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Original poster

DH not happy and thinking of leaving

134 replies

TruckingOn · 06/10/2014 12:56

Name changed for this. We have 3 children, between 6 months and 6 yrs old. He told me last Sunday he wasn't happy, he thinks we're both unhappy and he's still (a week later) unsure what to do.

He says he loves me, loves us all, but doesn't love me in "that" way anymore and doesn't know if he'll be able to again. Our sex life has been near to non existent since having the first child because of his lack of desire to have sex since then. I just assumed things in that department would get better when the children were older. Or something.

Breaking up the family upsets him. But he says we're both negative people and, because we help each other when the other one's down, the net effect is that we're always treading water (with one of us being down, then the other). We've turned into each other's carers.

I totally get his point and I agree (esp since he lost the desire to have sex about 5/6 years ago) but I don't want to split up, I just assumed things would get back on track when we didn't have such a young family.

Any insights?

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 08/10/2014 10:32

Two weeks - in the context of a marriage?

When we had our crisis I decided, at a very low point, to give it a year from the time it started.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/10/2014 10:35

Agree with others, sorry.

So the plan is you jump through hoops for a fortnight, and then he gets to say, 'meh, its not working, is it', with his head held high.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/10/2014 10:36

You have to wonder what is his hurry?

C4ro · 08/10/2014 11:08

Two weeks!! Is that how much effort he is prepared to sink into an over 6 year relationship? A week per child? He sounds like he has one foot out of the door already.

OW is either fully present now or already queued up as a dead cert with preparatory heavy flirting, I'm 90%+ sure of that. He might not yet have actually done it but it's absolutely why there is a sudden 2 week time limit on his effort with you. He is going through some rather feeble motions so he doesn't have to face himself in the mirror for the shithead he is.
His story will be "I tried but wifey wasn't in it to fix it" . So that his doesn't make him look like bastard-of-the-year.

Original poster
TruckingOn · 08/10/2014 11:18

I hope you're wrong about OW waiting in the wings but I do feel you're right about 2 weeks bring lip service, which is how I felt in the middle of the night.

I've asked him to go away for a bit (I've suggested a week/fortnight) to decide if he wants to put in the massive changes I presume are needed to get back to being happy together again.

I hope he realises he wants to at the end of it. But if he doesn't, at least I'll have avoided the erosion of my esteem/sanity which I'll need in order to move on.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/10/2014 11:50

After he started his affair it took my husband roughly a year to decide that he would move out - months after I got the "don't love you in that way and not sure I ever will again" bullshit. Near the end he went to "counselling" but in fact that turned out not to be a proper counsellor; she was a woman who did careers guidance and helped with relationships on the side. I tried an hour with her myself and it was a complete farce. Are you sure your husband is going to counselling?

hellsbells he said that thing to his mistress about having a "duty" to me, too. Said I didn't have much of a pension (as a SAHM for several years) and he knew he was responsible for me (gak). Don't know how it works in the UK, but when you divorce here they work out how much of your partner's pension you get if you were a SAHM, so all that "sorry, but I have a duty" stuff was probably him keeping the mistress up in the air too. He seems to have enjoyed wielding that power over us both.

Vivacia · 08/10/2014 12:17

I've asked him to go away for a bit (I've suggested a week/fortnight) to decide if he wants to put in the massive changes I presume are needed to get back to being happy together again.

I think you've done the right thing. I'd also add about it giving you time to decide if you want to persevere with the marriage too.

Make sure it doesn't turn in to a two-week holiday / fling with OW though. You need your thinking time and the children need to spend time with their dad.

Original poster
TruckingOn · 08/10/2014 15:58

He's not sure whether that's the best thing to do. Must admit I'm not sure either so I'm not pushing that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
TruckingOn · 08/10/2014 16:00

God it's such bad timing. I know there's never a "right" time but I could think straighter and be more available to sort things out if I weren't focussed on my gorgeous 6 month old baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
TruckingOn · 08/10/2014 16:01

(I'm focussed on my gorgeous other two children but they're a bit older so need less of the full-on attention. They're not breast feeding on demand every 2-3 hours for a start).

