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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP and his job situation...I think I might kill him

231 replies

Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 18:13

Thought about a NC as I have complained about DP in the past and received a lot of useful advice. I have taken it on board. But this is a new issue.

I need help managing DP and getting him to take this (un)employment situation seriously.

The background is he is from Southern Europe, an area of high unemployment where a lot of young people do not have their first real job until they are mid-20s. He has never quite understood the working culture in the UK. He tells me that the fact that I had a job working PT when I was 17 is tantamount to child abuse and what a pity I missed out on the lovely childhood he had spending every day on the beach. Confused

So: he was suspended from his job on full pay in June. This wasn't totally unexpected as there had been ongoing issues with his performance for over a year and he had in fact been advised by a manager last year that he was considered incompetent and should look for another job. The grounds for his suspension were numerous as there were several complaints from one of his clients about the quality of his work. He suspension lasted around 3 months (long investigation) and during this time, despite knowing he would likely end up getting the sack, he did zero to find a new job. This was because he'd had enough of working for 'the man' and said if he was sacked he would take his employer to court and win a massive pay out. Cloud cuckoo land.

He was dismissed, as expected, and after taking legal advice he finally accepted the mega payout was not going to materialise and he would have to look for a new job. He then VERY reluctantly produced an atrocious CV which he haphazardly sent to a few agencies. When none of the agencies replied he said with barely concealed glee "well, that's a pity but at least I can look after DD on Fridays (our CM only works Mon-Thurs so we had previoulsy had to juggle her childcare arrangements on that day). He completely missed the point that we NEED 2 incomes to stay afloat.

I decided to re-do the CV for him. It was like getting blood out of stone just to get basic information such as his education and list of his responsibilities in his previous jobs etc. He was irritated and annoyed when I asked him a few basic questions. In short, I spent an entire day reworking the CV, creating a LinkedIn profile (of course he's 'never heard of LinkedIn') and sending off applications while he watched TV. He also decided that it was an optimal time to pursue his interest in alternative health remedies and signed up to an expensive part time distance course. I wouldn't have bothered making all this effort but as said we need his income.

After reworking the CV he was invited to about 8 interviews in the space of just 2 weeks and was offered a job last month. When he received the offer he was sullen and downcast as going back into the workforce would be a 'nightmare' and he would once again be caught up in the capitalist rat-race working like a slave etc. Hmm

Just to re-iterate he spent June, July and August at home relaxing while I worked FT and DD was at the childminder. We also have a cleaner so he doesn't do much housework either.

After 3 days in the new job he came home and complained that he was being worked too hard and asked to do dangerous jobs (he works in building maintenance). These were the same complaints he had about the job he was sacked from and from what I can gather he considers being asked to climb a ladder 'dangerous'. Finally he said he'd have to get a new job as he hated this new one so much. He arranged interviews via a few agencies. While I would ordinarily have been pleased with him taking some initiative, the problem was he taking time off his new job to attend the interviews as he apparently couldn't arrange them before or after work.

In the space of 3 weeks he took the equivalent of 5 or 6 days off to go to these interviews. Eventually his new manager (who works from a different location) called him at home one day to discuss his concerns over DP's attendance, timekeeping and general attitude. The new manager actually seemed to really like DP and said that he wanted to find a compromise to keep him happy. He therefore proposed a new, mobile role which would involve DP driving to different sites but the jobs he'd be carrying out would be more in keeping with the kind of things he wanted to do rather than the 'dangerous' tasks he was performing. DP's reponse? "Thanks but I don't like driving around too much as I get dizzy." I don't know if this is true or not, he has never mentioned dizziness before when driving.Hmm

The manager persuaded DP to nevertheless try the new role and a brand new van was delivered to our flat a couple of days later which DP was to use to drive to carry out his jobs. The first job he was assigned was at an airport about 1 hr drive from our place. The hours were 8am-5pm. DP woke up on the day and declared that he would not drive to the airport as he did not have a Satnav and was not sure how to get there. I offered him the use of one of Smartphones which has a map facility (I basically use it as a Sat Nav) and he said no as he is not good with technology. He therefore took the train and arrived 1.5 hours late.

