Think DS is ruining things between me and DP

[ScrambledEggAndToast]

I have been with DP for 16 months and have an 11 year old DS from a previous relationship. My DS can be so badly behaved probably 60% of the time and average/well behaved the rest of the time. The last week has been very stressful for DP as his dad has been having tests in hospital. DS has been exceptionally naughty and tonight, DP has gone home saying he won't be over for a few days. We both have the day off tomorrow and were supposed to have a lie in but this now won't be happening,

DP and DS actually get on really well. They go to rugby and go cycling together. I am just worried that if this continues then DP won't be able to cope.

Does anyone have any advice or similar stories?

He's obviously a nice boy, and he's had a lot to cope with, but red mist tantrums for an 11 year old, and being on report after 4 weeks at a new school is somewhat unusual and I'd want to get to the bottom of what's going on. I don't think it's anything to worry about, it could be a response to stress, it could be some behavioural issues developing, but I'd want to get to the root of it before adolescence takes hold. Potentially, it could get him into trouble, it could affect his schoolwork, and it might be very frustrating for him if he doesn't know why he does it, and doesn't have tools control his own behaviour.

Personally I would find a good child psychologist to try to figure out what's going on and to teach him coping strategies. You could work on it together.

I agree that your son should come first and if your DP is finding tough maybe see him less, see him without DS for the time being.

OP, I think you should think about your attitude to yourself as well. Do you tend to downplay your own wants and needs in favour of your DP's? Do you think you'll be happy if he is happy? That's not a good foundation for a relationship? It's even worse when you are bunching another person (your DS) in with yourself, and thinking/showing that they should defer their happiness to someone else too.

Well DP is not even talking to me now. I have rung several times, skyped and iMessaged. I am going to leave it now. He is basically using the fact that his dad is in hospital to act like a brat. I am so pissed off

Maybe having a father who has never seen you and has no interest in you is a difficult thing to live with and might contribute to the red mist. Is there a counselor or someone (perhaps through the school) who can help your DS to come to terms with this?

You can't manipulate other people and make them get on, you can only be a reasonable, happy and supportive individual and hope things go well, it is not in your control.

Try not to react too much to everyone else's behaviour, it is more their problem than yours.

Also it is quite normal for people to try different hobbies and then move on to something new like your DS, it is not a problem. Teenage years are difficult.

I will look into the counselling. We have had input from a behavioural psychologist in the past, they thought he had oppositional defiance disorder which made sense. I was worried about ADHD but they didn't think he had that.

His dad can't be bothered with him

perhaps this coupled with starting secondary school are his major stresses rather than your DP. Particularly if he plays up at school and not just when your DP is around. Sounds like they get on well and maybe your DS is 'testing' him in the way that all DCs test their parents at puberty?

My eldest is 11 and I'm spending a lot of effort managing his behaviour atm. They're at the point where they're very capable and have a fair amount of freedom but they can still be immature. That together with hormones means that most kids that age are similar.

If your oh is worried about his father he may not want to have to deal with children as well and may just want a break.

But you're first and foremost a mother and as long as your oh sees that you're dealing with his behaviour then he shouldn't have a problem.

If he has ODD then there is very specific ways that you should talk to him and give demands. You might have just worked that out over your years of parenting him but his new school and your DP won't have those skills and so could set him off.

You could do with some outreach at home and at school and some training for DP if he's serious about you both.

My child has complex needs and my DP googled within an inch of his life before he even met DS (after a year of us dating) and consequently they get on amazingly.

I also never interfere when DP is disciplining DS. Even when I think I can sort it, because I never undermined him in front of DS. I let them work it out and DS respects DP as a sort of step parent now.

Hurr1cane, we are similar in a lot of ways in that DP disciplines DP and I let him get on with it, I never undermine him. He is very level headed so I trust him to do the right thing. I have never told him about the ODD, I had hoped it had sorted itself out but obviously not.

He really needs to know OP. But it's sounds like DP's got some kind of disorder himself - immaturity I'd call it. Stonewalling pisses me off.

But your DP can't do the right thing if he doesn't know what the right thing is. Children with ODD can't accept demands like children without the condition. You have to ask in different ways because their brains are programmed to say 'no' even if they want to, then they don't know how to get out of the mess they've gotten in, panic, and meltdown.

If your DP understood about your DS then he would have chance to help him rather than getting annoyed and punishing something that DS couldn't help. At the moment your DS needs coping strategies rather than telling off.

His dad can't be bothered with him and my DP is the only man who shows any interest

Your son is expressing a lot of grief, anger, and fear about this, I'd say.

Red mist tantrums - he can't cope with his emotions, they're overwhelming him. There will be a way that you can help.....you need to work it out.

