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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP and his job situation...I think I might kill him

231 replies

Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 18:13

Thought about a NC as I have complained about DP in the past and received a lot of useful advice. I have taken it on board. But this is a new issue.

I need help managing DP and getting him to take this (un)employment situation seriously.

The background is he is from Southern Europe, an area of high unemployment where a lot of young people do not have their first real job until they are mid-20s. He has never quite understood the working culture in the UK. He tells me that the fact that I had a job working PT when I was 17 is tantamount to child abuse and what a pity I missed out on the lovely childhood he had spending every day on the beach. Confused

So: he was suspended from his job on full pay in June. This wasn't totally unexpected as there had been ongoing issues with his performance for over a year and he had in fact been advised by a manager last year that he was considered incompetent and should look for another job. The grounds for his suspension were numerous as there were several complaints from one of his clients about the quality of his work. He suspension lasted around 3 months (long investigation) and during this time, despite knowing he would likely end up getting the sack, he did zero to find a new job. This was because he'd had enough of working for 'the man' and said if he was sacked he would take his employer to court and win a massive pay out. Cloud cuckoo land.

He was dismissed, as expected, and after taking legal advice he finally accepted the mega payout was not going to materialise and he would have to look for a new job. He then VERY reluctantly produced an atrocious CV which he haphazardly sent to a few agencies. When none of the agencies replied he said with barely concealed glee "well, that's a pity but at least I can look after DD on Fridays (our CM only works Mon-Thurs so we had previoulsy had to juggle her childcare arrangements on that day). He completely missed the point that we NEED 2 incomes to stay afloat.

I decided to re-do the CV for him. It was like getting blood out of stone just to get basic information such as his education and list of his responsibilities in his previous jobs etc. He was irritated and annoyed when I asked him a few basic questions. In short, I spent an entire day reworking the CV, creating a LinkedIn profile (of course he's 'never heard of LinkedIn') and sending off applications while he watched TV. He also decided that it was an optimal time to pursue his interest in alternative health remedies and signed up to an expensive part time distance course. I wouldn't have bothered making all this effort but as said we need his income.

After reworking the CV he was invited to about 8 interviews in the space of just 2 weeks and was offered a job last month. When he received the offer he was sullen and downcast as going back into the workforce would be a 'nightmare' and he would once again be caught up in the capitalist rat-race working like a slave etc. Hmm

Just to re-iterate he spent June, July and August at home relaxing while I worked FT and DD was at the childminder. We also have a cleaner so he doesn't do much housework either.

After 3 days in the new job he came home and complained that he was being worked too hard and asked to do dangerous jobs (he works in building maintenance). These were the same complaints he had about the job he was sacked from and from what I can gather he considers being asked to climb a ladder 'dangerous'. Finally he said he'd have to get a new job as he hated this new one so much. He arranged interviews via a few agencies. While I would ordinarily have been pleased with him taking some initiative, the problem was he taking time off his new job to attend the interviews as he apparently couldn't arrange them before or after work.

In the space of 3 weeks he took the equivalent of 5 or 6 days off to go to these interviews. Eventually his new manager (who works from a different location) called him at home one day to discuss his concerns over DP's attendance, timekeeping and general attitude. The new manager actually seemed to really like DP and said that he wanted to find a compromise to keep him happy. He therefore proposed a new, mobile role which would involve DP driving to different sites but the jobs he'd be carrying out would be more in keeping with the kind of things he wanted to do rather than the 'dangerous' tasks he was performing. DP's reponse? "Thanks but I don't like driving around too much as I get dizzy." I don't know if this is true or not, he has never mentioned dizziness before when driving.Hmm

The manager persuaded DP to nevertheless try the new role and a brand new van was delivered to our flat a couple of days later which DP was to use to drive to carry out his jobs. The first job he was assigned was at an airport about 1 hr drive from our place. The hours were 8am-5pm. DP woke up on the day and declared that he would not drive to the airport as he did not have a Satnav and was not sure how to get there. I offered him the use of one of Smartphones which has a map facility (I basically use it as a Sat Nav) and he said no as he is not good with technology. He therefore took the train and arrived 1.5 hours late.

On day 2 he took the train again and then took the afternoon off to attend yet another job interview.

On day 3 he once again refused to drive so arrived late and then left the airport site at 3pm without telling anyone as "it takes me 2 hours to get home so if I leave at 5pm I won't get home until 7pm and I am not paid from 5pm-7pm".

