"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

Smoke, I remember you wrote about the possibility of an ASD in your other thread and wish you well when you get your appointment.

However, in that previous thread you also spoke about your work in your parents' business, how brilliant you were at running it, the long shifts you put in and what a success you were. TBH that doesn't fit in with the picture you are now painting of someone who finds it difficult to work.

You've also posted about not claiming other benefits you may be entitled to - why would you then consider claiming DLA? And what additional care or supervision do you need that would entitle you to claim DLA?

I can't believe I've wasted so much of my life on this and the other thread.

However ..........

1. Your sister sounds very sensible. You still appear very angry with her for walking out of an A Level and not going to University to "prove a point to your parents". Your parents sound very controlling and her success is probably due to her standing up to them at such a young age.

1. I don't understand the whole business sale thing. Essentially you were earning £40k running the business (not much considering its size) and had shares but when the business was sold you gave the shares up for £1. Why, woman, why! Why did your parents not give you your share that you were no doubt entitled to, to the point where they are giving you subsistence money because you have no income? You mortgaged your house to secure their business whilst they live (alone) in a £900k house and then are happy to pocket the entire proceeds of the sale.

1. You need to understand that everything that has happened has been your choice, Your response to a difficult circumstance. Acknowledging this gives you much more power because you can change those choices. Everything thing you list on this post comes with a reason why it was someone else's fault. You would have done better at school if Daddy had paid the fees, the business would have survived had it not been for the hoodlums, ExDH would be fine if the licensing laws hadn't changed. No they wouldn't. You and DH were in control of all of these things.

You are beating yourself up about the right schools but your children will not grow up to be independent and self sufficient. If they do, it will because they follow your sisters lead and run a mile from you and your parents.

Get a job.

Go on he holiday with your Sis and family and build bridges. It sounds like family is important to you and it will be silly to not try and become close again. All family dynamics are unique

Actually I would love to do something with children, who suffer from Autism and its effects. Sadly with no A Levels or GCSEs and my age it is not going to be possible , I don't think ?

The Open University Degree is to try to give me some self confidence. I have zero confidence about anything I try to do.

I cant even cook DD2 does the cooking, because I am hopeless DD2 , DS always went round to Mums for Tea/ Dinner the most I can do is use a Microwave and put pre cooked food in it.

1. I don't understand the whole business sale thing. Essentially you were earning £40k running the business (not much considering its size) and had shares but when the business was sold you gave the shares up for £1. Why, woman, why! Why did your parents not give you your share that you were no doubt entitled to, to the point where they are giving you subsistence money because you have no income? You mortgaged your house to secure their business whilst they live (alone) in a £900k house and then are happy to pocket the entire proceeds of the sale.

OP what was the business sold for and what equity stake did you have?

If this is correct I think your parents should be facing criminal charges for abuse of a vulnerable adult.

this is fucking hilarious

ratth I luffs you

I am being serious Flossy. When I lost my job I got depression and could not afford my mortgage. I sold my house and my mum persuaded me to put all the cash in her bank and then she would help me handle my finances. She didn't. She left the country and I was left on the streets.
If they have persuaded you to give away your equity stake for £1 that is really serious.
BTW I am not looking for any sympathy regarding what happened to me.

It may or may not be possible. However if you are diagnosed with ASD or something else at your appointment then I really think you need to get used to and on top of your own issues before you even contemplate working with vulnerable children. Seriously.

What are the things you can't do? Cooking is one example. You could learn. Buy a Delia Smith book and start with very simple things. Not cordon bleu. Chopping stuff to go in a stew.
You could volunteer in a shop. Help the wrvs at the hospital.
But I don't understand how you have gone from 'Look at me saving 135k' to oh I need DLA and can't look after myself without something happening to you.

It is because you said what I wanted to say ralt but you said it better.

Katie Kaye. Its my self confidence that has gone , It happens especially if you believe you are useless in your own mind. you dwell on all the negative aspects of your life, not the positives and then times it by ten. The thought of actually working for some-one other than Family or Friends terrifies me!.

