"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

I think it's Nigel farage. It's the right area and now the Labour party is getting the blame

I'm sure you're right, Sallyingforth.

I just think perhaps the OP needs to start looking at her family dynamic very differently to the way she has for the past 7 (at least) years.

You haven't any useful, recent experience in the workplace. You were given advice on the other thread regarding CVs, selling yourself and your transferable skills and looking at volunteering as a route into employment.

You are no age at all in terms of proactively making yourself more employable, but you choose to whine and blame other people or complain life has dealt you a shit hand.

Unfortunately if you have MH issues posting on AIBU might not be the best idea. I have bipolar and am stable at the moment but have made a right prat of myself in the past posting on a different forum when manic. Perhaps just take some time out from this website as you seem to be getting wound up and that will not help your illness at all

And volunteering would give you references as well. You don't stand much chance without them, especially given your lack of work history outside family and friends.

Ilovesooty is right. You need to help yourself rather than expecting a free ride because you have an illness. I spent 5 years out of the workplace due to ill health and volunteering helped me to get a bit of confidence and transition back to work. As I could not get a reference I became self employed.

OP I'm very sorry to hear now, after 300+ odd posts in your thread, that you have MH issues.
If you had said that up front instead of just making yourself out as being selfish and entitled, you would not have received so many critical responses.
But it still remains that AIBU is not the place to get support for your problems. You need some proper help and support in real life, not on MN.
Good luck!

Thank You Raltheraffe. .

Sooty. my mission is to make sure my "Children" are not in my position at 41 years of age after putting 50 hours a week in to a business for years.

And be told you are as employable as a "Bog Roll" but hey don't worry I am sure the Job Centre could arrange some-thing for me. If not what about holding back my Benefits of £75 a week if I don't take a Job despite what i have paid in to the system.

I see the excuses are still being fabricated flowing. Sponging off your family is NOT 'paying your way'. Get a job, stack shelves, have some dignity FFS.

OP please do come back when talk of inheritance starts in your family. I'd pay to have ring side seats for that many hundred conversations

Im sure you said on the other thread that you didn't claim benefits

I don't claim benefits . but we are talking about getting help for employment and if I did not get help from "family" I would claim benefits. I have no idea what a single mother with two under 18 kids gets as benefits , because I have never claimed a penny.

For heaven's sake. You're 41, not at the end of your potential working life. At older than you, I was institutionalised in psychiatric ward. I had ECT. I lost my job through ill health and was refused references.

I've rebuilt my career in a different field through applying for a voluntary role and starting at the bottom. I retrained in yet another field and I'm self employed. I still don't earn the salary I did all those years ago.

I didn't get that by sitting around, drowning in self pity and accepting I had no future. But then I didn't have access to family hand outs either.

I am the eldest of three and would not lend my siblings money for private school fees or shore up a failing business of my parents. Good money after bad springs to mind. The OPS big sister was right.

The private sector is for those who can afford it, most of us can't and survive perfectly well with state educations. IF you didn't want the chance of your kids going to a sec mod, you should not have put them in for the 11 plus.

Smoke, on your last thread you got advice about how to apply for a job. Sending out years old CVs won't cut it. You have to bring your CV up to date and tailor each application for the specific job.
And you know what? I bet tons of people here applied for over a hundred jobs, heard nothing and kept on trying. You are not at all unusual I that but you are unusual because you just gave up.
You will not teach your children to be either self sufficient or responsible members of society. They might achieve that but that will be despite you because you are teaching them to expect their family to hand over money and to go into a massive sulk if they refuse to. Your sister is setting her DC a great example of hard work and generosity and forgiveness. You really should take a leaf out of her book.

You live off other people's money. Your sis was absolutely right not to pay your fees, and is probably only saying she should have in order to resolve the petty and bitter dispute that you've engineered and fed for 7 bloody years, as you're too spoon fed to do the decent thing yourself.

She's offering an olive branch and you're still behaving like a petulant child.

Where on earth is your self respect?

hahahahah bullshit.

So you fell out with her because she wouldn't pay school fees for your kids? But you want to forgive and forget by allowing her to look after your children for a week? Awesome

1 out of 10

So having not talked for 7 years you are being offered a holiday.

What if she drops a bombshell on you?

Has an intervention?

Accuses you of all sorts?

You will be vulnerable in a strange land and unable to leave at short notice.

I will happily admit to having a fear of being overseas having been horribly treated attacked and worse, which might affect my judgement but for goodness sakes, sit down and talk to her first.

Resolve your problems.

I wouldn't go anywhere but that's just me.

I similar to ilovesooty. I lost my job as a doctor in a disability discrimination lawsuit which I won. I got a job cleaning toilets in a factory at 4 am in the morning and learnt the industry then set up my own business and am earning now the same as what I did as a junior doctor. My family are a disgrace who caused my MH issues. Iran violent abuse and brining me up that I was possessed by demons. I do not feel sorry for myself. I told them to piss off and that was the end of it. They are history. I focus on my future

OP - the bit that sticks with me, you and your brother decided that no child of your family should go to a modern as you had a shit time, and your sister then later 'agreed' with this - but clearly wasn't one of those who felt so strongly and passionately about it.

You tied your financial life to your parents and your brother, to your extended family and do seem to see family money and resources as shared, putting the family business first. But you, your DB and parents seem to miss that your DSis thinks differently, she didn't take from the family business, she got into a grammer which you didn't, but she did it from her own abilities, then didn't go to uni, but worked hard, built a career and financial position for herself that wasn't due in any part to your parents.

She didn't see her money as a shared resource as it hadn't been funded in a shared way.

As you would feel all family members have a right to use your assets and financial position in order to do what is for 'the greater good', you obviously assumed other family members money and assets were the same - but as you can see, you and your parents are the unusual ones, the bulk of population don't see money as a shared asset in the extended family, and your sister holds a perfectly valid position that her money, that she earned herself, not in the family business, as hers, not yours.

She also obviously didn't share your view that "moderns" are exactly the same as they were 20-30 years ago and are automatically a disaster for a young person to be sent to one.

Indeed, your DD1 when faced with the choice of moving didn't want to, and still has gone on to prove your sister right and you and your DB wrong by doing so well. Your DD1 didn't need private education.

If you think you can build a better life for your DCs to move to near your DB, then you should go for it, but as it does seem to cause you such angst, have you considered avoiding Trafford with the 11+? you might be better with a good comp, there are lots in Cheshire which can give you a garentee if you move into the area in time, you'll get your DS in. Far less stressful for you, it does seem that you have massive issues with the fact you 'failed' at 11, your DD1 'failed' (even though it looks like she's been fine!) and your dsis 'failed' by not seeing it as the disaster you and your DB thought it was.

You won't heal things with your Dsis until you accept that actually, she had a right to not hand over all her savings, her only security for something that she didn't see as important, only you did- that she's entitled to consider the money she earned without help from any of you as hers, not a communal resource.

oh and OP, I think you'd be better off working out what benefits you are entitled to and start claiming them, because you are so used to not managing your own money, that you live off handouts from yoru parents you can't see how abnormal your way of thinking about independence is. It would still be living off someone else's money, but it would be independent from your parents and brother. It would be a start to acting like an independent adult. Something your Dsis did at 18, something you have yet to do at 41.

You are struggling to understand her position because you've not put youself in a similar one. Try to make yourself independent from the lot of them, even if you do live near your DB, see how different you feel about your sister's decision.

Having read a little more, I am now feeling increasingly uncomfortable. OP said she had MH problems and I believe she said that she has traits of an Austism Spectrum Disorder. People are just using this as entertainment when it could very well be someone's life.

I agree MyFairyKing. OP I do think you should stop posting on this thread, you aren't going to get any benefit from it.

Mary. The issue of schooling is one of the benefits of Trafford , in all probability DD2 will get the grades required for AGGS sixth form .

There are three options for DS all very good the first option though difficult potentially, is a transfer in year 10 to ABGS the second is a private school , for DS (funded by B).
The third option is that the catchment school Wellington is very good and with 74% A-C Maths/English 2014 2013 suffered a blip to 63%, High Achievers average B+ at GCSE (its not a Modern School despite being in a fully selective area) .

There really is no problem in the schooling , Wellington achieves higher grades than the Comprehensive Schools in East Cheshire despite technically being a modern school.

they will all have professions and be self sufficient adults

Ha ha! Good luck, when you are clearly not self sufficient yourself! Lead by example!

You may have made a pact as children but as an adult, you really cannot expect that to stand. Get over it, look after your own children and be grateful your lovely sister is not going to continue to hold you grabbiness against you!