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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP and his job situation...I think I might kill him

231 replies

Eastie77 · 07/10/2014 18:13

Thought about a NC as I have complained about DP in the past and received a lot of useful advice. I have taken it on board. But this is a new issue.

I need help managing DP and getting him to take this (un)employment situation seriously.

The background is he is from Southern Europe, an area of high unemployment where a lot of young people do not have their first real job until they are mid-20s. He has never quite understood the working culture in the UK. He tells me that the fact that I had a job working PT when I was 17 is tantamount to child abuse and what a pity I missed out on the lovely childhood he had spending every day on the beach. Confused

So: he was suspended from his job on full pay in June. This wasn't totally unexpected as there had been ongoing issues with his performance for over a year and he had in fact been advised by a manager last year that he was considered incompetent and should look for another job. The grounds for his suspension were numerous as there were several complaints from one of his clients about the quality of his work. He suspension lasted around 3 months (long investigation) and during this time, despite knowing he would likely end up getting the sack, he did zero to find a new job. This was because he'd had enough of working for 'the man' and said if he was sacked he would take his employer to court and win a massive pay out. Cloud cuckoo land.

He was dismissed, as expected, and after taking legal advice he finally accepted the mega payout was not going to materialise and he would have to look for a new job. He then VERY reluctantly produced an atrocious CV which he haphazardly sent to a few agencies. When none of the agencies replied he said with barely concealed glee "well, that's a pity but at least I can look after DD on Fridays (our CM only works Mon-Thurs so we had previoulsy had to juggle her childcare arrangements on that day). He completely missed the point that we NEED 2 incomes to stay afloat.

I decided to re-do the CV for him. It was like getting blood out of stone just to get basic information such as his education and list of his responsibilities in his previous jobs etc. He was irritated and annoyed when I asked him a few basic questions. In short, I spent an entire day reworking the CV, creating a LinkedIn profile (of course he's 'never heard of LinkedIn') and sending off applications while he watched TV. He also decided that it was an optimal time to pursue his interest in alternative health remedies and signed up to an expensive part time distance course. I wouldn't have bothered making all this effort but as said we need his income.

After reworking the CV he was invited to about 8 interviews in the space of just 2 weeks and was offered a job last month. When he received the offer he was sullen and downcast as going back into the workforce would be a 'nightmare' and he would once again be caught up in the capitalist rat-race working like a slave etc. Hmm

Just to re-iterate he spent June, July and August at home relaxing while I worked FT and DD was at the childminder. We also have a cleaner so he doesn't do much housework either.

After 3 days in the new job he came home and complained that he was being worked too hard and asked to do dangerous jobs (he works in building maintenance). These were the same complaints he had about the job he was sacked from and from what I can gather he considers being asked to climb a ladder 'dangerous'. Finally he said he'd have to get a new job as he hated this new one so much. He arranged interviews via a few agencies. While I would ordinarily have been pleased with him taking some initiative, the problem was he taking time off his new job to attend the interviews as he apparently couldn't arrange them before or after work.

In the space of 3 weeks he took the equivalent of 5 or 6 days off to go to these interviews. Eventually his new manager (who works from a different location) called him at home one day to discuss his concerns over DP's attendance, timekeeping and general attitude. The new manager actually seemed to really like DP and said that he wanted to find a compromise to keep him happy. He therefore proposed a new, mobile role which would involve DP driving to different sites but the jobs he'd be carrying out would be more in keeping with the kind of things he wanted to do rather than the 'dangerous' tasks he was performing. DP's reponse? "Thanks but I don't like driving around too much as I get dizzy." I don't know if this is true or not, he has never mentioned dizziness before when driving.Hmm

The manager persuaded DP to nevertheless try the new role and a brand new van was delivered to our flat a couple of days later which DP was to use to drive to carry out his jobs. The first job he was assigned was at an airport about 1 hr drive from our place. The hours were 8am-5pm. DP woke up on the day and declared that he would not drive to the airport as he did not have a Satnav and was not sure how to get there. I offered him the use of one of Smartphones which has a map facility (I basically use it as a Sat Nav) and he said no as he is not good with technology. He therefore took the train and arrived 1.5 hours late.

On day 2 he took the train again and then took the afternoon off to attend yet another job interview.

On day 3 he once again refused to drive so arrived late and then left the airport site at 3pm without telling anyone as "it takes me 2 hours to get home so if I leave at 5pm I won't get home until 7pm and I am not paid from 5pm-7pm".

On day 4 I arrived home to find out he had been sacked. He had evidently exhausted the goodwill of even the manager who had tried to help him. Angry

So here we are. He has not heard back from any of the interviews he attended so he has basically probably lost this job for nothing. He is TOTALLY unconcerned and said is 'relishing' the time off so that he can catch up with his studies and spend quality time with DD. When I ask how he proposes we pay our bills at the end of this month, and indeed how he intends to pay for the course which has a monthly fee of £300, he tutted and replied "They can't take what we don't have. If I'm chucked off the course for non-payment I will enrol again next month. Tell the childminder we will have to reduce DD's hours. You need to learn to relax" And then he offered me a homeopathic remedy to calm me down.

