Help to end an abusive OW non-relationship

[SelfLoathing]

I already hate myself so please don't attack me; every thing you would say I already have said to myself. But I need some help to get out.

I have been having an affair with a MM. I am single. I have never been an OW before. He is vile and emotionally abusive. Typical behaviour is extended silent treatment/cold shoulder/no contact after either any period of time when we've become more intimate (I don't mean sex, I mean more emotionally intimate/close) or if I ever disagree with him.

For some reason (I can only think it is sexual), I am obsessed with him. He is so self confident and successful. I wish I could be more like him in some ways. In other circumstances, I would say I was in love. But I can't be "in love" with someone who behave so unpleasantly can I? It's just an infatuation.

The pattern of our "non-relationship" is intense periods of him being very charming, taking me out, seducing me. Then something happens and he disappears. sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Then he re-appears and does it all again. When he wants (to have sex I guess) he is so charming - but it is super nova charm like I've never seen. It's all so focussed and directed on me and I keep falling for it. When I am with him I have the best time ever, we have tons in common and he makes me laugh.

It has taken a massive toll on my self esteem. I think he was originally attracted to me because I was attractive and self confident. I have put on masses of weight (comfort eating) and feel like no one else will ever want me. It's tiny things - like comments about my thighs being "a little bit too fat"; minor belittling of my achievements, acting like I'm amazing then disappearing. I know I'm not the only OW he is sleeping with.

I want to break this cycle and break free of this. It's not a relationship; it's not even a proper affair. But even though it's destroying me, I am so infatuated/ obsessed with him that I'm scared that I can't get out. & will fall back into the cycle.

I know this will sound ridiculous - because it obviously is - even I don't understand why this particular man has a such a fatal hold over me. I honestly don't get it - maybe it's an addiction to sex hormones or something. If I read this post I would just say "grow up and pull yourself together and go no contact", which is fair enough but I've tried this so many times, and some how he always weasels a tiny chink open and gets back in. His charm is extraordinary.

But I hate it all. I hate that he is married and has a wife. I hate I am part of that cheating. I hate what he is doing to my self esteem. I've come to loathe myself when I used to have it all. I wish he loved me and valued me.

My will power is so pathetically weak with him. Pathetic is the right word. How can I get out of this cycle?

Another one here who recognises the dynamic of loving someone to obsession, despite knowing that the relationship ultimately damaging. I spent 10 years deeply deeply in love with someone who made me feel as your man does for you.

In the end, what helped me to break free was ironically, quite a mundane thing. I went to my grandfather's funeral and I stood on my own, whilst other people had someone to support them. I felt very very alone and suddenly realised that I deserved more than he could, or would, ever give me. I didn't want to be that person any more, loving him intensely but cut off from ordinary life.

I had tried to break free many times before but found the strength to stick it out this time - I knew that I had given everything I had and everything I was and it was clear that it would never be enough. I didn't get a therapist, but it would have been easier I think if I had. I did have a very good GP who supported me through the worst time, just after I broke it off with him for good. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus on work, and so went to see/confided in my GP.

It was haaaard. I still remember the incredible pain of cutting the bond - like severing my own umbilical cord. I felt utterly dependent upon him for happiness or joy, but also realised that I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I did not expect to ever be so happy again, my target was just to set myself free and to cope, alone, but I also realised that I would not have to struggle with such pain.

I had to go cold turkey, which was very very tough. but essential as I knew even years later even the thought of bumping into him made my heart race. I changed job and changed area to move away.

It was honestly 100% worth it.

PS totally agree with whomever said above that you can take control of this situation - of your life - now. He has been manipulating and controlling you and your emotions. Even if you don't get chance to end it with him, you can tell yourself that that is what you are doing. When you book that appointment at Relate, or with a therapist, you are taking the first step to setting yourself free.

I do not judge you. This must be so incredibly hard.

I really want to STOP want him to love me/like me/want me. It doesn't seem to be wearing off. I haven't seen him or spoken to him for just over 2 months now and he is still all I think about. First thing when I wake up, last thing at night, all day basically.

