"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

How are your plans for moving up to Manchester coming on, Smoke?
have you decided on an area yet?

I can't remember if your parents are moving too - being such a close family I'd imagine they'd want to be near you and DB and your families.

Blimey - the OP's sister sounds like the only person in the family with any sense, until she started building bridges with the offer of a free holiday.

No one should be expected to bail out other family members financially.

Not familiar with you, your nickname nor your previous post and neither intrigued nor annoyed enough to bother looking them up, but, on the basis of what I have read in this thread, you should not go on this holiday, OP.

In fact based on what I have read in this thread, if you care for your sister in any meaningful way, you should stay out of her life until and unless you can change your mindset radically.

It's not just that you come across as grasping, self-centred and really rather toxic, there is also an undercurrent in your posts that suggest to me a rather irregular social moral standard. It also mildly bothers me that begin your OP with a couple of sentences that seem to suggest that you think you are well known on MN and are holding people in intrigue or annoyance. It makes me wonder are we seeing another glimpse of that 'irregularity'?

In any case, many many posters seem to be telling you all sorts of versions of YABU. It might be interesting to see what you do with that, although perhaps predictable.

I can't even begin to imagine being as entitled as you.

I think your sister is a saint.

You won't take a lowly paid job but would rather still sponge off of your parents.

Maybe you could ask your sister for a loan of some self respect and dignity.

Don't know how to link to it, but if you're not retiring for a few years you'll need 35 years for a full state pension, which will be 144GBP p.w. Bear in mind the retirement age will be at least 67 by then.

I live half way between Folkestone and Dover on the Shepway/ Dover Border council. I pay my Council tax to Dover Council. Mum/Dad pay to Shepway council. Brother pays his Council tax to Cheshire East.

I feel very nervous and I am in a very vulnerable position. I do not want to be in this situation. However , Low paid work will not halt my vulnerability .The only thing I can do is make sure my Children become self sufficient in their future's and have more control over their destiny than I have over mine.

The way to make your children self sufficient in the future is to lead by example which you are clearly not doing. If they follow your example then I expect they will grow up expecting others to provide for them.

I agree, Arsenic, it is the parents who have got the OP into this mess, and they have encouraged her to blame her sister to deflect attention from themselves.

Imagine expecting someone to work in your business for no wages, and at the same time, getting them to put their house up as collateral for your business loans! That's a loooooad of brass neck.

I didn't know anyone did family pacts any more. That's why nobody gets it, OP. Maybe would make sense in southern Italy or some deeply tribal community.

fwiw, I would go on the holiday and pay for what I could while there (wine or chocolate, maybe).

& what an indictment of the grammar school system that it leads to binding family pacts like this one in response to "What if my child should fail the 11+."

KatieKaye. Its going to be Timperley near Altrincham. The endless comments about the place have not put me off!.

Dad refuses to move from Kent, though he could live anywhere Cornwall,Devon, Spain or the Italian Lakes. He loves England but he still sees Kent through the prism of the "Darling Buds of May" and will never leave. He has said he wants his " Ashes sprinkled in " PADDOCK WOOD" for Gods sake!

You are quite right could be tricky living in Timperley but going to Canterbury University. maybe Manchester /Salford offer something similar ?

Smoke please stop posting such identifying info. You really don't have to.

Holy fuck

I am worried now. I am the eldest. I have no savings account to put DN through private school and I can't stand BIL so I am unlikely to ever pay to take him ski ing.

Should I ring DSis now and point her to some of the threads on how to go no contact or just let her realise what a bitch I am in her own time?

Who makes 'pacts' past the age of "5

OP is completely insane. Seriously in need of help.

I would be interested to see your definition of having self sufficient children. As your parents have their own child who has failed to become so. (That's you by the way).

Erm what?!

catgirl, I think you should start saving up. It's only two years worth of private school fees. Around here, that's about £30,000. I'm sure you could have that saved up in no time!

Smoke - you are feeling vulnerable because you cannot support your family, which in turn is because you are not working. You are more vulnerable because you feel very loyal to your parents who didn't advise you to set up a pension and let you put up your house as collateral against their business debts.

You can't do anything about the past but you can have a different future if you chose to do something about it. Just doing nothing is only going to make you feel more vulnerable because you've got lots of time to think about how your parents business went wrong, they came out the other end with money and you didn't.

Work of any sort will give you a routine and purpose. It may improve your self esteem. It will let you meet new people. You can gain experience that can lead to a better paid job. And it will allow you to support your family yourself. If the only skills you have to offer are those that attract a lower wage then either accept that or do something positive to gain skills that can attract a higher wage. But to go on about how you won't take a lower wage but would rather take handouts is quite insulting to many hard working people who take pride is doing a good job whatever that job ay be.

Swallow that pride. Get a job. How can you possibly make sure your children are self sufficient if you are relying on handouts from other people and have carried on a 7 year feud against your sister because she did not give you £20k for school fees?

You've obviously led a life of 'all expenses paid by Mummy and Daddy' and seem to think you are entitled to continue a life of privilege at others expense.

Well its about time you came into the real world, were you work and pay your own way, maybe in a basic job (that you think is beneath you)

Ha ha, do you perhaps want your children to be self sufficient because:

1. You have no means of supporting them

and/or

1. You're looking for the next pot of cash for when the current one runs out or dies with it's owner?

Sounds like the expectations you, your brother and parents have are different to that of your sister. You chose to work for your parents for free, your brother chose another path as did your sister.

I'd be interested to see her side of things because from this it looks like she's been scapegoated and close to bullied for not falling in line. Really you should consider the fact that you are all wrong, but if you haven't in seven years it's likely you've all been feeding each other with how 'out of order' your sister is.

It also sounds like what your parents want, they get. After all they also wanted your sister to lend the money and expected her too, they've helped fuel the rift. They got what they wanted their, your sister desperately trying to heal the rift now when they, yet again, decide something that must be followed through. As for the fact your parents want your ex there so she's offered...yet again, what your parents want. And this time she's likely to encourage and go along with it so as not to be scapegoated. Perhaps if you refuse to have the ex they want there there, you'll be in line for some of the same treatment OP?

The more I read the more it's obvious you really do need. Some psychological help OP. You seem to have such a huge sense of having no sense of self and an understanding of who you are as an individual, you've let this situation happen and your thought patterns about everything being everyone else's or someone else's redpinsibility just perpetuates things. Seriously get help.

And if you want to set a good example to your children and encourage them to work, then find something yourself- be it low pay or even volunteering. Don't expect them to be anything different from yourself, because that's the example you've shown then and wanting something for nothing - from your sister, for example- only adds weight to that.

I am baffled as to how you pay council tax with no job? So what if you could only get low paid jobs and as another poster pointed out you will have a whole heap of transferable skills. I don't understand how a grown woman can see nothing wrong with any of this and be so absolutely certain that your sister was in the wrong by not giving you her own hard earned cash for a luxury.

I've not read the whole thread but I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that your entire family fell out with your sister because she refused to pay for YOUR children's school fees? Seriously?

If you can't afford to pay school fees for YOUR children, then they shouldn't be attending a fee-paying school. This is hardly life or death. Your sister sounds like she's done well for herself or married someone with money perhaps, or even maybe won some money on the lottery. How she has money is irrelevant really. The fact of the matter is, it's HER money and up to her how she chooses to spend it. She most certainly should not be held to ransom for choosing to not subsidise a lifestyle you feel you/your kids are entitled to based on her personal wealth.

She clearly wants to spend time with/spoil her nieces/nephews and pay for them to enjoy a holiday they may not otherwise have had but I certainly don't think you deserve to go on it!