"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

No, primary, but AIBU is not rl. It's a place for people to be straight/vile because they can't be IRL. Smoke's mistake was to post on the kamikaze highway.

I've read this over a few days - too gut-churning to read in one go. What stands out to me, smoke, is that your liberal, and entirely identifying, exposure of info suggests you don't have personal boundaries. This may be due to underlying MH issues; or it could be because your personal boundaries have been routinely trashed and you are unaware that there is such a thing as personal boundaries.

You talk about 'the family' - frequently use 'we' instead if 'I' - as though you are all one, there is no dividing line between each individual within that unit. It sounds rather as though you all pitch in to address whatever is facing the family unit (which is why you were so angry that your sister refused to tow the family line by paying for your daughter's school fees). Except it doesn't look as though everyone is pitching in everything. I mean your parents, who don't seem to be conforming to the rules they have set. But they have ensured you, your unswerving commitment, work and finances are fodder for the family firm.

They may be dribbling £1500 your way pm because you can't be trusted - or they feel you cant be trusted - with a lump sum. Or they may be diddling and controlling you. Impossible to tell which it is.

Perhaps your sister, having done her French A level protest, has escaped from the communist rules of the family firm and, maybe, now she has had 7 years to recover, has realised you are still in it up to your neck and wants to rescue you. One thing that sticks on that hypothesis is that she has suggested your ex joins the holiday, too. Is it possible that, as she's been out of the family for 7 years, she doesn't know you and ex split 3 years ago?

Smoke I apologise for my previous message, it was totally out of order.

I didn't properly read through thread before I posted.

Things really don't sound right here with accountant etc, can you get independent advice from somewhere else.

Sorry again.

She has not been incommunicado from the family, just a bit distant at times. We exchange Christmas Cards and buy birthday presents for each others kids.
My kids went to stay with her on occasions over the last 7 years, it was just that we would only just say "hello" to each other, brother would not even say hello to her.

I feel that I am in the middle of a "three way tug of War" between parents, brother and sister. Each one of them trying to pull me their way, with little thought what is in my best interests.

Accountant sounds correct to me. I cannot see there being a tax liability.

I don't understand why your brother won't speak to her because she would pay your children's school fees?

Was the plan to give the money to you, him or pay the school direct (if talks got that far).

It seems odd for him to react more vehemently than you.

smoke I can tell you really love your parents, but please strike out on your own. You would get about the same in benefits as you are getting in expenses now. You would also get help in finding a job as all ESA claimants who are WRAG do.

Then you need to step out of the middle of that tug of war. And the best way to do it is to begin to support yourself. Whether that is by receiving benefits & pursuing education/trade training, on DLA if you have an incapacitating condition, or with a job. To be financially dependent on another person creates a feeling of 'owing them' for the supportee and a feeling of having a right to tell them what to do for the supporter. That's pretty much what your sister has done. She refused to be 'beholden' to the family and thus has been able to live her own life without regards to what the family wants her to do.

OP, I'm sure you have but make sure you have a will made out which leaves your estate (the property in which is in your name I think) to your children, and do not name your parents or brother as executors or guardians. You don't want your family or your ex (especially if you are not divorced) to get control of it.

The link below has info and an advice line that might be helpful.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en

Springydaffs. You are very right, there seems to be two different sets of rules one for them and a different one for me.

Those of you who say, why did you work for 20+ years in the family business, it is easy to say that without understanding the dynamic of a family business. An example is that many times, I walked out "never" coming back , as soon as you get home ,you get back in your car and go back
to work. In the good times the rewards make such devotion to the family business worth it. In the bad times , it is the most toxic place you can ever be, ever member of family shouting swearing even "fighting" with each other.

I remember when I was about 22 and I had decided, that it was time to move away from the family business. , DD1 had just been born and I wanted to start a life with my DH (EX) and that involved new employment.
The abuse and name calling , being told by Mum/ Dad to F* then. Being told who has just bought you that BMW Convertible in no uncertain terms and that I was only employed by them because no one else would employ me. The flip side to that is being told how "brilliant" you are and that the business could not survive and by the way Iv'e bought you this Watch for being the best. These are the dynamics that unless you have worked in any family business are hard to explain to people who have worked in non family business. The other thing that happens is I think you develop a character that is unique to that environment and it becomes difficult to adapt once out of the family business.

When I was 16 I ran away to join my brother in Manchester, I got on the train without telling anyone, it was only the next day they realised I had gone. My father drove like a "lunatic" up the country to fetch me back. The only thing he told me was that I was a disgrace for walking out of work and that I deserved to be sacked!.

Ralth . Yes I dearly love them and I am sure they love me to but perhaps its difficult for them to let go of their youngest child. The one who filled the void when elder daughter disappointed them and son was not interested in the business.