On day 2 he took the train again and then took the afternoon off to attend yet another job interview.

On day 3 he once again refused to drive so arrived late and then left the airport site at 3pm without telling anyone as "it takes me 2 hours to get home so if I leave at 5pm I won't get home until 7pm and I am not paid from 5pm-7pm".

On day 4 I arrived home to find out he had been sacked. He had evidently exhausted the goodwill of even the manager who had tried to help him. Angry

So here we are. He has not heard back from any of the interviews he attended so he has basically probably lost this job for nothing. He is TOTALLY unconcerned and said is 'relishing' the time off so that he can catch up with his studies and spend quality time with DD. When I ask how he proposes we pay our bills at the end of this month, and indeed how he intends to pay for the course which has a monthly fee of £300, he tutted and replied "They can't take what we don't have. If I'm chucked off the course for non-payment I will enrol again next month. Tell the childminder we will have to reduce DD's hours. You need to learn to relax" And then he offered me a homeopathic remedy to calm me down.

I feel like I need an intervention because I have a young child and so do not want to end up in jail but I feel like I might want to kill him. But maybe I do need to breathe and relax. I'm hoping one of the multiple interviews turns into a job offer. I just cannot take the laid back 'que sera, sera' attitude.

Thank you if you've got this far. No-one needs to reply really. I just needed to get this off my chest and feel so much better now I've written it all down.
Off to drink some Wine
Eastie

OP posts:
McFox · 07/10/2014 20:13

Kill him or leave the prick, those are your only options.

DiaDuit · 07/10/2014 20:14

Weekends he will get up, make breakfast, take her out if i want a lie-in etc. When it comes to her nothing is too much trouble.

Except socialising her?

maras2 · 07/10/2014 20:14

Either this is a wind up or you are the most naive person who's ever posted on Mumsnet.If you are genuine then please take all of the above advice and seek some sort of assertiveness therapy.

inlectorecumbit · 07/10/2014 20:15

Lazy sponger who is happy to let his DP do all the hard work, will happily stay at home while someone else id paid to look after his DD ( who he is wonderful with !!! so wonderful that he doesn't really want to look after her while DP is at work) too lazy to help around the house so a cleaner is needed while he ??? just what does he do?? What useful purpose does his existence bring to help your life??
He won't work because basically he doesn't want to-he has you to do it all.
Wisen up OP -get rid !!

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 20:15

He must pricked a hole in the condom done a massive happy Dance when he upduffed you

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 20:15

must have

Itsfab · 07/10/2014 20:17

I think I would have thrown the homeopathic remedy at him.

Nothing you said in his "good" list makes up for the fact that he is a lazy fucker who disrespects you and your child massively.

Only1scoop · 07/10/2014 20:17

Easty can I move in with you please....

Itsfab · 07/10/2014 20:19

Decent partners bring their loved ones a drink in bed, take it in turns at having the child so the other can have a rest. Doesn't make him a God and you should stop seeing him as such. If he empties the dishwasher I suspect he would tell you he has done it for you Hmm.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/10/2014 20:20

Seriously what does he do all day? Computer games? Gym? Watch TV? Sleep? Why is he not bored out of his skull??

TheWordFactory · 07/10/2014 20:22

OP if you won't leave him, then you may as well let him be a SAHD.

It's daft paying childccare when one parent isn't working.

Personally I couldn't live with such a feckless creature and wouldn't want him in my life, but you obviously do so you may as well get some value from him!

AnyFucker · 07/10/2014 20:23

he isn't a SAHD if he doesn't do any SAHD'ing

I keep saying that and no one is listening, most of all the OP

rollonthesummer · 07/10/2014 20:24

I'm frankly amazed he's getting all these interviews and second interviews!

Who owns your house?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 07/10/2014 20:24

He isn't going to change, ever. Either continue to put up with his lazy, incompetent behaviour or get rid.

Corabell · 07/10/2014 20:25

My DH does all the things you mention with out DD and works full time. Your partner is parenting, that's all.

What if you are long term sick? Or made redundant?

Although your take home pay sounds good, I don't think it's that great for London ( not that I am based there).

