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Original poster

Think DS is ruining things between me and DP

145 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 18:16

I have been with DP for 16 months and have an 11 year old DS from a previous relationship. My DS can be so badly behaved probably 60% of the time and average/well behaved the rest of the time. The last week has been very stressful for DP as his dad has been having tests in hospital. DS has been exceptionally naughty and tonight, DP has gone home saying he won't be over for a few days. We both have the day off tomorrow and were supposed to have a lie in Wink but this now won't be happening,

DP and DS actually get on really well. They go to rugby and go cycling together. I am just worried that if this continues then DP won't be able to cope.

Does anyone have any advice or similar stories?

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 19:38

His new school is huge. There are 200 pupils in his year group whereas there were only 280 in his whole primary school Shock He has always wanted to join cadets, will look into that. I was in the Army cadets and loved that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 19:39

Tinks, I guess I am just a worrier. I want everything to be perfect. I think that if DP is happy then DS will be happy too.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 19:40

Please OP, put your relationship on the back burner and concentrate on your son. I'm speaking from a single parents perspective also. This is a very crucial time in his life.

magoria · 07/10/2014 19:41

Please put on hold the hoping to buy next year until things improve. I suggest you try living together ensuring you are protected financially as you do not do this yet.

You don't want to be with a partner who resents your DS, a DS who is acting out for one reason or another, stuck together because you have made a joint commitment.

If your DP is there for the long haul he will wait. If he is not, better you find this out BEFORE tying yourself to him.

DistanceCall · 07/10/2014 19:42

You don't have to sacrifice your relationship because of your child. But you need to pay attention to his needs - and your partner should accept that a child's needs come first.

It's probably a good idea that your partner spends some time on his own if he's worried about his father. Your son is probably acting up because he's jealous. You might want to use this time to spend more time with him, do fun things together, so you can reassure him that just because your partner has come along that doesn't mean that you love him any less.

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 19:43

No OP, he is not his father. Believe me when I say this, men can come and go and your job (a tough one I know) is to make your son your priority your boyfriend needs to either go along with this or go.

DistanceCall · 07/10/2014 19:44

And no, there is no such thing as "everything is perfect". Ever.

There is such a thing as enjoying your life and being happy most of the time, though. But your son is a child, and you are his mother, and he needs to feel safe and loved. Jealousy is normal.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 19:55

I love my son more than anything or anyone but he can be frustrating at times. That said, he will always be my number one, we are a little team. He has been my carer in the past when I have had seizures, quite a responsibility for a young boy. It has been lovely for him to have someone to take the strain off him.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 07/10/2014 20:00

Has it been lovely though? Or has someone come along and stole his caring role? It's tough and confusing being a young carer. I know I struggle massively sharing DSs care needs because it's my job. And I'm an adult who should know better.

Are there any carers centres near you that he could attend for young carers sessions? They are usually free.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 20:07

He used to go to young carers once a week but 2.5 years ago we moved house to a new town. I applied and he was assessed but he didn't fit the criteria Hmm Thankfully my condition is much better, I have gone from 2 seizures a month to 4 in the last 12 months.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/10/2014 20:14

It does seem like there is a lot going on in his young life. New school, new 11 year old hormones and puberty starting, new partner of mum's, it's new that he is not being your carer as much (which is positive but it's still a change), etc. But with his poor behaviour could it be that he could benefit from some more structure / boundaries? Just musing out loud. Cadets sounds like a great idea.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/10/2014 20:15

He should not be throwing a strop about dinner though. Any consequences for that?

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 20:17

So far no consequences for the tantrum, I am feeling a bit worn down right now. I have just looked up the cadets, you have to be 12 and in year 8 so that will have to be something for next year.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 20:25

Right so...

Your little boy

Has moved
There's a new man about
He's started secondary

No wonder he's acting out a bit OP

Lot's and lots of change

I'm not meaning to be harsh here OP but worrying about your boyfriend is not your priority here.

Like I said, put that bit on the back burner, of course you can still have a boyfriend by when it fits in with your life with your son, not the other way round.

