DP and his job situation...I think I might kill him

[Eastie77]

Thought about a NC as I have complained about DP in the past and received a lot of useful advice. I have taken it on board. But this is a new issue.

I need help managing DP and getting him to take this (un)employment situation seriously.

The background is he is from Southern Europe, an area of high unemployment where a lot of young people do not have their first real job until they are mid-20s. He has never quite understood the working culture in the UK. He tells me that the fact that I had a job working PT when I was 17 is tantamount to child abuse and what a pity I missed out on the lovely childhood he had spending every day on the beach.

So: he was suspended from his job on full pay in June. This wasn't totally unexpected as there had been ongoing issues with his performance for over a year and he had in fact been advised by a manager last year that he was considered incompetent and should look for another job. The grounds for his suspension were numerous as there were several complaints from one of his clients about the quality of his work. He suspension lasted around 3 months (long investigation) and during this time, despite knowing he would likely end up getting the sack, he did zero to find a new job. This was because he'd had enough of working for 'the man' and said if he was sacked he would take his employer to court and win a massive pay out. Cloud cuckoo land.

He was dismissed, as expected, and after taking legal advice he finally accepted the mega payout was not going to materialise and he would have to look for a new job. He then VERY reluctantly produced an atrocious CV which he haphazardly sent to a few agencies. When none of the agencies replied he said with barely concealed glee "well, that's a pity but at least I can look after DD on Fridays (our CM only works Mon-Thurs so we had previoulsy had to juggle her childcare arrangements on that day). He completely missed the point that we NEED 2 incomes to stay afloat.

I decided to re-do the CV for him. It was like getting blood out of stone just to get basic information such as his education and list of his responsibilities in his previous jobs etc. He was irritated and annoyed when I asked him a few basic questions. In short, I spent an entire day reworking the CV, creating a LinkedIn profile (of course he's 'never heard of LinkedIn') and sending off applications while he watched TV. He also decided that it was an optimal time to pursue his interest in alternative health remedies and signed up to an expensive part time distance course. I wouldn't have bothered making all this effort but as said we need his income.

After reworking the CV he was invited to about 8 interviews in the space of just 2 weeks and was offered a job last month. When he received the offer he was sullen and downcast as going back into the workforce would be a 'nightmare' and he would once again be caught up in the capitalist rat-race working like a slave etc.

Just to re-iterate he spent June, July and August at home relaxing while I worked FT and DD was at the childminder. We also have a cleaner so he doesn't do much housework either.

After 3 days in the new job he came home and complained that he was being worked too hard and asked to do dangerous jobs (he works in building maintenance). These were the same complaints he had about the job he was sacked from and from what I can gather he considers being asked to climb a ladder 'dangerous'. Finally he said he'd have to get a new job as he hated this new one so much. He arranged interviews via a few agencies. While I would ordinarily have been pleased with him taking some initiative, the problem was he taking time off his new job to attend the interviews as he apparently couldn't arrange them before or after work.

In the space of 3 weeks he took the equivalent of 5 or 6 days off to go to these interviews. Eventually his new manager (who works from a different location) called him at home one day to discuss his concerns over DP's attendance, timekeeping and general attitude. The new manager actually seemed to really like DP and said that he wanted to find a compromise to keep him happy. He therefore proposed a new, mobile role which would involve DP driving to different sites but the jobs he'd be carrying out would be more in keeping with the kind of things he wanted to do rather than the 'dangerous' tasks he was performing. DP's reponse? "Thanks but I don't like driving around too much as I get dizzy." I don't know if this is true or not, he has never mentioned dizziness before when driving.

The manager persuaded DP to nevertheless try the new role and a brand new van was delivered to our flat a couple of days later which DP was to use to drive to carry out his jobs. The first job he was assigned was at an airport about 1 hr drive from our place. The hours were 8am-5pm. DP woke up on the day and declared that he would not drive to the airport as he did not have a Satnav and was not sure how to get there. I offered him the use of one of Smartphones which has a map facility (I basically use it as a Sat Nav) and he said no as he is not good with technology. He therefore took the train and arrived 1.5 hours late.

On day 2 he took the train again and then took the afternoon off to attend yet another job interview.

On day 3 he once again refused to drive so arrived late and then left the airport site at 3pm without telling anyone as "it takes me 2 hours to get home so if I leave at 5pm I won't get home until 7pm and I am not paid from 5pm-7pm".

On day 4 I arrived home to find out he had been sacked. He had evidently exhausted the goodwill of even the manager who had tried to help him.