Would a course of CBT help do you think with this?

I'm concerned you may be wanting a space to talk about him. Which would make us enablers...

re CBT. very worthwhile lifeskills to learn but ime won't cover something like this in its entirely iyswim.

I was also in a stupid relationship and my wakeup call was when I came back from the states and he wasn't available to pick me up from the airport. Mundane but in a way not.

I think one mistake you are making is to think that there is something special about him. You talk like he is some kind of demi-god with 'supernova charm'!! Girl, pur-lease! He's not all that. You know that rationally or you'd never have been able to write your original post.

This isn't about him. It's about you. It's about why you feel so bloody awful about yourself that you don't feel you're worthy of more than this casual and dismissive attitude. It's about why you talk about a grown adult relationship like a teenager talks about Harry Styles. It's about why you are committed to a course that is disastrous for your self-esteem and self-respect.

You are setting yourself up to fail and to hurt. Who needs enemies when you have that voice inside your own head undermining you more effectively than anyone outside ever could?

I seriously recommend that you see a counsellor, because this isn't a relationship - it's pure, self-destructive behaviour on your part and it will drag you down further than you think it's possible to fall.

I'm concerned you may be wanting a space to talk about him. Which would make us enablers...

This is 100% not the case at all. I just was looking for some advice as I feel at my wits end. I don't need a space to talk about him because I talk about him in my head most of the day.

re CBT. very worthwhile lifeskills to learn but ime won't cover something like this in its entirely iyswim

I don't know much about CBT at all. Telltaleheart -why did you suggest it? how would it help me? springydaffs why do you think it won't help.

Thanks to whoever suggested thinking about the Demi-God with the Nigerian spammer analogy approach of just a numbers game (sorry I was in the middle of writing this and was on a different page). I've found that really helpful actually. I get that. It kind of makes me feel bad - as being the spammer idiot and also that he never really liked me at all - but it's helpful in trying to focus on the fact he is not this extraordinary man who has women falling at his feet.

Good. I'm glad your focus is on getting well. Just checking.

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy (you probably know this, it is quite a buzzword as it is popular with the NHS because of its relatively quick effects = cheap). It addresses how we think about events we are facing (and our thoughts/beliefs ultimately steer). Learning to identify and challenge how we are thinking, therefore what we are believing, is a powerful tool to loosening dysfunctional beliefs, therefore behaviour. Eg you think, therefore believe, your man is a god and that you are powerless to resist his powers. CBT would challenge both that he is a god and also that his powers are greater than yours. So CBT could be a powerful tool to loosen the hold of the beliefs that keep you bound.

Personally (and there is considerable debate about this), I think there's more to it than that. Ie what, aside from his obviously considerable charms, hooked you in. I would say there is history t

sorry about that. was typing on a crap tablet that plain gave up the ghost.

I would say there is history to this ie it has happened before, or something like it. Probably in childhood ie craving affirmation, craving to be loved, even liked. So along comes the prince of charm and he slots straight into that void that wasn't filled when it should have been. We don't even see the difference, don't see he is fake.

There is 'considerable debate' about this because the jury is out on whether those depths need to be plumbed, neat, rooting around in childhood. But I would say that until the root is exposed and pulled out [and we are loved to life], the same aching void will only invite more of the same in the future. Tis how it happened in the first place: he may be charm itself - and we may all, up to a point, feel we are not fully loved and are therefore all vulnerable to blasts of impossible charm - but the healthy loved-enough may initially be pulled in but will quite quickly, as a pp said, spit him and his charm out, recognising it for the poison it is. You (and I) didn't because we were blind to the fault in our development that made us a sitting duck for someone like this.

CBT may unearth this - eg why did we fall for what is clearly seduction that has not a drop of our wellbeing at its root; why would we overlook our wellbeing and willingly give ourselves up for slaughter for zero reward. For example.

in my case, it was neglect that set me up for something like this. My parents did (do) love me but my childhood was characterised by howling emotional neglect. I was first targetted by a charmer when I was 11-18, who thoroughly emotionally seduced me (then dumped me with little ceremony); I was a sitting duck for the next charmer. It was only when I was chewed up to the core that I finally recognised something was wrong and needed to be addressed. ie something was wrong with me . Not my fault, just something was wrong, not working properly.