Sicaq · 07/10/2014 20:26

I disagree that you should, as other posters have implied, put this relationship on the back burner. Your son is one of thousands of children (I was one) who has had to get used to their parents having new relationships. He doesn't (or shouldn't) get to dictate your personal life, IMO.

You can be kind as well as firm.

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 20:27

They can start from the age of 8 in the juniors, so he would still be a junior as my son was but that's a good thing due to them being the older ones in the group.

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 20:29

Umm Sicaq whether her son is one of a million children having to get used to their parents having a relationship, the child should always and I mean always come first.

Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 20:31

Maybe then the problems I see on a daily basis would hardly occur.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 20:33

My son just gets a sort of "red mist". It doesn't matter what the topic is, it could be dinner/clothes/showering/TV. However, when he gets like that, you can't stop him yelling and tantruming. When he's not like that he's so loving and sweet. However, I can see how anyone would get frustrated when he has the red mist, I certainly do. Afterwards, he's so apologetic and always says he won't do it again. I always tell him how much I love him but not his behaviour. I just tell him that the best way to show he's sorry is to not misbehave in that way again. However, it seems to fall on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 07/10/2014 20:38

Your son is very angry and doesnt know how to cope with his feelings OP. Like I said, this is one of the most crucial times in a childs life, hence advising you to put your boyfriend on the back burner at the moment and concentrate on your son.

I'm going to leave you all to it now.

Just remember what I said OP, he is your number one priority and everything you have said confirms this.

Quitelikely · 07/10/2014 20:47

Have you tried asking your son if he is worried about anything? Or asked what he thinks of dp? You could also try to gently explain about respecting others iyswim

Btw I don't think you should get rid of your dp! Your son is going through a tricky time and IMO the best way to manage that is to be consistent with discipline and boundaries. So no iPad/tv for that day or whatever it is he likes doing.

newstart15 · 07/10/2014 20:49

I want everything to be perfect. I think that if DP is happy then DS will be happy too.

I don't think this is realistic or valid. Your son's happiness should not depend on whether or not your DP is happy. As others have mentioned your son is at a key stage in life which tends to last for at least 3 years. Since starting secondary school he will be more tired (which contributes to the tantrems) and life will feel confusing.

He will need good boundaries but also lots of nurturing.I think you need to carefully manage this stage of his development so that he develops positive behaviours. I think it's interesting that he has given up on hobbies - don't just assume that he has the type of personality to give up, he may suffer from a lack of confidence and needs help when the going gets tough. He may struggle with secondary school and finds it's easier to opt out by being disruptive. Most teens want to do well but they often need significant support and encouragement to reach their potential.

I was a fulltime working mum but feel fortunate that I was able to take 6 months off work when my dd went to secondary school - she seemed to regress in some ways as big school was overwhelming. She needed help to plan and do homework, she needed checklists on the fridge to remember what stuff to bring in each day and I made sure she eat well and slept lots. By the time she was 13 she was having more good days than bad and she is now a wonderful young adult.

parenting a 'soon to be teen' is tough, it's almost back to toddler taming. Keep talking to him and you will both get through this. If your ds is happy and confident you will feel less stressed as a parent and your DP should be happier.

Itsfab · 07/10/2014 20:59

Your DS's happiness should not be dependent on your DP being happy.

I think your DP did the right thing taking a few days away if he is finding your son too much at the moment with the worry of his father. It doesn't mean he isn't in it for the long haul but like many things, it is all about communication.

DistanceCall · 07/10/2014 22:11

As I said, putting your child first doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship (and you certainly shouldn't allow your child to blackmail you emotionally or sabotage your relationships).

But your partner should be in line with this. If he loves you, he should love your child too, and do what is best for him.

Isetan · 08/10/2014 09:07

Your son has had a lot to deal with and it isn't unusual for him to act out. Its very difficult for children to understand let alone articulate their emotions in a coherent way, acting out is his way of articulating that he isn't happy. A therapist's support could be invaluable and help your son articulate his concerns and adapt to the significant changes that have happend in his young life. Your son is unhappy, find out why.

Life is a set of challenges and wanting everything to be 'perfect' is unrealistic (your idea of perfection may not be shared by the other two individuals in your OP). Your sons behaviour is just another of lives challenges, which with patience and support, I'm sure can be overcome.