my DH died last week. what do i do now

[lickingstars]

I am lost, I don't know why I am posting. Probably because I need someone to talk to.

My DH died last week it was a stroke well a few of them and then he was gone. Within 48 hours just gone.
I have two DCs with him Dd2 (4) and DS(6) and my DD1(12) from a previous relationship. But he treated DD1 like his own and she calls him dad because her own dad (my exhusband) is a dick who we haven't seen for 2 years.

I am trying to make life as normal as possible DD2 is still going to school because she wants too and because for her because she is so young it isn't affecting her in the same way yet. DS went to school for two days because he wanted to but broke down on the third day and hasn't been back. DD1 hasn't been to school since and I haven't been to work because the DCs need me but it is so hard keeping it together in front of them. I just want to lie on his side of the bed and cry.

Then today DS came with a conker and he wanted a hole drilled in it to put string in it like DH does and I tried to do it even though I didn't know how and I should have told him to take it to FILs and he would have done it. But I tried and I cocked it up like an idiot and he cried and I said sorry and he said its okay mummy you didn't mean to. But he was still crying then I cried. Then he hugged me wiped my tears and said I will look after you now mummy I promise.

He is six and he shouldn't need to say that to me but he did and it was so sweet it broke my heart.

And DD1 said yesterday that she wishes that her biological father had died instead because DH was her real dad and he was a good dad to her and it wasn't fair.

Then their is the funeral and I don't know if the younger two should go or not and I have no one else to help me make the decision now. Part of me thinks it will be too upsetting for them and we should say goodbye and plant a tree or write letters or something but then I worry that they will hate me because they didn't get to go to the funeral.

I spoke to my friend today and told her how hard it was and she said I should think myself lucky as at least financially speaking I don't have to worry straight away because we payed off the mortgage last year and DH had life insurance. I told her I didn't feel very lucky and she got upset with me and said that she was trying to help.

Thinking of youx

Thinking of you today

Thinking of you x

Thinking of you today xxxxx

Thinking of you all today

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have no pearls of wisdom to add but wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family today

I would have taken the children too.

Thinking of you today x

Thinking of you xx

Thinking of you all today, stars xxxxx

Sometimes the run-up is worse than the actual event. Ime the funeral really does help with the grieving process. You're doing the right thing to take the kids. Let them see you cry; cry together. It's a huge thing to come to terms with for you all. Bless you

Thinking of you all today.

Shit you poor thing. I am so sorry. I have no idea what to say.

I can't imagine what you are going through and how scary it might feel at times, but I read your post twice and I thought how graceful and strong you seemed even in the most trying and heart-rending situation. I think it's a good thing that you're being emotionally honest with your children, too - I don't think that you should beat yourself up at all about this. In an extraordinarily difficult situation like this, you are allowed to be human and to show your feelings. They will understand and you can comfort each other.

You will find a way through this.

Yes, outofcontrol, very graceful and strong.

Thinking of you today stars.

Thank you all
Today was scary and sad and happy and emotional.
DD1 read her poem all the way through and the youngest two Sat the whole way through the funeral and they were just lovely and sweet and DD2 said bye bye daddy when we left the church which was heart breaking.

DB took the youngest two to the park for the graveyard bit which was a really good decision because it was really hard and I could barely stand I was crying that much and I am glad they weren't around for that.

Then we had the wake and the other DNs all came and they all ran round which was quite nice.

Oh well done! It is heartbreaking but you've done the right thing and celebrating how much somebody was loved is happy as well as sad. Your dd did so well and the little ones too - that's just as it should be. You've done so well for them and I hope for you too.
What are your plans for tomorrow?

Sending some unmumsnetty hugs to you (((())))

Nobody should be dying before having seen their children grow up. You managed today very well. It was the right decision for the children.

My DH has a positive outlook about funerals and death because he experienced funerals at an early age exactly as your children did - he's ancient now and can't remember the gloomy bit (just name of person who had died) but def remembers going to the park and the treats (that would be cakes at the wake!) afterwards

I think you struck exactly the right balance for your family and so brave of your daughter to read out her poem
and and unmumsnetty hugs to you

Take strength from each other x

You did so well, OP. What an absolute nightmare for you. Well done to dd1, what a star.

Have been thinking about your and your children throughout the day.
Im glad you were all there together to say goodbye.

Hugs to you all, xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you
Hope you don't mind but because you been so supportive and some of you have posted more than once I am going to tell you about my DH so you can have an idea of what he was like. I don't know why it just feels right that you know a bit about him.

I met him 11 years ago at a meal he was a friend of a friend back from university. It was DH and the friend and me and my husband at the time. Exhusband was in a bad mood he didn't know that another man was going to be there and he was angry with me and made snide comments all night.
DH noticed that exhusband was being a dick so he got my number off friend and asked if I was okay the next day.

He helped me escape exhusband and after a year of knowing him he said that he loved me. I asked him to wait for me to because I needed to find out who I was first and he did wait a whole 6 months.

Then we dated and he was perfect with my DD and we married 8 years ago and we had two other lovely DCs together. But he treated all 3 DCs the same and the day DD1 called him dad he cried because it meant so much to him that she felt that she was part of our family.

We argued of course mostly over silly things like what day the bins went out or the programmes we watched on telly at night and if he was working to much.
But he was always there to hold me when I cried. He never pushed me to tell him things he just made sure I was okay. When I was depressed he felt with the DCs and made sure I was supported and got help and when I nearly died giving birth to DD2 he only left me to tuck the DCs in at night.

He cared so much about everyone. He was a family man who took the DCs out to give me a break every Saturday that he could. Nothing was ever to much trouble.

We will all miss him so much and so many people came today to say goodbye I know he won't be forgotten because he made such a difference just by trying to help everyone he met, including me.

So sorry for your loss??

He sounds lovely-my heart goes out to you. .,you have my fullest admiration for simply getting out of bed each day let alone for all you're doing to help your children..I cried when I read your first post..thinking of you xxxxxx

So very sorry

He sounds like he was a lovely man. Talk about him as much as you like. Look after yourself these next few days. I am thinking about you and wish you strength as you face up to your sad loss.

Hello stars.

Your DH sounds like a wonderful man, who comes over as a loving husband and father.

I am so very sorry for your loss and sending you a huge hug.

xxx