DH not happy and thinking of leaving

[TruckingOn]

Name changed for this. We have 3 children, between 6 months and 6 yrs old. He told me last Sunday he wasn't happy, he thinks we're both unhappy and he's still (a week later) unsure what to do.

He says he loves me, loves us all, but doesn't love me in "that" way anymore and doesn't know if he'll be able to again. Our sex life has been near to non existent since having the first child because of his lack of desire to have sex since then. I just assumed things in that department would get better when the children were older. Or something.

Breaking up the family upsets him. But he says we're both negative people and, because we help each other when the other one's down, the net effect is that we're always treading water (with one of us being down, then the other). We've turned into each other's carers.

I totally get his point and I agree (esp since he lost the desire to have sex about 5/6 years ago) but I don't want to split up, I just assumed things would get back on track when we didn't have such a young family.

Any insights?

Truckin you sound so lonely.

All I can see is that you are becoming unwell through the sheer uncertainty of everything. Personally I think that you should make some decisions for you, everything seems to be about how he feels and what he wants. You asked him to stay away and yet he came back...selfish. I can totally empathise as this sounds like the situation I was in. I came to the conclusion that I was allowing the shitty situation to continue because I was waiting for something from him. You can only control your own actions, and it seems there is no impetus from him to change his own. Sadly it sounds like he has swept his behaviour under the rug and nothing has changed.

I had excellent counselling that really helped. We are still together, however things changed in that he knew he had to work his socks off to keep me as I started doing things to make me happy that didn't involve him.

I've lost a lot of respect for my dh. I'm happy now but I know if he even hinted of the hand wringing pity party...I don't know if I love you. ..again he would be gone so fast his feet wouldn't touch the path.

TruckingOn -- Your body is telling you everything you need to know about your situation. Everything. This happens with so many women who find themselves compromising themselves out of existence: lethargy, anxiety, low moods, depression. It's all there, trying to tell you something. And you have the ability to change it.

Best of luck

Did you ever go to Counselling?

I honestly think it is the best thing, at least there you will be able to make a decision based upon what is discussed and how ready you are to try to salvage the relationship.

The only time on this thread when you sounded positive and determined was when you'd made the decision to end the marriage and move forward. Every other post has been about his feelings and his confusion and how he couldn't move out and couldn't move in and blah-de-blah. I think gatewalker is right, your body is telling you something.

I fully understand why you don't want to break up your family but you sound so unhappy and lost.

What about the sort-of OW you posted about back in October? Did anything resolve with her?

Remember you are entitled to be happy and to make your own decisions.

You need to have some counselling sessions yourself.

You sound emotionally wrung out by it all and I'm not surprised.

This female friend of his - what do they talk about exactly?

I ask because I discovered my h had one. They only met five times apparently, talking about how low they were in their marriages but other stuff too. Like they were dating. I found out and it's stopped but it takes ages to 1. decide what to do and 2. if you decide to stay, then to build up trust etc takes ages too. It's a long haul.

He can't be allowed to pull the rug from under you by saying he's unhappy. I would suggest he stops seeing this female friend actually. Focus on you. Make a list of things you individually and both want. See if they are compatible. Even basic stuff like how much sex. How many hugs. Cups of tea brought to bed. Family walks/days out.

It won't come naturally at first but it's about making a real effort. You can't cast aside your doubts but at the same time, you can't let your doubts inhibit your decision to make a go of things because you're not really making a go of things then.

Have you been angry yet?

Hi Winky I remember your thread. I hope you are ok.

I think you've probably been trying hard to repress your feelings but as a PP said earlier (sorry I'm on my phone and can't check the names) you can become unwell if you don't give credence to how you feel.

Sorry that last paragraph was aimed at OP.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for replying. I will give a longer response when I'm not due to do the school run but just wanted to let you know I've been following the responses and have been mulling things over in the light of what you've all said.

A few people have asked about OW so just to say I think that's been nipped in the bud. I expect it was talking to her that brought things to a head for DH. But he knows what he did, whilst not being an affair, was totally unacceptable (long story but I've made my case and he seems to see the error).

As I said I'll write more next time relating to specific comments. Am on phone right now.

Just coming back on with an update. Around the time I sent that last message I got to the point where I couldn't carry on anymore. I was in a mess emotionally and was having panic attacks, which I've never had before. We both agreed that the best thing to do was to separate for the sake of my well being and he finally moved out (at my request because of the panic attacks) a fortnight ago.

I have felt a MILLION times better since then.

I feel calmer, in control, happier, more optimistic, enjoying life etc.

It's usually tense and stressful whenever he's around (to collect the children for example) but yesterday I was cooking tea and got out a pudding from the freezer that he'd bought when he was still living here, and I thought, I know I'll invite him over to share it for pudding. And then I realised I had made enough food for him to eat dinner with us too. So I texted him and he came straight over, and it was really nice. It felt good to have (in just 2 weeks) felt relaxed and in control of my life enough to invite him back in.

I think we're going to be OK you know. I don't know if we'll be apart or together, but we're going to be OK.