He doesn't get to become a kept man just because he wants to. If he wants I be a SAHP and it's best for all of you then fine but he sounds super selfish ( doesn't do toddler groups ... Just as well that you still pay for that CM then)

Thurlow · 07/10/2014 20:25

OK, let's backtrack slightly.

You've posted about your DP repeatedly. You know something is wrong.

What do you want from these threads?

No one can make him want to work.

Until you point out to him that he contributes equally to the relationship either by working or by being the SAHP who does all the childcare and most of the housework, you're just enabling him.

None of your positives are anything more than what normal partners do in a relationship.

What is his incentive to do anything if you continue to pay the bills and let him have 4 days at home every week pissing around?

So - what do you want us to say?

Iflyaway · 07/10/2014 20:31

My sister is married and living in Southern Europe. They both always worked full time.

I really could not be attracted to a man as you describe. Life as a LP is so much simpler and cheaper without a cocklodger like that in it, never mind the peace of mind and non-draining energy suction.....

I know cos I'm doing it.

Bakeoffcakes · 07/10/2014 20:33

He makes you angry, takes advantage of you're good nature and makes your life more difficult.

He will NEVER be the man you want or deserve.

Do yourself and your DD a massive favour and kick him out.

QuintessentiallyQS · 07/10/2014 20:33

You know you need to rent him a therapy room soon, for him to see his clients.

And by night, he will be a salsa instructor....

maras2 · 07/10/2014 20:34

I was horrified by your post when you were pregnant and his frankly bizarre attitude to you.Re read some of your previous posts about this man and ask yourself 'why am I still here?'

carlywurly · 07/10/2014 20:37

I'd move him out and an au pair in. Seriously.

Better return for your dosh. He sounds a feckless sponger, I'm afraid.

rollonthesummer · 07/10/2014 20:40

Who paid for him before you came along?

ImperialBlether · 07/10/2014 20:41

Oh god, he's the one who got over-involved in your pregnancy, isn't he? He came across as being extremely controlling. How was he during your labour?

And now he's studying homeopathic medicine at your expense...

Kundry · 07/10/2014 20:42

So going through his good points in turn:

  1. As above he is great with DD. And I know this sounds selfish but the fact that he, for example, picks her up for CM and does her dinner and bath means that if I have to work late (not a regular thing) or do a client meal I can do do so without worrying about her. I know this doesn't compensate for his laziness in other areas

This doesn't sound selfish on your part. This sounds like the barest minimum you would expect from shared parenting. It's not 'being great with DD', it's frankly the minimum you would expect and shouldn't even require you to ask for it.

  1. He is kind, thoughtful, generous..I should add that when he works he pays his way without a murmur. Money goes straight into our account without fail. He has never not paid his share

It is easy to be generous with someone else's money. Paying money into your joint account isn't something to be impressed by, it's normal behaviour for couples who have chosen a joint account. And he doesn't pay his share does he - because he's never bloody working!

  1. He told me today that he has a second round interview for one of the jobs he applied for. But he didn't sound that enthusiastic about it.

This isn't a good point is it? Honestly, do you seriously think this is a good point!

Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 20:42

Yes I am losing respect and I know that will be fatal to this relationship.

He could be a SAHP but then I would not be able to save and we will never move out of this flat without financial assistance from my parents and I don't want to go down that route, I haven't asked them for money since I was 19! The alternative is for me to look for a higher paying jobs. There are roles paying £60k plus I could go for but I know the hours would be insane.

No way is marriage happening. But I would like a sibling for DD one day..

Just to clarify a few points:-

I haven't NC, I considered it as I have been told to LTB etc before and wanted a fresh perspective but couldn't be bothered to in the end.

Lauriefairycake - I do not finance his course and have no intention of doing so! We don't live in a posh part of town either, sadlySmile It's a v deprived area but has become v trendy in recent years. And DP would be horrified at being called Spanish, he is ItalianGrin. But yes point taken.

Quitelikely - I'm happy to support his course but it is a weekend course once a month + self study. So he can combine it with a full time job.

Tonight he has suggested raising cash by selling a property he and siblings inherited from his parents who have passed away. This will finance him not working. Not sure how he thinks that will work as his siblings will not want to sell.

OP posts: