Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Well sure, I think a normal person would get that you're not that interested in talking to them from that (!), but she does sound like she either has the hide of a rhino or else a vested interest in maintaining communication with you.....

Very pleased that you have a set date in mind for speaking to the police - esp on Friday when at least you can relax a bit the next day and take stock.

bluebelle, I think you're right that he needs to hear it from someone else - he doesn't seem to bother paying any more than lip service to the facts when sure says it! Hopefully hearing it from stern people in uniforms will send a strong message....

What is strange is that I will miss the nice times, it is a shame he was such a Jekyll and hyde.
I refuse to sign up for another round of loveliness and then another take-down.
I need a list of the REAL things he has done to counteract the 'maybe i'm overreacting' things.
He'll probably be gutted, but will that be because he knows its over, or will it be because someone other than me has held up a mirror in front of him and he will be forced to face the cold hard reality of how he treats others??
Sorry, just musing...

I really feel that is it for me with relationships.
We had a lot in common, we liked the same stuff, we felt the same way about a lot of things. We were both passionate people, he 'got' DS in a way even his dad doesn't.. he said he would look after me but what he really meant was that I would be his prisoner.

So sad.

I think you can feel that way when you have been under someone's spell for so long, it doesn't mean it will always feel like that. It is normal to have a grieve for the good stuff, and what might have been, it's how you begin to move on.

You might find once you do move on, though, that you view things differently. Don't buy into any 'one true love' crap. There are more men out there than your ds's father and 'him', that could be an even better fit for you, and actually bring things to your life rather than taking them away.

Thnk you Sootgremlin , as always, your posts are thoughtful, sensitive and gently bolstering. Xx

Sure, these 'men' are not all men. I promise you there are good, kind, gentle, intelligent men out there. Your boy is not going to be one of those 'men', is he? Most of them aren't. Most are just normal, nice people. A bit like you and me; just with a Y chromosome instead of an X. Never say never.

But meanwhile, concentrate on you and your son. Make yourself the best version of you that you can.

FWIW I think continuing to ignore him is the right thing to do, especially given the involvement with WA now. You've given him the message, the onus is not on you to make him understand it. I'm really pleased you've decided to report him too, from what you've said about his ex it sounds like you aren't the only one this has happened to :(

Bluebelle, I missed your message. Sorry you have also had experience with an abusive bully.
Hopefully if i can hold my nerve i will be able to speak to police on friday to make sure he is made properly aware. In this way it will be different from all the other times.

Sure - even abusive bullying bastards have good sides; they would be ostracised from society otherwise. Most of them are charming and sociable, and as much out for 'fun' and hobbies as anyone else. Even Hitler charmed people - thousands of them at a time! Doesn't mean that the abusive bullying side doesn;t exist, it is just hidden, except to their 'mark'.

Keep on ignoring. I am aghast at the idea that it is up to you to let 'him' know that you are keeping a log, that it is over, it's serious: he is a rapist, he knows the penalty if he rapes. He is a stalker, he knows the penalty for stalking and harassing. If he doesn't know how serious it is, then the Police should tell him. It's not for you to tell him you are building a case - if nothing else that could put you in danger of him escalating, to regain his control and stop you contacting police.

I second everything captainmummy has just said. Don't warn him about going to police, just go do it. Please just go do it. You may be preventing him from victimizing another woman in the future! You've come so far, but you do need backup here from people who can really take action on your behalf in a way you just cannot.

I'll be thinking of you on Friday.

What is strange is that I will miss the nice times, it is a shame he was such a Jekyll and hyde.

Maybe this will help you with that:

omg plump partridge ... i LOVE that card!! Can i steal it??

sure ... "I just know he won't stop unless he's forced to"
Can the cosmos tell you any clearer what you need to do? Absolutely NO direct or indirect contact.

Call the Knights in ... police! It's on darn bus shelters and billboards about harassment being a crime. I think they would count you in the category of being stalked, subjected to predatory behaviour and fear alongside harassment.

You WILL get your private life back, I promise. But for now you need to scream like an introvert has to scream in the street when she is being attacked, if she wants help to arrive.

You can do it, dear warrior woman! You really can! if you already see how you already did stuff others are advising then you can scream!

Hi, sure, good to hear you processing things further.

I think often people who extricate themselves from abusive and damaging relationships do go through a kind of mourning process, grieving the loss of what they wanted their relationship to be; not what it really was. The good bits do not make up for the bad bits, and the bad bits spoil whatever good their was (remember: coffee/poo ).
This keeping the other person on eggshells/'taking down' as you say is all part of the need to control - kind of the opposite of 'if you love them, set them free': it's a cage.

Love the card and will shamelessly plagiarise that, Plump - so true and therefore funny (in a sad way).

Yy to getting the knights in - let them be the messengers that you 'mean it' this time.
There is no shame in having taken several attempts to get to this point - it's a leap of faith to go it on your own. Many people in horrible relationship stay at least partially as there is a certain security in knowing where you stand, even when it's very, very bad , rather than going it on your own.

You are never going to have a relationship again? Who knows .
I agree, that's not a priority, concentrate on your DS and yourself.
The Rest Of Your Life is ahead of you.

Here you go, tipsy and Pacific

linky

I hope you don't think I'm making light of your situation sure, I truly don't intend to. What I'm trying to do is emphasise the fact that despite all the horrible added extras, you are currently going through a break-up. I thought that making fun of your ex-partner might help to reduce his sway over your thoughts, as he is clearly risible and not worth your time and mental processing.

