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Original poster

Think DS is ruining things between me and DP

145 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 18:16

I have been with DP for 16 months and have an 11 year old DS from a previous relationship. My DS can be so badly behaved probably 60% of the time and average/well behaved the rest of the time. The last week has been very stressful for DP as his dad has been having tests in hospital. DS has been exceptionally naughty and tonight, DP has gone home saying he won't be over for a few days. We both have the day off tomorrow and were supposed to have a lie in Wink but this now won't be happening,

DP and DS actually get on really well. They go to rugby and go cycling together. I am just worried that if this continues then DP won't be able to cope.

Does anyone have any advice or similar stories?

OP posts:
clam · 07/10/2014 18:23

Does he think you don't deal with your son's behaviour effectively? Are you both in agreement about sanctions?

I would cut him a bit of slack at the moment, as he is worried about his dad and probably doesn't want to invite more conflict (with you) into his life right now. Maybe he just needs a bit of space and will be more able to discuss a way forward with you once his dad has recovered.

BertieBotts · 07/10/2014 18:27

Maybe just put some distance between them for a while? 16 months isn't that long and it's probably a combination of a lot of things, DP being stressed and worried, you feeling worried and wanting to support him, DS starting puberty (which can often bring up strong feelings especially about relationships like this) - cool it off, see him in your own time but let them have some space from each other and come back together on their own terms if that makes sense.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 18:27

We always discuss everything. We are keen for things to be long term and are hoping to buy somewhere next year. I just hope that nothing ruins things.

OP posts:
titchywitchy · 07/10/2014 18:28

I think you have to put your DS first. Of course he is going to act up, and be difficult - it's a difficult situation for him. Plus he's an 11 year old, and they act up for all sorts of reasons in any family set up.

If you start blaming him for stresses between you and your partner, you are opening up a whole world of trouble for both of you (you and DS).

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 18:35

What was stupid about this evening was that DP came over to do dinner as he finishes work before me. He offered him sausages, beans and mash and that set off the tantrum as he didn't want it. He has subsequently eaten it after I made it Angry Kids can be so annoying sometimes.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 07/10/2014 18:43

Poor boy. He's not annoying. You need to put him over your DP. If your DP fucks off because a child is misbehaving then I would be more concerned about that behaviour to be honest.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 18:50

That comment about him being annoying was uncalled for tbh, I'm just a bit cross. I love my son very much but when you get hard to handle behaviour day in, day out, it becomes very wearing. It's not just towards me either, it's my mum too who lives nearby. His dad can't be bothered with him and my DP is the only man who shows any interest (apart from DP's dad). My son is already on report at school and he has only been there 4 weeks, just to give you a flavour of his behaviour Hmm

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 18:52

You probably wish you could up and go like DP. Just as well he's away for a bit, he's going to be worried about his dad.

Any particular bad behaviour from DS or is it general 11 yo stuff? Is DP used to children, if it's just pre-teen stuff your DP will have to adjust his ideas.

Hurr1cane · 07/10/2014 18:58

Well I've never called my DS annoying even when he was severely aggressive with his anxiety and disability and ripped half my hair out and sent me to hospital.

My mum called me annoying when I was about 11 though and blamed me for her boyfriends leaving. I don't talk to her now.

I'm not saying that you do that to your son at all. I'm just saying take a step back and see what's important before being angry at your son for the fact your DP has walked off and upset you because your son didn't want sausages...

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 19:03

Not sure about particular bad behaviour. Mainly cheeky, won't do homework, in school he is rude to teachers, just generally difficult at times. I have no real experience of children apart from him so assume this is typical but not sure.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/10/2014 19:05

Oh come on, kids can be annoying even though we can feel sympathy for the reasons behind their annoyingness, let it go over our heads etc. I get annoyed at DS for faffing around about food all the time! Saying a behaviour is annoying is not the same as blaming him for driving your DP away.

That said you do need to be careful. He's at a tough age and he doesn't have his own dad around. He might be feeling conflicted about having a new man in your lives, worried he's going to take your attention away from him, rejecting his influence/authority and therefore yours and anyone else's by extension, just generally angry at the world. A child acting out that much is a child who is hurting, you might not be able to fix that easily, but you do owe it to him to make him top priority and take relationships at a much slower pace than you would if you didn't have a child.

