DH not happy and thinking of leaving

[TruckingOn]

Name changed for this. We have 3 children, between 6 months and 6 yrs old. He told me last Sunday he wasn't happy, he thinks we're both unhappy and he's still (a week later) unsure what to do.

He says he loves me, loves us all, but doesn't love me in "that" way anymore and doesn't know if he'll be able to again. Our sex life has been near to non existent since having the first child because of his lack of desire to have sex since then. I just assumed things in that department would get better when the children were older. Or something.

Breaking up the family upsets him. But he says we're both negative people and, because we help each other when the other one's down, the net effect is that we're always treading water (with one of us being down, then the other). We've turned into each other's carers.

I totally get his point and I agree (esp since he lost the desire to have sex about 5/6 years ago) but I don't want to split up, I just assumed things would get back on track when we didn't have such a young family.

Any insights?

He came back home last night (spare room) again, after 2 nights in b&b since he didn't want to keep spending money on b&bs.

It's actually worse when he's around. I keep thinking maybe he'll realise he wants to stay. We had a nice evening last night just watching a bit of Telly after the kids were in bed. But then I woke up this morning feeling anxious.

We talked again. He said he wasn't going to take the house share he saw yesterday (he'd looked at a house share advertised locally where the home owner was a single mum and her 10 yr old son and they're away half the week apparently) because leaving us just doesn't feel right.

I mean, he'd said last night before we went to bed that he wanted to get the finances sorted together today so I'm not sure where today's indecision has come from. Maybe swayed by me saying are you sure you want to do this (etc) this morning. I'm not being very resolved or strong - just feel I need to be sure it's totally irretrievably over before I move on, I think.

He's gone out now because he realised it's worse for me at the moment when he's around the house and undecided. Says he wants to think about it, call his mum etc.

Any more safe advice/thoughts?

*sage

Tuesday he says he wants to make a go of it, Saturday he wants to quit while you're ahead, Sunday he's 'undecided and wants to think about it.

FFS OP - just kick the fucker out. Make the decision for yourself. How long are you going to let him go on doing this to you?

Erm... so you called time and he whimpered and now you are letting him decide the rest of your life.

Have a long think... what do you want. Sod being undecided, you are unhappy - read back the whole of this thread - which posts did you sound most like you in?

He may be having difficulties, doubts and second thoughts, but he started this ride. Now... have that think and tell him what happens next.

Nomama - such a good idea to look back at the thread and see which sounds most like me. I'll do that now.

Ok I've looked at it. I was doing fine until I said last Sat that it was time to tell the kids and he did a sudden about-turn and moved back in. I think that's what threw me and I haven't recovered. Also got my first post-natal period a day or two after that so that clouded my judgement I think.

I need to be strong and get back to MovingOn, in the light of everything he's said.

I am sorry you are going through this.

You really need to take control here.

I would suggest the best thing is for him to be living elsewhere while you sort out what you want and look into the financial and legal aspects.

Please gather real-life support around you too.

Moments after I sent my last message he came home saying he wanted to make it work.

I asked him if he'd have appropriate friendships with women from now on (because of the thing with the OW) and we got into a row about defining what had gone on there.

We continued rowing about other stuff until I lost my temper and said I was leaving and taking the kids (two of whom are away on a mini break with my parents tonight for a half term treat) and saying he was a selfish fucking twat.

Me and baby are now sitting in the car (baby asleep) outside a local hotel. I'm not proud of how I behaved back there. I'm just processing things.

We definitely need space right now to cope with this (well, I do). Things are worse when we're living under same roof with all this going on. I don't want our savings used up on hotels/b&bs so maybe I'll move in with my folks for a bit with the children. I hadn't wanted to do that for a host of reasons. But how else do we afford it? Or should I be thinking differently somehow? I've lost the plot a bit.

I hear you all saying I have to take control by the way. I just don't know how to do that in real terms.

How you do that in real terms is to stop engaging with this prevaricating arsehole.

Why in hell are you considering moving out? You and the kids belong in the family home not him, and he's the one that should be worrying about 'cost of hotels' and so on, not you.

Tell him you want him 'out' - now today, regardless of what he wants and then stick to it. Give yourself some time and space away from the uncertainty and instability of his whims and wants, prevarications and pronouncements.

You should definitely not be the one to leave. Go home, and pack his bags. Stay strong!

Don't leave the family home. He needs to go now. Stick to your guns.

I came back last night all ready to call it a day but when I arrived home he was really considerate to me and when we talked he said he still wanted to make a go of it.

I was too tired of it all by that point to put up much resistance but did a check of my earlier terms and he was still in agreement.

Didn't sleep very well as he was back in our bed and snoring. Not convinced he meant it, think it was because he's worried about access to the children in a break up and also because I was angry with him which he doesn't like either so maybe wanted a reconciliation for that reason too.

Don't know how to trust that this is genuine nor do I know what's best for me any more.

I pretty much know that everyone here is going to say I was a fool. But it's the man I married, the man who's the father of my three children, saying he wants to make a go of it. I don't feel I can throw that away without giving it a go.

Any thoughts on that or on how to positively move forward now?

So what is he actually going to do to improve things? You told him you want to be loved and cherished with your sex life back on track after 6 years. What steps is he taking towards those things?