So here we are. He has not heard back from any of the interviews he attended so he has basically probably lost this job for nothing. He is TOTALLY unconcerned and said is 'relishing' the time off so that he can catch up with his studies and spend quality time with DD. When I ask how he proposes we pay our bills at the end of this month, and indeed how he intends to pay for the course which has a monthly fee of £300, he tutted and replied "They can't take what we don't have. If I'm chucked off the course for non-payment I will enrol again next month. Tell the childminder we will have to reduce DD's hours. You need to learn to relax" And then he offered me a homeopathic remedy to calm me down.

I feel like I need an intervention because I have a young child and so do not want to end up in jail but I feel like I might want to kill him. But maybe I do need to breathe and relax. I'm hoping one of the multiple interviews turns into a job offer. I just cannot take the laid back 'que sera, sera' attitude.

Thank you if you've got this far. No-one needs to reply really. I just needed to get this off my chest and feel so much better now I've written it all down.
Off to drink some
Eastie

If he becomes full time carer for your child because he won't work he could justifiably claim custody if you split up.. Personally I'd keep the childminder and ditch the freeloader ...in that order

Of course if this thread was about a woman there would be uproar and support for him not working

There is always one playing the "reversed gender card", making assumptions about the reversed role....

Not true frontforward.

I would be just as outraged if a woman behaved so badly as to get themselves fired or sat on their butt all day while their child was in child care, their partner was out working and part of the partner's wage was being spent on a cleaner.

Sorry if that was harsh, but please listen to the advice given on here. It was advice I read on another thread that gave me the push to actually do something about my situation.

nope, if this was a man posting about his female DP sabotaging jobs, getting sacked for pathetic reasons and sitting at home while still expecting a cleaner and childminder to be paid for and pick up most of the domestic chores then I would be equally outraged.

Not if the hypothetical woman was not working AND not being a SAHP. This bloke is getting all the benefits of being in a relationship (partner, home, child) without any of the responsibilities.

Frontforward - if a woman was refusing to work and also refusing to do housework or look after the children I don't think you'd find many posters supporting her.

OP, I understand why you didn't immediately disrupt childcare and cleaning arrangements as you have found a CM you and your dd like, and as you hoped he would be working again. But unfortunately the side effect of that is that you've enabled his behaviour. You've given him the impression that there is not a choice between working or doing the childcare/housework, but that there is a third option where he does neither. Unless he has relevant physical or mental disabilities (and it doesn't sound like he does from what you've said so far), you need to make it clear that him not working means he will definitely have to provide full time childcare and do his share of housework/cooking and so on. This might mean you can't save, but if you don't make that clear I doubt he will stick at a job and you won't be saving anyway.

FrontForward has a point about custody though, you need to think about want you want for the future before making any drastic decisions. It doesn't seem likely that even giving him the choices above will make much difference in the long term.

Why don't you tell him that without two of you working, you can't have a CM or cleaner, so you have decided you want to be a SAHM, and he needs to find a job that will cover all your costs so this can begin asap .

Yes in your position I wouldn't want him to become the FT carer either - with that attitude for hard work I'd worry about your DD and also he could seek custody if you do split. Getting himself sacked so easily is really quite worrying - it doesn't bode well for the future always having to be the one picking up the slack and being responsible (and I've not read your thee threads).

FF, epic fail on the attempted Menz switcharoo there

Better luck next time, eh, but I recommend you engage brain before fingers first

This is who he is and by the sounds of it, always has been - a lazy entitled manchild. You are now paying the price (quite literally) of ignoring the cocklidger warning signs.

If you really need to two salaries then the answer is quite simple, he either earns his keep or leaves. There are no magic combination of words or actions that will stop him being who he is. However, self interest is a great motivator and if anything can get this guy moving, it is the certain probability of being without a home or pennies.

Nah I agree with FF actually, the OP almost reads like a reverse.

But that's not the point: OP do you even like DP? Is he going to change? Do you want to be with him if he doesn't? Are you happy with the example he's setting to your DD?

I hope you find a solution soon. I don't think this is to do with where he's from. He sounds like he wants to lead an alternative lifestyle without the means to support himself and is simply taking advantage of you!

So he was a working FT professional when you met him but now he's been sacked several times and can't hold down a job for longer than 3 weeks?
You say one thing then defend him a few posts later OP.

He must have had pound signs going kerching kerching whn he met you and discovered you earn a very good salary, he now has a good life with no effort. You are deluded. The man is using you.

Tell him if he no longer wants to 'work for the man' you can no longer 'support the man' i.e him.

Wake up OP and stop making out he is like this because he is from Southern Europe, it's nothing to do with his nationality or culture, he's a lazy bone idle cocklodger and you are allowing him to be one.