How can I cope with not being able take time-outs when Angry and Depressed ? I could not just walk out for an hour to Cool Down or Chill, when things got too much for me I "blow Up" like a Volcano .

You and your brother made the pact whilst young and inexperienced. Your sister made a passing comment that gave the impression she would go along with it. But was she really happy to? Obviously not. So why hold her to it? Why hold so much against her? Your sister doesn't have to give you a bean

Aibo, Gogo.

OP needs to look at herself before spending a week with everyone trapped together up a mountain. And she's not showing much ability to do that.

okay-perhaps I was slightly harsh. You may have mental health issues that make it difficult for you to grasp another persons perspective.
However you are still being very self centered.
You need to stop and think very hard about how it feels to your parents to have a family rift at their age.
You need to stop and think how it feels to your sister to hold out the olive branch to you.
Really try hard to put yourself in their situation.

You are still an adult and your sister is not responsible for you.
If she chooses to help you-fine. She is however under no obligation.

I am wondering too why you are persisting in posting when everyone is giving very negative feedback. I don't think it can be helping your depressed mental state.
I hope you get help from your GP and feel better but I do understand why other people with mental health issues are worried about depression etc being linked with selfishness. Being mentally ill does not equate with being self absorbed.

I worked in a family business putting away Money I saved from wages from 1988-2000 from the age of 14 that is how I bought a house. Despite the perception on here , I worked very hard and put on average about £10k a year way between them years from wages and (bonuses) The only out goings I had were going out, so I was able to save a sizeable amount of money over that time.

I can work in a family business in specific roles ( be good at it by doing it my way) I cannot do things other peoples way. I did not say I was going to claim PIP or DLA , just that I might be eligible for it based on a diagnosis of Aspergers and other Neuro developmental issues.

ooh! missed the part about your parent's possible financial abuse. This all sounds very bizarre and may put a different complexion on things.
However still can't see that your sister has done anything wrong at all.

You still haven't answered by question about why you signed over your share of the business. How big (%age not £) was it?

Smoke, I know how that feels. A few years ago I couldn't get dressed, far less leave the house.

If that is how you are feeling then you do need medical help for your depression - medication is only one step to helping you get back on your feet. If you are feeling capable of doing an OU course then that is a huge positive.

Everyone who works has times where they could just scream and shout! that is totally normal. You just have to choke it down and wait till break time and then go out and have a good bitch with your mates about it all.

Maybe if you take back some control of your life you will start to feel better about things? At the moment you sound as if you let everyone else take control of things for you so no wonder you feel helpless. Have you told your GP how dominating your family is? there are lots of therapies that could help you.

even though you don't want to work it is often very positive for people with depression - it gives you a routine, something else to think about, meet new people etc.

You are only 41. You've got a lot of productive years ahead of you. As for the cooking - why on earth didn't your DP make sure they taught you to do basic things when you were still a teen? Cooking is a life skill everyone needs to have. But it isn't too late - as said above get the Delia Smith books and just have fun.

Ralth. My parents have got about two of their houses in the bank!.

They drip feed me about £1500 a month I am probably saying to much now though ?.

Smoke I'm sot sure this is doing you any good.

smoke, I think you need to step away from this. There are some right vipers on here, ready to pounce on you and they don't want to help, just pick your every word apart. Please, just focus on yourself.

£1500 a month and no housing costs to pay out of that? No wonder working doesn't seem attractive.

I don't earn that much a month from my job. However the fact that I achieved it through my own efforts make it much more important to my quality of life and to my self worth than the actual money it brings in.

A lot of posters here don't believe you.

Their scepticism isn't going to help you is it? It's just going to make you feel more shit.

Smoke, I also think you need to think about the future.

Hopefully your parents can continue to give you that money but if there's nothing formal, it could stop at anytime.

Presumably they are now in 60s/70s. Care home bills, health issues etc could all make circumstances change.

Carry on taking the money by all means, but only as a transition to looking after yourself.

Seriously though, a volunteering placement might do wonders for yourself confidence, regardless of whether it leads to work. And the right placement would be accommodating of your difficulties.