Plumpartridge, I know.
I'm currently ill in bed listening to a thunderstorm.
Just got a text saying I'm speaking to a police officer tomorrow am after sti tests.
Then I get a text from him.
I'm not ever going to be over, or get over you. I love you. Ill always be yours. Always. No matter what the future brings... You know where I am. You're the only girl I've ever wanted.

I know its lies, but I really don't have anyone else in my life (apart from DS and he's stuck with me).

No one to take him to school when I'm poorly.
I've been puking before lying on the bathroom floor ill but i still had to take care of DS.
I feel i have always been on my own and i don't know any other way to be.

Seriously, it's better to have no-one than this headfucker.

Sorry to read you're ill, sure - that is really hard when you also have DS to look after and don't have the luxury to just wallow in how miserable you feel.
This is when 'good enough parenting' needs to be deployed - favourite movie on loop, junk food and minimal activity if that is all you can manage.

There is a great strength in knowing how to be on your own - being along is not the same as being lonely and MUCH preferable to a damaging relationship.

I am sorry that his texts are still coming and putting you under pressure - I hope speaking to the police will give you some idea on what you can do to help this stop.

Take good care of yourself - hope you feel better very soon.

Oh, sure. All I can say is that life can surprise you. 6 years ago, I hadn't met my dh and I was going out with a patronising depressive twat. I honestly thought that was as good as it was ever going to get and that it was better than being alone.

6 years on, I am married with two lovely children. If you'd predicted my life, I would have either scoffed or burst into tears as it would have sounded so madly unlikely.

Also, it's possible that you have limited rl support partly because he preferred you to devote all your time to him. Where would you have found the energy for anyone except him and ds?

This too shall pass. You are stronger than you know (they're clichés for a reason).

Also, don't believe the endless love bullshit. He'll get involved with someone else in due course, of that I have emphatically NO doubt.

My own 'I'll never stop loving you my darling' ex-bf is now married, for instance ironically, he was bombarding me with love letters and texts and flowers whilst simultaneously hooking up with his wife-to-be (obv he didn't know it then).

Ah, overblown statements of devotion.

Plump, thank you for the link btw - many statements worthwhile considering there

Yy re overblown statements of devotion.
Love, like 'sorry', is only a word unless backed up by action.

I sometimes wonder whether there is something wrong with me because I just don't 'get' all that fireworks and butterflies and riding off in to the sunset for a life of never-ending bliss nonsense.
Yes, I have been in love (more than once) and I have had my heart broken (more than once) and I love my DH much as I could sometimes cheerfully strangle him and have intermittent but serious communication issues with him, but what what I value about him is his dedication to me, our kids and our future as a family. Actions. Occasional flowers do not go amiss, but are entirely optional. Oh, and he is far more soppy than I am

You don't know what's around the corner.
You may never partner up with anybody.
You may have a number of partners.
You may have on lifelong spouse - who knows?

I agree that any of those options is healthier than what you had.

Oh sweetheart. My heart goes out to you. I was thinking about you and how especially hard this is for you because of your family situation. No wonder it's so hard for you to get away from 'him' when, as you say, you have no one else at all. I can really understand what kept you hooked in for so long, and why you've clung to the apparently good stuff.

I know how hard it is for me sometimes having no family support and no really close friends I can count on. I do have my DH, but he works long hours and is away a lot and I had a lot of times of being on my own with DS when he was a baby/toddler and being really ill myself, and it was really hard going and so scary to think there was absolutely nobody we could call on to help. So I empathise with how tough it is for for you - even tougher, I know, because you're really on your own.

I'm so sorry, I don't want to depress you more! Just want to say that I take my hat off to you for coping with all you've coped with and making a good life for yourself and your DS, and managing to do all this without support for so long.

Sometimes when I'm feeling really low about how much shit I've had to deal with in my life, and how we just don't have so many things that other people take for granted, I try and see just how strong I must be to have coped with it all and still be a decent, loving person, and I'm saying that to you too.

Btw, I didn't meet my DH till I was 40, that's how long it took me to be able to have a healthy relationship after my family had done their job of well and truly fucking me up. And it took us till I was 44 to be able to have our DS, and that's why we only have him, much as we would have liked a bigger family. There are a lot of us out here, I think, for whom life has been a series of trials and challenges, so you are not alone in that, but you deserve to feel proud of yourself for how far you have come despite everything.

I am so glad you've made the decision to speak to the police, hard though I know it is. I hope I wasn't overbearing before, it must be hard for you getting away from a controlling man and having other people tell you what you should be doing! But it was in response to you yourself saying that he won't stop until he's forced, and you need to hold onto that.

His latest text is actually sinister, and I am genuinely concerned for your physical safety as well as your emotional well being, so I'm really rooting for you tomorrow, and I hope the police take this as seriously as they should and put some measures in place to protect you. You know how high a risk WA assessed you as... That was for a reason. Well done again for taking this step.

I know it's hard now but you won't be this alone for ever. Like I said, I didn't meet my DH till I was 40, you will change and so will your life. You've started to let in support now over the course of your threads, support you deserve, and once you get free of him that will leave space in your life for healthy relationships, of whatever type.

Get well soon...

I've always been a loner. I don't think I've ever felt lonely as such, I relish being on my own, in fact it's when I remember being most contented

I suppose its just no one being there if I needed them.
As my mum said when I asked DS' dad to leave : "well you're on yer own now! You could die in your sleep, and DS (then a baby) will be crying for days and no one will come".
Cheers mum!

X-posted - thank you everyone.
This thread means so much to me
Got to drag myself out of my sick bed cause DS has a party after school and he's really looking forward to it. I'll take a scarf and try not to puke on anyone.

Ah parents, aren't they just lovely? (Yer mum, I mean).