It sounds like a really stressful situation.

Have you seen the Teenagers board on here? It's really good and supportive for children who are acting out.

Hurr1cane · 07/10/2014 19:07

The title says she is blaming him. Which is why I said that. I've never called DS annoying though.

gertiegusset · 07/10/2014 19:09

Yep, kids can be very annoying, doesn't mean you don't still love 'em.

Branleuse · 07/10/2014 19:11

jeez, all kids are annoying.

Your son isnt ruining your relationship though, and no relationship is going to be long term if you dont parent together. Him fucking off because your son was being a pain shows that hes not committed.
Youve got a new romance, and your son is at a tender age, probably about to start puberty, plus his dad is ill.
Hes got a lot to process. Remember who youve got the duty to here.

Hurr1cane · 07/10/2014 19:11

Ok fair enough it might just only be me who doesn't find children annoying. Probably why I chose to work with them. But even so, please don't blame him.

My DP has many faults, but he'd never walk off over something my DS has done, if he did I would leave him.

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2014 19:12

Seriously - children can be annoying. You have every right to feel annoyed sometimes - and to show him that his behaviour is annoying you.

You do need to think hard about making statements like "my son is ruining things between my dp and me" though - because your son has the right to be your first priority - and he needs to know he is, no matter how annoying he might be being.

Do you think he is worried about your DP's dad? You said they were close?

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 19:14

He "fucked off" for a prearranged visit to his dad in hospital. Admittedly, he isn't staying over tonight but he has just iMessaged and his tone was fairly normal. Think we need to talk things through though.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 07/10/2014 19:14

Hurr1cane - you must be a bloody saint then. I work with children. I love working with children. Doesn't mean I don't find their behaviour annoying sometimes!

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 19:15

I think he may be worried about DP's dad. He has high calcium levels which at the worst could be cancer but could also be lots of other things, we are still waiting to hear. Haven't told DS loads but he has asked after him a lot.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 19:20

Has DS just started secondary school? Some of it will be bravado, acting up, trying to look like he doesn't care about much. Lashing out at authority at school won't get him far.

Exercise and freedom to get out at weekends will help with moods, so cycling sounds great. And maybe looking into something like judo or tae kwon do? These encourage fitness, respect, concentration and strict attention.

Hurr1cane · 07/10/2014 19:23

Haha I'm no saint, children just don't annoy me though. I usually blame myself for their behaviour and re evaluate my techniques.

I find adults dreadfully annoying though Grin DP is very annoying but I love him just enough to counter act that.

Just to be clear I'm not having a go at OP I'm just trying to get her to take a step back and see that it's not her sons fault. It's easy to blame children because they're an easy target Sad

I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't do this but my mum used to tell me it was my fault whenever any of her relationships ended, and made me feel really shit. They usually ended because she was sleeping around, but as a child I didn't think about that and just got really sad.

As an adult in have no contact with her at all, and am very happy she isn't in my DSs life.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 19:23

Yes he has just started secondary school. We have tried so many things over the years, karate, football (still plays with mates but not team), St. John ambulance, beavers, swimming, mixed martial arts. There may be more but the fact is, he does them for a bit then gets fed up. Maybe now he's older he will find something to stick at if I talk to him.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 19:28

This is the time when you need to be there totally for your son. As others have said it's a very awful time for him, he is going through a lot of changes. I'd tell DP that he needs to concentrate on his family and you need to concentrate on yours. Seeing your DP a couple of times a week is the way to go at the moment.

Get your son busy, cadets (any form) is fantastic to help him boost his confidence it also teaches them to respect people and work as a team. My son has been in the Sea Cadets from that age and is now nearly 17 and I can't thank them enough.... he's a fantastic teen.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/10/2014 19:30

Did he move to 'big school' with others from his previous school then did they get split up? A lot of it could be lack of confidence. (Hard to fathom when they back chat). Being a pita requires little or no effort. He might be worried about a lot of stuff being uncool and thinks he's fitting in by playing up.

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 19:33

By the way, why are you worrying if DP can cope? He's the adult? Put your child first every single time.