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Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 02/10/2014 20:41

Purely in response to a point the OP made-

Yes, it's really depressing isn't it? Porn has certainly come a long way since the handle-bar moustache/lip synching 70's style. Utterly unrealistic and it wouldn't surprise me if the majority of modern porn watchers (who missed the 70's) think that shoving their cock roughly up an anus without any preparation, lube and worse, consent, is part of an everyday sex life Sad

Cricrichan · 02/10/2014 20:44

Then again shakey. We're not shackled by Victorian views of nice girls shouldn't enjoy sex etc and there is enough information around for guys to know how where the clitoris is. So not all bad.

Darkesteyes · 02/10/2014 21:29

Im sorry this has happened to you OP

This so called assumed consent is a new one on me. Something ex OM liked to do was play with my clitoris while i was lying on my front. Sorry for TMI but he would do this while kissing and squeezing my buttocks. At no point in the whole 4 and a half years we were seeing each other did he "slip in in accidentally" And that goes for his penis fingers or tongue. And the subject of anal never came up. He was 17 years older than me.

And yet people criticise me for going for "old men"

Pandora37 · 03/10/2014 00:55

I haven't read the whole thread OP but I think that's utterly horrid. God, if that had happened to me I would have been out of there so fast his head would have spun. I take my bodily autonomy and issues of consent very seriously and if the other person can't respect that then they can fuck off to the far side of fuck.

He does sound very young and inexperienced, and maybe, and this is a very big maybe, he got carried away in the heat of the moment but that isn't an excuse. Anyone with half a brain, even an immature 20 year old, knows you don't just ram your dick up someone's arsehole and that it's going to really bloody hurt the other person. Yeah, I guess asking for consent before a sex act isn't very sexy but anal sex is absolutely something you need CLEAR consent for before attempting, especially without lube! Jesus Christ, is he mad?! I actually find the thought of that quite disturbing. Did he not see or care that you were in pain?

I think you're being very kind to consider giving him the benefit of the doubt. I personally wouldn't. I'm not saying he's a potential rapist but that is treading very dodgy ground and he needs to learn that that is not acceptable behaviour. It will be a good life lesson for him.

To me, what he did shows a lack of respect for you. He was essentially treating you like a piece of meat. I don't know, maybe I'm being overly harsh because of a similar bad experience but honestly in your shoes I would explain to him how upset I was by what happened and then I would run like the wind.

Darkesteyes · 03/10/2014 01:18

I totally agree Pandora.

Dirtybadger · 03/10/2014 01:36

This is absolutely bizarre. The law makes what does and doesn't constitute rape relatively clear.

It is rape to have sex with someone without their consent.
Consent may be explicit of course but for most would be action/verbalisations/behaviours which are "reasonably believed" (and its an objective test meaning a reasonable person would construe them as such) to be consent. So if I say "have sex with me", I have sex with someone (and appear to love every minute)- I cant then say "well I didn't consent. I didn't want to really". Any reasonable person would have had reasonable cause to believe I'd consented.

It is completely unreasonable (and it seems lots of average people here agree) to believe that because you are having one type of sex with a woman (who has consented), that there is consent for a new potentially painful act which has never been discussed or carried out within the partnership. This "assumed" consent is exactly what is not (thank God) in place in English law.

Nobody has to provide a list of things they do and dont like before sex. You can ask as you go along. Isn't that normal? I dont say "can we have sex?" because that's a relatively easy one to read but I ask "can I do this/would you like me to do that/would you do this to me?".

I'm not saying this guy raped anyone. Clearly he didn't. But any defence that he had no reason to believe he ought to ask...is on very fucking shaky ground.

Stand by my first comment, though. He is not sexy.

MysteryMan1 · 03/10/2014 06:58

All very good points and very right. He is a 20 year old guy and as I said before seems inexperienced I.e. almost virgin inexperienced.

He has no doubt try to do what he has seen in porn. He will surely realise that real life isn't like it is on his computer screen. :)

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 07:16

he is 20! i wouldn't excuse this behaviour in my own son if he was 16. he's being raised to have respect for human beings and to understand boundaries and the importance of empathy and carefulness with regard to other peoples feelings, bodies etc. that will transfer over into sex and his treatment of his future partners.

you don't need to be sexually experienced to have respect and consideration of others - sex isn't some totally separate sphere in which all the usual social skills and respect for others and skills of empathy, communication and appreciation that you shouldn't hurt someone or do anything to them they haven't agreed they want goes out the window.

why pretend it's so complicated? an empathic respectful kind person doesn't suddenly become a dumb animal when they take their clothes off.

MysteryMan1 · 03/10/2014 07:23

HoneyBadger, I do agree however not all men have had as good a mum as your son. Sex for some can be less about emotions and more the physical which can make them dumb animals.

Porn has a lot to answer for - they tend not to ask consent before @just ramming their cocks in a woman's back passage" unfortunately.

It should't matter as the guy should treat the OP with respect and love, however I think it all comes down to how this guy really sees his relationship with her. If it is as a FB then he will be pushing his luck as far as he can...

