turkey and do your best to break the bonding cycle. Sounds like you haven't had sex with him or seen him for about two months; can you get some professional help to prevent you reestablishing your physical bond with a man who doesn't love you or even care about you?

Yes it's right I've built him up in my mind.

I haven't had sex with him or seen him for 2 months. Yet I think about him constantly. I was at work today so couldn't post here but thought about him all day. It's like I'm obsessed.

I mean I've always thought about him a lot but the last few days have been a bit panicky feeling since I saw his friend. Maybe it's because I always thought he'd get in touch and now he hasn't. I don't know. I'm just talking rubbish. On the one hand, I know he is evil and I need to break free from him. On the other, I'm obsessed, in love and miss him and want him to call me. Maybe a part of me wants it so I can have the upper hand and reject him.

I'm going to see if I can find some counselling to help me. I just want to feel better and be over this.

You need a healthy dose of self esteem.

You are not addicted to him, and sex is not that important that it is worth messing up any more of his wife and children's lifes never mind your own.

Be strong. Make the decision to move on and just do it.

I know it is hard when you want someone but he isn't yours, he isn't good for you and it is daft to act like you haven't got any free will to walk away.

Playing games and manipulating each other is not love, I think you are kidding yourself if you think you will get the upper hand. He has always had the upper hand and still has it because you want him but he doesn't want you (painful as that may be to hear consider it a blessing because this man is a lying adulterous bastard).

While you are obsessed with a callous, oblivious man you are preventing yourself from meeting someone who can really love and cherish you. A loving relationship is about reciprocality and this man is giving you nothing but pain and a deep sense of loss because he is totally unavailable and always will be.

Face it your whole reason to be together has been sexual and nothing more.

For me it was a lot more than sexual and that is part of the problem. I've never met anyone like him. This makes little sense as I see his character flaws but I honestly worship him. We get on so well and I wish I could be more like him. I admire his self confidence and charm so much. When I'm with him I have the best time ever, I'm almost high with happiness after I see him. I walk round for days with a smile on my face. And it definitely isn't just sex related, just getting an email from him makes me smile goofily.

I know that this is all appalling because he is another woman's husband and I'm not glorifying it. And I know that I must stay no contact with him. I'm just saying that from my point of view this definitely wasn't just sex. I've never felt so intensely about anyone.

I find it difficult to reconcile how we have such a great time - and he seems to too - with his cold shoulder/emotional abuse behaviour.
For him it was obviously just sex and the other stuff (dinner, theatre, galleries etc) was just a means to an end.

I feel so so worthless that someone I could feel so strongly about thinks nothing of me. Even on a friendship level. I'd never treat a friend of mine the way he has treated me.

It really hurts when you want someone who doesn't want you. Many of us will have been in that scenario but fgs wake up. How can you worship such a pathetic person? I have been with my husband for over 18 years and love him very much, and are still in love with him as much as ever, but I would never say I worshipped him. He isn't a God. He is a normal person with faults but whatever they are they don't involve using me, breaking my heart, making me feel like shit or bringing pain into my life.

"I'd never treat....." EXACTLY. So stop letting him!

OP you're hanging in there because you want his approval he's never going to give it.
It doesn't even sound like an affair to me, you are just someone he drops by to fuck every few weeks or months.

"I find it difficult to reconcile how we have such a great time - and he seems to too - with his cold shoulder/emotional abuse behaviour."

Because you are only there to stroke his ego, when he is enjoying himself everything is wonderful. When you make any demands on him you immediately become an irritant and a downer because he has no empathy for you whatsoever. He doesn't see you in your own right, only as you relate to him and how you make him feel. He will continue to use you and abuse you (unless he's already bored with you) until you are a shell of your former self.

He has no interest in your needs - your only purpose is to meet his needs. Full stop.

This thread has made me think of this Wendy Cope poem:

Two Cures For Love.

1. Don't see him. Don't phone or write a letter.
2. The easy way: get to know him better.

Good luck - am sure you will get there.

I have been in a similar relationship in the past although neither of us was married. I eventually got the will to get out when I ruined a good friendship over it and generally got so sick of the drama and not being able to relax. I think you can do this.

On finding a therapist, try through the professional body. I understand that members have to meet training and professional requirements. This should allay some of your concerns, but remember the right therapist will be a matter of personality and style match too. www.bacp.co.uk

There is nothing you can say or do that will make him feel differently. Trust me, I also thought if I just found the right words & let him walk all over me then he would treat me better. It doesn't work. He treats you like this because he is a twat and nothing you do or say will change that.

it was very hard to turn that corner but one of the things that kept me going was that I knew ignoring him would piss him off and signal my lack of interest better than any conversation or e-mail. It was fine for him to ignore me if he decided he didn't like saomething I said or did but when I did it it drove him crazy. I just ignored every attempt he made at contact and eventually he stopped and I got on with my life.

