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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP and his job situation...I think I might kill him

231 replies

Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 18:13

Thought about a NC as I have complained about DP in the past and received a lot of useful advice. I have taken it on board. But this is a new issue.

I need help managing DP and getting him to take this (un)employment situation seriously.

The background is he is from Southern Europe, an area of high unemployment where a lot of young people do not have their first real job until they are mid-20s. He has never quite understood the working culture in the UK. He tells me that the fact that I had a job working PT when I was 17 is tantamount to child abuse and what a pity I missed out on the lovely childhood he had spending every day on the beach. Confused

So: he was suspended from his job on full pay in June. This wasn't totally unexpected as there had been ongoing issues with his performance for over a year and he had in fact been advised by a manager last year that he was considered incompetent and should look for another job. The grounds for his suspension were numerous as there were several complaints from one of his clients about the quality of his work. He suspension lasted around 3 months (long investigation) and during this time, despite knowing he would likely end up getting the sack, he did zero to find a new job. This was because he'd had enough of working for 'the man' and said if he was sacked he would take his employer to court and win a massive pay out. Cloud cuckoo land.

He was dismissed, as expected, and after taking legal advice he finally accepted the mega payout was not going to materialise and he would have to look for a new job. He then VERY reluctantly produced an atrocious CV which he haphazardly sent to a few agencies. When none of the agencies replied he said with barely concealed glee "well, that's a pity but at least I can look after DD on Fridays (our CM only works Mon-Thurs so we had previoulsy had to juggle her childcare arrangements on that day). He completely missed the point that we NEED 2 incomes to stay afloat.

I decided to re-do the CV for him. It was like getting blood out of stone just to get basic information such as his education and list of his responsibilities in his previous jobs etc. He was irritated and annoyed when I asked him a few basic questions. In short, I spent an entire day reworking the CV, creating a LinkedIn profile (of course he's 'never heard of LinkedIn') and sending off applications while he watched TV. He also decided that it was an optimal time to pursue his interest in alternative health remedies and signed up to an expensive part time distance course. I wouldn't have bothered making all this effort but as said we need his income.

After reworking the CV he was invited to about 8 interviews in the space of just 2 weeks and was offered a job last month. When he received the offer he was sullen and downcast as going back into the workforce would be a 'nightmare' and he would once again be caught up in the capitalist rat-race working like a slave etc. Hmm

Just to re-iterate he spent June, July and August at home relaxing while I worked FT and DD was at the childminder. We also have a cleaner so he doesn't do much housework either.

After 3 days in the new job he came home and complained that he was being worked too hard and asked to do dangerous jobs (he works in building maintenance). These were the same complaints he had about the job he was sacked from and from what I can gather he considers being asked to climb a ladder 'dangerous'. Finally he said he'd have to get a new job as he hated this new one so much. He arranged interviews via a few agencies. While I would ordinarily have been pleased with him taking some initiative, the problem was he taking time off his new job to attend the interviews as he apparently couldn't arrange them before or after work.

In the space of 3 weeks he took the equivalent of 5 or 6 days off to go to these interviews. Eventually his new manager (who works from a different location) called him at home one day to discuss his concerns over DP's attendance, timekeeping and general attitude. The new manager actually seemed to really like DP and said that he wanted to find a compromise to keep him happy. He therefore proposed a new, mobile role which would involve DP driving to different sites but the jobs he'd be carrying out would be more in keeping with the kind of things he wanted to do rather than the 'dangerous' tasks he was performing. DP's reponse? "Thanks but I don't like driving around too much as I get dizzy." I don't know if this is true or not, he has never mentioned dizziness before when driving.Hmm

The manager persuaded DP to nevertheless try the new role and a brand new van was delivered to our flat a couple of days later which DP was to use to drive to carry out his jobs. The first job he was assigned was at an airport about 1 hr drive from our place. The hours were 8am-5pm. DP woke up on the day and declared that he would not drive to the airport as he did not have a Satnav and was not sure how to get there. I offered him the use of one of Smartphones which has a map facility (I basically use it as a Sat Nav) and he said no as he is not good with technology. He therefore took the train and arrived 1.5 hours late.

On day 2 he took the train again and then took the afternoon off to attend yet another job interview.

On day 3 he once again refused to drive so arrived late and then left the airport site at 3pm without telling anyone as "it takes me 2 hours to get home so if I leave at 5pm I won't get home until 7pm and I am not paid from 5pm-7pm".

On day 4 I arrived home to find out he had been sacked. He had evidently exhausted the goodwill of even the manager who had tried to help him. Angry

So here we are. He has not heard back from any of the interviews he attended so he has basically probably lost this job for nothing. He is TOTALLY unconcerned and said is 'relishing' the time off so that he can catch up with his studies and spend quality time with DD. When I ask how he proposes we pay our bills at the end of this month, and indeed how he intends to pay for the course which has a monthly fee of £300, he tutted and replied "They can't take what we don't have. If I'm chucked off the course for non-payment I will enrol again next month. Tell the childminder we will have to reduce DD's hours. You need to learn to relax" And then he offered me a homeopathic remedy to calm me down.

I feel like I need an intervention because I have a young child and so do not want to end up in jail but I feel like I might want to kill him. But maybe I do need to breathe and relax. I'm hoping one of the multiple interviews turns into a job offer. I just cannot take the laid back 'que sera, sera' attitude.

