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Original poster

DH not happy and thinking of leaving

134 replies

TruckingOn · 06/10/2014 12:56

Name changed for this. We have 3 children, between 6 months and 6 yrs old. He told me last Sunday he wasn't happy, he thinks we're both unhappy and he's still (a week later) unsure what to do.

He says he loves me, loves us all, but doesn't love me in "that" way anymore and doesn't know if he'll be able to again. Our sex life has been near to non existent since having the first child because of his lack of desire to have sex since then. I just assumed things in that department would get better when the children were older. Or something.

Breaking up the family upsets him. But he says we're both negative people and, because we help each other when the other one's down, the net effect is that we're always treading water (with one of us being down, then the other). We've turned into each other's carers.

I totally get his point and I agree (esp since he lost the desire to have sex about 5/6 years ago) but I don't want to split up, I just assumed things would get back on track when we didn't have such a young family.

Any insights?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/10/2014 18:37

Your relationship is only "strong" if both participants are fully invested in it

That doesn't sound like the case here

Your mum and friends are using meaningless platitudes that won't help you in the end if he is determined to cheat.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2014 18:43

'Strong' in this context is going to mean showing that you not prepared to mope around waiting for His Lordship to decide which way to jump. If this is some kind of two woman beauty contest with his 'friend', you get more respect (and derive more self respect) by not compromising.

AnyFucker · 06/10/2014 18:51

"strong" in this context could also mean turning a blind eye to the real messages he is giving you and "fighting" for your man by giving him time to decide whether you are good enough for him or not

don't do the pick me dance

Original poster
TruckingOn · 06/10/2014 20:22

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about!

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 20:29

It suits other people better for you to stay together, it's messy when you separate. They don't do it consciously, but don't let it be a 'bench mark'.

You might still be able to stay at home for a while, what with benefits & maintenance. Don't worry about that just yet.

I think Relate will be a waste of time as far as reconciling but it might help you to separate more amicably.

It's hard to tell the children & not what you wanted for them, but it would be worse to stay together.

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 20:32

... and yes, as others have said. If he's already checked out, then accept it or you will just be putting all of you through the crap to end up back here. If he says 'I don't know what I want' then simply tell him that you do and it's for him to leave. Nothing good ever comes from being made to feel so completely unloved and unwanted - and 'I don't know what I want' is just him saying I don't want you, but she's married/lives with her parents/isn't as into it as I am - sorry. Don't let him treat you like something he can choose to pick up or put down. Grrr

SomethingElse1 · 06/10/2014 21:46

Hi TruckingOn I'm in a similar position as your husband. All I can tell you in my marriage I've come very close to giving an ultimatum to my wife and have gone to marriage counceling on my own she refused to come saying that it's me with the issue. Im still working on my marriage because of my kids and the fact that I want don't want to turn around in years time and say that I didn't try my absolute utmost to save it. Maybe your husband has reached the point that I havent and feels he's nothing else to loose as he can't continue like this or maybe there's another woman you know him best what do you feel is the truth?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 07:01

@SomethingElse1.... 'the truth' is something only known to the DH here and he's keeping it close to his chest. So the OP can't base her decisions on 'the truth'. She can't save a marriage when she doesn't know what's wrong with it. All she can do is be true to herself & refuse to be strung along.

BTW....you're in the same situation. If your DW won't engage with counselling and if she's saying it's 100% you with the problem, then the marriage is over. Keeping on 'trying' in those circumstances is demeaning, pointless and does nothing for your self-respect.

Original poster
TruckingOn · 07/10/2014 07:56

Thanks all.

He's going to that Relate appointment on his own today, after I expressed doubts last night as to it working. I think you're right, if it's love he's lost then how will talking about it together bring it back?

Hopefully him going on his own will give him the space to realise how he feels one way or another, without me having to hear the details (assuming they're upsetting).

He sounds similar to you, somethingelse although slightly more along the road of no return - doesn't want to give me false hope yet doesn't want to turn his back in us all at the drop of a hat. He said this morning that even if we were arguing and having a horrible time, he still wouldn't be leaving. It sounds as though the sense of duty and doing what's right is what's keeping him here.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 08:20

"It sounds as though the sense of duty and doing what's right is what's keeping him here."

And do you actually want someone in your life who is only there out of 'duty'? Hmm Under sufferance? Against their better judgement? I'd tell this mealy-mouthed creep that you don't need his pity....

vdbfamily · 07/10/2014 08:47

I personally would say that if he is prepared to go to 'Relate' on his own then he has not given up on your relationship. It sounds to me as if you have both got into an unhealthy pattern with a lack of physical affection. He sounds very confused to me. Marriage and 'love' should never be just about feelings.If we all planned to divorce when we didn't feel love for our partners then there would be precious few marriages surviving. Feelings come and go but love is deeper than that. Let him have his counselling and then the 2 of you need to sit down and properly talk. Can you get a babysitter and go out somewhere quiet together? Don't give up until you are sure it can't be salvaged.Good luck.