I feel like I need an intervention because I have a young child and so do not want to end up in jail but I feel like I might want to kill him. But maybe I do need to breathe and relax. I'm hoping one of the multiple interviews turns into a job offer. I just cannot take the laid back 'que sera, sera' attitude.

Thank you if you've got this far. No-one needs to reply really. I just needed to get this off my chest and feel so much better now I've written it all down.
Off to drink some Wine
Eastie

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 09/10/2014 19:17

The only thing destroying your chi is him. Does he realise it's your ability to work that brings in the money for you, him, your dd etc? I see you don't have luxury of worrying about "chi" when you go to work. Cheeky fucker.

I'm afraid at the mention of " chi" he'd be out the door. Is it your dd you are worried about? Not seeing her father?

And it's not for you to worry about where he stays! FFS let him grow up on his own! Assume he will stump up for maintenance? Or will you let him off that because he can't work due to the " chi" issue.

LoisPuddingLane · 09/10/2014 19:20

I think I left my chi under the desk at work, along with my SOUL. Grin

WildBillfemale · 09/10/2014 19:44

OP stop writing his CV, stop pushing him, it's his attitude that needs to change and you can't do that for him.

temporaryusername · 09/10/2014 19:50

Agree with WildBill. I understand the temptation to do things like his CV, but it all adds to his belief that ultimately someone else takes care of things, and that he doesn't need to take responsibility. Now you've given him this deadline, let him sort it out. He knows if he doesn't he will have problems. I've never heard of chi Hmm.

If I were you I'd start getting a few things organised round the flat, and when he asks what you're doing explain you need to get some stuff packed/cleared just in case he has nothing by the deadline as you don't want the rental/moving into your parents delayed.

LoisPuddingLane · 09/10/2014 20:33

Chi is yer energy or something. Chinese. It's also the name of one of Mel B's daughters, but I don't think he meant that.

Noregrets78 · 10/10/2014 00:13

This thread has really got my goat having been through similar. This was one of the grounds for divorce. Turned out to be part of a bigger plan, so that if we split up he wanted to be deemed main carer. It didn't work, but OP please be careful if you do as some have suggested, and cancel your CM. Doesn't sound as though you will anyway...

How did the 2nd interview go? Please don't accept crumbs from him - be aware that he is doing the absolute minimum that he thinks will allow him to get away with it. It will not last, he will not change.

sisterofmercy · 10/10/2014 20:59

You are looking after him like his mum might have done. Do you want an adult son?

Eastie77 · 12/10/2014 14:34

The second job interview "went as well as could be expected" (his words), he didn't say much but insisted he did his best. The following day the company called and feedback was positive so they invited DP to the offices again next week Tuesday to look around the sites / offices in which he would be working.

This morning I noticed that he had amended his CV he sent them (the one I did) so that it appears as if he is still employed by the company he was dismissed from a couple of months ago. He said that he didn't want to have to explain his dismissal even though I had already told him that it was best to be upfront and explain that he had parted ways with the company (not apportioning blame, talking up how he had learnt from the experience and strategies he would put in place to avoid future issues etc). I explained in my calmest voice that when the company seek references etc they will notice the discrepancy and it could lead to any job offer being withdrawn. He replied "well that's life, employers these days look for any reason to make a fuss about silly things."

He then went on to say that since this potentially new employer thinks he is still working he will have to tell them he needs to give 4 weeks notice so he will have another month off to prepare himself for returning to the hell that is work. So it is all part of a strategy to avoid working for as long as possible.

I lost my cool at that moment and began shouting. I packed a small case for me and DD to go and stay at my parents this evening. When I calmed down I told him I will be bringing forward the appointment for the lettings agent from Foxtons to come around next week and he needs to start putting together his things as he needs to move out sooner rather than later.

He is making DD lunch and looking stressed but I actually feel a lot calmer now as I have a clear plan and have spoken to my dad about the situation. We have never been close but he has given me some very good practical advice as well as very generously offering money to help finance a move to a bigger property so we would only have to stay in my parents house for a few months.

Thanks to those of you who have PM'd messages of support, really helps!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 12/10/2014 14:36

He has left you no alternative Op

Good luck Thanks

Only1scoop · 12/10/2014 14:37

Your place though ask him to go....

Whereisegg · 12/10/2014 14:40

Well done op!

nomorecrumbs · 12/10/2014 14:43

Good on you, OP. Now you can move on with your life. It sounds like this man doesn't want to progress.

Do you think he has some kind of social anxiety, or inferiority problems? Surely noone can be happy and fulfilled by being this lazy!

SignoraStronza · 12/10/2014 14:53

Send him back home to Mama. He slums perfectly suited to life as a 'statale' (state employee) - does she know anyone who might 'recommend' him?

