DH not happy and thinking of leaving

[TruckingOn]

Name changed for this. We have 3 children, between 6 months and 6 yrs old. He told me last Sunday he wasn't happy, he thinks we're both unhappy and he's still (a week later) unsure what to do.

He says he loves me, loves us all, but doesn't love me in "that" way anymore and doesn't know if he'll be able to again. Our sex life has been near to non existent since having the first child because of his lack of desire to have sex since then. I just assumed things in that department would get better when the children were older. Or something.

Breaking up the family upsets him. But he says we're both negative people and, because we help each other when the other one's down, the net effect is that we're always treading water (with one of us being down, then the other). We've turned into each other's carers.

I totally get his point and I agree (esp since he lost the desire to have sex about 5/6 years ago) but I don't want to split up, I just assumed things would get back on track when we didn't have such a young family.

Any insights?

I'm afraid the idea of not loving you 'in that way' is so often code for 'I've met someone else' that it's practically a cliché

That aside, I would take him completely on face value and assume that the marriage is over. Get legal and practical advice so that you are well informed. Take the initiative and take control because there's no bigger waste of time and sapper of confidence than living with a fence-sitter.

In fairness, it sounds like there have been problems for 6 years, and you just kinda ignored it hoping it would magically go away.

Would he be receptive to relationship counselling? He may have a point about both of you being stuck in a negative cycle. And certainly your sex life needs examining.

He is giving fair warning, but now he needs to either work on it in counselling or get off the pot. Cos without counselling how can you know what to do?

its true, his indecision will eat away at you. Ultimatum time - he agrees to couples counselling and buys into trying to save it - wholeheartedly or you act on the legal and practical help you have got about separating.

The 'I love you but I'm not IN love with you' line!
Sorry but this often means there is another woman on the scene somewhere.
They may not have had an affair as yet but someone is turning his head (probably)

Please get some advice on this.
Contact CAB and see what benefits you would be entitled to.
Then the CSA and understand what maintenance payments you would get from your DH!
Then a solicitor to get the divorce underway if this is what it comes to.
If you have the information then you can at least speak from a position of strength when discussing separation.

Don't let him be in control of what happens in YOUR future.
Pack him a bag and tell him to live elsewhere while you get your ducks in a row and have a think and decide what you want from all this.
He needs to understand loss.
While you are there doing all his chores for him he has no incentive to work things out or move out!
Take control.

There will be OW. Sorry.

OW.

He's following the twat script to the letter. Tell him she's welcome to him and throw him out.

I don't think relationships magically get back on track. You either need intensive relationship counselling (which I would only do if he is really serious about it, not just 'okay I guess') or you should split. It sounds like things have been off for a long time now and it will be years before your children are no longer young -- that's a really long time for a relationship to be bad.

You can't always fix things, unfortunately.

It looks like there has been serious neglect of the relationship. Lack of sex always needs attention unless both partners are content with that.

Have you checked his phone records, spending etc to see if there is anything untoward going on? I know it may come as a shock but time and again I see the same scenario unfold on this board and there is always a woman tucked away somewhere else!

A man very rarely leaves the matrimonial home so easily, that is of course, unless there's an OW lurking in the curtain tails.

This happened to me and was the beginning of an extremely painful episode of my life. My threads are around if you want to search for them.

The very best thing you can do is to call his bluff and act as if you are taking him absolutely seriously in ending the relationship. I did this and he hated it, but looking back I wished that I had done more and arranged a trial separation or similar.

We are still together and in a much better place, but I think it is unlikely that we can ever again be quite what we were before. The trust never quite comes back.

He told me last Sunday he wasn't happy, he thinks we're both unhappy and he's still (a week later) unsure what to do.

As others have said, you need to take him at face value, and take control. Ask him to move out while you decide how you feel about the relationship. If he isn't happy he'll jump at the chance. If he doesn't jump at the chance it's because OW hasn't agreed to take him on yet.

In the nicest possible way, OP, don't let him take you for a mug.

Oh god.

Thanks for all th replies but it's a picture of doom.