I['m sorry to say it, I thought my childhood was ok-ish up to that point. It was challenging to face that I had been horribly, sometimes willfully, neglected and abused. It was challenging to face that my mother has been systematically tightly controlled and emotionally abused by my father - there wasn't much love, attention, affirmation, care left to go around when that took up all the space.

I'm also sorry to say that the current evidence suggests there are some significant faultlines running through your childhood, too. You just wouldn't have got into this without some heavy childhood 'something' that formed your beliefs about yourself. Your current situation fully illustrates that.

springydaffs - I suspect that this is true of many woman who become the OW. I have two female friends who have gone down that path (despite my begging and pleading), and both had significant self-confidence issues as a result of very deep-seated parental relationships at an early age.

In both cases, I knew that the affair would actually worsen their issues. They were both in their mid/ate 30s. I think they both needed to create a crisis that would force them to confront something very difficult about their upbringing in order that they could move on. Both ended up hitting rock bottom and having something very close to a full psychological meltdown. The good news, though, is that both recovered and went on to have a much more fulfilling and faithful relationship subsequently.

Before someone who is hurting from an affair jumps at me with some free will & responsibility, I'm not saying that this absolves anyone of responsibility but in my experience it really is a factor in the whole 'becoming the OW' thing.

CBT isn’t usually the first choice for relationship issues. CBT’s more suited for anxiety , depression and PTSD. CBT can be good for obsessive thoughts, but obsessing about a person isn’t quite the same as other obsessions. Falling in love with someone who’s very unsuitable and then obsessing about them is often linked to self-esteem issues and also to childhood/family relationships that weren’t as good as they should have been and have left you vulnerable. So the types of therapy that focus on personal relationships and the past would probably more helpful. As springydaffs says, understanding where it comes from may help you avoid falling into the same trap in future, and it would help you build happier relationships for yourself as well. Anyway many therapists will use a blend of different approaches, depending on your needs.

You actually have quite a lot of insight into your own reactions and you’re very articulate, which makes you a good candidate for therapy. If you are worried, find a therapist who’s a registered member of a recognised professional organisation like BACP, and avoid techniques which are based on suggestion such as hypnotherapy (which wouldn’t be right for your issues anyway). Personal recommendation isn’t so helpful for this kind of therapy because it’s very individual, you may need to try more than one therapist to find one you can work with.

I had that kind of obsessive interest in someone when I was lot younger. As I learned to feel better about myself, I got less obsessed about him. It was me that came up with the Nigerian spammer comparison and please don’t feel bad about that – I’ve done the obsessing thing myself and he certainly wasn’t a demi-god! We’re all human, we all make mistakes. Life’s for learning.

I'm also sorry to say that the current evidence suggests there are some significant faultlines running through your childhood, too. You just wouldn't have got into this without some heavy childhood 'something' that formed your beliefs about yourself. Your current situation fully illustrates that.

I think I'm pretty self-aware. I had a very happy childhood - idyllic really.
No abuse physical or emotional. All very perfect - parents in love, wealthy, supported, cared for etc. But my whole family environment was built on achievement. It was fine for me as I was a high achiever. But I think somehow I internalized this idea that love needs to be "won".

That was definitely not how my parents treated me but in some way I ended up feeling that the harder I worked, the more I achieved, the more I felt I deserved to be loved.

I respond very very well to competition. I'm highly competitive and get bored easily. So a man who appears to be "in love" with me but then withdraws is like pulling a starting gun on a running race - and I'm off at top speed. Inside I'm thinking I can win this.

There maybe something about this dynamic that has caused such a deep atavistic response in me to him. It's very bizarre and as I said, I've not been an OW before and it's very out of character for me. I don't sleep around and am loyal in relationships. I still am utterly mystified that he could seem to be so in love/into me one minute and then just act like it matters not whether I have ever breathed a breath or ever existed and then comes back around again.