On day 4 I arrived home to find out he had been sacked. He had evidently exhausted the goodwill of even the manager who had tried to help him. Angry

So here we are. He has not heard back from any of the interviews he attended so he has basically probably lost this job for nothing. He is TOTALLY unconcerned and said is 'relishing' the time off so that he can catch up with his studies and spend quality time with DD. When I ask how he proposes we pay our bills at the end of this month, and indeed how he intends to pay for the course which has a monthly fee of £300, he tutted and replied "They can't take what we don't have. If I'm chucked off the course for non-payment I will enrol again next month. Tell the childminder we will have to reduce DD's hours. You need to learn to relax" And then he offered me a homeopathic remedy to calm me down.

I feel like I need an intervention because I have a young child and so do not want to end up in jail but I feel like I might want to kill him. But maybe I do need to breathe and relax. I'm hoping one of the multiple interviews turns into a job offer. I just cannot take the laid back 'que sera, sera' attitude.

Thank you if you've got this far. No-one needs to reply really. I just needed to get this off my chest and feel so much better now I've written it all down.
Off to drink some Wine
Eastie

OP posts:
Thurlow · 07/10/2014 20:44

Eastie, what do you want us to say?

Dowser · 07/10/2014 20:44

Cocklodger!

Love it! Never heard that one before.

Roflmao!

Corabell · 07/10/2014 20:46

OP, why are you posting? What are you hoping to gain from this?

I am outraged that you seem so passive in the face of complete brass necked ness.

If he has access to an inheritance why would he not use it to put towards a family home?

Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 20:50

Ok. I know I am exasperating many of you, sorry. I just wanted to vent. I don't know what I wanted any of you to say - I just wanted to get it all out.

I'm taking on board all the comments. I know I have to make some decisions for my sake and DD's. I know it will not be good for her to grow up witnessing this dynamic. I know.

Thank you for the advice/comments, even the harsh ones. It has forced me to start making some tough decisions.

Eastie x

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 07/10/2014 20:52

OP how did you ever have any respect for him?

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/10/2014 20:54

I think you're being taken advantage of.

Thurlow · 07/10/2014 20:59

Take your time to think about it. I think you know, deep down, that things are not working now and that something has to change. You just have to decide for yourself what you want, and what you want to tell him.

coolbeans · 07/10/2014 21:00

I'm another who would like to know: "what do you want from him"?

Do you want him to change? Because it seems unlikely.

Also, I get the impression that actually, you don't really mind his attitude and behaviour. Not really - not enough to leave. Because it's Southern European and all a bit exotic and romantic and different and far more exciting than ending up with an accountant who works hard and grew up in Surrey.

I get that - I do.

But you might as well acknowledge that and work with it rather than be frustrated and disappointed. Or you're going to drive yourself mad.

Cloudhowe63 · 07/10/2014 21:04

Eastie, it is cathartic to vent - but at some point you know will have to take the next step for your own sanity, don't you?

QuintessentiallyQS · 07/10/2014 21:11

"If he has access to an inheritance why would he not use it to put towards a family home?"

Indeed, he wants it to fund himself. Hmm No surprise there. You pay for you, your dd and him. And he pays for .... HIM!

Chandon · 07/10/2014 21:11

I am sure he is also charming and fun, when he is nit maddening.

It just sounds like no way to live.

My cousin is like this, his poor wife has supported him for over 20 years now. They live hand to mouth constantly as she works two jobs to pay off his debts( he occasionally has business or study plans, that need money, and never work out)

Their oldest son is now 20, and... Can't work for a boss, can't work really, lives off his mum. Youngest son just dropped out off school.... They are just like their dad.

And she just works her arse off.

Some women just seem to accept that, it is incomprehensible to others!

QuintessentiallyQS · 07/10/2014 21:12

Your dd will grow up and think that men are entitled to lay around and do nothing, while women work their asses off and service their men. And she will model her own relationships on what she sees at home.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 07/10/2014 21:13

Jesus Christ.

Either he gets a job or he status at home and does every bit of childcare and housework during those hours. Paying for that stuff is ludicrous if one of you is at home. If you wouldn't want him caring for your DC full time then why the fuck did you have kids with him?

He isn't a sahp. But if he wants to stay at home, make him be one.

Oh and if you allow this situation to continue, you kind of deserve it. If you act like a doormat, you can only expect people to walk all over you.

DiaDuit · 07/10/2014 21:13

No way is marriage happening. But I would like a sibling for DD one day..

What planet are you on? You want another child with this cockloder. You basically have two children already with no support from him other than an hour or two at the weekends! Why on earth do you think it'll be a good idea to bring another baby into the mix to double your childcare bill and workload at home? Or are you really just keeping him around as a sperm donor?