It really is bizarre that it was your sister you minimised contact with, given the behaviour of your parents.

I have not read your full thread, but springdaffs is usually spot on.

Your past post suggests your family is really quite controlling. I think sister got out, you didn't. My little sister is in the same position as you, I am the estranged one.

I am going to RTFT.

pico, my sister stopped contacting me. I think it is because she is in the position of being the closely, intwined one, her allegiances lie with the parents and they are also where the money comes from. A massive part of her identity comes from being the supportive lone who stayed; really, she is the golden child in a gilded cage.

The dynamics are nothing to do with a family business and everything to do with dysfunction, control and interdependency.

"The abuse and name calling , being told by Mum/ Dad to F* then. Being told who has just bought you that BMW Convertible in no uncertain terms and that I was only employed by them because no one else would employ me. The flip side to that is being told how "brilliant" you are and that the business could not survive and by the way Iv'e bought you this Watch for being the best. "

I am sorry smoke but this is how emotional abusers work. I had a similar sort of mum, lovely, showering me with gifts when I did what she wanted. Calling me every name under the sun when I made a decision for myself. When you are brought up that way you think it is normal. I was the dutiful daughter, always trying to keep her happy, while my sister moved out and moved on.

I had SS involvement with my son when he was born due to my bipolar. When the SWs did the initial assessment I explained that to her. My mum could be the nicest person in the world, but also the nastiest, depending on whether or not you did what she said. She described my upbringing as the worst case of emotional abuse she had ever heard of in her entire career and recommended my mum had zero contact with her grandson. Mum has since died.

No-one has the right to swear at you and belittle you. A designer watch and a BMW do not change that.

I think you know on some level this is not acceptable, but admitting that would destroy the way you currently view your parents.

You are right, SDTG. At the moment the gifts are classed as potentially exempt transfers (PET). They only become exempt from inheritance tax if the parents survive the gifts by 7 years.

smoke, I'd get that in writing from the accountant, if I were you, so you can claim on his PI insurance if he turns out to be wrong.

Your parents' treatment of you is awful smoke. Shockingly bad.

It seems this part of Mumsnet is calmer waters!.

Arsenic. I can see you are currently on the (£100k squeezed middle thread).

There has been some truly appalling statements on that thread (the Millon Pound a year post and not being not rich. I think that's a TROLL Even those saying £150k A year is not rich is frightful and untrue and they are richer than 98% of the population.
However, none of these posters have received anything like the "vitriol" or bile that has been aimed at me by some posters on this thread.

I believe that I was identified as a "target" and attacked, no doubt by some of them boasting on that thread.

It's quite insane on that thread. Bonkers. People will be judged by their own words on that subject, I think.

TBH smoke, I think the scepticism you received was partly because of the way in which were essentially repeating the family 'party line' re your sister and the school fees. Whilst you were doing that, you did sound a bit unreasonable and it was hard to believe that people genuinely think that way.

I was sceptical myself at first, for which I apologise.

Accepted with Thanks Arsenic.

I would avoid AIBU if I were you smoke.

It's good to see you are still here, Smoke.

Please take time to think about what has been said on this thread by people who are actually giving you some constructive comments. Is there someone objective you could talk about this with in RL? Perhaps your GP could refer you to a counsellor? It could help you to talk about it all.

One poster gave details of the benefits you are entitled to. Entitled to, Smoke. So please think about that. If you do register as unemployed that also means your NI contributions are paid, which is important for your pension. the job centre can also provide help with updating your CV, helping you complete job applications etc.

Smoke I'm sure there will be National Careers Service advisers attached to one or more of your local colleges if you'd like help with updating your CV or learning to tailor your skills to applications.

smoke, I think your parents' accountant may be wrong.

I can't see how £1500 pm for your living costs can be allowable business expenses.

Please check, and don't be fobbed off.

It might be business expenses for them - but surely not for Smoke?

it sounds like they are protected tax-wise, but she is not.

I think you might be right, Katie.

Smokepole - I am no tax expert, but I agree wholeheartedly with those who have advised you to consult someone independent of your parents about these 'expenses', someone who knows about tax law. If we are all wrong, and your parents' accountant is right, then that's fine, but if he's not, best you know now.

Ideally, you should have in writing what these payments are. If they are a gift, there is one tax treatment. If they are dividends (shouldn't be, if you're no longer a shareholder) there is another. If they are net salary, and your parents' company has paid tax and NI, then they should be giving you payslips and a form P60 at the year end. If they are instalments of your share in the proceeds of the sale of the business, has Capital Gains Tax been paid on them? Is it due? And why are you receiving instalments, and not a lump sum? If instalments, are you due interest, on what is, effectively a loan?

You really need to find these things out.