I have booked us in for Relate counselling on his day off tomorrow since posting earlier, but now I read the responses I'm not sure whether this will help. This was his suggestion at the start of the week last week but I had poo pooed it since at the time I just thought he was feeling generally down in the dumps and not specifically because of us.

As for the OW idea, there's certaiy someone that I think has caught his eye.

I have also called CAB since my first post (thanks cogito) but I wasn't sure what to ask so they've pointed me to their website in the first instance. I will call back with hellbells's questions when I next get chance.

Thanks again ladies.

I'm just breastfeeding and reading the replies again.

I didn't think I was one to be taken for a mug but perhaps I AM being? Perhaps I'll see how tomorrow's consultation with Relate goes and then perhaps ask him to leave while I sort my head out?

What do you tell the kids? My middle child has already asked me why I was crying and then, this morning, picked up on my tension and told me he loves me (to try to cheer me up - of course I tried to tell him he's not responsible for my feelings but even there I couldn't find a child-appropriate way of saying it).

Who does he have his eye on OP?

Sorry to hear this trucking & even sorrier to be agreeing that yes there is another woman there, even if she hasn't come out of the woodwork yet.

Tell your children that mummy & daddy will be happier if they live apart from each other. Don't blame or go into non age appropriate details. Make it sound like a mutual decision & focus on what will change for them. Talk about having 2 houses, 2 bedrooms & 2 front doors. I know its hard. Tell them you love them & tell them its not their fault & it happens sometimes.

Practically once you have told the twat its over you can look at the following things:

• Cancel the joint tax credits claim & set up a single parent one to your bank account.
• If applicable make sure the child benefit is paid into your bank account.
• Make a list of joint assets: house, property, savings & talk to CAB about those
• Think about agreeing child maintenance even if you don't feel you can discuss it yet.

If you have decided to split then what he does from now on & his happiness is no longer your concern. It sounds as if the OW won't take him on yet so be prepared for guilt tripping, emotional games & nastiness from him.

Someone that he's met in the last 6/9 mths and claims is just a friend. I'm sure she IS just a friend because I think he'd be off quicker than this if they'd crossed a line. But I think he crossed an emotional line the weekend before the one where he said we don't make each other happy.

Oops cross posts. That was to quitelikely. Thanks magrats, very useful to hear script for children.

Fuckity fuck.

OK then work out what you want. He obviously expects you to wait around for him until he makes his mind up so don't do that. Have a think about you want for you & your children. It sounds as though he's emotionally checked out of your relationship tbh

I know its scary, I left my DH with a 4 month old baby & a 4 year old but it was the right decision & I have not regretted it once :) it can be done :)

I have to leave for the school run now but if you do want more ideas of what to say to children then just say & I'll reply later :)

I don't get tax credits but I do need some other financial advice - where do I go for this?

Am on mat leave but am either going to be made redundant at Xmas (good fucking timing DH) or will have to transfer to new company in which I am likely to have a job in which the office is miles from home and requires much travel. I'd wanted to be off till baby was at school if we could manage it, but clearly that's out of the question now.

Thanks again magrats. I'm going to have to disengage baby and head for school run too.

This has all helped MASSIVELY. Thank you all. God I feel sick!

It's a lot to take in. Do you have RL support? A friend or someone else you can confide in? Please be assured that you don't have to do anything hasty. However, you will have to keep one eye on protecting your interests.

If you have joint accounts, for example, make sure they can't be emptied without both signatures.... men who are suddenly 'not sure' about their marriage can be surprisingly nifty if there's any cash to be had.

When you feel able I'd suggest that you book an appointment with a solicitor rather than expecting too much from CAB. There are various conventions to do with family homes, marital assets, debts (joint and personal), shared parenting and financial maintenance for children that you need to be aware of.

Righto, thanks cogito. I'll get an appointment fixed with a solicitor. It won't be tomorrow because he's off work and we're going to that Relate appointment.

Yes I have people in RL. My mum and two friends. They've all been saying we're strong, we'll get through it but now I've had all these responses it's made me see how possibly naive that is.