LittleMissMarker

So the types of therapy that focus on personal relationships and the past would probably more helpful

What types of therapy are these? Do they have names please? What are you thinking of? This isn't a part of the world I know much about at all.

he certainly wasn’t a demi-god!

I do have a problem with the Demi-God status of this man but I honestly think if I described him, most of you would see what I'm talking about.

To put it another way, if a friend of yours had been dating (say) George Clooney - and she was saying "well this is the best I'll ever get", on some objective level that would be true - because he is intelligent, charming, very wealthy, has success and fame etc. [For the record I don't like George Clooney myself but just using him as an easy to understand example]

The guy I am obsessed with objectively has some amazing qualities - he is very charming and delightful to spend time with, he is intelligent, very very successful, hugely wealthy, educated, well connnected, good looking, great body. I know that because I am in love with him he has an uplift to me in all categories - but some things are base level objective. even if you didn't fancy him, you'd get that he was objectively attractive.

You my find the sorts of therapies you're after listed under the umbrella of "person centred" therapies.

You're worth so much more than this (we all are, but you sound especially undeserving of such a twat).

He sounds, as objectively as possible, like a vile, shell of a human. And he is sucking the life out of you, like a fucking parasite.

You are, I'm sure, a wonderful and beautiful woman. You've made a terrible mistake in letting this guy in but you don't sound self indulgent about it (as some OW do on here). I feel for you. I hope you come to realise how much more you're worth.

Good luck. NC is the only answer as far as breaking ties goes. Taking up a hobby to fill some of the thumb twiddling time might help too. Some exercise, or voluntary work? It'll boost your self esteem, too, to do something that feels good for you/is making your community/the World a better place.

Not self-indulgent.. except not factoring the wife into this AT ALL. You know, the conscience part. The how it effects other people part. As per an OW. As per an addict, too.

ok, you may not be a broken sort (though I beg to differ), you may be a sort that is used - what with the achievement, wealth and privilege - to getting precisely what you want. You may be enraged that, this time, you just can't force this one through.

op, have you done any research since you started this thread? I get that you need to ask some general questions but for someone who knows their way around the world, and knows how to bend the world to what she wants, you seem reluctant to actually do some of the donkey work here. This stuff doesn't just fall into your lap, you have to want it. It's an exacting journey to even get it started, let alone what follows. do you want to get well?

My ex, the abuser, had all of the attributes you describe in your snake. he was like a present he was that special.

a not e (blame the machine)

He's not a god. Demi or otherwise. He's a man. A dishonest, imperfect, lying, cheating snake of a man. He doesn't love you, he barely even wants you. You are wasting your time, your life, your energy on trying to figure out the hows and whys but the truth is, you'll never really know.

Now how about you quit this self-indulgent "I always have to win" shite and set about winning yourself a real prize? A life in which you value yourself, your morals, your values, your career, your friends, family and eventually, a partner who is worthy of you and you him.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

I should imagine the competitive part is only one part of this.

as with all ties that bind, there are usually a few strands. takes a bit of detective work - with a professional - to find out what they are.

Well, I’d probably just have called it “insight therapy” which covers a lot of different sorts and the specific kind doesn’t matter all that much. “Pure” CBT might not cover it but a lot of therapists use a mixed approach anyway. Kateegee’s suggestion looks good – google for counsellors and therapists in your area or look in one of the online directories such as BACP’s; see if they deal with the kinds of issues you’re struggling with (personal relationships, self esteem, eating problems, obsessive thoughts) and give a few of them a call. Check that they’re registered with one of the professional bodies. Some will offer a free first session.

Or else, you could go to your GP and get a referral from there, because it sounds as if this is having a major effect on your life. They might not have any NHS places (NHS therapy is as rare as hen’s teeth!) but the GP could refer you to some private services. My GP referred me to a local charity with a sliding payment scale.

(Sorry about any disappearing posts - I use different names for different things and I got mixed up last night. Now sorted, courtesy of MNHQ.)