SignoraStronza · 12/10/2014 14:54

'sounds'

Roussette · 12/10/2014 15:13

Well done Eastie. He is being absolutely ridiculous and putting every obstacle known to man in the way of working. What on earth does he need yet another month off for, that is just procrastinating with no intent of getting on with it.

I'm glad you have a plan in place - surely he has to prove himself to you now, and if he doesn't, you at least known the score. Good luck Flowers

lavenderhoney · 12/10/2014 16:39

He didn't fancy mentioning the chi problem at interveiw then? :)
Lying on your cv is fraud as you know and will cause all the problems you say - am amazed after all you said he thought you'd support him for another month of lounging!

Assume he will be moving out? And you will be cancelling the cleaner?

You df sounds relieved tbh, and he also thinks you won't let him back into your life as a dp- I doubt he means he will fund your layabout Dp for a bigger property to rest his chi in.

Sounds like even if he gets a job and keeps it, you've had enough and can see the future and futility of him. If you didn't have money, the stress of him! He would keep you poor.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/10/2014 18:09

I'd be so tempted to say "well that's life" a lot in the next few weeks if he whinges about you standing up for yourself and your dd.

AnyFucker · 12/10/2014 18:25

Thank Christ he finally did something that appears to have woken you up from that strange denial you were slumbering in

he has committed fraud, just to get another month sitting on the sofa ?

he will drag you all down to his level if you let him

follow through with separating from him in the way that suits you best

and please have a very good think about how long you have been fooling yourself and allowing this man's ridiculous notions have an impact on how your daughter perceives a mutually supportive relationship should be

Itsfab · 12/10/2014 19:11

Please follow through with your decision.

Itsfab · 12/10/2014 19:14

All this effort into coming up with more bollocks to stop him having to be a man and work. Hmm.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2014 19:21

It wouldn't be four weeks before he started work, though, would it? He wouldn't start at all if they checked the references first.

Can't get my head round him thinking employers are silly to worry about minor details like... telling bare-faced lies Confused (Although if he's going into a sales job they might regard it as a positive...)

LoisPuddingLane · 12/10/2014 20:19

For an apparently intelligent man, he comes across as very naive and/or thick.

ChelsyHandy · 12/10/2014 22:15

I think you should be careful you are not using his being Southern European as an excuse. Maybe it is worth there, but in Scotland I know plenty of people like this too, many of them men. I have 2 close male friends who have both been sacked from good jobs their degrees qualified them for recently, basically for what you describe above. Both of them have the same sort of attitude, that they are somehow too good for work, unless it is a very specific job that exactly aligns to something they would find at all times fun and interesting to do. One seems to be making a practice of moving in with women who own their own homes, another lives off his parents but I bet it isn't long until he works out to live off a woman too

Thinking of friends of friends, friend's partners, etc. theres a least another 10 or so like this. Some of them are mid 30s and they only seem to get worse with age. Even my DH's father gave up work in his late forties to do nothing other than hang around the house all day, while MIL continued working FT until retirement.

I have a flat in the city I often have to work in apart from my family home. I often rent the spare bedroom. Whenever I advertise it, I am guaranteed to get 3 or 4 men (always men) phone up with the same story - "I've been thrown out by my wife/girlfriend/partner and have to find somewhere by the weekend. Can you help me?" I avoid them like the plague.

Eastie77 · 13/10/2014 10:54

He would have loved to been a statale SignoraStronza. I can’t think of anything he’d enjoy more than being able to do what he readily admits is an easy job requiring little effort and offering life-long job security. I’m sure he’d even overcome his dislike of office life to do it. However he mournfully told me once me it was impossible since he could never get a ‘recommendation' and he is from the South. Apparently these jobs are only for Italians from the North. However he hasn’t gone through life entirely without ‘help’, he managed to avoid military service with the help of some connection or other.

He has now told me that he will be getting some money from Italy to pay his share of this month’s bills. The money is from a friend of his late father who I mentioned in a thread a few months ago – he is a member of a criminal organization. I have told him not to take money from this person and I will manage this month’s bills myself and he then accused me of behaving like a martyr. I did some yoga this morning, am remaining zen and didn't respond.

It looks as if letting out the flat as a ‘short let’ might be the best option for me (although this is apparently ‘subject to local authority restrictions’ so I need to look into it) as there is more flexibility and large companies are frequent short let users which would suit me best. There are dozens of multinational finance, IT companies etc in walking distance of the flat. Some of the companies whose sites I spent hours trawling through looking for suitable jobs for DP

My dad did not comment much about DP. I know he finds his behaviour hard to comprehend. He arrived here in the 1960s, did back breaking jobs for minimal pay and worked for 40 odd years before finally retiring so he no sympathy whatsoever for DP.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/10/2014 12:15

Do not take that money - seriously. You could have issues with money laundering.

He's a bit of a victim isn't he? Has this been a constant theme in his life?

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