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Original poster

Think DS is ruining things between me and DP

145 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 18:16

I have been with DP for 16 months and have an 11 year old DS from a previous relationship. My DS can be so badly behaved probably 60% of the time and average/well behaved the rest of the time. The last week has been very stressful for DP as his dad has been having tests in hospital. DS has been exceptionally naughty and tonight, DP has gone home saying he won't be over for a few days. We both have the day off tomorrow and were supposed to have a lie in Wink but this now won't be happening,

DP and DS actually get on really well. They go to rugby and go cycling together. I am just worried that if this continues then DP won't be able to cope.

Does anyone have any advice or similar stories?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 09/10/2014 21:29

Ok, all the more reason to worry about him and not the man you've brought into his life in presumably under a year.

Unless of course, you've only introduced them in the last couple of months, which is just as bad really, given you're already talking about buying a property together.

Poor kid.

Thumbwitch · 10/10/2014 07:16

First line of the OP, Walter - they've been together 16m.

Hurr1cane · 10/10/2014 07:23

Thumb they have been together 16 months but I think what Walter meant was how long has the child known him. Hopefully it won't be for the full 16 months.

I only decided to introduce DP to DS after a year because I wanted to know it was really really serious before playing with my sons emotions. So realistically he might have only known his mums partner for 4 months.

Thumbwitch · 10/10/2014 07:24

Ah yes, if that's what Walter meant then fair play.

Penfold007 · 10/10/2014 07:37

Your son is crying out for reassurance and unconditional love. I am NOT saying you don't love him and reassure him what I am saying is; in his short life he has been rejected by his father and that hurts. He has bonded with your DP and his dad who is now facing a possible life impacting diagnosis. On top of that he has moved from primary to big school. Your lovely lad is pushing the boundaries and pushing your partner away rather than be 'abandoned' again.

Talk your son and reassure him. You and partner need to talk and present a united front. Your son might benefit from some talking therapy, speak to the school or your GP.

antimatter · 10/10/2014 07:41

I think you need to see your DS's form tutor to understand what's going on at school and work together to improve situation.

Looks like a lot is going on in your DS's life, esp if his dad is really not that botherer yet bothered enough to burden you and his son with news of his undiagnosed illness!!!! If he saw hime 6 times in the last year why telling him about something what child can't do much about.
I would really be very cross with my ex if that happened.

antimatter · 10/10/2014 07:52

also - I sense that DP went home because he might have expected different reaction to your DS behaviour after refusal of the food your DP was willing to make.

You need talk about that and also - what is really bothering your DS?
DOes he open up to you and talk about his worries?

Waltermittythesequel · 10/10/2014 07:53

Yes,that is what I meant! :)

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 19:46

I had known DP for 1 year before we got together as friends and DS knew him too so it wasn't a big introduction to a new boyfriend as they already knew each other. His form tutor is great and we are in email contact plus the SENCO has been very helpful. DS sees her weekly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 19:48

DS does talk to me about worries but only if I ask him first. He doesn't always volunteer information but is quite willing to talk once he gets started.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 10/10/2014 19:56

Concentrate on your son
Stop investing so much in the relationship with DP.
It might work out, it might not, but your son has one childhood. One first year at secondary school.
He has to be your first priority.
Take control of his behaviour, not to appease your man, but to give your son some safe boundaries and security.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 20:44

Update. I have just been dumped and he blamed it entirely on D?

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 20:45

DS

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 10/10/2014 21:06

So, he's an asshole.

You're well shot. And so is your ds.

I'm sorry he did this to you though Wine

rootypig · 10/10/2014 21:10

Flowers Wine being dumped is horrible. You dodged a bullet though, OP. Don't go back if he comes knocking. Enjoy some time cosied up with your boy.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 21:19

Actually, it's just me. DS is on a sleepover so I'm all by myself, have been crying on the phone to my sister and my friend who have been very nice Hmm

OP posts:
rootypig · 10/10/2014 21:21

I meant in the coming months Smile Sort of metaphorical. I hope you and DS will be ok OP. It sounds like a lot to cope with on your own.

For now, Wine

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 21:33

It feels a bit overwhelming, like I'm back to square one again. Just when I thought I was settled, a big disruption. DS may act up but he thinks the world of DP and will be gutted when I tell him.

OP posts:
rootypig · 10/10/2014 21:37

Ah DS Sad

Hugs for both of you. In Scotland they say 'what's for ye won't go by ye'. I really hope that's true.

wannabestressfree · 10/10/2014 21:39

Oh scrambled that's terrible.

I was in your shoes. I have a son with complex mental health problems, ASD and odd. My relationship broke down. I realised though that life doesn't have to be terrible with my sons - we are a unit. Whatever your dp has going on he has shat on you and your son. He isn't worth it.

Six years on I have been in a relationship for 4 years. I don't live with him and he is quietly in the background. My boys will soon be grown and then I will have my time. My responsibility is to them.

I am not condemning you. I have been there.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 21:45

That's interesting to know wannabe. I think that after this experience, I may have to consider waiting for a serious relationship until DS is much older. I am only 31 so would only be late 30s by then. We have had lots of fun together as a two. We have been on three holidays with one of those single parent companies, may look into one for next year Grin

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 10/10/2014 22:00

I am 36. You can inbox me whenever you like. For a chat or info on things available for your son. I have epilepsy too and Crohn's disease.

I love our little life. I really don't need someone to make me happy. The fact we do have it doesn't define me as their mum just is a lovely bonus :)

Polonium · 10/10/2014 22:29

Scrambled. I'm so sorry. Onwards and upwards. x

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/10/2014 22:32

But how can someone go in one week from saying how much they love you, sweet texts, leaving flowers outside my door, cooking for me, cuddles, always looking towards our future. To this. Cut dead, like I mean nothing. Like the last 16 months meant nothing. My heart is broken.

OP posts:
Polonium · 10/10/2014 22:35

Scrambled - how did he dump you? Did he really blame your son?