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Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:
Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 17:55

Well what are you saying then lurker? As far as I can see you are pretty much saying this situation is my fault, because I haven't previously given my partner a full run down of all the sexual acts I will and won't partake it!

How far do you extend that logic? If someone is raped by a partner is it therefore their fault? Unless they have given previous express instructions that they don't want to be raped?

OP posts:
MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 18:02

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pompodd · 02/10/2014 18:03

lurker - the way you talk you make it sound like men are just dumb animals. Slowly escalating sexual action hoping and "guessing" until at some point they are told "No, I don't want that" at which point they can say "Ah, hands up. Honest mistake.".

That's just not good enough (and you do men a disservice by implying it). I think men who genuinely can't see the line between vaginal sex (which they've done before with that partner) and unlubricated first time anal sex with a very tired and hungover partner, are dangerous.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 18:05

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lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 18:06

Pompodd I don't think I said he was entitled to try it, in fact I know I said no such thing.

I see what your getting at but if I try to explain further I'll just be repeating myself and we'll end up going round in circles and I'll have to put up with more offensive insults, I didn't really think it was like that on here. But I guess I was wrong.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 18:10

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pompodd · 02/10/2014 18:11

Lurker - no, you didn't say he was entitled to try it (and I didn't claim that you did). I said that you seem to suggest that because the way you describe the process of adults getting consent from each other for sexual activity is odd and illogical and others are finding it difficult to relate to and understand what you mean by it.

Because (although I don't think you mean this - am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt) your ideas are confused and lend themselves to an interpretation along the lines of: "unless the woman says she doesn't want something in advance you can hardly balme the bloke if he honestly makes a mistake by trying something on her".

I think it's that interpretation which is dangerous and which people are objecting to. It's at the heart of what you've been posting and you haven't done a very good job, so far, of explaining why it isn't what you mean.

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 18:24

Pompodd, your post makes more sense than mine. That is essentially what I was trying to say, where you have a couple who don't know each other that well and haven't previously discussed what is appropriate you have one of them making an assumption about what is acceptable and getting it wrong. Just because they haven't discussed something does not make it acceptable for one partner to make that assumption or excuse their behaviour.

Does that make sense?

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 18:24

Pompodd, your post makes more sense than mine. That is essentially what I was trying to say, where you have a couple who don't know each other that well and haven't previously discussed what is appropriate you have one of them making an assumption about what is acceptable and getting it wrong. Just because they haven't discussed something does not make it acceptable for one partner to make that assumption or excuse their behaviour.

Does that make sense?

MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 18:27

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MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 18:29

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Cricrichan · 02/10/2014 18:30

He tried it, you didn't like it, he won't do it again.

In a sexual relationship you start off with some stuff and then gradually progress. A lot of the time it's non verbal and you have to gauge your partner's like or dislike by their physical responses. You don't have a dialogue - do you like this etc?

I know that I enjoy sex a lot more because some partners pushed the boundaries and there's no way that I would have thought about it etc.

So no, I don't see the problem. He wanted to try something new and you didn't like it - fair enough. He's young too and learning.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 18:31

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lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 18:32

Myempire, that is a matter of opinion though, I've had previous partners try something and I've quickly told them that's not my cup of tea, I didn't consider it a dumping offence. You might but that's just your opinion it doesn't make mine any less valid.

GinAndSonic · 02/10/2014 18:48

Cricrichan, my partner manages to push boundaries and introduce new things without ever violating my consent.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 19:18

lurker has anyone ever shoved something up your unprepared arsehole forcibly without asking you? maybe if they did you might have more of a reaction than, 'not my cup of tea'.

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 19:32

Honey badger, yes They attempted to so please don't assume you know me, because you don't

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 19:32

Honey badger, yes They attempted to so please don't assume you know me, because you don't

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 19:38

they thrust their dick into your anus whilst you were half asleep lying on your front? and you just said, 'not my cup of tea'? just to be clear.

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 19:42

Honey badger, I don't need to explain myself or justify myself to you, I don't see why the details of my past are relevant or any of your business

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 19:42

Honey badger, I don't need to explain myself or justify myself to you, I don't see why the details of my past are relevant or any of your business

MysteryMan1 · 02/10/2014 19:50

Not knowing the guy or your relationship, the fact is he is young. Not sure what sort of sexual experience he has but by the sounds of it, very little. You say he is bi, but has he slept with a guy and actually performed anal sex before?

IMO sleeping with someone who is barely out of their teens will no doubt be an experience in more ways than one! He does not have the maturity to really appreciate what he is doing. OP, you say you were great friends before sleeping together but does he really see you in that way? If I was 20 and sleeping with a woman 14 years older, a part of me would think I hit the jackpot. I am sure stories of his MILF may well be doing the rounds and yes, anal would be another feather in his bow to his mates.

And of course porn has made anal very "normal", rightly or wrongly.

As for consent, he certainly didn't get any. However would it realistically be expected to talk about every thing you want to do? Usually when passion is high, you take things to the next level. However your partner should not be half asleep! I think he is just a bit dumb and immature rather than anything else.

All this does depend on your relationship and the guy in question but expecting your average 20 year old to have thought any of this through from an emotional and even physical viewpoint is unrealistic IMO. I rather doubt he is having such an in-depth conversation about this with his mates or on an online forum. And therein lies the problem.

Cricrichan · 02/10/2014 19:59

Ginandsonic - my partner too but he's nearly 30 years older so has a lot more experience!

I've only had sex in long term relationships so any 'experimenting' has been within the confines of a well established and loving relationship. I'm happy to go along with stuff but am definitely not the instigator. At the same time, if I don't like something, or don't want something at that time, I can and do just say stop. The op did and he stopped. So I don't see the problem.

Bowlersarm · 02/10/2014 20:12

I agree Cric

MysteryMan1 · 02/10/2014 20:12

Cricrichan, I agree. If he wanted to try anal, he should have warmed up the OP first with his tongue and fingers and only then if she encouraged it should he have even thought about taking it further. With plenty of lube of course. He just sounds inexperienced to me.

Some women do love anal for a variety of reasons so nothing wrong with "tabling the idea" but know when to back down!