Very different circumstances, but I was obsessed with a man, many many years ago. For various reasons, I knew it was not going to work, but it bloody hurt at the time. I could not stop thinking about him, and he also dripped contact (the odd call or email) when I was puttung him out of my head.

In the end, I think I just gave myself a huge talking to. I did not want to waste my life.

I did all the obvious stuff - took up hobbies; threw myself into work; went out on mad nights out; spent nights in detoxing; read self help books.

I got there, and am a much stronger person for it. He popped up on facebook the other day (a friend request after 20 years!). A felt a slight tug of annoyance, and blocked him.

Good luck and stay strong!

It was fine for him to ignore me if he decided he didn't like saomething I said or did but when I did it it drove him crazy. I just ignored every attempt he made at contact and eventually he stopped and I got on with my life.

I can imagine he would be like this. It's fine for him to ignore my emails or messages but if I don't respond to his immediately, he will complain by email and then phone. It's like "I want to see you now" so you MUST respond.

He will continue to use you and abuse you (unless he's already bored with you) until you are a shell of your former self.

I wouldn't say I'm a shell of my former self. But I'm definitely not quite the same. I feel very unattractive and I think I've become a bit down (depressed is overstating it) so I don't feel like (eg. going to the gym or being active) doing things I used to do.

He probably is bored with me - or at least decided I'm not worth bothering with because our last contact was me objecting to a spectacularly abusive piece of behaviour.

I really find it difficult to reconcile my emotions towards him with the actual facts. Even I can logically see he is a total bstrd towards me. And women generally I think. He only cares about himself. But yet still I have these feelings of love. I think it's mostly based on how perfect he was at the start of this - like my ideal man.

Thanks for sharing your story Sunnyrosegarden and lambzig for the link.

I really wish I felt better. :(
I feel permanently sad.

Him as an 'ideal man' never existed.

He hates you and he is making you hate yourself so you'll stay at his beck and call. Look at the username you chose for yourself! He is making you feel sad.

You deserve better than this prick.

He hates you

What do you mean he hates me?
Well I understand what that means - I guess I mean why do you say he hates me? Why would he hate me? What have I done to make him hate me?

It's not kind to post something like that and then not reply to explain what you mean. This is horrible enough as it is without being made to think he hates me. I get he doesn't love me, but hates me?

I think it was meant that he has contempt for you - he shows you zero respect.

IME "charm" is what abusive wankers use to get their way/manipulate people & hide their true self.

I am now always very suspicious of men who "charm". Charm is not worth your admiration. Freelng yourself from admiring his charm will be an important step.

OP can you try and connect with the woman you were before you were involved with this creep - get her to get you as you are today to get a grip, and free yourself from this disaster of a relationship. Even if he wasn't married, any relationship that has such destructive consequences for YOU isn't worth it.

It is entirely down to you, and within your power to end it, cut contact and start reclaiming your life and self.

As for the "he hates you" comment, you only have to look to the way he treats you to see that he probably hates you, or at best feels contempt. Please don't turn it on yourself - "Why would he hate me? What have I done to make him hate me?" You don't have to have 'done' anything to make him hate you. But his actions aren't those of love or even like are they?

He's on a power trip with you, and possibly/probably with every woman in his life. You are simply one disposable woman in what is probably a long line.

There is a website called www.baggaereclaim.com which might help.

I'm not sure wondering why all the time is good for you really. It's stopping you moving on. Tell yourself firmly " because he's a fuckwit" or " No, no more thinking about him- he's a fuckwit" and do something else.

I don't think he hates you, he is onto new conquests though, but it doesn't really matter tbh. you're trying to hold water in your hands.

Free yourself from thinking about him and address the other areas of your life which surely must need attention, you've listed things yourself, fitness, so go to a class or something every night. go to something like a comedy night with a girlfriend and then home. Lay off the drink if you drink. Update your cv - is there anything that should be taking precedence in your life, and you are avoiding it?

Please don't turn it on yourself - "Why would he hate me? What have I done to make him hate me?" You don't have to have 'done' anything to make him hate you. But his actions aren't those of love or even like are they?

That's definitely true. Basically, really ignorant rude behaviour. I suppose that before this was always on/off so I'd just got used to him coming back. And now its been so long (just over 2 months) that I'm realising this is really it - and although this was my decision to have no contact with him - I kind of miss the opportunity to ignore his attempts at contact and feel like he knows I have the upper hand.

I suppose he could re-surface in a few months when he is bored - and this lack of finality/open endedness is playing on my mind. I think because this is about the longest period I've never heard from him.

Turning it on myself is a big issue. It's all approval driven. if I was better/prettier/wealthier/thinner, maybe then he'd love me. I think maybe I'm just unlovable.

is there anything that should be taking precedence in your life, and you are avoiding

Relationships really!