Help to end an abusive OW non-relationship

[SelfLoathing]

I already hate myself so please don't attack me; every thing you would say I already have said to myself. But I need some help to get out.

I have been having an affair with a MM. I am single. I have never been an OW before. He is vile and emotionally abusive. Typical behaviour is extended silent treatment/cold shoulder/no contact after either any period of time when we've become more intimate (I don't mean sex, I mean more emotionally intimate/close) or if I ever disagree with him.

For some reason (I can only think it is sexual), I am obsessed with him. He is so self confident and successful. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. In other circumstances, I would say I was in love. But I can't be "in love" with someone who behave so unpleasantly can I? It's just an infatuation.

The pattern of our "non-relationship" is intense periods of him being very charming, taking me out, seducing me. Then something happens and he disappears. sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Then he re-appears and does it all again. When he wants (to have sex I guess) he is so charming - but it is super nova charm like I've never seen. It's all so focussed and directed on me and I keep falling for it. When I am with him I have the best time ever, we have tons in common and he makes me laugh.

It has taken a massive toll on my self esteem. I think he was originally attracted to me because I was attractive and self confident. I have put on masses of weight (comfort eating) and feel like no one else will ever want me. It's tiny things - like comments about my thighs being "a little bit too fat"; minor belittling of my achievements, acting like I'm amazing then disappearing. I know I'm not the only OW he is sleeping with.

I want to break this cycle and break free of this. It's not a relationship; it's not even a proper affair. But even though it's destroying me, I am so infatuated/ obsessed with him that I'm scared that I can't get out. & will fall back into the cycle.

I know this will sound ridiculous - because it obviously is - even I don't understand why this particular man has a such a fatal hold over me. I honestly don't get it - maybe it's an addiction to sex hormones or something. If I read this post I would just say "grow up and pull yourself together and go no contact", which is fair enough but I've tried this so many times, and some how he always weasels a tiny chink open and gets back in. His charm is extraordinary.

But I hate it all. I hate that he is married and has a wife. I hate I am part of that cheating. I hate what he is doing to my self esteem. I've come to loathe myself when I used to have it all. I wish he loved me and valued me.

My will power is so pathetically weak with him. Pathetic is the right word. How can I get out of this cycle?

Darling lady. Please pursue counselling. Get a professional perspective on this and start realising that this supposedly enthralling man is an abusive shit who does not love you.

Put all of that energy into learning about yourself. Discover what makes you happy and how to feel that you're worth something because of what's inside, not crawling about for crumbs of validation from someone who treats you like that.

Take control. You deserve it. And it's right under your nose.

I wish you well in your recovery and discovery.

self-loathing your intelligence and your articulate communication won't help you in this situation because this is an assault on your emotions and an assault on your self-esteem, it's not a question mark over your intelligence.

SOmething that might help: build a mental picture of him sitting on the loo. Skidmarked pants round his ankles, loud fart noises, He's not washed for a few days, his hair's greasy, he's got a few zits, and he's sat there dumping away, picking his nose and occasionally fiddling with his limp willy.
Every time you find yourself thinking of him with longing, bring that picture to mind. He will start to seem rather less appealing.

Self-loathing, please think about getting some psychotherapy sessions. I only had sessions but it has changed my life. They were hard work. I didn't particularly enjoy the sessions. I'm not the sort of person that has psychotherapy by the way! my mother rolled her eyes (actually, that's a whole other thread). But I was a people pleaser. I hadn't been able to focus on what it was I wanted. What I wanted was a blurred line between what I thought I OUGHT to want and what I thought other people wanted me to want and what they themselves might want. aye aye aye it was exhausting.

8 sessions, I had 8. left out the number!

It's not really a challenge though OP, a challenge is something that requires hard work but gives a reward

It's sort of like those experiments with rats - what's it called? Intermittent reward or something. where the rats get some food if they push a lever occasionally, and end up obsessively pushing the lever.

The pattern is I back off, tell him I'm busy, avoid him etc etc. and then he ups his pursuit, is super charming etc. And there is the reward - the reward is attention, affection, this super charm of "you're the centre of my universe", let me take you out, lavish my interest on you, then of course - insanely hot sex. And that's all fine for a while, but then he just goes cold - typically if I "do something wrong".

surelytemple

Self-loathing, please think about getting some psychotherapy sessions. I only had sessions but it has changed my life.

Is there someone you would recommend? Or anyone else?

SolidGoldBrass - LOL. esp "and occasionally fiddling with his limp willy."

Obsessive thinking can be helped by "mindfulness". There are a couple of great books out there. It helps you to think about something else and stop the circular thinking. Try these two "The Mindful path through worry and rumination" or "the mindful way through depression"

If you are currently NC with him then it needs to stay that way. Do as others have said, change your number, block his number and email.

Get that counselling and work on loving yourself.

