DH not happy and thinking of leaving

[TruckingOn]

Name changed for this. We have 3 children, between 6 months and 6 yrs old. He told me last Sunday he wasn't happy, he thinks we're both unhappy and he's still (a week later) unsure what to do.

He says he loves me, loves us all, but doesn't love me in "that" way anymore and doesn't know if he'll be able to again. Our sex life has been near to non existent since having the first child because of his lack of desire to have sex since then. I just assumed things in that department would get better when the children were older. Or something.

Breaking up the family upsets him. But he says we're both negative people and, because we help each other when the other one's down, the net effect is that we're always treading water (with one of us being down, then the other). We've turned into each other's carers.

I totally get his point and I agree (esp since he lost the desire to have sex about 5/6 years ago) but I don't want to split up, I just assumed things would get back on track when we didn't have such a young family.

Any insights?

Ok so.

Just had text (he's working in another city today and tomorrow as usual). He says he's finally sorting his head out and we need to talk when he gets back and to not worry.

If this suggests he wants to make the marriage work again after all, then I must admit I'm not so into the idea now (although it's only been a day into the "separation").

I've actually felt good today. I've looked back with the wool from my eyes and seen all the times over the years that I didn't feel loved or cherished or happy or sexually attractive to him. And I've thought, well I can have that in the future when I finally meet someone new.

And yet on the other hand of course I don't want to break up the family if he's going to be the man I married again.

Any insights again ladies?

Keep it in your head to carry on in the direction you are going now, but let him have his say. It's possible that you calling time has made him realise he loves you, it might also just be him panicking and not actually him wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, it's impossible to tell to be honest...

No no no.

All that has happened here is that he has seen a solicitor or a friend who has been through divorce and has realised what he has to lose.

He just wants to press the reset button.

You getting assertive and showing him the door wasn't part of his plan at all OP.

There is no point hankering after the past. The man in front of you is the one you are dealing with - and he is not making you happy.

Amazing isn't it. All the time you put up with his shit, he isn't sure, maybe he can try, you are expected to panic, reassure any basically do what you can to make him decide to stay.

The instant you decide actually you don't want to do that, you think splitting is a good idea and you are not dancing around trying to win him, he has a magic moment, is sure that your relationship is strong and what he wants.

He just had a fuck now what do I do.

I bet if you hadn't called time he wouldn't have had that magic moment. He would have carried on umming and ahhing.

'Don't worry' - can also mean 'I will tell you I'm not leaving you high and dry'. But don't believe that either.

Even if he means it in an 'I want to be with you' it's so fucking patronising. How dare he think him saying 'not to worry' is going to fix everything, that's so big headed. Git.

Ps I don't feel like I'm Trucking On now. I feel rather energised actually, in leaving a marriage in which I now realise I've been unloved for years. Feel more like, I don't know, Moving On

^^ think very carefully before you decide to 'give this another go'. He's not going to suddenly be the man you thought you married & he clearly thinks he's in charge of this relationship.

Don't stay 'for the kids'. It really, really is better for them to have a happy Mum, than parents who live together but aren't happy.

Just caught up. Wishing you strength. I suspect you'll need it. BUT you have made such a positive step. You have taken control. What a shame you won't entertain him with the pick me dance!

Just wanted to add that there's no reason to assume an OW. I recently did to my dp what he has done to you. When I said 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' that is exactly what I meant. I feel wretchedly guilty and it's awful, but there is no-one else involved at all. I just wanted to offer a different perspective.

I think the best thing we can do at this stage is move forwards. I do

Sent before I'd finished but that sentence pretty much sums it up anyway.

Well, you can't go backwards :)

It's up to you what going forwards means though
x

Even if he's changed his mind, that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I think probably a lot of us have had that experience where you break up with someone, then when it's over you have that panic and oh no! feeling so you get back together, only to realise a couple months later that actually you were right to break up in the first place.

I think if you are realising that the marriage is lacking anyway, you can only go forward. Yes it's no small thing to break up a family but you are probably past the point of no return, you can't always fix things that are broken.

Well he spent last week elsewhere at my request and all week he's been back every evening to see the kids and help with teatime/bedtime/clearing away etc and afterwards we've been talking. On sat I said it was time to tell the kids but he suddenly did a massive about-turn and wanted it to be back on.