CocktailQueen · 07/10/2014 21:16

Reading thread like this: Shock

Have you asked him why he thinks it's fair for him not to be in the 'rat race' and for him to loaf around at home while YOU are working your fingers to the bone? What does he say to that? Where does he THINK the money to pay your mortgage, cleaner, CM etc is coming from??

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, man-child cocklodger. Can't think of anything good you can be getting from this relationship, OP. PLEASE don't have another child with him! Why would you?!

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2014 21:19

So, as EVERYONE has rammed home, the job stuff is APPALLING. And I don't know the backstory, but it don't sound too rosy...

IF you agreed to support him changing careers, and IF he had a plan, and IF he would be a proper SAHD in charge of the household and childcare while you worked, including going to toddler groups and making your DD's early years stimulating, then that would be one thing. But it's not. You can have no confidence that he'll ever stick to a job, whatever sort it is. That will kill the relationship, and you know it.

If you must stay, then you need to own your compromises and get rid of the cleaner and the excellent childminder and the chance of moving from your flat anytime in the near future. Is he worth the compromises?

If you are going to go, keep the excellent childminder, arrange custody/access so you always know the days of the week he has your DD so you can arrange client meetings on those days & tell work your plan. Keep the cleaner. Be in charge of your own destiny.

hotblacktea · 07/10/2014 21:44

LTB, he has no respect for you or your DD

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/10/2014 21:50

Getting rid of the childminder and the cleaner for him to be the SAHD will just be delaying the inevitable.

His attitude to work stinks! He's the type who thinks he's much too "free-spirited" to be a boring old employee slogging his guts out for The Man. If he really had an ounce of entrepreneural gumption he'd already have a business or some form of self-employment on the go. But he's really just a loafer and a piss-taker.

The most insulting part of it is that he's fucking stupid enough to think he's actually taken you in. You're obviously not a dingbat as you're earning a really decent salary but you must be very naive to have let him hoodwink you like this for so long.

alphabook · 07/10/2014 21:52

He sounds like a waste of space. Like a previous poster said, you could swap him for a Labrador and it would be cheaper and easier.

He clearly is never going to want to work and is never going to hold down a job. Your choice is to either accept him for the cocklodger he is or leave him.

whitecampion · 07/10/2014 21:57

I am so sorry, OP. PP's are right.
I'm sure that really, you know this, too.

Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 21:59

Can I please re-iterate that this issue arose a few months ago. Prior to that he was working FT and was working FT when I met him, up at 6am every day, 5 days a week. I am just stating this as some posters seem to think I chose to have a child with a sponger. I would never have knowingly done that.

My frustration and shock is therefore due to the fact that as far as I was aware he was a reasonably hardworking person. This whole 'I can't work for The Man' mantra started a few months ago.
There was always some latent laziness, no doubt. That is probably why he ended up getting the sack. But the man I met was a working professional.

He can't just sell the place he inherited in Italy on his own, he inherited it with his siblings.

I really don't want to remove DD from the CM but I know it's madness that she is there while DP is at home.

I told him over dinner that I am losing all respect for him and he needs to start thinking about how he can viably live here whilst not contributing anything. He did not search for any jobs today and when I mentioned that every other shop on our high street is advertising for Xmas staff he said that since the CV I did for him is based on his building services work he cannot apply for retail work. However he has just opened the laptop and claims he is looking for local hotel chains he can visit tomorrow with his CV and enquire if they need maintenance workers. I can see he is looking at job vacancies at Travelodge. I'm tempted to tell him to book himself a room there...

Coolbeans - there might be an element of truth in what you say but you are slightly wrong - I really, really do mind his behaviour and in no way think it's ok.

Thank you all for the advice. x

OP posts:
Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 22:04

NoSquirrels - I think that may be the solution for now. Except I will not be leaving (flat is mine) so he will move out.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 07/10/2014 22:08

The man you met did not have a cash cow because he had not met you yet, so naturally he was working....

Cloudhowe63 · 07/10/2014 22:19

Having recently read the riot act to a cocklodger and pointed out - in detail- the error of his ways, will be disappointed to have to go back and tell him that he is a rank amateur and serious underachiever even in this. Wishing you strength, OP.

EllieQ · 07/10/2014 22:24

He's the one who didn't want you to see your midwife during your pregnancy, said you shouldn't have pain relief during labour, insisted you took extra vitamins (that he ordered online?) during pregnancy, said your DC shouldn't have any vaccinations, and gave you the silent treatment if you disagreed with any if this, right?

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