Help to end an abusive OW non-relationship

[SelfLoathing]

I already hate myself so please don't attack me; every thing you would say I already have said to myself. But I need some help to get out.

I have been having an affair with a MM. I am single. I have never been an OW before. He is vile and emotionally abusive. Typical behaviour is extended silent treatment/cold shoulder/no contact after either any period of time when we've become more intimate (I don't mean sex, I mean more emotionally intimate/close) or if I ever disagree with him.

For some reason (I can only think it is sexual), I am obsessed with him. He is so self confident and successful. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. In other circumstances, I would say I was in love. But I can't be "in love" with someone who behave so unpleasantly can I? It's just an infatuation.

The pattern of our "non-relationship" is intense periods of him being very charming, taking me out, seducing me. Then something happens and he disappears. sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Then he re-appears and does it all again. When he wants (to have sex I guess) he is so charming - but it is super nova charm like I've never seen. It's all so focussed and directed on me and I keep falling for it. When I am with him I have the best time ever, we have tons in common and he makes me laugh.

It has taken a massive toll on my self esteem. I think he was originally attracted to me because I was attractive and self confident. I have put on masses of weight (comfort eating) and feel like no one else will ever want me. It's tiny things - like comments about my thighs being "a little bit too fat"; minor belittling of my achievements, acting like I'm amazing then disappearing. I know I'm not the only OW he is sleeping with.

I want to break this cycle and break free of this. It's not a relationship; it's not even a proper affair. But even though it's destroying me, I am so infatuated/ obsessed with him that I'm scared that I can't get out. & will fall back into the cycle.

I know this will sound ridiculous - because it obviously is - even I don't understand why this particular man has a such a fatal hold over me. I honestly don't get it - maybe it's an addiction to sex hormones or something. If I read this post I would just say "grow up and pull yourself together and go no contact", which is fair enough but I've tried this so many times, and some how he always weasels a tiny chink open and gets back in. His charm is extraordinary.

But I hate it all. I hate that he is married and has a wife. I hate I am part of that cheating. I hate what he is doing to my self esteem. I've come to loathe myself when I used to have it all. I wish he loved me and valued me.

My will power is so pathetically weak with him. Pathetic is the right word. How can I get out of this cycle?

You don't want to take the easiest option (but most emotionally difficult) of telling his wife.

I don't think this is unreasonable. It reflects badly on me in all sorts of ways. Apart from the other reasons I've given, as I've already said, he works in the same world as me and is powerful. He would destroy me as a bunny boiler if I did this. Besides, I think she knows what he gets up to generally.

You don't want to use a counsellor unless they are directly recommended.

Again, don't think this is unreasonable.

You could ask your gp to recommend someone without having to say why

The request would still get recorded in your medical records. For essential reasons, I cannot have any kind of psychiatric problems or suggestions in my medical records.

Again, kindly asked, but of the many good suggestions on this thread what are you willing to do?

I think counselling or psychotherapy sounds like a good idea and I will investigate this.

I would add that the other stuff (long holidays, no contact, new hobbies) etc I've tried before. This has been going on for a long time. I have just been repeatedly pathetically weak. And each time it seems harder and harder to drag myself out of the cycle. probably because each time my self esteem is lower and lower.

Surel I agree his Alphaness is very very much a draw

Digger sorry the OP is NOT being abused. Saying she's being abused is victim mentality and makes it out as if she is helpless.
He is simply being nice when he wants a shag and being his normal self when he gets what he wants.
On the hand Self is letting him do it because of his status, she wants him to eventually fall in love and probably the sex is good.

This isn't a unique situation,

Well, there's nothing to fear from the freedom programme. if one to one psychotherapy scares you, then I think freedom programme is done in 'group'.

it's just teaching you a different way to think, a better way to react. There's nothing self-indulgent or LA about it. In fact people who've done a bit of work on themselves are probably easier friends to have!

Does the fact that he rejects you pull you in more? Something emotional is clearly at work here and it may not be specifically about him. Perhaps your childhood?

I'd never thought about rejection pulling me in more. But it may be about winning approval. I had a lovely childhood but came from a family where high achieving was prized. The more I achieved, the more I felt I was valued. It wasn't abusive or anything but a sense of the better you did, the better you were as a person.

Could be something to do with that.

In time not seeing him will stop you obsessing over him. It doesn't seem like it will but in time you will just start to care less. But you absolutely cannot have contact with him.
Why are you sceptical of counselling? What reasons do have for being sceptical of it?

and probably the sex is good.

Understatement. This is a big part of it I think. Some weird chemical draw.
He smells so "right" as well which I've never known.

Arsetide, what? why are you determined to categorise men in to two columns 'alpha' and 'beta'. It is really missing the point.

He's treating her badly, whatever label you want to put on that. The vast majority of men are neither alpha nor beta.

My x might have behaved in a way that he hoped other people perceived to be Alpha but he had no real self-esteem whatsoever. He inflated it temporarily by creating drama or by upsetting other people. So, not an Alpha, just a selfish uncompromising user that takes and takes from everybody in his orbit. I think the OP's MM is like this.

The label 'alpha' is simplistic and neither here nor there.

Why are you sceptical of counselling? What reasons do have for being sceptical of it?

Partly because any unqualified fool can claim to be a counsellor, partly because of my background and outlook and partly because I know people who have had some bad, actively damaging experiences with counsellors.

it's not like crystal meth fgs self loathing.

it's not a chemical addiction. It's you squaring up to be treated the way you believe you deserve to be treated.

There are other men out there. I think when you have 'repaired' yourself a bit (sorry if that sounds horribly patronising) you will find sex with a decent easy going man that actually enjoys your company, and can give as well as take............ you won't go back

Fair enough Arsenal. It's not something I have experience about or knowledge of so accept being told I'm wrong. Pp had mentioned it up thread and the poster sounds (to me) very much like other posters on other threads who are un married but stuck in abusive relationships and finding it hard to leave.

However, the cycle of him being ultra charming and then freezing her out coupled with the oPs self confessed now very low self esteem does sound somewhat abusive to me. As I said I don't have first hand or professional experience of abuse - just like many posters on the relationships board I imagine - so I'm happy to be corrected and apologise for any offense unintentional given.

Anyway op, day is starting here. Good luck whatever happens.

Well bring in the big guns then. Go straight to the top. Go for psychotherapy with a female psychotherapist. Your issue is low self-esteem. It's not a complicated one. It's their bread and butter.

I don't know that many people who've had psychotherapy tbh but the few I know who've had it have found it beneficial. I think in America in the 80s, anybody could set themselves up with a bit of plinky plonk whale music in the back ground and call themselves a therapist, but things are more regulated here and if your gp refers you to somebody then that person won't be a quack.

Another issue is you put obstacles before your own recovery.

I see my OLD self in you.

It does feel like an addiction to be honest. I know that sounds crazy.

You're going to have to put some work in.

Good luck

Don't pin your future happiness on an addiction.

It's taking a lot of effort to get out of his clutches so I know how you feel.
How did you start this process?

Honestly, it was posting on here after I felt like I was having a breakdown and wanting to be dead. It was only about a month ago so it's early days, but I got some good advice. The best was to stop engaging, which in turn has helped me to gradually stop contact.

I have had various types of psychotherapy for half my life but they have either been unsuitable or too short term. I have never had any bad experiences as such though (although counselling isn't for everyone and I can see how it could be damaging if the counsellor is unprofessional).

I did the online Freedom Programme which only costs £10 (the group one did not appeal). I don't know how appropriate it is for all abusive relationships, but for mine where I had no legal or financial ties to the man it did make me think "why am I punishing myself?"

Thanks KateeGee

What does the online Freedom programme involved?

Do you have any tips about finding a psychotherapist? What types are there? I know nothing about this.

I always think its best to know than thinking you are happy and everyone else knows or he leads a double life. I would want to know despite the hurt it causes.

I know people keep saying that I should tell his wife but as I've said above I have reason to believe that his wife knows what he is like generally and has caught him before. He shags around so much and from what I can tell is so often on his own without his wife, that I seriously doubt that she doesn't suspect having caught him before.

Anyway, I've no intention of telling her for the reasons I said earlier.

I agree that telling his wife is not a great idea. For one thing it is pitching you right back into the dramatic mess that is his life when what you want/need to do is cut him right out of your headspace.
I know a couple of good therapists, would you like me to PM their details to you? They are both women, both personal friends of mine and both properly qualified.

I second the Freedom programme. It really helped my friend to become more assertive and not be treated like a doormat by her XH or anyone else for that matter. She is now happy in her own skin and doesn't need a man to complete her life, although she is seeing somebody, it is on her terms.

Regarding therapists try this link for people in your area

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I have just used it to check in my area and several have come up who I have heard of, so it would appear to be a genuine reputable site. Also try your local council's website, as mine has an area for mental health and you may find somebody that way.

You could probably change your work email if you asked your employer.

The main thing is that you need to build yourself up mentally, in order to be able to ignore any future contact from him

SolidGoldBrass

Yes please I would appreciate any recommendations. Please do PM them to me.

skye

I can't change my work email. We have a corporate standard that is all the same (initials etc). Besides, He's not actually harassing me - so it would be a bit weird having to explain why. I haven't heard from him in 2 months as I said. This is just me obsessing about him, feeling as if I'm totally in love with this man and the fear of getting back into the cycle.

I agree with what someone said above, I don't think you would really have anything to gain by telling her.

The online FP is like an online workbook, you also get access to a book called "Living with the Dominator" which defines a number of abusive types (which had me thinking 'I recognise that... and that... and that" which was horrible but made me realise I cannot continue). But it's just a way of sitting down and really looking at how abusive your situation is, so you can have a better grounding to get out of it.

I don't know how to find a good counsellor to be honest, as none of the ones I have had have been particularly bad. My first therapy experience was through the NHS as a teen, and that wasn't really helpful. I used a uni counsellor once when I was a student, and then I had 8 or so sessions with a counselling service provided by my employer. I used up my quota, so they gave me a list of other providers. They weren't really good for me location-wise, so I googled similar sounding names with my home town and ended up finding a decent and fairly priced service. But a lot of it might be trial and error, don't be afraid to try out a counsellor/psychiatrist and move on if you don't quite gel with them. One therapist's approach might be great for one person but atrocious for another. Does your employer offer any support? They might have a list of services.

Or look at this page on the Mind website www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-treatments/#.VDumuRYw-dA

Change your phone number and make it so you have no way of checking the old number (get a new sim and chuck the old one). Change your email address and/or block his email. Block him from facebook. Do NOT allow yourself to keep checking to see if he's contacted you. Make a lot of weekend plans so you can't be available to him. Every day you need to remind yourself of your resolve.

If your self esteem only comes from men, sign up to some free internet dating websites and enjoy the email flirtation that comes with them. You might even get to go on a few dates - choose wisely!

Come on woman - you CAN resist, your choose not to. Choose to ignore the vile man.

The reason he boasted about your achievements in front of other people was to make him look good and to control you by being grateful for his crumbs of attention. He is the classic narcissist, he puts you on a pedestal to feel good about himself and then tears you down. The giveaway is blaming you when he disappears. You are being an idiot to let him treat you this way - it's even affecting your health. How many other women has he got stashed away? I hope you get tested for STDs regularly. Sorry you are suffering but it is self-inflicted.