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 07:50

you have a low opinion of males then. i've had quite a few sexual partners in my life some of whom were not committed relationship types of encounter - 'pushing things' hasn't been my experience (outside of encounters with rapists) - consensual enjoyable sex in which both people are enjoying themselves and getting as much out of the other people's enjoyment as their own has been my experience.

i also think most men (unless totally desensitised by porn and misogyny) can get plenty of pleasure out of vaginal sex, oral, kissing, manual stimulation etc - why would they need to be 'pushing it' unless they have issues?

TheHoneyBadger · 03/10/2014 07:54

mind you i think most wankers (not all note) give off clear wanker signs that mean i wouldn't want to be intimate with them and perhaps i give off pretty clear not the kind of woman to be pressured into things i don't want to do just because i'm trying to be 'cool' or like a porn star Confused

clearly i was more vulnerable when younger and of course drugging someone can bypass the whole issue of their personality and boundaries but seriously the vast majority of men seem to be sexually healthy enough to get pleasure from consensual enthusiastic sex. the others are sexual abusers and rapists or people with particular tastes who seek out others with the same tastes so that they can be explored consensually.

GinAndSonic · 03/10/2014 08:02

MysteryMan, you seem to just be shrugging and going "boys will be boys, men will rape"

LoisPuddingLane · 03/10/2014 08:14

If it is as a FB then he will be pushing his luck as far as he can

Rubbish. It's a relationship like any other - just with different components. Respect should be a part of it.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 09:53

If it is as a FB then he will be pushing his luck as far as he can

Will he though MysteryMan? Is it really acceptable to just assume that I shouldn't expect due consideration because I am not in a committed relationship with him? That seems to be a dangerously misogynistic viewpoint to me. It is also one that I think does a great disservice to my "fwb". He is normally a very intelligent, and empathic person; which made his actions even more surprising to me.

For the record...I don't think he is a potential rapist, or some borderline sex pest. I think he did have a moment where he made a hideously misjudged mistake, and I don't think he will ever do it again. This thread was started more to dis tangle my own feelings over the occurrence than anything else. Although it has now thrown up a host of other interesting debates.

Also, he has probably had a comparable number of sexual partners to myself, so I wouldn't say he is the inexperienced in that regard. However this is the first ongoing thing he has been involved in, and I have ALWAYS handled him with nothing other than sensitivity and regard for that fact. So rightly or wrongly I sort of assumed (especially given that we were close friends for quite a long time before anything happened) that he would act in a similar fashion.

OP posts:
MysteryMan1 · 03/10/2014 10:07

I agree with all of your comments however do think most 20 year old guys are immature and have an element of bravado, particularly in the bedroom.

Respect should be part of it but in my experience it is not always the case.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 10:36

Well it has also proved to not be the case in my experience unfortunately.

It is a terrible shame though, because I no longer want this guy in my bed...unfairly or not.

OP posts:
MysteryMan1 · 03/10/2014 10:51

At a slight tangent but I remember when at uni having a very graphic conversation with some guys as to what they liked to do in the bedroom. Let's just say that no-one in their right mind would think it would be remotely respectful.

I was 22ish at the time and those around me would be classed as "highly intelligent". Sad but true I'm afraid.

Seems like an experience gained for both parties.

arsenaltilidie · 03/10/2014 10:58

20 yo shagging a 34 yo and thought he would try his luck with anal.

It's easy for a 20 yo to play innocent whilst the 34 yo takes charge.

Unfortunately in most FWB, 90% of the men don't give a shit about her and the majority don't even respect her.
Yeah he may enjoy Sunday lay ins and what not but that's where it ends.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 11:07

This thread seems to be going the way of "boys will be boys" and "seriously OP, what did you expect? You aren't married, and he's younger than you; of COURSE he is going to try and stick his cock up your arse at some point"

This thread has really brought it home to me how many people are happy to excuse unacceptable male behaviour, and take the attitude that is is the woman's fault for (golly gosh) waning to indulge in sexual behaviour outside of a committed relationship. I mean, how dare I? I clearly just set myself up for this to happen with my whorish way

OP posts:
Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 11:08

wanting to indulge...

OP posts:
Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 11:08

Whorish ways. I am a bit too pissed off to type properly right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 03/10/2014 11:11

In fact I am hiding this thread now. I sincerely hope none of the people who have taken the "what do you expect?" view are ever in a position (pardon the pun) where somebody who claims to care about them suddenly attempts to ram his cock up their dry arsehole!

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/10/2014 11:21

This thread seems to be going the way of "boys will be boys" and "seriously OP, what did you expect? You aren't married, and he's younger than you; of COURSE he is going to try and stick his cock up your arse at some point"

And not least by men...
Yes, it is sad. :(

But don't think that you can't look for support here. Arses will always show up on these threads. Ignore them.

LoisPuddingLane · 03/10/2014 11:32

Or shove something up them.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 03/10/2014 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.