FelicityGubbins · 07/10/2014 09:06

Talk to him, rather than just booting him out. Tell him you are aware of this woman's increasing importance and that it's not acceptable for a married man to be investing time and emotions to her at the detriment of his marriage, and that it's not something you are going to tolerate. If he wants out then he leaves,today, he doesn't get the comfort of having you as a back up plan while he makes his mind up, as you and the children are worth more than that.

LemonDrizzleTwunt · 07/10/2014 09:13

Are you sure you want to go alone? If he decides to leave you might not want to have that thrown in your face if he's the kind of person to do that?

Additionally, though it might be painful to hear, the details could put you in the picture a bit better as to what he's really thinking...he'll be forced to be honest, at least.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/10/2014 09:21

I ended my marriage when my ExH told me he had said to OW (when ending it with her) that he had a 'duty' to myself and our DD.
That was it for me.
I absolutely did NOT want to be anybodies duty. Fuck that.
So that was the end for me.
I also knew the marriage would never be the same again after his cheating.
I hope he gets some 'insight' at the counselling session, but if there is someone else on the sidelines, he's probably already checked out of your marriage.

Original poster
TruckingOn · 07/10/2014 11:00

Yeah you're probably right, hells. And in your situation I would've done the same.

I'm hanging on in there at the moment because my feeling is that he's totally right, we've let things become fucking shit (technical term) in the "us" side of things, and I think if we change our behavior around each other (less carer, more lover) we can be as happy at this stage of our relationship as we were without kids.

I'm letting him go on his own today because if he doesn't feel the same then I don't want to analyze it all for the sake of it, I just want to start dealing with the practicalities and emotional fall out of splitting us all up. But of course he might talk it all through and realise he feels the way I do - that there's something still between us and we need to do whatever people do to change the roles we've been playing since having children.

Maybe I'm deluding myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
TruckingOn · 07/10/2014 11:05

vdbfamily - good advice. I'll see if mum can babysit for us this evening.

OP posts:
Osirus · 07/10/2014 22:18

Good luck - I hope you find a resolution you are both happy with.

ChippingInLatteLover · 07/10/2014 22:31

How did it go trucking?

Original poster
TruckingOn · 08/10/2014 07:22

He wants to give it a try. Which seemed sensible at the time buying was awake in night with baby and got thinking about it and now I'm not sure.

Do people fall in love again?

I thought it might be useful to put a time frame on it and he picked a fortnight, which now seems too soon to rekindle anything - assuming we need to get out and start remembering/finding shared interests etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
TruckingOn · 08/10/2014 07:23

*but not buying

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 08/10/2014 08:22

I personally think it is unrealistic to expect to feel the intense emotions that a relationship has initially and it is the search for that that often has people flit in and out of relationships.Love is a much deeper thing than that. It is a respect and commitment to each other through thick and thin. Your feelings for each other will vary in intensity over the years but will never be like the 'first flush of love'. Can you imagine living with those intense feelings all the time? The lovesick,can't bear to be apart emotional high. It is not reality but often people see it as real love and yearn for it again and it is often why affairs happen.It just seems so much more appealing than the stresses of small children and a tired partner!.
You need to give it more than 2 weeks really. Pick a date night and get a regular babysit arranged.And/Or, ask your mum if she could manage for a night if you had night away somewhere just the 2 of you. Try and remember why you first were attracted to each other and try and explore his reduced libido.
I really hope you can work through this.Having 3 little ones is a really tough stage of life but it does get easier. It is very easy and normal at this stage of life to prioritise the kids and neglect your relationship but maybe good that you have recognised this before either of you have turned to someone else for support.

IndiansInTheLobby · 08/10/2014 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 08/10/2014 08:32

Two weeks is ridiculous. I suspect he is trying to be less of a bad guy, offering to 'try again' but practically setting it up to fail.

Feelings do ebb and flow a bit in a marriage but if you get to the point of saying 'I don't love you in that way anymore', then it is an awful lot of work to get back from there. I suppose it can be done but you need a lot of dedication and a lot of time. I'm sorry but I think he's just hedging now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 08:55

"he picked a fortnight"

You're being set up to fail. In a fortnight's time when nothing has changed you will get 'at least I tried'.

LBZT · 08/10/2014 10:10

I agree with Cog.

My marriage has recently been through a "large bump". I wasn't sure I was in love anymore. It's taken since February of us talking and working on our relationship for me to have those in love feelings return. This has been the second big test of our relationship the first time we came out stronger but at the time you commit to making it work even though the feelings aren't there and than slowly you fall in love all over again.

Two weeks is not a commitment it's lip service and someone buying time for their agenda. Sorry to be so blunt.

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