It seems as if you are in limbo with all his to-ing and fro-ing. If you are prepared to give it a go, be direct about what you want and no more second chances.

Yes I set out those things yesterday. Perhaps it's just a case of giving him the benefit of the doubt for a bit and seeing how things pan out?

I feel so lost still.

And yes suckitup I do feel in limbo still too.

He needs to move out, on a temporary basis to start with. Start dating again, see how you get on. He can see the dc regularly. He can babysit while you go out. Have occasional days out as a family. You've come this far, don't go back to the way things were as no one will be happy. He needs to realise that both of you deserve happiness, and it's not just about what he needs. Good luck, I hope you become MovingOn!

Ooh spot on advice @camo. I'd just texted him in fact, to say please stay away while I figure out what's best so yes that advice is a good plan for MovingOn in the direction I feel is right.

Feeling a wave of positivity again, thank you.

Just came back on my old thread to remember what happened in Oct when DH said he was unhappy and possibly wanted to leave.

I can't recall the details after this coz I appear to have stopped posting but he never did move out, neither did I and I agreed to give it another go around early Dec.

But it's been a very emotional period since then.

I am struggling with anxiety, lethargy and low moods which I feel sure aren't being helped by recent events (or possibly are the result of them). I'm unsure whether I did the right thing in staying. I'm getting fed up of going round and round the pros and cons in my head.

He's trying to be more affectionate now. But I'm still finding it incredibly difficult to remain optimistic about getting through this. If it's ever over it'll be my lack of optimism (something I struggle with anyway, bring more of a realist) and I don't want to lose our family set up because I couldn't get past this.

Burble burble. Any thoughts?

What about couples counselling? It sounds like the two of you communicate well when you need to, and surely if you wanted it to be over it would be by now.

Do you want to stay married to him?

You are unhappy. That is reason enough to end the marriage.

Hi OP,I've read the full thread and it seema to me that while you are unhappy your marriage isn't a dead loss.Maybe counselling for you on your own would be a good idea?Is there any sign now that the OW was on the scene?Do you think anything physical happened with them?

As you say this is your husband and the father of your children,personally I don't think this is something to just throw away easily,certainly not only just because you aren't happy.The grass isn't necessarily greener.

You stayed, you aren't happy. Time to try the other option?

Is it possible for you to work out why you feel anxious?

Because the options are action are very different between, for example

1. You feel anxious because you feel this isn't resolved yet and you are scared you lose him and your children lose a father.
2. You feel anxious because you fundamentally don't trust him anymore and are uncomfortable having him around.

The option in scenario 1 is definitely stick around and work on it. In scenario 2 it is work out if your lack of trust is really justified and then decide whether you want to leave or stick around.

It does sound like you have had a bit of a shadow of a marriage since your first child was born. That is a long time to go through the motions.

If I have missed details about his relationship with his female friend, my apologies, but it doesn't sound like she was a real "OW". Is it possible what happened was he felt drawn to some one else, got emotionally close, considered his own feelings over the last 6 years, spoke to you about being unhappy. Then when that possibility was out in the real world he then woke up and saw what he was risking i.e. a marriage, a family, his children's future. I would say how quickly he turned his thoughts around when he saw the other options (B&Bs, flatshares, visiting kids not living with them) is actually a good thing. He came to his senses pretty quickly. So if it was a near miss but no infidelity, he will be very defensive about it, but I don't think it has totally ruled out the possibility of your marriage working.

Agree with PPs who say that as you have three young children and a marriage this isn't something to throw away lightly. Divorce would be an huge emotional and practical strain on you, him and your children. For possibly a couple of decades. Even the most committed divorced dads can do a disappearing act when a new partner appears on the scene and starts demanding either a family of her own or that he is dad to her existing kids first and foremost.

Divorce is something that can be the best option in dire circumstances, but it really is a very difficult option emotionally, practically, financially. If trust has broken down irretrievably, that's one thing, but if you are both is an kind of "afraid of losing the other but don't want to make the right moves in case of rejection" paralysis, then that is sign that there is something there to save.

I mention this as I had a lot of anxiety over being married when I was first married- anxiety that came from actually having something to lose. It took me a lot of work to get past that and I still struggle with it occasionally. I found it easy to think that DH should make more an effort to pursue me emotionally/physically/affectionately and it took me a while to understand that he was just as petrified of rejection as I was. One time he remarked to me something like"No-one tells you how hard marriage is sometimes. When you're growing up it's all hearts and flowers and dream weddings, but no-one tells you that sometimes you need to work really hard on your marriage, like you work on your degree or your job. When you think about it it properly, of course it makes sense that it takes effort, nothing that good comes without you putting the work in, but no-one tells you that. People should tell their kids that, it's make them more prepared. It's totally worth it, but it's not a walk in the park." i think it's especially true that men don;t get much emotional education/discussion growing up about what relationships actually take.

So now if he makes a little move, I make one back and it's like a dance. I know this could be an oversimplification, but I think we are often brought up to think that men are these hugely emotionally robust lumps with limitless reserves of chutzpah and innate unshakeable confidence when often they have the same insecurities and foibles as we do, and sometimes pick up on our insecurities and feel them too.

Would it help to stop going over the pros and cons in your head and just put your efforts into building more pros? I mean this because sometimes action makes decisions easier than analysis.

Anyway, HTH and that your anxiety subsides.