Of course if this thread was about a woman there would be uproar and support for him not working

How so?

Do not marry him or add him to the deeds of your flat. If he becomes the SAHP and you get fed up with that and split up then he will probably get primary residence of your DD and the child benefit and tax credits, and you will have to pay him child maintenance. Be very careful what you agree to here as saying he can be the SAHP may seem like the solution now but if you are doing this reluctantly! be aware that he would then be seen as the main carer, just like a SAHM would be.

I agree with FF, especially as I have been the woman who did a course like this by ou know a part time course that is giving you a degree at the end

OP be cure making any judgement iroukd like to know
1- is the wage of your do above the cost if childcare?
2- you say your do has had issues with his job. Does he really hate his job it he can't be bothered? I know that a lot if things that companies expect people to do here would be seen as unacceptable in France fur example (I know I went to France to see a customer once with a few other people. I got a real bollocking from the customer to have asked them to X and Y as it was really inappropriate. The people that were with me had decided to do the job that way and couldn't see the issue with it. I wasn't their boss either btw)
3- what sort of course would he like to do? Some nutrition courses are degrees, even if they look part time in paper. The self study is A LOT. Plus I would expect days in 'clinic' seeing patients etc. I know quite a few people who have done courses like this, thinking they would be able to work full time along side. None if them lasted after the first year.
3- would you be as dismissive of him studying if it was another subject than a CAM?

I found your post about your discussion rather telling, in that you said that you asked him how he could continue living with you without contributing financially.

It sounds to me that if that is what you really said that you've already accepted at some level to let him do just that.

If you want a semi-trained household pet, get a cat. And as for your so-called 'partner' get rid.

What Stripy said. You cut out the CM and cleaner and you just got yourself a millstone for life, you split and he gets the child and the flat. Gratis.

He's a clever one. I agree, why work for da Man when you can do FA and da Woman foots the bill for it all?

My God, he sounds precious. You say when you got pregnant, he was working full time. What's the longest period he has held down a job? How old is he?

Also you say he always pays his share. No, he doesn't because it sounds he is out of work more than he is in it. Putting a few hundred quid in a joint bank account once doesn't count.

I have a patio you can use to dispose of the body. You are completely bonkers carrying on like this. He is a twat of the first order - just because he makes all the right noises with your DC doesn't mean he is a real man who works at his marriage and makes efforts to support his family. He obviously has zilch self respect - at least I hope it's that because the alternative is very unsavoury, i.e. he is deliberately taking advantage of every aspect of your good character.

Same advice as you got last time from nearly all of us.
Kick him to the curb he is a waste of space.
He will NEVER step up.
You'll be soooo much better off without him!
Seriously, you need to be told this stuff twice?
You seem like an intelligent woman.
Stop putting up with this cocklodging weasel!
He will find somewhere to stay so just kick him out.
You don't OWE him anything at all.

OK, you get childcare vouchers, your DD likes the childminder, and you have reservations about him looking after her because he only does what he likes, not whats best for DD.
That doesnt deal with the cleaner.
I think at a minimum he should be taking over all that role while he is not working - doing all the housework, all the shopping, all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the CM drop offs and pick ups, all the washing and the ironing, and all the bedtimes if you are working late. He can have his evenings and weekends off like you.
Perhaps he could at least bring some PT wages in.
His potential training/future employment is in an area which is not gaining employment - the recession dessimated the market, and there are plenty of very experienced nutritionists/alternative therapists who are waiting to take up the slack once people start having some spare cash, so why would they come to him? If he isnt motivated enough to stick at jobs where the boss is practiacally falling over themselves to help, what makes you think he has the drive and motivation to work for himself? You need to be MORE organised, MORE driven and be better that all the others around. It takes years to get a good reputation and a few 'cant be bothered' no shows for clients, especially if he is hoping to charge a fair amount, will finish him - word of mouth and personal recommendation are the core to building a business in that sphere.

I suspect he sees himself as some sort of special guru, with gullible women flocking to him for his wise words and healing ways...

If he wants to qualify in 'nutrition', he ought to be doing a state-registered dietician course. Not a 'nutritional therapy' one.

I think at a minimum he should be taking over all that role...

Yeah, but he's a lazy, entitled cunt so the likelihood of him demeaning himself with a bit of ironing seems slim.

NettleTea do you have any idea of the market for CAMs? Are you one yourself maybe? Because I can promise you that,as an insider, I have NOT seen the market being decimated. Actually even during the recession, I didn't a real dip in t iwn business and neither did most if my colleagues. The ones that are struggling now were struggling before in 'a time if abundance'.
Just saying...,