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/10/2014 16:12

He's not sure!!!????
Fuck him.
It's not up to him.
This is your decision in the interim.
You decide what's best.
If you really don't think it is then that's fine.
But don't listen to what HE wants.
He gave up that right!

IrianofWay · 08/10/2014 16:17

Two weeks!! Shock

Laughable.

LBZT · 08/10/2014 16:29

OP Please don't let him dictate his "I'm not sure" stance. Tell him it's what you want.
If you bow down and let him set the tone now, going forward he may very well continue to trample all over you. I know it's hard but create your boundaries now. He needs to understand that there are two of you here and he cannot dictate how it's going to be played out, you have a say in what will happen.

vdbfamily · 08/10/2014 16:41

If you read what OP said ,she said she also is not sure that him going away is the right thing.One thing that frustrates me so much about MN is that everyone projects THEIR relationship onto the situation.Some of you are talking about the OW as if she is definate.There may be one but we do not know that. This is OP's relationship.She has 3 small children.She wants her relationship to work out and needs some sensible advice re how to best go about this. It is not for her to dictate...that is not a marriage....it is for OP and her husband to decide between them. Surely his thoughts are more important than a stranger on MUmsnet. He sounds very confused to me and I agree that 2 weeks is laughable but it is just possible that he is naive and clueless about these things.OP, I really really hope that you two can sort this out but he needs to understand that the timescales for overcoming marriage blips are months/years not weeks!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/10/2014 16:48

I think the OP has done exactly the right thing telling the DH to go away and think. They've had an emotional hand-grenade thrown into their relationship and the only reasonable response that stands a chance of retaining her self-respect is to take it 100% on face value. If he's 'naïve and clueless' a couple of weeks kipping on a friend's sofa might just sharpen him up a bit. If there's something more serious going on, he knows the OP is not to be pissed around with.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/10/2014 16:52

he is naive and clueless about these things.

I'm not sure I get you.

He thinks he wants to leave the marriage. He's giving it his very best shot. Oh, just another two weeks actually.

OP, If you want to save the marriage, I would tell him you want the truth about the potential ow, ask him what his absurd hurry is, and tell him he needs to give it a year if he is serious. If he can't do any of that, I'd let him go.

Cloudhowe63 · 08/10/2014 17:07

You sound strong in a horrible situation. Please put yourself in the driving seat and don't allow his indecisiveness to leave you dangling. You should work quickly to protect your financial future whatever you both decide. It's amazing how many 'lovely' men suddenly become capable of emptying bank accounts.

Vivacia · 08/10/2014 19:15

It is not for her to dictate...that is not a marriage....it is for OP and her husband to decide between them

I think MNers are merely introducing this balance, not removing any that may already exist.

Original poster
TruckingOn · 09/10/2014 11:16

I called time on it last night. Thank you all for your input. I think it saved us from a messy long drawn out split and has enabled us to start what I imagine will be a long process as friends.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/10/2014 11:25

Oh TruckingOn, hope you are ok. I think you're right.

Having him vacillate around you would be the worst option.

Original poster
TruckingOn · 09/10/2014 11:25

Ps I don't feel like I'm Trucking On now. I feel rather energised actually, in leaving a marriage in which I now realise I've been unloved for years. Feel more like, I don't know, Moving On.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2014 11:31

That sound more positive. Although be careful about assuming he is your friend. Friends don't crap on other friends from a great height.... Go for 'civil' and see how it goes.

FelicityGubbins · 09/10/2014 11:33

Moving on is a great name Grin there is always a sense of relief and empowerment in jumping rather than being pushed.
It takes a lot of balls to do mind and you should be proud of your strength !

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/10/2014 12:07

Good for you, Truckin.

I do agree with cog though: co-parents and friends might be your goal but be wary, and protect your interests firstly. There may soon be an OW on the scene, and that might - not necessarily - make the separation much less friendly.

Vivacia · 09/10/2014 12:15

Well done MovingOn!