I was confused but went with it, since it what I'd wanted but then saw a friend that afternoon and told her and she felt it was best left as it was (ie the separation route). So I told him that later on when I saw him again.

Because he thought it was back on, he'd brought his stuff back home so now he's back at home again (in spare room) and we're still going over and over and over it.

We talked about it for 4 hours yesterday non stop (he's got a week off work) and in the end decided once and for all that splitting up was best at this point to retain the friendship etc we have right now. But then he went off to see a flat to rent and came back saying he couldn't go through with it.

So today that'd how he still feels - he wants to make a go of it.

I just don't know what to think or what to do now because that's what I initially wanted but now, 3 weeks on and with the wool removed from my eyes, I'm not in so much of a hurry to

Oops, typing on phone so that was rather garbled and unclear. And of course I pressed Post by mistake!

Any ideas what I should do?

The two times he's wanted to make a go of it have been times when he's faced with the reality of it. I'm not sure that's a good thing or just nerves at dealing with the unpleasant aspects of breaking up.

In terms of where I'm at now, I have my rose tinted glasses off and have more of a dim view of the relationship and am not in a hurry to rekindle things.

So now we're both fence sitting!!! And it seems the ball's in my court now, which is an unexpected twist.

Also, I don't feel strong anymore. I feel like I don't know what's best. It feels like lose-lose at this point.

In 3 weeks I've been TruckingOn then MovingOn and now RoundAndRound.

Now you have woken up to how crap it was, why on earth would you want to go back to all of that?

He told you he doesn't love you 'in that way' and you deserve to be loved 'in that way'. Continuing to try to make this marriage work so that he can live with his kids isn't fair on any of you.

You have had a glimpse of the happier life you could have... grab it with both hands is my advice. Tell him it's not working for you and that it's over.

Also, once you have, he needs to have his time with the kids out of the house, he can't be there doing tea/bath/bed like nothing has changed.

Counselling. Honestly.

Me and my husband did it recently and it's made me realise that even though it's so hard to do I have to start thinking of him and how he feels as well as how I feel. It's not all hearts and roses, I am still fucked off but I can see a future with my husband so long as we both keep on working towards the same goal.

There was a point where I actually thought, fuck it let's split up. You may end up still thinking this even after starting counselling. At least by doing the counselling you will know for sure.

Unless you really think counselling is going to be a waste of time, in which case you have probably made your mind up that it's too shit to save and should move on with the separation.

You seem very easily swayed.

What do you want? How do you want your future to be? In a sexless marriage where you feel neither loved or cherished?

Maybe you're marriage could recover, but it's going to take a hell of a lot of work on both sides :(

OP, if you haven't already, perhaps you could tell him you've realised that you weren't happy either. And ask him what he's going to do to make the marriage better for you.

You could listen to his ideas, if he has any, and then decide whether you'll willing to try.

You could do that in counselling, or just between the two of you.

Of course, there is then the question of him actually doing all the things he promises to do (if he even does).

It doesn't matter "what he wants to do". What matters is what you want to do.

Thanks all.

Getting the message loud and clear that it's about what I want now.

Just need to figure that out in the light of everything that's happened.

Many thanks as always.

I told him what would make me happy (loving me, cherishing me - that kind of shizzle) and he said he felt scared he'd fail and thought we should just quit we were ahead so he could still access the kids while things were amicable. I think at this point he's just trying to make sure I don't take the kids away from him (which I wouldn't anyway) rather than being bothered about being amicable with me in my own right.

It's fucked isn't it? I feel awful today. What do I need to do to cope with this?

I think you need to accept that it's over and stop letting him do the 'pull you, pull you' thing a moment longer. He's been a bit of a wimp about it, he checked out of the relationship a while ago, but didn't want to look like the bad guy, didn't want to live in a flat etc & so got cold feel about separating, then realised if you stayed together you'd expect to be treated better and that was all too much effort...

You need to get the house/finances/solicitors sorted out and hope you can sort it all out amicably.

It's shit, but, you haven't been living a very fulfilling life for a long time, this will give you the freedom (in time) to find someone who makes you happy.

Try to look forward, not backwards - you will be fine, plan something nice to look forward to
x

Thank you.