Well, maybe your gp could recommend somebody. I ended up kind of stumbling in to it. My dd was seeing somebody and they felt it would benefit me to "talk to somebody". before I knew it I was having psychotherapy. And I almost panicked, as though, no no no this is too dramatic, I can't do this. But I'm glad I stuck with it. I'm glad she was a woman too. I think women understand the issues better and I was able to be honest with her.

Also, I didn't immediately realise that the sessions had really helped me. On the last session I remember thinking i didn't feel much different, but over time, when I'd had various real life tricky situations 'test' me, I realised i'd handled them better, by reacting differently, not defending myself, not justifying my decisions, just basically not explainning myself all the time!

Hi OP,

I was also an OW to an abusive man for nearly 8 years( though he was abusive in other ways). Have you looked at the Freedom Programme? Someone on here suggested it to me and it's been useful for me as it convinced me that his behaviour was totally shit and subjecting myself to it was doing myself a great disservice.

It's taking a lot of effort to get out of his clutches so I know how you feel.

I have the self esteem and eating problems too, I am sure they contribute to my crap relationships. I am seeing a counsellor. The BACP suggestion is good. Alternatively you can try Mind, they offer counselling but tend to have very long waiting lists. In the end I went for a charity in my area, I felt more comfortable with an organisation than just picking someone who ran their own counselling service. So it might be worth googling counselling foundations in your area.

or google psychotherapists in your area. I just looked and mine is on linked in.

yes, great idea! i never did that, but the freedom programme addresses all of these issues.

OP I do want him to love me but not because it proves I can obtain a high status man. I think it's more because somehow I've got into a situation where I feel like his approval really matters, that if someone that amazing thinks SO little of me, I much be really, really sh.it.

You will not the first and certainly wont be the last to like a challenge.
Again you don't really love him but you want someone of his STATUS and Alphaness to approve of you, not just anyone.

That is why its just a challenge.
Like I've mentioned before, you need to be ready to fall in love.
And by that I don't mean to cling on to the next 'beta' because he is a safe option, but you need to be ready to open up emotionally to someone.

No - I don't know the freedom programme, never heard of it. What is it?

I'm very sceptical about psychotherapy and counselling generally so wouldn't want to see anyone who wasn't personally recommended. Googling for services is unreliable even for a window cleaner, let a lone something to do with your mind! I definitely don't want to speak to my gp about this at all.

You have to change your number/email address/ however else he contacts you. You don't have to tell him, just do it.

If you don't have the willpower to be strong when he is interested then you must remove as many ways for him to contact you and find ways to protect yourself when you aren't under the bright spot light of his abusive bullshit.

You are being abused. THIS man is doing his best to destroy you - like an awful drug - and like a drug you need to a) stop taking them b) get help to do so.

What could you do practically apart from changing numbers? Get busy. New hobby, new friends, online dating, a holiday, exercise, study. In other words live your best life.

KateyGee
It's taking a lot of effort to get out of his clutches so I know how you feel.

How did you start this process?

I don't know if the alpha/beta categorisation thing isn't a total red herring here. There is no real status in being the ow of a controlling selfish man. I think intelligent women see that there is (incidentally) more status to being happy rather than appearing to be happy.

Get busy. New hobby, new friends, online dating, a holiday, exercise, study. In other words live your best life.

Thanks digger. This all sounds good but easier said than done. I used to exercise a lot but feel so unfit and crappy that starting again seems like a mountain

re: suggestions of changing contact info

He will always be able to get hold of me because he knows where I work and has my work email. I can't change that and our fire wall only allows blocking by putting it into junk mail, rather than no contact. Plus he could always call me at work. The only option is to not respond.

I mean this kindly but you are putting barriers in front of helping yourself. You don't want to take the easiest option (but most emotionally difficult) of telling his wife. You don't want to use a counsellor unless they are directly recommended. You could ask your gp to recommend someone without having to say why ("I think I would benefit from some therapy, I don't want to discuss why with you as it's very private, is there someone you could recommend?")

Again, kindly asked, but of the many good suggestions on this thread what are you willing to do?

Could you go on holiday without your phone for two weeks? Do you have children?

I really don't mean that in a cruel way btw. you are absolutely being abused and need to be protected from that. :)

yes, telling his wife won't help you.

Don't walk towards drama. His circus, his monkeys

Go on holiday, because you deserve a holiday right? Take a few books on self-esteem with you. Don't worry about your weight for now. One thing at a time. Feeling crappy about your weight is just another dollop of self-loathing. SO, go easy on the self-loathing! deal with things one at a time. Your weight can be addressed when you're feeling more positive. Why don't you go away for a while without your phone. get stuck in to those books. When you get back to work then hopefully youl'll have the distance required to press delete.

That's all it takes, honestly. His "extraordinary charm" is not a magic spell. It's just that you were ripe to be sucked in.

Does the fact that he rejects you pull you in more? Something emotional is clearly at work here and it may not be specifically about him. Perhaps your childhood?