Think DS is ruining things between me and DP

[ScrambledEggAndToast]

I have been with DP for 16 months and have an 11 year old DS from a previous relationship. My DS can be so badly behaved probably 60% of the time and average/well behaved the rest of the time. The last week has been very stressful for DP as his dad has been having tests in hospital. DS has been exceptionally naughty and tonight, DP has gone home saying he won't be over for a few days. We both have the day off tomorrow and were supposed to have a lie in but this now won't be happening,

DP and DS actually get on really well. They go to rugby and go cycling together. I am just worried that if this continues then DP won't be able to cope.

Does anyone have any advice or similar stories?

Scrambled - I'm not saying he's lying, but he might not be able to handle all the stress of your DS's behaviour at the same time as worrying about his Dad. It might just be too much for him to deal with.

Or, he has just decided that your DS is too much for him to deal with full stop - in which case he's just not worth breaking your heart over, because he'd never be good enough to stand in loco parentis to your son.

Either way, I'm sad for you that he has done it; now you need to focus on your DS and building life for the 2 of you again.

Polonium. Yes, he did blame my son, that was the only reason he gave. He said he loved me but couldn't put up with DS. However, this has all happened since his dad went into hospital.

.

Scrambled, he's a dick, it's not your DSs fault, but you already know that.

He's made this a little bit easier for you. Think of it this way, a grown man has acted horribly and blamed a child for his horrible behaviour. He knew you had a child from the start, all children occasionally play up, if he can't deal with children then he should stay away from women with children.

It sounds like a cop out and what type of horrible human being blames stuff on a child?

Like I say I have dated a few men who didn't want children in their lives and the commitment that comes with them, but they told me before things got serious, and that was their choice and it was fair enough.

To get this far and then blame a child is not on. He's done you a favour, you deserve a decent human being, as does DS.

He might be gutted at first but your DS has you. Just tell him things didn't work out and you and him are going to have lots of fun together without DP now.

I think he has got cold feet at the last minute. He was due to get his flat valued this week and it seems that now it's come down to the crunch, he has lost his nerves.

I am totally heartbroken and have spent most of the day crying. However, I went to my pre-planned hair appointment so now have lovely swishy brunette hair

I also went to the bank to pay in a cheque and on impulse made an appointment with a mortgage advisor for three weeks time to talk about whether I could afford a mortgage.

Onwards and upwards

Go scrambled :) exciting times.

Go scrambled

Well done, Scrambled.

Thanks, maybe it's just the push I need. However, I am feeling doubly sad today because I had to write one of the most difficult emails of my life declining my dream job as an occupational therapist. I have been looking for the job for 2.5 years but without ex-DP to help me with DS there is no way I can take it. There are two posts going in the trust I work for which would be perfect for me but seeing as I have applied 5 times before and been unsuccessful at interview 3 times I'm not getting my hopes up!!

Is there no way at all you could work around the child care issue?

Please don't send that email if you haven't already. You CAN work round childcare and it is much easier once you have a job. Trust me you can do this.

It's already sent. I had been thinking about it for the last week anyway. It's a community OT job which, because I have epilepsy and can't drive,would mean having to go the patient's homes by foot or on the bus. This would be after getting two buses to work taking over an hour. Access to Work refused to help me. I am better off in a hospital where there is only very occasional travel.

I'm sorry to see how this has turned out op.

Your ds has had so much happen to him and it's hormone time. Maybe he could do with someone to talk through his feelings?

Sorry OP but this is all a bit chaotic and we are seeing a snapshot.

Behaviour is not a 'thing' it's a symptom if other things that are going on.

Can I make a suggestion?

Ring his school on Monday and make an appointment with pastoral support or his form tutor.

Explain you are worried about his behaviour and maybe had a diagnosis of ODD previously.

You really need to tell them he is a younger carer and about how your mum being away affected him, his dad and the reason for your partner dumping you.

You need to really lay it on the line - you realise that being on report week 4 of a school really does not bode well? He's risk of exclusion if this continues.

Bizarrely, he responds really well to the report card. He seems to like having something to work towards and the recognition that he's done well, I.e. Getting a tick and a good comment from each teacher. Also, his form tutor has been giving him a drumstick (the sweet variety) at the end of the day if his report card has all ticks. He seems to get all ticks apart from in French

That is actually a good thing, as it makes it very obvious that there is an issue in French. In a good school they will investigate what is going wrong there by; talking to the teacher, talking to your son, talking to any TA, senior teachers dropping in, getting a teacher to "cover" when the French teacher is off sick etc.

Does the SENCO know he is a young carer (even if its not official), my DCs school tries to help them. Especially in finding somewhere safe to let out frustrations.

Oh, what a hard time for you. I'm so sorry. It must be so hard to feel you have a partner and support with all you are coping with and then having that support withdrawn so abruptly. You sound like you are doing so well. I really hope it's good news on the mortgage front and you get an exciting new start with your DS.

I feel as though I have lost both my partner and best friend in one fell swoop. Only this time two weeks ago, he was telling me what he was going to buy DS for Christmas, talking about their trip to Wembley on the 26th, our holiday next year and now this. DS will be heartbroken when I tell him

Maybe leave telling him for a bit until you've worked through your own emotions and feel up to supporting him then?

Have you heard from him at all?

He's not recently separated, is he?

Report cards are behaviour management - they are designed to set out boundaries not understand, support or change the triggers for the behaviour.

It's those programmes of support and intervention that is needed here.

Unless of course you think that a drumstick lolly is going work when he gets the red mist?

It won't.... Call the school

I wouldn't tell your son yet either. I would tell him he is busy with his poor dad and let him drift away over time. It will be hard managing your raw emotion as well as his and he doesn't need to know your ex is blaming him.

Poorly that should say

I told my son and the look on his face was heartbreaking. He actually started crying He never even cries over his dad so to cry over DP shows how much he meant to him. He kept asking if it was his fault and I said no but he is gutted. He loved spending time with him doing boy things. I have suggested that I take him to the footie (ex likes rugby so no chance of seeing him there) but he didn't seem too keen.

Oh poor boy :(