Can you talk to him (DS) about any of this? I don't mean your partner, of course. I mean, how he feels at these times, and what he needs from you.

Can I ask when your DS's dad disappeared off the scene?
I'm wondering if part of your DS's behaviour is along the lines of "boundary pushing" to see if your DP is going to fuck off as well. It might suggest that he feels in some way responsible for his own father's fecklessness and lack of interest.

You should take the lead when disciplining your son and frankly letting your partner do it whilst withholding your son's diagnosis, isn't fair on either of them. How on earth do you talk about potentially buying a house with a man, that you haven't told about a diagnosis which effects the relationship he has with your son.

Don't let your desire for 'everything to be perfect' interfere with your responsibilities as a parent and partner.

Give your partner some space and get support for your son.

Sigh.

Sorry OP it sounds like you are in a pretty shit situation.

I think you have to separate your son's behaviour and you relationship.

Firstly, you need to deal with your son. Apologies if I've missed anything, but his behaviour does not sound normal. Describing tantrums in a "red mist" sort of way disassociates the behaviour from the person, and won't be helpful. He needs to have very firm boundaries, and very firm consequences. Not to mention some sort of counselling before this gets any worse.

He will have a pretty shit life if he can't learn to control his temper. Of course all kids have tantrums, but the way you describe it sounds more than that.

Your DP is a grown man. He doesn't have to put up with some kid treating him in a disrespectful way. To be honest, I would have probably done the same thing (leaving) in his position, if someone's child treated me like that and my partner just let it happen. Him not blindly accepting poor behaviour from your child does not make him a bad person.

Some people are happy to sacrifice their possibility of happiness with a new partner because their children play up, but it really depends on what you want.

Your 'perfect life' isn't being ruined by your child, your lack of honesty and ignoring your sons diagnosis is.

I'm not having a go, I'm really not but what is your reasoning for not disclosing your sons diagnosis to your partner? Have you engaged in any strategies for managing your sons diagnosis? Does the school know? You can not support your son if you don't acknowledge his diagnosis.

I think perhaps OP didn't tell her DP about her son's diagnosis because she's afraid it will put him off? Sorry if that's unfair, OP.

Wolf if her sons diagnosis puts him off then he isn't worth having.

I dated a bit before finding DP and I was always honest about DSs complex needs, although none of them actually met DS. Some said they couldn't cope with that. Fair enough, that's their choice and I am still friends with some of them.

Some didn't care, but I didn't like them. Also fair enough.

DP googled within an inch of his life, asked questions, met DS after a year and is sometimes better with him than I am.

To be fair on the OPs DP, he hasn't really been given a chance to do anything because he hasn't been told.

Your son't behaviour is a cry for help.

It's extremely stressful moving from primary to secondary school. Quite possible the most stressful year of your entire life. He needs the love and support of his adults. He certainly doesn't need them stomping off because they didn't get stellar behaviour. Does he perhaps have reason to believe all adults walk out on you? (thinking of his dad here?)

I doubt anyone will believe me when I say this but I had forgotten about his diagnosis. I suffer from severe memory problems caused by epilepsy. I remembered that we had been to a psychologist and asked my mum if she remembered the name of the disorder. Luckily, she did.

As for DS's dad, we split when he was 3 and he has had less and less to do with him ever since. In the last two years, he has seen him approx 6 times for a weekend at a time,

OK, thanks for answering about his Dad - if his Dad has been tailing off visits etc. there still may be some feeling in your DS that he's somehow to blame for this, so I still think my theory that he's testing your DP to see if he can cope holds some water.
But with the ODD diagnosis as well, there's quite a complex set of factors here.

However you do need to tell your DP about this diagnosis, because it will achieve one of two things - your DP will be able to understand better why your DS is like this, and accommodate; or he will cut and run, in which case better now than a couple more years down the line, when you're all more heavily invested in this relationship.

This really has been an odd week tbh. DPs dad being ill in hospital plus my mum being away and DS missing her. He is so excited about going to the airport with DP tomorrow night to collect her. I think her coming back will help a lot.

I think that if DP is happy then DS will be happy too

You'd want to stop thinking this way. Your ds's happiness should be your priority, not your new boyfriend's.

Why will your mum coming back help?!

This child has been a carer, had his dad fuck off, has started in secondary school and has moved and your worried that his tantrum is upsetting your boyfriend?

Priorities, love. Seriously.

My mum coming back will help because DS sees her everyday and loves her to bits. He goes to her every night after school for dinner whereas at the moment he is coming home to an empty house and says he is lonely. It has been unsettling for him basically.

I believe that you have forgotten. He was probably dealt with well at primary.

But now he's changed schools and is obviously struggling so now is the time to research, google, listen to vlogs and blogs with adults with the condition and support your son.