Thank you if you've got this far. No-one needs to reply really. I just needed to get this off my chest and feel so much better now I've written it all down.
Off to drink some Wine
Eastie

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 07/10/2014 18:18

This reminds me of the only person I have ever sacked in my life.

Stage 1: Would you be able to manage financially if you cancel childcare and cleaner and he looks after dd?

Stage 2: would he do this in anything like the way that you would like dd to be cared for? not in every detail, but would he basically care for her well?

Stage 3: would you be able to manage if you boot him out, take your dd in with you and rent out a room?

notapizzaeater · 07/10/2014 18:18

WineBrewThanks Think you need all three ! I'd have had to kill him Myself ...

Bogeyface · 07/10/2014 18:19

Why are you still with him?

Genuine question, because I see nothing in this relationship that is good for you.

WitchWay · 07/10/2014 18:19

He sounds like a child!!

Humansatnav · 07/10/2014 18:20

2 words . Cock and lodger.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/10/2014 18:21

Yeah. FFS. I'd kill him too.

Is he the father of your child? Do you need him living in the same house as you, really? Not sure what the other complaints are, but this in isolation would do my head in.

petalsandstars · 07/10/2014 18:21

I'm sure someone else will say so but he sounds like a freeloading cocklodger! You'd be better off kicking him out and having one less mouth to feed imo.

ComradePlexiglass · 07/10/2014 18:21

I cannot quite believe this post is for real but if it is and you really want to stay with him(why?) cancel the chilDminder immediately and let him look after the kids until he finds a job.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 18:24

I don't understand why you are still there

he sounds like your common-or-garden sponging, lazy, feckless cocklodger

He won't step up...he would have done that already if he had it in him

Being a Southern European is no excuse. He lives in the UK now and he has responsibilities

I cannot believe he had the whole summer off while you still paid a childminder and he couldn't even be bothered to look after the housework

You are being taken for a fool

neolara · 07/10/2014 18:25

He sounds an absolute nightmare. Sorry. I think you're unlikely to change his attitude in the short term. The question then is what do you want to happen?

Anniegetyourgun · 07/10/2014 18:26

"You need to learn to relax" wtf?! Pass me the mallet, I'll kill him myself.

It's not time off to look after his child, is it; he's found a woman to keep him in the style to which he's accustomed (ie lazy bugger style) and is therefore planning to studiously avoid work for the rest of his natural existence - which will be a lot longer than yours because he won't go to an early grave through stress.

I say set the free spirit loose to wander the world in carefree abandon, and start looking for a proper life partner who pulls their weight!

Jacksonville14 · 07/10/2014 18:32

I read that in disbelief and also wonder why the hell you are with him. He offers nothing to you at all does he.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 07/10/2014 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Humansatnav · 07/10/2014 18:36

Wtf do you pay for a childminder and a cleaner if he is not working ?

Corygal · 07/10/2014 18:37

Ghastly. If you must stay with him, you'll end up supporting him. Do you really want to?

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 07/10/2014 18:39

He's an idle loser. You would be better off without him. You already have a child you will be paying solely for.

UpduffedFatty · 07/10/2014 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeftRightCentre · 07/10/2014 18:40

He's a fucking reject, OP. A lazy, feckless, sorry arse, cock lodging tool.

So you either fund him to do FA (he won't look after his child, he won't even work to feed her), knowing what he is, accept it and stop moaning about what a lazy, feckless, sorry arse, cock lodging tool, or you kick him out.

Cloudhowe63 · 07/10/2014 18:43

"Pass me the mallet, I'll kill him myself."

And I'll hold your jacket!

Bloody Hell, OP. Get shot.

lavenderhoney · 07/10/2014 18:43

I hope he's not joining you for a glass! Might be the last one you have, with no money coming in.

He's a nightmare.sorry op. Plenty of blokes from Southern Europe work their asses off. What's that got to do with it? He wants to be back on the beach doesnt he?

Don't pay him for child minding will you? Or doing housework? Gosh, he'd have been out of my hair with the " I lounged on a beach and got by somehow" this is not a man who wants to work. You're going to have the Devils own job to get him out. Do you rent? Is your dd his? If not give notice and rent alone. Unless it's in your name only then ask him to leave.

If it's your house please don't say he's on the deeds! With no financial input.

LIZS · 07/10/2014 18:45

fgs what course costs £300 per month and leads to something productive. Sounds more like one of these "learn how to get rich quick without any effort " schemes ie. a scam. He's using you as a meal ticket and acting like a petulant preteen. Does he really add anything positive to you or your dd's lives ? What kind of role model is he ?

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 18:45

OP, what the fuck do you do for a living ?

You are running a home, paying the bills, paying 300 quid a month for his "course", paying a cleaner and a funding a childminder while he sits on his arse

In that case, he is a very expensive exotic pet you have there

I suggest you ditch him and replace with a couple of bearded dragons or summat

motherinferior · 07/10/2014 18:46

Do you like him? Please please say no. Your life would clearly be far richer without him. You would then, probably, be able to breathe and relax.

Vitalstatistix · 07/10/2014 18:47

bloody hell, he's playing you for a right fool, isn't he?

What does he actually contribute to the relationship (I don't simply mean cash, there are many ways to make a full and equal contribution to a relationship - what's his?)

arseyfarcey · 07/10/2014 18:47

God! I'd kill him for you! What a fucking nightmare for you.

I agree you need to cancel your child minder and cleaner and make him do those jobs, bet he's not keen! If not I'd boot him out. I couldn't live with someone so flagrantly irresponsible.